Communication and distance

I’m good at remote communication. Probably better than in-person. I can write thoughtful, funny, intimate emails. I adore someone who does the same, who fires me up, who is able to bring something to our exchanges that makes me excited and fascinated, that feeds me. That thing where I can’t hit reply fast enough: I need that.

I’m also good at doing long distance. I seem to do it a lot. Not because it’s a thing I choose as such (though self-examination makes me wonder about this), but because the men I really like seem to have an annoying habit of not living anywhere near me. To me, distance is a logistical and financial problem, and it can be overcome if we want it enough.

But I’m not good at maintaining interest over distance when the communication isn’t excellent. And largely that’s a matter of style and taste and proclivity, and whatever anyone thinks, frequency and type of communication CAN’T be mandated. Making a chore and an obligation out of it will not work. Ever.

And to put it bluntly: The cougarling is not good at it.

In person, he is a beautifully built bundle of affectionately-sweet viking-beast. He shows his interest and affection with physical touch which I love. But remotely, he is simply… absent.

We had a lovely voice call last Friday night after my weeks away. We reconnected, we flirted, we talked about our time together. We agreed that there is something worth pursuing here. I told him that our communication wasn’t working and that I can’t make something out of this long distance if this is how it was going to be. That I would drift away. He understood, but also explained that essentially ‘this is how he is’. I understood.

I suggested I come and visit him as soon as possible since I have the flexibility. He wasn’t keen on that idea: small town, not pleasant, he would be working.

“What are you doing next weekend?” he asked me.
“It’s a long weekend, I’ll come up…”
“But it’s a 12 hour drive… that’s pretty much the entire weekend gone…”
“I’ll see what I can do.”

He did. He’s arriving sometime Friday. He will go home around midday Monday. So we will have three days and three nights.

I’m really pleased and excited, and I do love a man who sees a problem and takes action.

Even if this doesn’t work out in the longer term, the more I can get of him, the better. I feel like I have only just scratched the surface and I wasn’t anywhere near ready to let this go yet.

Loves: 25
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  1. Yes. Yes. Yes. I completely agree about communication and long distance. Good luck, no matter what you decide.

  2. I’m quite pleased to hear he’s coming to see you again!!! (Oh, take more pics!) Communication is tricky at the best of times… Who likes to text constantly throughout the day versus who likes to just send one or two things and then talk on the phone. Etc etc. It’s so easy to assume what communication styles do and don’t mean. The long distance just compounds things, but I’m glad you are able to say what you need. This sounds promising so far!!

    1. It IS tricky, I know you’ve had your issues with mismatches :/.

      Close up, I need very little, but long distance is a whole other ball game: There’s no way I can keep an LDR going without really great communication.


  3. The endgame of WIITWD is to have actual in-person relationships. On-line/text/chatroom/instant message/whatever is a means to an end. Can’t say why most men don’t electronically communicate in the way you find most interesting, but if that’s going to be your gold standard for “the man I’ll allow to submit to me for real” you are going to be disappointed a lot. This cougerling is willing to make an all-day drive to be with you (as would any man worth serving you, alas, I don’t live in your country), and he’s someone you say fills the bill when he’s physically in your clutches. So, go for it, stop whimpering, and tame that man! you like being with

    1. “The endgame of WIITWD is to have actual in-person relationships.”

      I agree. And for me, that means a long term, romantic, monogamous, co-located relationship like every vanilla couple walking around in the world.

      I can’t get there with 2 or 3 days a month together and an empty void in between, no matter how great the time together is or how awesome he is.

      A relationship is built on all those moments of physical, emotional, intellectual, sexual togetherness strung together like fairy lights. I can’t put one light on that string every month and make something solid out of it.

      Maybe you can, and if you can, then more power to you: I envy you. But I need much more than that to grow the kind of intimacy and depth I need in a relationship.

      I’m not giving up, but I need to find a solution vs pretending it’s not a big issue, because it is.


      1. “And for me, that means a long term, romantic, monogamous, co-located relationship like every vanilla couple walking around in the world.”

        Well, yeah, that’s what we all want. (Disclaimer: I had exactly that, so not just theorizing here). Yes, “moments of…strung together like fairy lights” (damn, you have poetry in your soul! You sure you don’t want to move to the US of A??) are important. But, my premise here is that if you’re doing it only/almost only by electronic communication, then you’re not really doing it. Maybe I’m just not seeing across the generation gap, but even before regular e-mail/text/etc., when long-distance communication meant letters in U.S. mail, it was a stop-gap, communication certainly but not meant to substitute for what-happens-when-we-got-back-together-in-person. Simply, you don’t know somebody long-distance, human beings are biologically designed to experience each other, learn about each other, establish romances/friendships/enmities, through propinquity. I’m not saying verbal/written communication skills aren’t valuable, but if you’re looking for them to be the major component of establishing a relationship I think you’re looking for a cure for which there is no disease.

        1. You’re frustrating me *laugh*!

          He’s 12 hours drive away. We think there is something worth pursuing (with the long term goal in mind). IN ORDER TO GET TO THERE, we need to build it, starting now. So we have sporadic multi-day visits and ‘whatever contact we have in between’ to get to the point where a BIG decision about co-location is something we are willing to commit to.

          This isn’t rocket science. We just want to get from A to B, and for that I need the fairy lights, all bright and sparkly. I’m not sure what he needs exactly, it’s early days. But I know what I need.

          So I don’t think we are really disagreeing, but I think we are misfiring in understanding. Or perhaps your point is ‘long distance doesn’t work, forget it’ in which case we DO disagree.


        2. I completely disagree with you here. Firstly let me state I am not saying ‘in person time’ is not vital because it is but it is also possible to know someone long distance and for it to be a major component of establishing a relationship and I speak from experience.

          He was in the USA and I was in the UK, we communicated online for over 5 months before our first in person meeting and then continued to have a LDR for over 18 months, seeing each other in person about 2/3 times a year.

          In the end he gave up his life in the USA and moved to the UK and we now married. I think sustaining a relationship like that can be tough, it took a lot of commitment but without the excellent and regular communication on both our parts we would have jack shit to be honest.

          As for not knowing someone long distance…. I hugely disagree with you there. If both parties are invested in it then you absolutely can. We got married 5 weeks after he arrived in the UK and he has been here 5 years now… most of what we knew about one another was, up to the point he moved here, gained through long distance communication.


      2. Ferns, forgive me if I’m wrong here, but I’m getting, from your blog and comment entries, that the local talent close to home are either

        a) no good for you
        b) too close to home
        c) too close to work

        So you’re getting stuck at distance, maybe?

        I could be totally off-piste, of course.

  4. Ferns – problem with “fairy lights, etc.” is we’re real but fairies aren’t. My premise is that, if you think you need a very specific type of golden-lights-heavy-breathing-electronic-communication to make an eventual real relationship happen then you’re going to be mostly disappointed: partially because 99% of men simply can’t do it, partially because you’re substituting electronic for real. Electronic is only partially real, because as mentioned previously humans don’t have “electronic senses” and can only operate completely by personal contact. I’m not denigrating long-distance communication (again, as mentioned before, at my age that meant posted letters, maybe phone calls if you were in the same state/country), but it is an adjunct to not a substitute for personal contact.

    Molly – Not my place to disagree with a Lady. If you found your permanent, in-person, relationship as a result of purely long-distance, electronic communication, good on you. That is not the experience of most people, most places, most times.

    1. Ravensron – My only reply to that would be that we are not alone and have a fair number of friends with similar stories. I think the ability for people to easily communicate electronically has changed the way in which many people meet partners and build relationships. I am aware it is not for everyone but to say it is not possible for it to work is a bold statement that does not stand up against many peoples experiences. However, as Ferns to rightly said the key to a making a long distance relationship work is excellent communication and commitment from both parties.


      1. Thanks to you both for your thoughts, I really appreciate it.

        I think there is truth in both, to be honest.

        I do agree that it IS difficult to build something long-lasting from a distance, and I do think successes are rare.

        By the same token it IS possible and Molly and DomSigns are proof positive of that.

        They aren’t the only ones by a long shot. But for every one that succeeds, I do believe there are many that fail.

        From my perspective, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to try and make something work if I really like someone and see potential. I’m not EVER going to consider geography to be a show stopper, but by the same token, I won’t pursue something that clearly isn’t workable.

        @ravensron: “…it is an adjunct to not a substitute for personal contact”

        Agreed. I’m not sure if you think you are making a new point with this, we ARE talking about an adjunct here. That’s clear from my post, no?

        Regardless of distance or not, I need certain things to fire for ‘potential’ to turn into ‘actual’: I know what they are and I know what they feel like. If someone can give me that, we have a chance. If they can’t, we don’t.

        Distance is a factor that adds ‘must be great at remote communications’ into the mix, but the basic formula (potential + things that make it work = success) is still the same. It’s not complicated.


  5. “I feel like I have only just scratched the surface…”

    Scratched the surface?! *laughs* From the previous post I would say you’ve gotten further then the surface. I miss you Gorgeous.


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