Please hurt me

He was shocked and bewildered and lost. Our play had hit something at the core of him and he looked stricken, chest heaving, face screwed up, on the edge of tears. I cradled him, rocking him gently, kissing, crooning to him.

“It’s ok baby, it’s ok,” I stroked his face.

He looked up at me, a little boy, scared and bewildered.

“Please hurt me…” he asked in a small voice, “please…?”

I understood at once that he was asking me to bring him back from it, to ground him, to give him something solid to hang onto. I wanted to keep him here with me, this almost broken boy, and gently coax him out of it, but he needed something else.

“Yes, baby, yes… it’s ok…”

I spread him out, his anticipation palpable and a little desperate, his need trembling between us.

And then I started to hurt him.

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6 Comments

  1. “I understood at once that he was asking me to bring him back from it, to ground him, to give him something solid to hang onto.”

    I hope that one day I'll get to understand that…

  2. This made me burn inside in all the right ways. Haven't been there with my boy yet but I'm sure there will come a time. Not sure why or how, but your words here really reached deep inside me.

  3. Melissa: “This made me burn inside in all the right ways… Not sure why or how, but your words here really reached deep inside me.”

    Thank you for the lovely comment, Melissa. I am always hugely happy when old posts are appreciated, it means they haven't been shoved in a shoe box under the bed just yet. I am glad this resonated with you so strongly. All the best to you and your boy.

    Ferns

  4. Fantastic post Ferns, I've always been fascinated with the deeper, more primitive experiences when it comes to recovery and subspace. Thanks!

  5. Anonymous: “Fantastic post Ferns, I've always been fascinated with the deeper, more primitive experiences when it comes to recovery and subspace.”

    Thank you! This was fascinating to me also. I adore that there are always new things to experience, new places to go, like an endless process of discovery.

    Ferns

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