That first vanilla date had promise, but of course when I write I do not tell you everything.
I don’t write narratives, a list of facts, a blow-by-blow. I write, as best I can, an emotional truth. To tell you how things feel to me, what’s in my head. A truth, but not the whole truth in context and with detail because for those moments, it’s not relevant.
So let me fill in some gaps: There were practical issues with George Clooney. I mean, apart from the ‘he’s vanilla’ one. He has children under 10, a complicated relationship with his ex-wife, and no car. Those were the ones that would materially impact ‘how dating him would go’.
Still, logistical issues are easy to resolve if you have the will, but despite the hint of potential, neither of us was keen enough to suggest a second date either at the time or in the days that followed our date. I mused in my last that he already knew I would go after what I wanted, so possibly he felt he didn’t have to. But that being as it may, when a man is keen on me, I know it.
And if I am keen on him, I know it also.
My interest waned quickly, draining away as soon as the date was in the rear-view mirror.
The practicalities were a factor absolutely, not least because of the immediate ‘ugh, having to drive up to where he lives and back for a second date is a pain’. Or maybe I’m just fickle.
I left it 3 days before messaging him. I just… couldn’t decide if I wanted to. This is never a good sign. Still, I enjoyed our date and I felt I owed it to myself to give it a proper go. So I was teetering when I texted him. I told him I enjoyed his company (I did) and would love to see him again, trying to cycle up that enthusiasm to see if he would pick it up and dissipate some of my ambivalence.
His reply was somewhat garbled, but the crux I gleaned from it was ‘I’m interested but you need to convince me’ *insert my ‘you’re fucking joking, right?!’ face*.
It came from a perfectly valid concern about my dominance and about the BDSM discussion we’d had: He was struggling to see how it would work with us. That’s absolutely fair enough. But the way he put it was an immediate turn-off, so I went from ‘worth a go’ to ‘uh, no’.
There are many ways to raise those kinds of concerns, but ‘convince me’ is not one I’m willing to deal with. I have zero interest in talking a man into dating me, and even if I wanted to, I can’t. I am who I am: Either you like what you’ve seen so far and want to learn more and see how that goes, or you don’t. Absolutely we need to talk more about it as we feel out if this thing has legs, but I’m not willing to ‘sell myself’ to someone, to persuade them that I’m worth going out with, because that’s ridiculous.
I crowd-sourced the question of whether I could just drop it or if I had to go back and say ‘nah’ to him. I mean one date and a total of two texts is surely indicative of a mutual lack of investment, enough not to have to reply if you decide not to pursue it, amirite? I left it for a few days and he didn’t follow up, so I think we were on the same page. No harm, no foul.
But being as I am always Guilty McGuilterton from Guilttown, I ended up feeling uncomfortable with just not replying, so sent him a final text after about 4 or 5 days to let him know that I was bowing out and to wish him well.
And that, folks, is how I dumped* George Clooney**…
—
*Not really a dumping at all, of course, just expressing our pretty mutual lack of interest out loud :P.
**Also not really George Clooney. This entire post is a web of lies. LIES!
26 comments
Yeah… No. Nope.
Not going to “chase you” or “convince you” or “prove I’m interested.”. We’re not in grade school. Either there’s interest or there’s not. Both of which are totally fine but adults have a conversation that doesn’t include any implicit “it’s all on you, make it happen”.
The only time that should be a thing is if both parties already know that’s a thing. They *want* that dynamic and the challenge is in and of itself a statement of sincere interest that they know the other person will understand and enjoy.
Right?!
Because I’m generally slow to warm up, I usually need some bouncy enthusiasm to carry us both and if he had brought some, I would have been happy to see him again.
But this: No.
On reflection, I think at least part of that is related to power also. Being put in a position where you are told to petition for someone’s attention is a power play, even if it’s not consciously intended as such, and that’s a hard no right there. It gives me all sorts of bad feels.
Ferns
“Convince me…” That’s a very strange thing to say, so I’m reading this with a French accent, and wondering about the cultural angle. Maybe it sounds more normal in sultry French. I think it suggests a man who is used to having women go crazy for him, for whatever reason. (And yes, it’s a power move, so not OK on “our side of things.”)
Anyway, imagine you had shot back: “what do you mean? That’s a weird thing to say.” Put him on the spot, just to see the reaction. In any case, I always think it’s better to reply soon, and not leave it hanging. Good on you that you did.
To be fair, he never actually used the words ‘convince me’, but that was the intent.
I imagine if I had shot back a question, he would have used even more words to reiterate and explain that he meant ‘convince me’ without actually saying it :).
The more I think about it the less I like it: “Hey, you’re the deviant outlier here, so it’s incumbent upon you to convince (someone perfectly normal like) me that you’re worth stepping out of my comfort zone for…”
And yeah, I felt better for just sending a ‘nah’ even though I’m preeettttyyy sure he didn’t care either way.
Ferns
“**Also not really George Clooney. This entire post is a web of lies. LIES!”
I laughed so hard at this Ferns! Bravo bravo
Coug
:DD
Ferns
Correct me If I’m wrong, but “Convince me” seems to be something you’ve said you need from a man. “Convince me your worth it”. “Convince me you want to serve me.” ” Convince me your strong enough for me.” to name a few. Your need to be convinced is OK. His need is not?{s this part of your understanding of “power exchange”? You have it all. The other has none?
In 10 years I have used the words “convince me” in about 10 posts and none of them in the context you are talking about.
So yes, you’re wrong and I’m correcting you.
Ferns
OK
“In 10 years I have used the words “convince me” in about 10 posts and none of them in the context you are talking about.
So yes, you’re wrong and I’m correcting you.
Ferns”
And that ladies and gentleman is why Ferns is a class act! I’d have just whipped out the old prod
Coug
I like to save the cattle prod for special occasions :).
Ferns
” I’d have just whipped out the old prod” Oh you would have. Why? Because I asked a question? Because I made a comment. Or is it because I questioned? Was it too sensitive? Was it disrespectful? Tell me “Coug”, just what bothered you about my question that you want to just whip out the cattle prod on me?
@samuel: I feel like you read content on my blog looking for something to take issue with. I’m not sure what’s going on there with you, but it’s very clear that something is.
Coug takes out the virtual cattle prod for *everything*. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. It’s her signature move (which I imagine includes an impressive flourish and the baring of teeth :P), and it’s obviously light-hearted.
Ferns
This person was complimenting you on the restraint you used in answering my question, on how calm you were, and how civil you were in dealing with a person Coug perceived as offensive . Coug’s statement is quite clear on how she would have handled my “irritating” question. “I’d have whipped out the old prod” To do what? Flourish it in the air as her signature move Not likely. Rather she felt I needed to be hurt to teach me a lesson for my insolence to you. I see no “light heartiness” there. My original question was genuine, expressed in a courteous manner. You told me I was wrong and I simply said OK. I apologize for missing the section on your Ask Me page that states that all questions and comments must agree with your sentiments. I won’t let that happen again.
Ferns,
it’s both reassuring and cripplingly disappointing to find out that, yet again, you are only human.
That dude is a fucking bell end. And not in a good way. The older I get (hint: I’m now starting to get grey hairs) the more I realise we are all similarly fucked up.
Also …. Cougs is a girl???
I’ve been away a year or so. Is that when it happened?
So that’s what my drunk posting looks like?
No wonder my family block me on facebook. :/