N made a comment on this post about how they know when a dominant is able to bring out the sub in them, and asked me some really great questions about how I know when a submissive is right for me:
Can you describe what “it” is for you? Is it the openness? The willingness to give you what you want?
I have had a post brewing about something very close to this for a while now, so I thought I would drag it out into the light.
I don’t feel dominant towards everyone, in fact I don’t feel dominant towards most people. I’m a strong, confident, straight-talking woman, so how I am walking around in the world probably looks a lot like dominance, but it’s not… I mean, it’s just me and I could just as easily be me and be submissive.
In a BDSM context, my dominance is tightly tied to my sexuality, to attraction and lust, and it doesn’t come to the surface, really, unless I am triggered. I am able to play with it on occasion without that fierce desire, but it’s flirting, it’s not the real thing.
I wish wish wish, fervently and with a passion, that I could tell someone how to ‘be’ in order to trigger my dominance. That would have made me (and quite a few lovely men I have known) happy, but it doesn’t work like that. That’s like trying to tell someone how to be attractive to me… they either are, or they aren’t. I can’t tell them how to get there, I can’t nudge them along the road, I can’t ‘train’ them to be attractive to me, and in fact, I can’t even accurately describe what *is* attractive to me besides the very normal things that *everyone* says is attractive. But but but… even then, someone may have all the qualities I say that I want, and it can still be flat.
It is exactly the same on the D/s side as the vanilla… I can’t truly describe what it is that I need in a submissive – I can list a bunch of qualities, but it’s largely meaningless. I also can’t tell someone how to trigger my dominance… either they do, or they don’t.
Essentially, it’s chemistry, that indefinable ‘it’, you know… *IT*… **IT**.
We have to click. We have to click on a vanilla level (he makes me laugh, we have fun, he is challenging and interesting, he is sexy, all that) and then we also have to click on a D/s level (he makes me growl, he makes me hunger, he makes me want to *take* from him, he makes my fingers itch).
That’s a big call… huge… enormous. I find it so rarely that I am beside myself with joy when I do find it. Sometimes I am tempted to ‘pretend’ it’s there when I know, really, that it’s not. I have known lovely men, good men, smart men, wonderful men, but ‘it’ hasn’t been there and I have regretted it terribly because I *wanted* to feel it. I really *really* wanted it to be there, but… if it’s not, it’s not.
So, to answer the question… frustratingly, I don’t know exactly what *it* is. It is indefinable, that *it*.
But hell, I absolutely know it when I see it…