Vanilla dating and me

I texted the vanilla man I asked out last year. I know it’s been FOR-EVAAARR, but he was still on my mind. Enough time has passed for him to deal with the stuff that was going on in his life, so I figured he was worth another nudge.

I also optimistically rejoined a vanilla dating site. Cue the usual ‘wtf is WRONG with people’ type messages:

Hi how are you feeling now love feel free to talk to me anytime you want to okay love my name is [nobody cares] and I would like to talk to you please

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Loves: 10
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The value of the ‘fuck yeah!’

The contact with lovely man I had a cute chat with at the BDSM event didn’t go anywhere and a friend asked me ‘well why don’t you contact him again?’

Because there’s no ‘fuck yeah!’ there.

I was the one who made the approach to talk to him at the event, I was the one who asked for his contact details, we exchanged a couple of friendly emails after the fact. I sent the last one, to which he didn’t reply. There’s no ‘fuck yeah!’ there from him. So why would I go after him? Pro-tip: I wouldn’t.

I have … Continue Reading

Loves: 15
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Meeting a sub… or not

I mentioned in this post that I’d set up a time for drinks with a lovely young submissive who wrote me a stellar introductory email and with whom I’ve been emailing since.

The meeting was today in fact (wow, writing every day really does make this all a bit ‘real-time’ doesn’t it?).

He’d read a lot of my content, done his research, even found my personal ad and said he met all the criteria in it :). He’s young, almost half my age, but in our emails, I’d not asked too many age-related questions because I was trying not to … Continue Reading

Loves: 22
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Dating & socialising #dommelife

I have had a very uncharacteristic surge of social energy in the last month or so.

So much so that I invited kinky strangers to my house (what?!) prior to going to a BDSM party next month (double what?!!).

Both of those things are so much out of character that it seems somewhat bizarre, even to me.


One of the catalysts for this sudden outreach is that my best friend (my vanilla ex, who is the loveliest of lovelies) is in a bit of trouble with his relationship, and it has come to my … Continue Reading

Loves: 19
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Champagne boys apply here

© 'What having a champagne boy looks like' by Ferns

I’d much rather feel angry than sad.

But now it seems like I’ve expended all this anger on my book, and I’ve used up all the spiky energy it gave me. Doing the work required to get it published in the next few days feels like wading through treacle in a fog.

What’s left in the aftermath of all that rage is a profound sadness that I’m struggling to shake.

The sadness feels more personal than the anger. It is more personal. Anger rages outwards, sadness looks inward.

I have some valid reasons to be sad, but the weariness … Continue Reading

Loves: 18
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Cougarling: Epilogue

© 'cougarling, August 2018' Rope, photo, effects by Ferns

I said in my last post about the cougarling’s visit that he never replied to the ‘thank you’ email I sent him a few days after we parted.

I was concerned that I’d left him with hurt or anger or bad feelings, and thought that his lack of reply may have been a reflection of that.

But he did reply, finally, and long after I had reconciled myself to not hearing from him again.

I was surprised, not least because it was super sweet, lovely.

At my best, I hope that men I have had in my life in some … Continue Reading

Loves: 24
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Shhh, don’t talk

I want to talk about wider lessons I learnt about trying something casual, but I’ll do that in another post.

One of the things, though, is this: If we aren’t compatible, I really need to not talk to him.


Because it breaks the tenuous hold on ‘whatever this is’ that we have established.

I knew it with holy-fuck-beautiful-eyes, and told him explicitly: ‘no talking’. It worked. But those were short visits of a few hours, not ‘an entire long weekend 24/7’.

Let me say this up-front: The cougarling is a lovely man, we were sweet and kind with … Continue Reading

Loves: 14
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