Reader Q&A: Non-romantic D/s, erotica, damage

It’s December. I have just returned from 5 days up in the mountains with family. I have just invited family to stay with me for 3 or 4 days. Then I will spend Christmas day with family.

I love them dearly, but this time of year sucks my very limited social energy up like a huge black hole of suckiness.

Thank you to those who popped a question on my Asks page: you are my saviours from paralysed silence!

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Hullo! I just found your blog today, and holy shit am I loving this or what. (I spent half a day reading this blog!) Anyways….

I have this pseudo-brother whom I love so much, and a few years ago I tried to initiate him into D/s relationships by trying to make him my Dom (ehehe).

Long story short, it didn’t work out. We moved on.

Now he has a girlfriend, but lately he’s been showing interest in me being /his/ Domme. He likes it when I’m calling the shots for him, setting rules, being forceful to him… I’m versatile, so it kinda turns me on as well… But he already has a girlfriend!

How do I work this out? Can we have a D/s relationship without being in a relationship?

– Maria

Hello Maria,

I’m really glad you’re enjoying my blog (your ‘holy shit’ made me laugh). And welcome!

Lots of people involved in BDSM (and many who aren’t) are non-monogamous, so yes, you can absolutely have a D/s relationship without being in a (romantic) relationship.

I’m fiercely monogamous, so I have no experience with any form of poly/open arrangement, but I know enough to know that it can be tricky to navigate, and the first rule is: make sure all three of you are clear on how it’s going to work. So start there with all three of you at the table, defining what this whole thing will look like, where the boundaries are, what is and isn’t acceptable.

The complexity of this kind of arrangement is obviously higher than if it were just the two of you. While you may be his dominant, he is, in essence, already ‘owned’ by his girlfriend and unless you agree otherwise, I imagine she will expect to be his priority. That means that your control will be guided by what she finds acceptable. If you are inexperienced with non-monogamy and have never had a D/s relationship, I think this is going to be a huge challenge (I could be wrong, but it requires skill and experience to manage both well).

Personally, if I was going to enter into something like this, I’d minimise the risks by *only* having control while we are together and not once he leaves my presence. You can always expand on this later if it’s all going great, but in the initial stages, it would avoid any conflicts with his relationship with his girlfriend and give you a chance to see how it feels for short periods of time.

Best of luck!

Ferns

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Hello,

Can i read in spanish ??

thanks
e

Hola e,

I’m so confused by this question! Do you mean you want to read my blog in Spanish? Don’t most browsers have the ability to translate a web page? Use that!

Or are you asking about my book? If so, then no: it’s not available in Spanish. I am sadly mono-lingual (I don’t think my 1st grade Dutch counts). Lo siento por eso.

Ferns

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Miss, greetings!
How do you do? My name is Kevin, I am a doctor and am also into healthcare business. I am a submissive male and I desire to serve a genuinely dominant lady. I like female supremacy, actually I believe in it.
I am sincere in my request and humbly request you to consider me. I promise to serve you well. I am honest and willing to prove who I am. Humbly waiting for your reply.
Ron

Hello Kevin Ron,

Do try and keep track of what you’re calling yourself: that rookie mistake was just embarrassing.

Ferns

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“That knot might not hold.”
Her eyes remained fixed on her fingers as they fought against the rope. “This one isn’t holding your weight, just your arms.”
He laughed, and she laughed too, caught in the moment. Her smile lingered as her eyes traveled the hills and valleys of his arms; she knew that they were capable of carrying her weight – of holding her close.
She reached for another length of rope as she pushed her fingers into his mouth, forcing it open.
“If you’d like to help, you can help by holding this.” She wrapped the rope several times around his head, and between his teeth.
“Now be a good boy and sit still while I finish my knot.”
-A

Hello A,

I’m not normally a fan of unsolicited erotica landing in my inbox, and I’m not quite sure what inspired this, but it’s a lovely and sweet little vignette. I enjoyed it a lot. Thank you for it *smile*.

It reminds me of this image. Which I also like a lot. And which isn’t quite so sweet looking.

Ferns

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First of all, let me congratulate you on such a wonderful blog, so full of personality! It is such a pleasure to see a person who shows the world what makes her happy, in such a fearless and joyful way. It’s like discovering that fairy tales can happen…

I have one question. Do you think there are submissives who are somehow damaging themselves by being submissive — i.e., there is something ‘wrong’ about their submissiveness? Is it possible to be ‘too’ submissive, or to take subimssiveness ‘too’ seriously, so that it starts being a problem for the submissive’s own further growth and evolution in life?

The same question is also possible, mutatis mutandis, for dominants: are there dominants who are really harming themselves (or their submissives), as opposed to dominants who aren’t?

Thanks for any insights! In case you have already answered this question somewhere else in your blog, let me know which post it was.

Nep-Amsterdammer

Hello Nep-Amsterdammer,

Thank you so much for your lovely words about my blog: they are much appreciated.

You ask a fine question, well, two questions (for the record, I had to look up ‘mutatis mutandis’, and I do like it when I have to look things up *smile*).

I think that there is the potential in *most* things for people to damage themselves and I don’t think submission or dominance are exceptions to that. I’d hazard a guess that for those who are at risk of damaging themselves in some way (physically, emotionally, mentally), there is probably more potential for it when they are engaging in behaviours that *themselves* have some inherent risks.

I think for submissives particularly, if they don’t have healthy boundaries and a strong sense of themselves, submission can offer a myriad of ways to ‘be damaged’ (either to find ways to damage themselves or be the victim of those seeking to damage). They may accept (or even seek out) poor treatment, push themselves too far, absolve themselves of responsibility, subsume themselves into another, take physical risks. All those things that they might also encounter in the vanilla world can be more easily disguised under the umbrella of ‘submission’ and can be accepted and even encouraged because it’s not as easily recognisable when something tips over into ‘harmful’ in a D/s context. So unhealthy and damaging behaviours and situations may be more easily found and entered into compared with vanilla environments, where they might be called out more quickly as problems.

I think the same of dominants, but the risks are somewhat lesser. I think BDSM can hide a myriad of harmful behaviours, but in dominants, they are probably more likely to be things that harm others; narcissism, sociopathy, abusive behaviours etc.

My readers might have different views.

Ferns

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it: even if I’m slow, I WILL get back to you! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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