I think of myself (and describe myself) as selfish (and lazy… yeah, I’m a real catch!), but the complication is that I can only be selfish (that is, be comfortable ‘being who I really am’) in an environment where I know that my boy feels wanted and loved in it. I need to know that he is thinking, “Yay, I love it when you are all selfish and I can run off and do these things for you!”, all skip-happy like.
I can be (and have been) selfish in vanilla relationships, and it’s terribly unfair, and my partners have loved me and will go to the nth degree to make me happy, BUT I feel a lot of guilt in this. And I am always waiting. Waiting. Because it *will* get to the nth+1 degree, and at that point it will blow up. This is when he says, “Hang on… this is SO UNFAIR!!” and starts to push back, demanding some sort of equity. He will start to ask and expect that I behave in a way that is a lot *less* selfish (which is totally reasonable in a vanilla relationship, because we have not agreed otherwise). And saying “…but but… don’t you understand, I’m *selfish* and just want what I want!” doesn’t go down so well (I don’t know why…). I have learnt that trying to conform to those expectations makes me feel resentful and unhappy, and how that ends up is entirely predictable.
Like all of these things, making it work is about compatibility.
In a long term relationship of any kind, each party has to be happy. If I am selfish, then it follows that my submissive has to relish and enjoy that selfishness, or there is no longevity there. If we are compatible, then my selfishness feeds a desire in him to be the one who fulfils those desires: he blossoms under the knowledge that he is the special boy who can make me happy by doing that. It could be argued then that I am still being all nice in ‘pleasing him’ with my selfishness. And that works just fine for me.
The complication is that I have to feel emotionally ‘safe’ to be selfish. I MUST know that he is jumping out of his skin with delight when I am selfish. When I know him well enough, I am more than happy to tell him to ‘shut the fuck up and just do it’ if he offers resistance to something unreasonable that I am demanding. But in the beginning stages, he needs to be showing me that it’s not only ‘okay’ for me to behave that way, but that he actively *enjoys* me being that way. I need to see and feel and trust that we are in it together, that those interactions are bringing us closer, that it works.
If I don’t see his enjoyment and feel him get all swoony-happy over it, I just feel like a pushy, unreasonable bitch, and boy, do I ever get the bad-feeling guilts about that.