Terror-struck

It is impossibly seductive to feel seen and be wanted.

I don’t mean in a nice calm and measured way, over coffee, perhaps a pastry with a light sprinkle of icing sugar on top, civilised conversation, a polite nodding.

I mean in that scary-intense way that crashes over you in waves. That way that feels ridiculous and frightening and tempts you to drown in it.

It’s right on the border of ‘WTF?!’ Perhaps even a little over that line, creating some ripples of instability where the shimmer of heat makes everything hazy.

There is an inevitability to it, it’s a black hole that has it’s own gravitational pull, and I’m digging my heels in and still feeling my feet lose purchase on the solid ground as I slip into it anyway. It’s frightening, fascinating, frightening.

It’s illogical, difficult, impossible. I’m me: I won’t fall into it without a fight. And he fights. He’s brave, fearless, even when he’s afraid. He fights for me.

I’ve missed it so much. I hate it. I love it. I don’t trust it. I don’t trust him.

I’m a little terrified.

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15 Comments

  1. This sounds interesting. Likely doesn’t measure up to a North American I know, but I’m always rooting for you. And damn if everything you write doesn’t just pull a reader right on in.

    1. *smile* Interesting, yes. And thank you for rooting for me (did you know that in Australia, ‘rooting’ means ‘fucking’, which makes that sentiment very amusing).

      Ferns

      1. Rooting=fucking. So, I’m fucking for you? Oh, my girlfriend is going to be very upset when she hears that we’re having sex for you. (Who the hell is Ferns??? And what does she have to do with this??). Yes, interesting and amusing. Confusing, too. ~smile~

  2. “It is impossibly seductive to feel seen and be wanted.”

    Nonsense: you can choose not to steer the ship of your desire onto the rocks of basking cock-sirens. You can choose this now and always.

    [Infact, here’s a popular English TV theme song you to inspire confidence and independence : https://youtu.be/8u5NgC4lZ8s ]

    The guy might be your ideal life / love / cheese & cracker party partner, but he’ll be that even if you don’t run in with all your defences down, drooling, while trying to sell your ill-gotten records of the Collins Class submarine’s acoustic signatures for only £5 like a god-damn traitor.

    Just don’t pretend that relationships are inevitable – or that’s what they become.

    1. Me: This is how I’m feeling
      L.T. Asshole: Rubbish… let me explain to you what’s really going on here and what you should and shouldn’t do about it.

      I suspect that it wasn’t your intention to live up to your moniker here, but come on now.

      Ferns

      1. To be fair, I’m a shitty mate and it’s never my intention to be that way. And we aren’t even really friends so you’re getting the budget experience …

        Friend breaks their leg on a difficult MTB course: “That’s not how things need to be! Get back on your bike and try and again! Respect yourself and fly above the difficulty of reality!”

        But, like, honestly … it’s the word “inevitability” that hit my “gobby spastic” trigger.

        The attraction is unavoidable, but the outcome isn’t.

  3. Maybe you can give an example of what you do/he does so we can better understand and it’s much sexier to read oh damn it I didn’t mean to say that last bit out loud. Ugh it’s so distracting when you keep stuff to yourself you fabulous tormenting goddess

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