I should… I should…
I should do all the things, all the time.
My brain punishes me with it. The things I should do.
One of the things is to write here, though I’m doing it now not to satisfy that ‘should’. I’m doing it because of all the other ‘shoulds’.
I have so many draft posts saved. 198 of them in fact. But mostly when I write here, it’s a moment in time, something on my mind. I don’t write in advance, I don’t schedule, I just sit down and bang away at the keyboard, and post it. For that to work, my mind has to have something in there that it considers worth putting down, spur of the moment style. And if I am fuzzy minded, it stalls, it doesn’t work, doesn’t feel right. I may start, and then run out of steam. I end up saving it as ‘yet another draft’ that waits there amongst the others. Number 199.
I feel like like the instability and uncertainty that the virus has visited upon all of us has given me endless excuses to wait, to ‘not right now’ at myself, to ‘maybe later’. About pretty much everything. There are articles about the psychological effects of the pandemic on pretty much everyone, so I know it’s not just me (or you) who is reacting in unexpected ways. And in my case it’s despite really and truly, being ‘fine’.
It’s not like I need another more compelling reason than ‘I don’t want to’ when I handle ‘shoulds’. I don’t need more reasons, that’s the truth. But I could, at least, force myself past ‘I don’t want to’ in the olden times, those glorious days of yore when it felt like I had some semblance of control over whatever tangents my brain chose to go down.
Note: While writing this, I glanced over at my twitter and you nearly lost me for I am easily distracted by short bursts of fast-scrolling random shiny things, out of which I have muted everything that is likely to make me unhappy or stressed (and that’s a LOT of things right now, let me tell you).
There are a lot of ‘shoulds’ floating around for me, but the ‘should’ that brings me here is ‘I should reactivate my dating profiles’. Yikes, right? I mean, I hate dating, and if I’m honest, not being able to do it responsibly over the last however-many-months has been no hardship at all.
“Well, I *would* date, but I can’t right now. Oh dear, what a terrible shame :).”
But we are in a good position here in Australia, everything is opening back up, cases are under control, and I’m seeing people I know just putting themselves out there, finding people worth dating within days, meeting people they like, making connections, having great sex, all that human stuff.
And the ‘should do that’ for me is getting louder and louder. Even though the ever-present ‘I don’t want to’ is loud also.
I should just reactivate some dating profiles and see what’s out there, dip a toe in all quiet-like, no fan-fare, no fireworks.
I think writing the intention down in public is step one.
Step two is… OH LOOK, A SQUIRREL!!!