D/s stereotypes

Femdom stereotypes are rife, and they get perpetuated by both sides of the slash. It’s really frustrating to see the same thing come up over and over.

Her: I’m supposed to be a cold hard bitch
Him: You’re supposed to be a cold hard bitch
Her: ~has a bad day, cries, needs cuddles~ Oh noes, I’m not a real dom!
Him: Wow, you’re weak. You’re not a real dom!

Rinse and repeat.

It’s the curse of inexperience and fantasy and it’s so very common. And often it will take several goes at failed relationships where this expectation over-rides humanity to realise that it’s really stupid and destructive.

The result of those failures for many women is a confidence blow that has them believing that they aren’t ‘a real dom’ and they leave any idea of D/s behind them because that’s not who they are.

But it’s not who ANY of us are. It’s the realm of pros and fantasies and porn and play and every media depiction of femdom ever.

I find it horribly depressing.

Being dominant means different things to different people. For me it’s ‘I run the relationship and he follows’. That means when I’m having a shitty day and want to cry, he gives me hugs and cuddles because that’s what I want. And also because he loves me and wants me to feel better. It’s not about me hiding who I am because I’m not ‘supposed’ to be a real human being.

Reverse the above. It’s just as true for submissives.

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  1. So very true. I’m only in my early stages of exploration and have met the same guy time and time again. The minute I show a shred of “real ” person it’s like I’ve waken them from a dream. It’s discouraging. However for every guy I meet with that attitude I believe I get closer to finding the right one who will be happy to bask in my humanity .

    1. No one can live in a fantasy forever. Reality intrudes itself sooner or later, despite our best efforts to batten the hatches and keep it at bay. But when it does break in, and we can tolerate it, or even embrace it…well then, that’s when the real magic can begin.

      Keep looking and hoping.


  2. Well first off this post of yours doesn’t come across very Dominant if you ask me. I mean sheesh lady!

    Okay all joking aside as a lesbian, and a submissive lesbian, I can totally relate to how bad stereotypes suck. I have dealt with one stereotype or another pretty much all my life.

    I will also admit to having had fallen into the stupid stereotypes of how a Dominant should act when I first found D/s too. I told a Dominant once I didn’t think she was Dominant by the “way she behaved”

    I have also fallen into the thinking I am not submissive because of the stupid stereotypes for submissive people.

    I think the key is the willingness to learn from those mistakes and understand the stupidity of stereotypes.


  3. Right on. The stereotypes depress me too. You said it all with “I run and he follows.” For me, it’s “she runs; I follow and support.” Everything else flows from that beautifully in all aspects. Why is that so hard for some people to grasp?

  4. For me that works as a filter to realise if he sees “me” or sees only what he expects me to be, so I act as naturally and human as possible from the begining. It’s the only way to meet a submissive man who wants to be treated as a human being too. I guess in a playing level the human part is secondary. For the rest of us it’s depressing, yes :(

  5. Stereotypes can be depressing, but only if you let yourself think they apply to you. Reality isnt fantasy (and vice versa), and while it all plays into the D/s dynamic, the sum is far greater than the parts.

    “Being dominant means different things to different people” – this really sums it up for me, especially as a male sub.

    My relationship with Mistress wouldnt be considered by some to be “true” D/s as we dont do the whole denial / humiliation / cold hard bitch / snivelling worm thing. For us its a much more subtle thing thats a little difficult to describe.

    But – we are immensely happy where we are in our lives and marriage, and the dynamic we have works for us – in part because the “human” part of it is always in play. Sure, sometimes it plays a greater or lesser role, but its always there. Once you start seeing your partner as just a “thing” to be used for your own needs (whether physical, psychological or emotional), is where it starts to fall apart, in my opinion.

  6. I’ve got a feeling that the clue might be in “‘I run the relationship and he follows”. In reverse, that’s the deal men have bought into for years. It has lots of advantages (hence the continuation or patriachy) but, as we find, lots of disadvantages too.

    When you set yourself up as running the whole relationship then the other participant has to rely on you totally and trust you completely, otherwise things are just too frightening for them. So signs of weakness on your behalf will make your partner very nervous- especially since they may well be the sort of person who wants to hand all power and responsibility to someone else.

    So we have loads of men who continue to hold on to the power in relationships but pay the price of having to be absolutely rigid and uptight and often miserable.

    I don’t think that anyone can successfully run a whole relationship- parts or even most of the relationship yes, and by agreement, but not all of it

  7. I just hope you were wearing leather when you typed this missy! Of course it’s bollocks but it’s the kind of thing as portrayed so therefore it must be true *eye roll*

    If you can’t grasp that there needs to be a human side then you aren’t really cut out for this, I’m a sadist for Gods sake doesn’t mean I need to flay puppies ( kittens yes but they’re EVIL I tells ya!) on a daily basis just that’s my kink, I’m actually quite soft hearted at times…..

    Stop that sniggering at the back


  8. Yes. Very much this. I am always quite clear about the fact that I’m only human, make mistakes, have feelings, cry, have horrid days, don’t know everything, etc. And anyone who thinks that isn’t appropriate knows where the door is. I’m too impatient to spend my time convincing someone that dominant doesn’t mean perfect/robotic/infallible if they can’t figure that out on their own.

  9. “Her: I’m supposed to be a cold hard bitch
    Him: You’re supposed to be a cold hard bitch”

    I think about a D/s relationship as being a romantic one, so I just couldn’t see myself being attracted to a “cold hard bitch”, and if she never needed hugs and cuddles from time to time, I doubt that she would need me in the first place.

    While it’s true that dominance can be expressed in many different ways, I would hope that she would always feel free to express her innermost thoughts and feelings to me without any fear of being weak because she had an emotionally turbulent time. After all, hugs and cuddles just happen to be a specialty of mine.

  10. Well said Ferns. The longer I pursue the D/s lifestyle the more I learn to abandon absolutes and inflexible roles. We are human beings and therefore more complex than any two dimensional stereotype can encompass. I love being there for Her Majesty when she is feeling down or is having a bad day. That is part of my job as her husband and life partner. Sometimes Dommes need cuddles too!

  11. But what if you are a cold hard bitch and you can’t help it? When I have a hard day and cry I need to hit things. Not be cuddled.

    1. Then you negotiate that with your submissive.

      The issue I’m talking about is not about ‘what you and your partner want’, it’s about ‘living up to stereotypes’.

      You do you. Find partners who love that. Done :).


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