“Only submissive to someone special…”
There are a large number of newbie submissive men who seem to think they are the odd one out if they don’t just submit to everyone.
Usually those observations have this hideously aggravating flavour of special snowflakedness. They display a stereotypical view that has obviously come from a lack of experience or exposure to real life D/sers, and that has much to do with online silliness and I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT (you KNOW I want to blame porn, but this isn’t even about the sexytimes part).
Their view is usually stated something like this:
‘Oh, I’m not like all those OTHER submissive men who are [weak/passive/shy/socially awkward/doormats] and who are submissive to everyone, I only want to submit to a special woman who I really like. I’m obviously a speshul snowflake.
I try to be kind, truly I do. I understand that there is a bunch of misinformation out there that cannot be avoided. I know that it takes time and experience to learn what BDSM is about, what D/s means, how it looks, and that in the majority of cases it doesn’t at all reflect the superficial layers that assault the senses anytime you see any easily accessible information that claims to be representative of D/s.
But mostly I just want to give them a good hard shake and say, “No. Seriously. You aren’t some special snowflake outlier. Stop perpetuating this horrible stereotype with your self proclaimed ‘othering’!!”
Here’s an analogy:
I’m a heterosexual woman. I am attracted to men, and I want to have relationships and sex with them.
NOBODY thinks this means that I want to indiscriminately have teh sex and relationship with every man I meet in every situation just because I’m a heterosexual woman! NOBODY THINKS THAT. And if anyone did, we’d rightly look at them as if they were socially deficient and didn’t understand a single thing about how human interactions work.
I only want to have a sexual relationship with an amazing attractive interesting man who I find fascinating, I want him to be submissive to me, I want him to be fucking funny and awesome and have a way with words and be thoughtful and sweet and to look at the world with gentle eyes that makes me soften. That’s the man I want to have a relationship and the mad sex with.
Most submissive men are EXACTLY THAT WAY in how they express their submission: It’s part of how they relate to a particular individual who they respect, trust, care for, even if their relationship isn’t ‘conventional’. I’ve never actually met a single submissive man for whom submission means that they will submit to random women, people they don’t know, the checkout operator at the supermarket, that stranger in the gas station, those people at work, that lady driving past, the neighbour next door, ANYONE. It’s patently stupid.
And out in their everyday lives, some PEOPLE (vanilla, submissive, dominant, switch etc) are shy and socially awkward and passive and anxious and followers and have great manners and are kind and considerate and do things for others and a whole bunch of things that are nothing to do with D/s-type submission. NOTHING. If someone wants to identify those personality traits as (additional) reasons to consider themselves submissive, that’s their right, but in and of themselves, those characteristics are not indicators of D/s-type submission.
THIS pervasive fallacy is why people (including me) tediously go on to newbies about going to munches and meeting people in real life. Not (necessarily) because it’s such awesome fun (though it might be), but because some newbies need to get rid of that shit in their heads, and actually meeting real people who are involved in D/s relationships is the quickest and easiest way to do that.
I can’t stop anyone from believing this kind of thing by shouting about it, but every now and then I have to SHOUT ABOUT IT.