There is a thing he does that works for me, and interestingly, it is most evident when I mention something that is *not* working. Then he gets a little frustration with himself for not being/saying/doing what I want, and he reaches for it, wanting to understand what happened. He turns it over in his head and worries at it. His desire to unravel it and get it right is like a solid thing between us, and he examines it as if it’s something in his way and then he tentatively chips away at it to get to the crux of it.
It is incredibly sweet, sometimes clumsy, and completely adorable.
His reaching to get it right is the tender heartbreaking piece and the sometimes ham fisted execution is in equal parts awkward and completely and utterly lovely. In my mind, I see him like a lumbering giant, taking halting tentative steps through a field of fine and delicate china, a frown of total concentration on his face. It has a hint of vulnerability in it that I enjoy very much. I am not sure that he knows he is doing it, or the impact it has on me.
He has a complicated relationship with some things that I like, and it’s partly semantics and partly just that we see some things quite differently. Disavowing him of previous assumptions is not simple because we learn how to be from all of our life experience, and we come (often painfully and with difficulty) to certain conclusions. One can’t just say ‘No, not that, this’ and expect it to make a difference. It can’t, it won’t.
It’s more a gentle nudging and guiding to see if there is a track that he can sit comfortably in that runs closer to me, versus trying to artificially force him down a path that essentially has him acting in a way that doesn’t sit well or that makes no sense to him.
The details are less important than the feeling I get from him probing around to find a way to understand me better and give me what I want.
When he does that with a sweet and genuine desire to please… well… that encapsulates where I see his amazing potential. Also, it just makes me melt.