That’s that

I posted some impressions of our kissing date.

They are truth, those small snippets of heat and connection. Some sweet emails followed, his first immediately after our kissing date full of wonder and awe that matched mine.

But despite the flashes of intensity we shared, overall something wasn’t firing with us.

He is a smart, attractive man who was showing me lovely little glimpses of potential goodness both as a person and as a submissive. We got along well, had things in common, found each other attractive, he was beautifully compliant, but we didn’t really have that simmering chemistry: you know the synapse-firing connection where everything lights up in response to them. Where you are fascinated and curious and every conversation takes you somewhere that you didn’t even know you wanted to go, but when you get there you just want more and more.

I wasn’t getting that with him and I had to assume it was mutual since I was having a lot of trouble reading where he was at, and if someone’s interested in me, I know it, I feel it, I feed off it. His behaviour towards me was not that of a man who was particularly interested.

Still, I was reluctant to let it go without being sure that I wasn’t misreading the situation because I really liked him and we ‘should’ have been a good fit. Perhaps he was shy or reserved or simply a little nervous, so I wasn’t seeing enough of him. Perhaps something amazing could still develop if we took it forward. I don’t do well with ambiguity, so instead of limping along hoping for clarity, I asked him:

Are you interested in pursuing something here to see if we can take it anywhere or not? I genuinely can’t tell.

I’m not interested in lacklustre or lukewarm or excuses for why it’s all too hard, so if you are tempted to go down some ‘yes but…’ path, it’s a ‘no’ (and that’s okay, I’m a big girl and I don’t need sugar coating).

His reply was slow in coming which was enough to tell me all I needed to know, and when it did come, it was sweet and kindly couched in reasons that had nothing to do with me, but still a ‘no’.

I think he made the right decision and I appreciate his willingness to call it. I was both relieved and disappointed, which seems an odd mix, but it’s true enough.

Relieved because I think I wanted it to work more than I believed it would actually work, and that’s a shaky foundation upon which to try and build a relationship.

Disappointed because I rarely meet fabulous men who I genuinely like, and it’s even more rare for them to be local, so it’s hard to let go of that hopeful possibility.

So that’s that then. I’m a little sad of course, but I’m okay.

And I have to add that kissing dates might be the best idea I’ve ever had, and I’m so very delighted that I got to share that with him. Without it, our second date might have been a pleasant dinner somewhere where we might have had a perfectly nice time and we’d have had this same outcome without having had the pleasure of those hours spent half naked and smashing into each other. Totally worth it.

Loves: 8
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  1. I’m sure it’s disappointing, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out; but it’s good that you found out early.

    Now, I could go into an “analysis” of how/why this was not entirely unpredictable, but I doubt that’s what you want to hear right now (especially from a happily partnered, 50+ “submissive” man who does not know you.) Maybe another time, another venue.

    Short version: the problem is with the entire “dating” concept, after age 30.

    1. Yes, finding out early is always a good thing.

      *smile* And I appreciate your restraint because no, I really didn’t want to hear it.


  2. Hi beautiful,

    Im so sad too. For all the reasons you made for wanting this to work for you, and for all the reasons you deserved him to be that him++.

    He is there. Never doubt that. And he will find you if he is so terribly lucky

    Hugs kisses and whatever else i can do.


    1. Thank you.

      Kissing dates are the best!

      Most useful very early on before you find out you’re mismatched :P.

      Of course most people would probably just have some fabulous sex, but casual sex doesn’t work for me (wish it did!).


  3. Hi Ferns, a long time lurker here. I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t yet again work out. Reminds me of Bambi. Both times I was crossing my fingers for you and a bit crushed when it didn’t work out. The same happened to me recently so I am oh so familiar with the disappointment that comes with he seemed perfect, why didn’t we click as we should have, why then did he come my way if it wasn’t going to work. You can at least cherish the fact that he is a great guy and was honest enough to give you the closure you needed and earlier on before you had invested a great deal of time, effort and emotions. Also, there are the oh so sweet memories of the kissing date.

    Although he may seem to be taking his precious time (you could punish him for taking his time when he finally arrives ha!), your perfect gent is on his way and sparks will fly in every regard when he finally finds his way to you. You will not have to question whether it will work, his interest or compatibility, it will all be evident and perfectly fall into place. And we will all of course look forward to reading all about it and cheering you on.

    It has been 3 years and I still have not got around to sending you an email on how your blog played a part in helping me accept my dominance and define my style of dominance. One of these days you just will find it in your inbox. Until then, know that I am grateful!


    1. Thank you so much for your lovely comment. I’m so happy to hear that you’ve found my blog useful!

      And I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you recently also.

      If I dated a lot this would be par for the course, but I only ever go out with men who I genuinely think are potential partners/submissives, and those gems are very thin on the ground, so my dates are few and far between. Makes it feel a bit like I struck a mirage and I then have to go trudging back out into the desert :/.

      And you are right: when it works I will know it.

      In the meantime, I’ll be at the bar *smile*.


  4. Deliberately not pressing the like button, because this is not something i like… I was rooting for you! But if it isn’t there, best to clear that up and move on, instead of dragging along, trying to find something that isn’t there. Still not fun though, and i do hope you find that one special guy that checks all the marks and where the energy is flying around you guys in a way people can almost see/feel it. You deserve it, and that one special dude probably deserves it, although he is indeed taking his sweet time, which is not a good thing to do to a lady such as you! *totally did not mean that to rhyme, but hey, it did…*

  5. how would be able tell if it ok to kiss a female on a date or end of date how can we tell our date want kiss goodnight or just handshake or hug instead

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