Submission is not passive


posted by on advice, advice for male subs, musing

Submission is not passive.

I remember a submissive saying to me once “It’s easy for me, I just have to turn up and do what I’m told…”

Yeah, good luck with that.

Submission is NOT about being passive. If someone chooses ‘submissive’ as a role because they think it absolves them of the responsibility to be an active and enthusiastically functioning participant in a relationship, they are going to be sadly disappointed.

I see a not infrequent attitude where men essentially say “My vanilla relationships failed because I didn’t do shit and she wasn’t happy with that… I just want someone to tell me what to do…”

To me, that’s not submission. That’s being a dysfunctional person seeking a relationship that will ‘save’ them from decision making, from succeeding at life, from taking responsibility for themselves.

If you want to submit, for fuck’s sake, come to it from a position of strength. By that I mean have some self knowledge, have autonomy, have a functional, successful life (however you define that), have some personal power, and see D/s as a way of expressing your romantic and erotic desires. D/s can and should enhance your life and relationships, but it will not magically save you from a crappy life or free you from taking responsibility for it.

Dominant women are not seeking losers who can’t cope without guidance. They are seeking self-fulfilled men whose relationship happiness comes from submission. There is a difference.

So, if you are thinking that a dominant woman is going to ‘save’ you from being bad at life, at relationships, at decision making, forget it. She’s not. She is not a therapist, she is not a salvation from your sad life. She is a woman who seeks out her complement in life, not someone who is looking for a ‘project’ to fix.


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  1. Seriously Stupid Submissive Statements | mystic's Mindfuck Erotica
    [...] specifically discusses the difference between submissive and passive. You can read her entry here Submission is not Passive. And…

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