They are truth, those small snippets of heat and connection. Some sweet emails followed, his first immediately after our kissing date full of wonder and awe that matched mine.
But despite the flashes of intensity we shared, overall something wasn’t firing with us.
He is a smart, attractive man who was showing me lovely little glimpses of potential goodness both as a person and as a submissive. We got along well, had things in common, found each other attractive, he was beautifully compliant, but we didn’t really have that simmering chemistry: you know the synapse-firing connection where everything lights up in response to them. Where you are fascinated and curious and every conversation takes you somewhere that you didn’t even know you wanted to go, but when you get there you just want more and more.
I wasn’t getting that with him and I had to assume it was mutual since I was having a lot of trouble reading where he was at, and if someone’s interested in me, I know it, I feel it, I feed off it. His behaviour towards me was not that of a man who was particularly interested.
Still, I was reluctant to let it go without being sure that I wasn’t misreading the situation because I really liked him and we ‘should’ have been a good fit. Perhaps he was shy or reserved or simply a little nervous, so I wasn’t seeing enough of him. Perhaps something amazing could still develop if we took it forward. I don’t do well with ambiguity, so instead of limping along hoping for clarity, I asked him:
Are you interested in pursuing something here to see if we can take it anywhere or not? I genuinely can’t tell.
I’m not interested in lacklustre or lukewarm or excuses for why it’s all too hard, so if you are tempted to go down some ‘yes but…’ path, it’s a ‘no’ (and that’s okay, I’m a big girl and I don’t need sugar coating).
His reply was slow in coming which was enough to tell me all I needed to know, and when it did come, it was sweet and kindly couched in reasons that had nothing to do with me, but still a ‘no’.
I think he made the right decision and I appreciate his willingness to call it. I was both relieved and disappointed, which seems an odd mix, but it’s true enough.
Relieved because I think I wanted it to work more than I believed it would actually work, and that’s a shaky foundation upon which to try and build a relationship.
Disappointed because I rarely meet fabulous men who I genuinely like, and it’s even more rare for them to be local, so it’s hard to let go of that hopeful possibility.
So that’s that then. I’m a little sad of course, but I’m okay.
And I have to add that kissing dates might be the best idea I’ve ever had, and I’m so very delighted that I got to share that with him. Without it, our second date might have been a pleasant dinner somewhere where we might have had a perfectly nice time and we’d have had this same outcome without having had the pleasure of those hours spent half naked and smashing into each other. Totally worth it.