The way my brain works is really annoying to me sometimes.
It will spin on a thought and refuse to let it go, and I will spend way too much time and energy talking to myself about it, going round and round in circles.
When the sex-voiced Texan cut off communication, there was a niggling fear that ‘something’ had happened. But I let it go because I’m not one of those people who makes excuses for others: the most logical explanation is mostly the right one. I had come around to that. I had shut that niggling twitch down. Or at least, I thought I had.
Then this week I had a bunch of trouble with my email where message after message that I sent was not being delivered, and that fear raised its ugly head again.
I had this horrible feeling that my last two emails went into the void and that he thinks I just stopped communicating with him. In short: I had this fear that HE was on the other end of the feelings I had wrapped myself up in.
The thought that he might be on the receiving end of that kind of hurt and confusion makes my heart ache, even now. Even though I don’t really believe it. Not really.
Still, it sat stubbornly in my head and refused to budge DESPITE ALL EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY and despite the rational part of my head going ‘that’s bullshit!’.
And I couldn’t let it go.
So today, more than a month after our last contact, I sent him a snapchat (he introduced me to snapchat as a communication method, so I assume he uses it regularly):
“Cannot let go of this niggling worry: 1. Did you get my last 2 emails? & 2. Are you well? Just ‘yes’ and ‘yes’ is enough so I can let it go.”
I have no idea if he will reply. But I feel better for having sent it. It was the right thing to do.
Now please, brain, I’ve done my bit: Let it go.