My D/s relationships include punishment. Not ‘funishment’ which is playing at punishment for fun (“Naughty boy!” *giggle* Thwak! etc), but punishment… a penalty for getting something wrong.
–verb (used with object)
- to subject to pain, loss, confinement, death, etc., as a penalty for some offense, transgression, or fault: to punish a criminal.
- to inflict a penalty for (an offense, fault, etc.): to punish theft.
Ok… not death, obviously (did that need saying? Of course it did!), and I don’t use corporal punishment because that’s too close to play for me. I mostly make him do boring, tedious tasks that are intended to remind and… well… punish. The many anti-punishment folks who somehow leap to the either/or argument (discussion OR punishment) are being simplistic and sometimes deliberately obtuse. For me, it’s not either/or, it’s both.
So yes, yes, of course we talk about whatever went wrong, get to the bottom of it, come up with strategies to address it, we do all that… and then, when we have done all that, then he gets punished.
Punishments are not a deterrent, and I understand those tedious arguments that we are all adults and adults don’t punish other adults *yawn*… but I use them anyway.
There are three main reasons:
- They are a concrete consequence for transgressions
- They reinforce the dynamic (bring us back to our D/s ‘norm’)
- They act as a penance and allow closure
None of those reasons is ‘to make him obey’. If a boy is obeying because he is avoiding punishment, or ‘needs’ punishment to feel submissive enough to obey, his motivation is external and I don’t believe that’s sustainable. That approach creates a bunch of work for his dominant, and she ends up serving his needs, having to come up with what are essentially ‘tricks’ to keep him externally motivated. His desire to obey should ideally be ‘because it makes my dominant happy’ and punishment should be on those rare occasions that he fails.
I don’t like giving punishment for the simple fact that it means he failed at something, and I don’t like to see him fail, ever. I always want him to succeed in pleasing me, his doing well makes us both happy. I get despondent if he fails at a few things in a row… it means that something is not right… even if they are ‘accidental’ transgressions… to me a series of transgressions is a signal that there is a problem.
I also don’t give punishments that are fun for me, it’s not a game like that. It is very rare that I make punishments something that I enjoy, because then he will enjoy my enjoyment (little devil!)… so his sneaky fun at watching me get pleasure from him defeats the purpose.
If all is working as it should, he will feel so bad about failing at something that ‘punishment as a deterrent’ is completely unnecessary. I punish him for the reasons I mentioned above, with one of the biggest reasons, perhaps, being that it’s a penance… a way for him to stop beating himself up, to atone and close the door.
As to the sort of punishments I give… truly, they are dull and to be avoided. He left the toilet seat up, so I had him kneel there by the toilet and put the seat up and down 50 times, counting out loud so that I could hear in the other room. He forgot to address me correctly, so he had to write out several pages of repetitious lines stating what my expectation is.
See… not even a bit of fun in it… just… well… punishment.