Reader Q&A: New Domme wonders: Experienced sub or no?


posted by on QnA

This was such a great question it gets its very own post (also I rambled on way too long…).

Dear Ferns,

Your kinda like my idol (:
Im a beginner and I was thinking about when I am ready to pursue a relationship with a submissive should I choose someone who is new too? I feel like my potential partner should be able to grow with me.

*smile* That’s such a lovely compliment, thank you! I will have to do my best to live up to idol-worthiness!

I do understand why you ask that question. I think there are valid reasons to go either way.

With experienced submissives, it can be a little intimidating if you are new. I mean if he’s ‘been there, done that’ you might worry about what you have to offer, or you might compare yourself to his last dominant, or have feelings of insecurity (all are perfectly understandable reactions).

With inexperienced submissives, there is always the risk that you will invest and then he will decide he didn’t want it after all (a lot of experienced dominants won’t touch newbies because they have been burnt by this too many times, but if you are new and it happens, I’ve no doubt your first thought would be ‘I’m crap at this, that’s why he left’).

But in the end, *especially* if you are looking for a romantic relationship, I’d suggest you forget about ‘new or not’ and concentrate on ‘like him a lot or not’.

Personally I don’t think experience is relevant (unless experienced-guy is an arsehole who tries to use his experience to bamboozle and manipulate you, though all things being equal that’s really not a lot worse than inexperienced-arsehole-guy who tries to use his inexperience to undermine your confidence by pretending he didn’t know what he was doing. In short: arseholes be arseholes!).

My first real D/s relationship was with a boy who was more experienced than me. He taught me a lot (both in technical skills and in the relationship) and I loved being able to learn things in a safe environment with someone I trusted. We DID grow together because as a couple, *we* were new and exploring each other and how this particular entity that was our relationship would work. Even though I was new, I had a pretty good idea what I wanted my relationship to look like and as an experienced submissive, he knew that it would work better if he let me take the reigns.

I think the *idea* of dominating someone with more experience can be intimidating, but if you really like each other and you both WANT this relationship, having someone who knows himself as a submissive and who has navigated a D/s relationship before can be a godsend. His experience is a tool that you can use, and if he’s a good fit for you, he will learn very quickly how to offer up his knowledge and experience in a way that works for you. And that can be completely wonderful. Think of it like any other skill he has that he puts at your disposal for you to use as you see fit.

TL;DR: If you find someone you really like, don’t use experience as a deal breaker.

Best of luck finding him!



Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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