Reader QnA: How do I start? Advice for a new dominant

Do you have any advice or a sort of primer for girls who want to experiment with being a domme? Like how to find partners, how to open that dialogue, what kind of ‘moves’ to try, what equipment is needed, how to explore the realm of activity… it really appeals to me, but I don’t know where to start.

Hello there anonymous asker,

These are great and huge questions.

My first piece of advice is to clarify in your own mind what ‘being a domme’ means to you. There’s no ‘one true way’ to be a dominant. D/s relationships run the gamut from full-on exclusive romantic coupleish relationships with a 24/7 dynamic to casual playtime with willing partners where you engage in some BDSM activity and then move on. So have a serious think about what you actually want. You might not know enough yet to be sure and that’s okay, the process of figuring it out might take a while, but it starts with what YOU want.

My second piece of advice is to read read read. Read everything you can get your hands on. Take everything with a grain of salt and use all of the information to decide what resonates for you and what sounds like an unholy mess of awfulness. I have a book list here, but you can also join a free site like and read some of the discussions there. I moderate a 50k+ group there called ‘Submissive men and the women who love them‘ and we have some great discussions about how to find partners, safe play etc. I’m ‘Ferns‘ over there if you want to send me a friend request.

My third piece of advice if you are a social kind of person is to join local groups and venture out to some local munches to meet people and learn first hand what’s what. This isn’t at all necessary, but if you like to talk, mingle, learn, mix etc, you might find it fun and useful. Fetlife has local event listings for pretty much everywhere.

To your specific questions (wow, this is long!):

Like how to find partners”

I have found all of mine online (on, on and before that in BDSM chat rooms). Some people meet out in the BDSM community. Some people find vanilla folks and try to ‘convert’ them (this is a bit hit and miss).

“how to open that dialogue”

If you look online, you don’t need to. You already know that they are submissive, so what needs to be discussed is compatibility (obviously just because someone says they are ‘submissive’, it doesn’t mean they are right for you).

“what kind of ‘moves’ to try”

Heh. I like this question: “a double flip-twist with an overhand flick in a pike position”!

I assume you mean BDSM play things, and this comes back to my first suggestion above: I can’t tell you what you will like. My only suggestions are:

  • Do things that excite you, not things that you feel you ‘should’ do
  • Use a blindfold on your submissive when you start out (it’s a nice confidence booster to know that they can’t see you flailing about)
  • Only do things that are within your skillset and knowledge so you are sure that it’s safe. E.g. Teasing: yes. Single tail: no.

“what equipment is needed”

You don’t NEED any equipment. Do you know how much fun you can have with your body, hands and mouth on various parts of his body with different intensity and sensation? So. Much. Fun!

Once you decide what kinds of play you are interested in, some of them might require some equipment. E.g. if you like impact play, you can absolutely use your hands, but you will probably want to try toys like floggers and paddles.

“how to explore the realm of activity”

Slowly and carefully with someone you trust. If you want to get an idea of what is in the realm of possibilities, google ‘BDSM checklist’. There are plenty out there like this one.

And always: safety first. Your submissive will trust you to look after them, so never over-step your skill level, and never be afraid to say that you don’t know how to do something.

Phew. Ungodly long! I hope it helps.


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  1. You are a fount of goodness and wisdom in this space! Maybe it’s time to open the Ferns Academy! (Ever look at the Khan Academy on Youtube? Pretty amazing collection of crowdsourced knowledge!)

  2. You only really need a cattle prod TBH the rest will follow, or you could you know, just follow Ferns far more sensible advice but wheres the fun in that I ask you ?

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