Heavy sighs & fine-ness

I have written more, lots, reams, but I just don’t feel like posting it because REASONS.

So, this:

Hello cougarling,

Thank you so much for all the travel you did to come and spend time with me, I really appreciate it.

I enjoyed so much about our time together: you’re lovely, and you’re so beautiful, and I feel like there is more to explore. I’d be delighted to see you again to kiss and pet and play some more if you would enjoy that also.

But given how we communicate, trying to build a long term relationship over this distance isn’t going to work for me.

I can’t imagine you’re surprised, and I hope you aren’t too disappointed. I’m happy to talk about it if you want to.

*warm hugs*

I know, I know: by email, what an arsehole! But we’ve only had one phone call EVER: our communication was either in-person or by text. So, yeah.

He said he would send a reply to it: he didn’t. But we’ve exchanged some friendly texts since I sent it, so it’s all amicable. There is no grand heartbreak here: I have no idea if he will be interested in getting together again. If he lived close by, I’d be happy to date and see if anything developed, or just to enjoy him for all the beautiful things he brings to the table, but the distance makes any get-together into a huge project, so it seems doubtful.

I’m fine, but underneath the ‘fine’-ness, I feel tired, disappointed, sad.

I will probably write more about this, but the truth is that I struggled to get below the surface with him in person: the distance just exacerbated that and made it untenable.

I keep thinking that if I can’t make connections with men who are clearly awesome, then it must be me. I’m pretty introspective and, I think, honest with myself, and I genuinely can’t see what it is about me that makes me continually fail to make the kind of connection I want.

This time it hits especially hard because I really like him and I really fucking tried. I tried even though in the back of my mind, I know I’ve never really HAD to try when there was something firing between us. It just… worked. So even in the trying, I was already aware that I was reaching for something that wasn’t going to develop naturally.

It almost feels like there’s some subconscious thing going on with me where I don’t WANT it to work, and I’m somehow scuppering myself in some way that I don’t understand. That’s not how it feels when I’m in the face of these men who I like: I WANT everything to fire up, for both of us. I really really do. So when it doesn’t I just feel… tired, disappointed, sad.

It will pass, of course.

But for now, I’m just doing a lot of heavy sighing and feeling sorry for myself.

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21 Comments

  1. There is always a bitter disappointment when we put so much time and effort into something we truly want and it fails to materialize. It was obvious this young man was someone who possessed many of the qualities you felt were important. was it the distance, the different communication modes, or that intangible we cannot put into words, but just feel in our soul? So hard to say. Bonnie and I send you our best.

    respectfully, stan

  2. I am so very sorry, Ferns. I think you know deep down that these things just happen. We do our best to choose, to screen. But we just can’t read other people’s hearts and minds.

    My thoughts are with you.

  3. I wrote a while back a post about needing to feel centered in and uncentered world. I finally decided to take a break from “looking”. I felt much as you do now and knew the common denominator was me. I asked myself why did I keep attracting the kind of men I was attracting that were not able or equip to give me what I desired and needed.

    I set out to work on me…explore those things and questions with me. I’m making progress and feeling good about the journey. And I’ve learned some things about my own wants and desires that I didn’t realize I was ignoring.

    I see a lot of parallels in our journey. If interested…email me and I’ll share more. Maybe the answers I’m getting will help you also.

    Much love lady.

    ~ Vista

  4. What year was it that we were all told that maybe secretly we really want to fail? Maybe it was an Oprah thing, but it’s an interesting way to cause just a little more grief than we might have had otherwise.
    You’re doing the right thing ferns. Heavy sighing is good and feeling sorry for yourself is even better so long as you remember the Belgian chocolates, French champagne and extreme gay male bondage pornography that should accompany it.
    Hoping that the tiny pixies visit while you’re sleeping to heal your heart and ease your mind.

  5. A long-distance relationship is tough to make work even with great communication on both sides. And at least from your posts, it sounds like you really did try to make this work. So it may not be any subconscious desire to thwart yourself here. It may just have been an imperfect match, simple as that. Don’t be so hard on yourself. :)

    1. Besides Ferns and myself, this Cougs individual is my favorite poster. Thank you, Cougs, for consistently making perversion funny.
      SSS

      1. If it’s not funny I can make it so, I have a fine sense of the ridiculous. Thank you very much :)
        Coug

        P.S.
        My arse is perfect too ask Ferns

  6. Sorry to hear about your disappointment :-(

    “I know I’ve never really HAD to try when there was something firing between us.”

    In other relationships, has the need to “try” come along later or not at all?

  7. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out. However, I do commend you on being able to recognize that it’s not going to work and step up to the plate and halt the relationship. Even though it really sucks, it’s best to nip things in the bud early when you have that little voice saying things aren’t going to work. I couldn’t have a relationship where the communication was so little and not corrected when brought to the others attention.

  8. We’re humans : hardwired to find patterns, even when they aren’t there.

    We find faces in clouds, dragons in woodgrain, demon heads in random paintswirls, sexual images in Rorshatz Inkblots, the works.

    “Try. Fail. Try harder. Fail worse. Try again. Fail better. Win”

    It’s Chance, Lady. Reroll your dice. XXX

  9. Thanks so much for your words of support, folks.

    I’m not sure I have the energy to reply to your comments individually, but please know that I really do appreciate hearing from you.

    In the scheme of things, it’s just ‘what dating is’. But I find it hard when they’re awesome and it still doesn’t fire up. Giving up that potential is difficult.

    And the truth is that that’s just life, really: we all know amazing people with whom we wouldn’t/couldn’t have a relationship because the connection isn’t right.

    And yes, Cougs, send me the ‘crazy cat lady’ model. With extra cats.

    Ferns

    1. Have an *internet hug of slight lameness +1″ and a digital rose —-<-@.

      Indulging a hobby might help: it's a source of people with a common interest.

      You never know. That's why it's called Luck.

      "Golly… Thunderbolt City" ??

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