Happy femdom story: Carolyn

I’ve been lucky enough to have the fabulous Carolyn as my compatriot and co-moderator in the ‘Submissive Men and Women Who Love Them’ Fetlife group for many years, and during that time, I have had glimpses into the loveliness that is her relationship with her submissive. Carolyn and her submissive (her life partner, her long term love) have been married for over 20 years now.

This is her happy femdom story :).
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Author: Carolyn

I was The Queen of Repression. I had a quite liberal upbringing and knew about S&M. But, for reasons I now know but which would bore y’all to tears, I repressed any conscious interest in either BDSM or D/s, until I was in my 40s, when a boyfriend confessed his interest in “dominant women”. I, being the Queen of Repression, didn’t get it. But 2 days later I woke up with an incredible desire to build a bondage system into my bed. I called a friend of mine and told her “I need to go to an adult store to find books on D/s. You need to come with me”.

We both drove an hour to meet in San Francisco, where I bought SM 101 and Different Loving. I went home and devoured them both. Different Loving mentioned a D/s group on CompuServe. Hmm, I thought. I have a CompuServe account. I’ll go find that group. And I did.

Meanwhile, I split with the dude who got me started when we realized he wanted the fantasy of “I want you to control everything” and I apparently wanted real authority.

The CompuServe group (affectionately called 12b) had a message board area. I had an image of what I wanted I a relationship. The image I had, and that I talked about to anyone who would listen was:

“I want a 1950s sitcom where ‘father knows best’, with lots of love and laughter but with the genders reversed and not a lot of “kinking up” day to day life”.

I had the picture in my mind, and just the partner piece of the puzzle was missing.

One guy who was funny and intelligent and seemed really nice, posted “that sounds perfect”. But he was taken at the time, and lived 3000 miles away.

He and I became online friends. We had a lot in common, not the least of which was football. We would often watch the same game while we were chatting in the kinky chat room 12b also had, talking in instant messenger about the game and about life. And we both participated in the message boards there so we got a very good understanding of each other’s approach to D/s.

One day, when we both were single, I said, “How’s it going?”

He said, “It’s going.”

And I said, “Could it be going west?” (I lived 3000 miles west of him).

He said, “It might.”

That was January 1997.

We had actually briefly met when he was in California for business and a few of us west coasters had hosted him for dinner. And we had our long football-based friendship. Once he said he might consider moving—we immediately decided to explore a relationship.

I am very good at planning and logistics. He was a financial planner which meant that January to April was his busy season. We already knew each other’s kinky goals and life values from talking a lot. We knew there was at least enough chemistry to build on from our brief meeting. Neither of us wanted a long distance relationship. So my plan was—keep talking and trying to find any relationship red flags but really we were in a holding pattern until May. Then he would come for a 2 week “trial run” to see how we worked together in person. Then he’d either move or we’d break up. Romantic, huh?

When he arrived it was like the final piece of a picture puzzle had clicked into place. Because he was coming into my life, rather than us starting a new life together, and he didn’t know the details of my home life. And we naturally fell into a routine of my just giving him moment by moment instructions. That felt very comfortable for both of us, and as I told him the routines, I would tell him if they were every day things, or just today things. So as the days passed he learned the everyday routines and I didn’t have to mention them again.

At the end of the 2 weeks, I told him I was game to give the relationship a try. I also told him that while we naturally fell into a very obedience oriented dynamic I would not make the decision as to whether he should move. And then he made a magnificent leap of faith—he said, “I’ll move”. I sent him back to New Jersey with a list of things to do to pack up and move his life.

That was June 1997.

From day one we both wanted a low protocol (think 50s sitcom) TAT (Total Authority Transfer) relationship. And our initial “I had to tell him what the household routines were” situation became our very obedience-oriented dynamic which hasn’t really changed in 21 years. Although because life has a lot of routines I no longer need to “think out loud” to give him running instructions. But we still operate on the basis that proactive service, initiated by him without asking me first, ain’t happening in my home.

However, I didn’t exercise all of my authority at once. For example, I once suggested he call his mother. He said he felt that was not something in which I should get involved. A few weeks later she called, alternately crying and yelling at him for never calling. He said, “I guess I should have just stuck with the original agreement—you’re in charge of it all.” And that was the last time there was a significant change in our relationship.

We’ve had our share of woes—all but one of them were external. There was a financial crisis, probably accelerated by us focusing on our new relationship and not work. Our 3 surviving parents (my mom, both of his parents) all lived back east (3000 miles from us) and they all died. We’re both only children there were a lot of trips back east. He got ill on a cruise and ended up near death in a hospital in St. Martin. And we found we had a sexual incompatibility because I need S&M to get aroused, and he needs sex to access his inner masochist. We’re still working on that one.

But what I love is that crises, no matter how bad, rather than pulling is apart, push us together. Our dynamic (I’m captain, he’s first mate, I’m in charge, he obeys intelligently) is what we rely on to get us through tough times. When people ask “how do you maintain your D/s or M/s relationship when life interferes” I’m always confused. Our relationship is how we do life. And when life is tossing us a lot of crap, our relationship and our dynamic is what carries us through.

When things get rough I go into what my husband calls “invasion of Normandy mode”. It feels like what people describe as “flow”. Everything but us and our process disappears, and yet is crystal clear at the same time.

And what I love about him is his brain (his penis isn’t bad either). It (the brain) works so differently from mine. But he always gets to the bottom line. And then he makes me laugh.

And mostly I love the oodles of happy. And it just feels RIGHT. There is no doubt.

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This post is part of an ongoing project to share positive happy femdom relationship stories. If you’re in a joyful femdom relationship and have a story you’d like to share, I’d be delighted to have it. Please see my call out request for the details, and send it on to me.

If you like this story, you will love my ‘Happy Femdom Stories’ books :). Click the covers to get them on Amazon.

Happy Femdom Stories Vol 1
Happy Femdom Stories Vol 2

Happy Femdom Stories on Amazon: Volume 1 | Volume 2
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14 Comments

  1. I could sit and listen to C talk about her relationship all day. It gives me *all* the happy fuzzies and I feel lucky to get a glimpse inside.

  2. Gives me such hope that my dream of a similar relationship and lifestyle remains possible- thank You so much for continuing to share such stories Miss Ferns, both here and through Your books, I devour Your writings regularly to both inspire and keep mr focused on my fantasy of finding a real D/s dynamic in my own life.
    Yours humbly.

        1. I’ve just seen that you’re in Australia, which makes buying my print books very expensive, and any extra to-and-fro shipping for signing is going to be ridiculous.

          IF you get one, I’m happy to send you a personal signed book plate that you can put in your book if you would like :).

          Ferns

  3. The “trial run” seems like a good idea. Test to see if a F/m dynamic will work face to face. Perhaps this would be an important phase to include in the dating process.

    1. If you’re long distance, I can’t imagine doing it any other way. Nobody’s going to move without some reassurance that they didn’t just make up the whole thing in their head.

      I think Carolyn’s story is unique in that they only did ONE stint of spending a very short amount of time together, and he made the move on that basis. That’s a huge leap of faith.

      Ferns

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