I am a very inexperienced novice dom and I recently met this guy who is willing to submit to me. I liked him so we tested the water. Although the scene was tough for him, he didn’t cry, not a single tear. I tried my best to humiliate him since I was looking forward to seeing his crumpling face with tears and whimpering, but found out he doesn’t feel that humiliated easily.
The thing is, I get off on a grown man crying, not giving the pain itself and he is more of submissive, less of masochistic. Also, pain didn’t work either. It’s not that I’m obsessed with making him cry, just won’t be opposed to seeing his tears from time to time. And I don’t think I’m pushing the right buttons. I was wondering if you have a piece of advice to give? Sorry if my english is awkward.
By the way, I loved your book! XD
Your English is perfectly fine and I’m really delighted to hear that you liked my book: thank you for telling me so!
Congratulations on finding someone to explore with: that’s so great! *smile*
I have a lot of stuff to say here, but the two main things are that you need to know someone really well for this, and there are no generic buttons that you can press that are likely to make someone cry in a scene.
Crying is a pretty extreme and specific outcome of play and if you want to make someone cry you have to know them VERY well. The first part of this is knowing that he wants to go there. Does he? Why? Because if he doesn’t, he won’t. He will probably call red before he cries.
Crying is an intimate and vulnerable-making thing, which is, I imagine, a reason why it turns you on, but you can’t push someone who doesn’t want to go there into it. They have to WANT to come with you.
IF he wants to go there, then no matter what path you take to get there, you are going to have to push the right buttons to get there. So that means:
1. You have to know what the right buttons are and
2. You have to know how hard to push them.
So your question makes perfect sense, BUT I can’t tell you what a particular person’s buttons are. I doubt that he will be able to tell you either. I think there is a headspace that is conducive to someone crying and it involves intensity of emotion and a safe environment. That intensity of emotion can be triggered by any number of things, but how you get there is completely dependent on him, you, your interactions, your relationship, your level of intimacy etc so there is no way to say ‘here’s something helpful’.
Creating a safe space for it to happen in, though, involves time and trust. He needs to know that if he lets go, you are going to look after him. In most cases that’s going to be a very vulnerable state for him to be in.
A note specific to pain play, in my experience most malesubs will reach their physical limit well before they cry. Most will take it and take it and take it and then either their endorphins will keep them going until you flay the skin from their bones and onwards or they will get to a point where they simply can’t take any more and then they will call it (though in my experience once they get in far enough, they won’t call it, so I call it). Most will get there with not a tear being shed. There are many many reactions, but crying is not the first, second, third or even the tenth.
I DO think that some people have certain triggers that can tip them over into tears and I have accidentally tripped over them from time to time and it’s been amazing. None of those times have involved extreme play, I didn’t somehow push them into it by going at them really hard. Mostly it was that while we were playing, something I did clicked in their heads in a certain way, maybe unlocked something, and they felt safe enough to let it out and let me see them cry.
Best of luck to you both.
If anyone has experience with this and can help our novice dom out, please do leave a comment.