Ain’t no sunshine

Sunshine is dating again. It’s not surprising: Good men don’t sit on the shelf for long.

A very nice (thoughtful, funny, kind etc) vanilla woman with children, she lives close by, he seems to like her quite a bit even if she’s maybe not going to be the (a?) great love of his life. Or maybe she is, who knows with these things.

I’m not sad about it, nor do I have any regrets. He’s a sweetheart and he deserves to be happy. If he can find that with a lovely vanilla woman, then more power to him. It’s an easier path that’s for sure.

He really does believe that there are no other dominant women like me, and I think he means that on an objective level in terms of ‘qualities you can put on a list’, and he also means ‘with whom I would feel this connection’. I don’t think that’s true, but dating is hard, and a crap shoot, and adding D/s compatibility into the mix increases the complexity of it. I don’t blame him one bit for heading back into the vanilla pool where he can get a date like that *snaps fingers*.

While there was a bit of question around chemistry for me, ‘slow burns’ are a thing and I’d have been happy to explore that further with him had circumstances been different. But the distance made getting together difficult, and living a life that revolves around children for the next 10+ years is not something I’m interested in. I have ‘no dependants’ on my dating profile because I know what does and doesn’t work for me. Sunshine charmed me into meeting despite my reservations. And I find so few genuine quality submissive men that I wanted to dip a toe in anyway (and, you know, have some fun. Ahh fun, I remember that… *wistful sigh*).

I did learn from the experience with sunshine that I can’t compromise on basics. I mean, I knew that, but normally that means I don’t try because it’s a waste of both of our time. I don’t consider the time spent with him a waste at all, so the question then becomes ‘is it worth the time and effort with someone incompatible if there is some joy to be gleaned from it even if you know exactly what the outcome will be’?

I have no good answer for that. I think if I was a different kind of person, the answer would be ‘hell yes!’ But I’m an introvert who hates meeting people, so the return on effort is dubious at best. I have no regrets at all about making an exception for sunshine: I was lucky to spend a bit of time with him, but my initial reservations were spot-on.

As it is now, we chat most days. I expect that will tail off as he invests more energy in someone new. Or I do. That’s how it goes, and that’s okay.

I haven’t reactivated any dating profiles. I guess I should. Or at least go prowling around.

Loves: 8
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10 Comments

  1. ‘is it worth the time and effort with someone incompatible if there is some joy to be gleaned from it even if you know exactly what the outcome will be’?

    Story of my life! However, I’ve experienced some pleasant surprises in this arena by stretching out of my comfort zone just a little, when I feel the pull. I think the crux of it is being able to enjoy that “icing” when you see it and balance it with the energy you are willing to invest. If you can enjoy and balance, then it’s well worth it, in my opinion ! :)

    1. I think ‘the energy you are willing to invest’ is a key thing for me.

      There is a huge social and emotional cost for me (serious introvert: I find people exhausting) so the balance is heavily weighted.

      Sunshine was very easy to be with which is hugely rare, and a special loveliness for me.

      So yeah, I think I’m leaning towards ‘if I happen to find someone who isn’t a fit, but who is *easy* to be with, then maybe’, while recognising how unlikely that is.

      Ferns

  2. Aww *squeeze* you are pretty unique, in a good way. he is right on that. I’m sorry it ended this way, but probably better than it drawing out and having to face the “but I know there’s a basic blocker we are going to have to face”. I’m glad you took the risk on this one, to give yourself some happy memories and hopefully an ego boost even knowing where this was going to end. Sometimes we need the good things, even if short lived, to remind us why we keep on trying.

    1. *smile* Thank you for the kind thoughts.

      To be clear, we knew already that there was no ‘happy ever after’: The show stoppers were not things that could be worked through so were both on the same page already.

      And you are right: It’s good to be reminded that there are quality submissive men out there.

      Ferns

  3. “Is it worth the time and effort […]?” I think that is a question a philosopher could build a career upon. People normally do not like failure, especially when it is a relationship that did not work, but the lessons you can learn from it are likely invaluable.

    1. I don’t think of it as failure.

      That’s what dating is: A bunch of ‘no’s until you hit that one ‘yes’. The ‘no’s aren’t failures, they just aren’t the right fit.

      But when you *know* it’s a no, it’s a different question to try and glean some joy from it anyway. I think for those for whom casual is awesome, it’s a no-brainer. It’s a bigger question mark when it’s really not your thing as a rule.

      Ferns

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