On ‘becoming a Domme’ Part I

I was a pretty confident, smart, take-no-bullshit young woman, and I always attracted men who would fall over themselves to do what I wanted (even before I really figured out what I wanted). Given my later proclivities, I should have been happy with that, right?

But I found them insufferably dull because I would push at them, and they would roll over at the slightest hint of my disapproval, would become scared to even express an opinion in case it wasn’t one I liked, they were cowed. They weren’t doing what I wanted because they wanted me to be happy, they were doing it because they were afraid that I would leave them. And leave them I did.

The meaner I was, the more they liked me *even though that wasn’t what I wanted*. I would steamroll right over them, lose respect and then get bored. Go figure.

I didn’t like myself being that person, and I want to apologise to every man who crossed my path in those days, but I just couldn’t figure out what was wrong, nor could I figure out how to fix it. I chose men I liked and then walked all over them until there was nothing left.

I finally figured I needed a man who would stand up to me. The logic of the young me is perfectly sound, oh, young Ferns, you silly thing!! *laugh* Are you getting a picture of what that might have looked like, and a hint that maybe that didn’t work out so well? Yeah, it didn’t.

I sought out stronger and stronger willed men and finally had a truly horrible relationship (which I fondly refer to as “the relationship from hell”) with a man who never backed down. In that relationship, I discovered a capacity for rage that I had never seen in myself before and have never seen since. Had you asked me if I was capable of that kind of blind and violent rage before that relationship, I’d have laughed my head off and said “Oh hell no!” So *obviously* that didn’t work either.

I struggled with my relationships with men until I met my first ‘vanilla submissive‘ when I was about 26.

He was a strong, smart, fabulous, opinionated man who laid it all down at my feet *not* because he was afraid, but because he loved me and wanted to see me happy. I led and he blossomed under it, and he never collapsed like the men in my early relationships. Every decision to do what I wanted was a clear choice on his part, handing me the power over and over again, with love and incredible sweetness, and every time he did, we grew closer.

He was the first man I fell in love with, and the first I felt sexually free with. I used to have lists of ‘things I wanted to do in bed’, and he was wonderfully adventurous and compliant (duh!).

On the kink side, I was never one who discussed my sex life with girlfriends, so I thought I was ‘normal’ until my female flatmate was all ‘eeewww’ when she saw what we had in the bedroom (*nothing* scary… it was totally kink-lite!!).

With him, it was the first time I discovered what worked for me, and it was the first time I thought that maybe I wasn’t sitting in the middle of the bell curve.

… continued in Part II

If this seems familiar, it’s because it’s a slightly reworked answer to a question from an interview I did for Dishevelled Domina on her blog. The full interview is here: Tales of a Domme: Interview #30

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    1. That should be a horror story: “What the Flatmate Saw” *dum dum dum dummmmm*.

      It was scarves tied around the bedposts and a blindfold. She actually had to *ask* what they were doing there (her boyfriend, on the other hand, his little eyes lit up as soon as he saw them). WTF?! Seriously.

      I was in my mid twenties then, but I often forget even now how conservative some people are in bed. Ref recent thread on FL from some dude asking “If intercourse is off the table, what can we do in bed?” FFS!


  1. I love this post! Starting reading your blog a couple months ago after becoming friends with one of your IRL friends. :)

    I have used my blog to work through my young life and understand how I got here. I am a vanilla submissive. Never thought of myself as submissive until recently. Sex and love are not, and never were, connected for me. Only recently have I realized my casual conquests were actually a way I was working out who I am and what I want.

    This post makes me realize I need to write out the Snape story and what I have learned from it. Maybe later tonight. Maybe if I ever finish hand stitching the Chantilly lace for this wedding dress! Ahh! (inside joke, incase our mutual friend is reading this) :)

    Can’t wait to read your part II!

    1. Oh, how lovely! Welcome.

      “I have used my blog to work through my young life and understand how I got here.”

      *nod nod* Blogs are so great for that sort of thing! And I really like your stockings!

      I look forward to the Snape story!


      1. “And I really like your stockings!”
        Thanks! I sew.

        Got distracted by the question of romance. I will have to steep a bit longer on Snape. Not the super prolific blogger you are! :)

  2. Awwww Ferns, I so resonate with this! I thought of myself as the man-eater…not something I desired to be…but when I got bored…well..you know! I also tried the strong dominate man. Not a good choice for me either…a lot of fighting and power struggles and I thought I’d lost me in the mix. I was far older when I met my first strong, yet submissive man and heard the Angels singing!!!!

    Yes! I could have love and a life etc…. Thank god! Can’t wait for your part 2!

    ~ Vista

    1. “Awwww Ferns, I so resonate with this! I thought of myself as the man-eater…not something I desired to be…but when I got bored…well..you know!”

      *nod nod* Oh, I know!! I wonder how common it is.

      We kind of hear a bit about women being *rejected* for being ‘dominant’ because it’s not a desired ‘feminine’ trait, but I actually found that many men *loved* it and were drawn to it. It was just that the ones who loved it mostly weren’t the ones that worked for me and I couldn’t quite figure out why.


  3. “…lists of ‘things I wanted to do in bed’”

    I feel that I may have to field test those ‘to do’ lists.


    Yes that may be the key to my whole analysis.


    1. Oh, that list is long gone and forgotten.

      I do remember that having sex out on the patio in the hot sun with ice was one. The ice was for all over, but my aim was to see what happened when we fucked with ice in my vagina.

      Hint: It melts REALLY fast!

      So there you go. Have fun!


      1. Thank you for sharing that Ferns.

        I don’t know why I must always field test things to do in bed.

        I think it must just be because I am a scientist.


  4. This is familiar to me also… mostly because I lived it. Although the ‘stronger willed man’ I sought out was the one who introduced me to the terminology that lead finding myself. I called him Master because I was loving this concept, I just didn’t fit where I was suppose to. Why couldn’t I make this work? Power exchange, well that’s hot. I really rather he take to my suggestions in it though, what’s wrong with him? ha! It did not last long or end horribly, we are still friends. The sweetest thing he ever said to me, “You are the furthest thing from a submissive woman. I can’t deal with you anymore, go find a man who wants to.” Brilliant idea!

    1. ” the ‘stronger willed man’ I sought out was the one who introduced me to the terminology that lead finding myself.”

      Ahhh, useful. Unfortunately, the one that I chose was really just difficult for the hell of it, and kind of a jerk.

      “The sweetest thing he ever said to me, “You are the furthest thing from a submissive woman. I can’t deal with you anymore, go find a man who wants to.” Brilliant idea!”

      *laugh* Smart man! I’m glad you are still friends.


  5. Wow… I cannot begin to tell you how much I relate to this. The familiarity of this tale all but gave me déjà-vu…

    Dear Ferns, do you think this sort of experience may be at the root of most Femdom relationships?

    My husband submits to me, always, with great enthusiasm and eagerness because he loves to please me and make me happy. He has fetishes, but describes my joy and well being as his ultimate fetish: what really makes him tick.

    I never had sex with any man before him. I always broke it off before it could go that far. I was with men who treated me like a princes… heck! They treated me like a goddess! I had my own freakin’ pedestal and everything. But that was killing my nerves because it was one Hell of a reputation to live up to. On top of that, I was clearly a dark and evil goddess who demanded much sacrifice as the men I dated became needy and dependent on me. They were total pushovers to my every whim, they cabed at my most ridiculous demands out of fear that I might leave them alone out in the big wide world…

    I don’t understand how it came to pass that my relationships with men have been so strange… but I am most certainly overjoyed at having my husband be happy for my happiness!

      1. I have no idea how common it is, frankly but I think one reason that sharing stories is so very valuable is precisely because of shared experiences.

        That ‘oh god, me too!’ is gold if you happen to strike it when it’s immediately relevant, but even in hindsight I think there’s a kind of kinship in knowing that you really were never alone in your experiences.

        I’m so glad that you found your match in your husband: so lovely!


  6. God, this sounds familiar. I’d figured out that I was interested in dominance as a teen, well before I’d ever had a real relationship (thank you, internet), but it took me a long time to figure out why I was never interested in the boys who rolled over at the first sign of my disapproval. Isn’t that supposed to be the stuff of femdom fantasies, after all!? (Ha!)

    Anyway, I think the ‘vanilla submissive’ is a useful concept. It’s a pretty good description of a constellation of things I look for in a partner.

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