I should… I should…
I should do all the things, all the time.
My brain punishes me with it. The things I should do.
One of the things is to write here, though I’m doing it now not to satisfy that ‘should’. I’m doing it because of all the other ‘shoulds’.
I have so many draft posts saved. 198 of them in fact. But mostly when I write here, it’s a moment in time, something on my mind. I don’t write in advance, I don’t schedule, I just sit down and bang away at the keyboard, and post it. For that to work, my mind has to have something in there that it considers worth putting down, spur of the moment style. And if I am fuzzy minded, it stalls, it doesn’t work, doesn’t feel right. I may start, and then run out of steam. I end up saving it as ‘yet another draft’ that waits there amongst the others. Number 199.
I feel like like the instability and uncertainty that the virus has visited upon all of us has given me endless excuses to wait, to ‘not right now’ at myself, to ‘maybe later’. About pretty much everything. There are articles about the psychological effects of the pandemic on pretty much everyone, so I know it’s not just me (or you) who is reacting in unexpected ways. And in my case it’s despite really and truly, being ‘fine’.
It’s not like I need another more compelling reason than ‘I don’t want to’ when I handle ‘shoulds’. I don’t need more reasons, that’s the truth. But I could, at least, force myself past ‘I don’t want to’ in the olden times, those glorious days of yore when it felt like I had some semblance of control over whatever tangents my brain chose to go down.
Note: While writing this, I glanced over at my twitter and you nearly lost me for I am easily distracted by short bursts of fast-scrolling random shiny things, out of which I have muted everything that is likely to make me unhappy or stressed (and that’s a LOT of things right now, let me tell you).
There are a lot of ‘shoulds’ floating around for me, but the ‘should’ that brings me here is ‘I should reactivate my dating profiles’. Yikes, right? I mean, I hate dating, and if I’m honest, not being able to do it responsibly over the last however-many-months has been no hardship at all.
“Well, I *would* date, but I can’t right now. Oh dear, what a terrible shame :).”
But we are in a good position here in Australia, everything is opening back up, cases are under control, and I’m seeing people I know just putting themselves out there, finding people worth dating within days, meeting people they like, making connections, having great sex, all that human stuff.
And the ‘should do that’ for me is getting louder and louder. Even though the ever-present ‘I don’t want to’ is loud also.
I should just reactivate some dating profiles and see what’s out there, dip a toe in all quiet-like, no fan-fare, no fireworks.
I think writing the intention down in public is step one.
Step two is… OH LOOK, A SQUIRREL!!!
The first step has been taken. We are waiting for the next one.
But but… THE SQUIRRELS!! :P
This post has sparked a few thoughts for me, re: What is the point? and end goals in relationships, etc. So thanks for that. I’ve been feeling very ‘meh’ about things – and about writing things – for a good little while now; perhaps the ideas your words have nudged awake in my brain will find their way onto page.
I’m happy to have sparked some thoughts, and I am SO on board with your ‘meh’ :/.
I look forward to seeing where those thoughts take you.
Oh my, that last line!!! Fun. Nie. :)
I just need a man who laughs at all my jokes: Is that too much to ask? :D
Still, it’s very important to do what you have to do.
It is. Though ‘have to’ is always arguable :).
At the risk of sounding like a self-help guru, I find that changing the language helps. For me, this is typically a three-step process:
1. I should exercise (but first I’ll check my emails to see if Ferns has posted)
2. I need to exercise (but I’d rather fantasise about laughing at all her jokes, or being used & abused as her muse)
3. I want to exercise (because I’ll feel good afterwards)
The procrastination:action ratio is about 4:1, but I do eventually act.
I had something very grave and important to write here, but there was a thing, and then this other thing and stuff.
Relatable content :).
I think that here you are among friends, all the subs and fellow dommes enjoying your blogs posts are forgiving and would happily read draft messages. So what if you mess up the name of the implement used, and say restrained male mumbler when you meant “restrained him with a humbler.” Or you meant to write “played word games to check her repartee,” and it came out as played nerd games to fleck her repartee. We would be understanding.
Kinky folks enjoy sting and pain of certain zones but they are nice.
Thanks Jessica :). I assume you’re talking about having someone review my draft posts, but I think you’ve misunderstood the problem.
I’m not concerned about wording or minor mistakes (I wish!).
The issue is that I run out of steam with the ideas, the thoughts, the cohesive story.
For example, for this post, I might have written ‘I should start dating again’, put down a couple of sentences, and then before I expand on it to talk about ‘shoulds’ or the complexities, I just… *wanders off*.
Unfortunately, nobody can help me with that.
OMG what type of squirrel?? Is it running up a tree? Is it tame or wild? Is it wearing a little tuxedo? Why can’t I purchase a squirrel tuxedo online? You’re supposed to be better than this internet! You were talking about… dating or something? So you love it and it’s all going great? Good to hear. But the squirrel gets invited to the wedding ok. That’s the key takeaway here.
You’re just making it up! There’s no squirrels in Australia!
Did I say squirrel? I meant kangaroo of course! :P