I have expectations of people I interact with, even if it’s just a friendly exchange. Those expectations vary depending on what my relationship is with them. This makes perfect sense, of course. My expectations of my boss, work colleagues, employees, of shop assistants, family members, casual acquaintances, friends etc are all slightly different.
My expectations of men, and particularly submissive men, tend towards something that could easily fall into a D/s dynamic, even if they are not potential partners. That is, if it is more than a casual encounter, if I think I will be interacting with them in more than a passing fashion, if I *like* them, I have expectations of their behaviour that I will communicate and insist upon, otherwise I will choose not to interact with them anymore.
This is not D/s role playing, I do it with vanilla men also, though the flavour of that is a little different.
Examples of things I mean are nothing to do with kink. I will routinely tell men things like:
– Don’t swear excessively around me
– Don’t tell me you will do something and then not do it
– Don’t use emoticons to the nth degree in online communications
– Don’t disappear without notice if we have established regular communication
– Don’t speak to me disrespectfully
This is not surprising, really. I imagine many women, particularly strong, confident women would be the same in stating their expectations, ‘dominant’ or not, and really, many of these things are simply polite behaviour. It’s hardly a revelation.
What *is* a revelation that I came to recently is that of course I only do it when the man I am speaking to is doing those things that irritate me. The polite, the considerate, the thoughtful will never see that side of me because it’s unnecessary.
It led to a very odd exchange where I introduced two submissive friends of mine, and there was some chit chat about how we met (online, via email, which is how I meet most BDSMers).
The first said to the other, with fondness, “Oh my, Ferns was the strictest woman I had ever emailed, she didn’t let me get away with anything, it was a little frightening…”
The other boy looked at me with a confused ‘WTF?!’ as if the first was completely insane.
The first had been a lazy typist, his emails riddled with errors, liberal use of emoticons, incomplete thoughts, tedious to read, but I could tell he was a decent man with a good heart, so I told him how to communicate with me, and insisted (and continued to insist) that he clean up his act if he wanted to continue to speak with me. He did. Bless.
The other was an articulate, thoughtful communicator who I had *never* had that kind of discussion with, so of course the idea of me being ‘strict’ was completely bizarre and foreign to him.
Chalk and cheese.
My revelation is that those who meet my expectations by default are the *least* likely to experience me behaving in an overtly dominant manner in vanilla situations. I am puzzling over that… I have never gotten the dreaded “You’re too nice to be a dominant”, but it does seem a little unfair that those who manage to fit me best are *least* likely to experience little snippets of ‘vanilla’ dominance from me.
*laugh* And no, that is NOT an excuse to behave like a brat (don’t think I don’t hear the wheels clicking and whirring!)!! Nine times out of ten, that will simply lead to me cutting communication… just sayin’…