Reader Q&A: Podcast #101 [Audio]

Welcome to another podcast. This Reader Q&A includes the following:

  • How to find a dominant woman: (here you go!)
  • I don’t trust him, what do I do?
  • Sweetness & box girder bridges
  • Mismatched communication styles
  • Navigating new relationships
  • Getting her from ‘indulging him’ to ‘taking the domme role’
  • Dealing with subs who tell Dommes ‘how it should be’
  • Does he have “too many hard limits”
  • More ideas for punishments please
  • And more!

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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[intro music] Shut up and sit down [/intro music]

Hello, Dear Listeners.

It’s Sharyn Ferns from domme-chronicles.com. That’s D-O-double-M-E dash Chronicles – you know how to spell chronicles, I’m sure. Welcome to another Reader Q&A.

I have a glass of wine. It is [laughing] not even lunch time. But, you know, wine helps everything. My preference is champagne, but I didn’t want to open a bottle because then I was obliged, really, to drink it all, because that’s what life is: Obligations to drink champagne.

So I’m going to get straight into it and we’ll see how we go. I do want to remind anyone who asks me a question – and I do love getting your questions, I really, really do – um, if it’s urgent [laughing] you’re going to be out of luck because… I am totally unreliable with these podcasts.

So, if you do have an urgent issue, or an urgent question, please email me, because I will try to come back to you in a timely fashion. Obviously it’s not anonymous, like the ask me page, but… if you want some help in a hurry, you know, that’s the way to do it.

[01:40]

Right, the first one:

i’m a 71-year-old alpha male. I’m interested in exploring my sub side. I don’t know where to find a domme/mistress to train me.

What would you suggest?

Thank you.

I would suggest you go and buy my book! [laugh] Yes, I am spruiking my own book here. I wrote a book, How to Find a Dominant Woman, and it is designed specifically for this question because it comes up so often and I found that I was repeating myself over and over and the book gives short, sharp, practical steps so that you have the best chance possible to find the domme of your dreams.

I’ll leave a link to it on my blog, but it’s on Amazon and if you search for ‘Sharyn Ferns’, you will find it. It’s good. Go grab it.

[02:38]

The next one was a little bit of an urgent one. And I’m hoping it’s sorted now.

And, uh, I think it’s Gail and I think I spoke to Gail in my last podcast. Gail says:

Hello again….I feel you are my only friend on this….

Oh, Here we go.

Oh! It is Gail.

My heart is breaking for I feel too much for my sub, yet he has no feeling in return. I am planning on sending him a text, straight out asking if I am his only Mistress as he has lied to me on this in the past. I am not good at sharing…I am scared for his answer or will he lie once again. Oh dear, I do sound like a mess. I am, please help. xox

And then there was a followup to that:

Oh Ferns, what else should I straight out ask him?

From Gail.

Gail, Gail, Gail.

I’m going to be quite… I’m going to be quite brutal with you. You don’t trust him and… you don’t feel like your feelings are reciprocated – he, he makes you feel insecure, he makes you feel unsure. And those are not the foundations of a good relationship. So, I know you don’t want to hear it, but you got to [lilting] kick him to the curb.

Um. This is not a healthy relationship. When you are angst-ing over what questions to ask him and then thinking, “Well, whatever I ask him, he’s going to lie to me about it.” Then what are you doing? I’m serious. You need to dump him.

And I know that that’s not easy, and I know you think he’s the one and, other than all of this, he’s perfect for you and you’re emotionally invested, you’ve invested time and energy. Maybe he’s the first one who has really brought out this domme side in you, and so you think it’s never going to happen again or you’re never going to find anyone like him again. And all of that is bullshit. And it is your brain and your emotions convincing you. So, yeah. Don’t ask him anything. Just say, “I’m done.” And be done.

I’m sorry, I wish I had something more positive to tell you, but I don’t.

[05:12]

[laughing]

URGENT QUESTION!

In all caps. And an exclamation point. [laugh]

Okay, so this isn’t urgent and it isn’t even a question. Just wanted to remind you that you’re beautiful. I hope you have a lovely day.

– Some stupid boy who still has a crush on you… and has been crushing for two years.

[laugh]

Thank you very much and you obviously have the most excellent taste which means you are not at all stupid. I appreciate that, thank you.

[05:46]

Next one:

Are you a cuddler? Genuinely curious. Big spoon or little spoon?

Um.

I think cuddling generally implies… in bed? Like with the whole cuddling to sleep. And no, I’m not.

I get “Ugh, ugh, ugh, uhg [hard tapping] [then, in an annoyed tone] Get off!” [laugh] When someone’s in my space. If I’m actually trying to sleep.

But if [switch to conspiratorial tone] I’m not actually trying to sleep [end tone] then, absolutely I’m a cuddler! I think it’s super sweet, and close-making, and lovely…

I like both spoons. I swing both ways, for spoons. [laughing]

I think there’s advantages to both. The main, um, disadvantage of being the big spoon is, did, um, if you put your, um, wherever you put it, it’s going to die sooner or later. So, for that reason, little spoon is awesome. But, I like both. So yeah.

[06:50]

[Laughter]

I’m wondering if this is the same person:

So… box girder bridges. Your thoughts?

[laughing]

I love you so much, anonymous emailer.

Um. And for those who were wondering where the hell this question comes from, I mentioned it… somewhere. [laugh] Where… I said that personal ads strike me as the wrong place to start a relationship, because the premise is: you’re single, I’m single, we’ve checked some boxes, let’s go from there. And I think I commented that, you know what, I I’d rather… you just enter into some random conversation about, say, box girder bridges. [laughing]

And then, from there, you get to, “Hey, you’re pretty interesting and awesome. How ’bout we go out for a drink or something?” I think that’s a much more… natural, I guess, progression into a relationship – a conversation that you’re both interested in.

As for my… thoughts on box girder bridges. Well… they allow a bridge to go over larger spans, so a bigger river, than, um, T-beam girder bridges. And… they’re pretty efficient in terms of use of materials and construction technique, so, yeah, overall, I’m for them. I’m for box girder bridges. I’m a box girder bridge girl. [slight laugh] So I hope that helps.

[08:35]

All right, this is a, quite a long one. And it’s a little bit convoluted, so, here we go:

Ma’am i have fallen in love with my beautiful dominant girlfriend

Which is… lovely, good for you.

I am a transgender woman going through hormone therapy and our relationship is online only at the moment, but we do have plans to be together in real life. But when we don’t talk for hours on end after she gets off of work i begin to feel like i have done something to upset her. She says she loves me a lot and i love her with all my heart, but i sometimes have feelings of unworthiness. But the moments we do talk i feel amazing. I was wondering if you could give me any advice to help me with this? I feel like i have upset her somehow, and even though she says i have not i still feel.

And then there is a little bit of a side thing here which is adding to this… drama going on.

i have recently…

This is a little bit… poorly worded, but anyway:

I have recently her sister’s husband [sic] found me on Facebook and proceeded to hit on me

[intake of breath, uncomfortable vocalization “oooogh”]

and i showed my girlfriend the screen shots of it and she was furious at him. But ever since then it seems like she’s been getting distant and i’m worried i’m going to lose her. We live 500 miles apart from each other, but we’re both saving up money for a visit. I don’t want to lose her, please will you give me some advice on how to help resolve these feelings and maintain my relationship?

Okay, so. [sigh]

The first part is easier than the second part.

So, the first part, I think, is you having different needs for contact and talking time together than she has. And that’s making you feel insecure. And I can understand that. Having different needs… makes it feel as if you are unwanted when her lesser need for that type of contact takes priority. So I think what you need to do in that, um, domain is to have a chat to her (a) believe here when she says that there’s nothing wrong and that she loves you. Trust her. I mean, if you can’t believe things that she says, and you don’t trust her to tell you the truth, then you’ve got some whole other issues going on there. So believe her when she says that.

The second thing is… talk to her about, not about, “Oh, I need more contact with you,” but talk to her about how your needs for more contact conflict with the way that she interacts with you. And I don’t say talk to her in order for her to change, I say talk to her in order so you may both come to an understanding of how to allay your fears while still giving her the opportunity to have the space that she presumably needs.

So there’s a compromise to be had there. So, maybe, you know, after work she doesn’t talk to you for hours – she just pops in and says, “Hi, I’m off work” and, you know, “Love you, miss you, going to go watch some TV” or something. You know, so at least she’s checked in. You may be able to find some sort of compromise like that.

Now, the other thing, with the Facebook sister’s husband awfulness: Uh. I honestly do not know what to tell you about that. Because… that, that obviously is going to make her very, very uncomfortable… with everything to do with Facebook, honestly, [laugh] with everything to do with social media, with the awkwardness with whether she should tell her sister, with the awfulness of finding out her husband – her sister’s husband is a freakin’ jerk-face arsehole. Um, and then your… situation, where you’re kind of in the middle of this ugly family stuff. [sigh] So I don’t know what to tell you about that. If you’ve talked about it… then that’s all you can do, and… I don’t think there is a way to make that all good because that is ugly stuff and it’s awful, and it’s awkward and… she may just not know how to deal with it. And because you’re part of that, that may be contributing to her backing away a little bit while she tries to figure out how to handle it.

Um, all you can do is to talk about it and, I don’t know, I assume you’ve blocked him, and blocked her, and blocked everybody to, to get out of that situation. But there’s no easy answer for that. That’s messy awful stuff that she’s obviously trying to sort out. And I think that would create a lot of internal conflict for her that actually hasn’t got a lot to do with you.

I wish you the best of luck with it.

[13:54]

Okay, the next one…

I just got into BDSM, and started a master/slave relationship about 2 1/2 weeks ago. His previous sub/slave wants to learn to be a Dom, so he has her training with me, while I’m also training to be a slave/sub. I asked to be trained in orgasm control, because I’ve always had problems achieving orgasms. I was given a set of specific instructions on how to masturbate and told to report immediately afterwards. But I fell asleep right afterwards. I usually masturbate to fall asleep before I met them, and they were both upset the next morning. I apologized, but they want me to make it up to my Mistress. I think they want me to punish myself, I told them I don’t know what to do and they said they were disappointed.

[Ferns makes hard to describe popping “keck” noise in throat] That was a [does it again] noise. That was a… and, uh, sticking out my tongue. [laughter]

I’ve only met with my Master twice, and never met my Mistress before. I don’t know what to do, or how to make it up to her. I’m still very new. I’m not sure if I should be better by now.

God, it’s been two and a half weeks, darling. I feel bad for you.

Maybe I’m just really slow at adapting, but I’m trying. How do I get them to see that I’m trying and just need more help? And what type of punishment should I choose? I honestly have no idea what to do. I want this to work, but it’s not.

Aww, sweetheart, they’re… being jerks to you. Honestly? I don’t like it. [laughter]

I don’t like it. One. Bit.

Uh. So you’re brand new, and you’re in this relationship for two and half weeks, and their expectations are too high and… they’re loading you up with… expecting one hundred percent perfection, and then expecting you to punish yourself, and figure out how to do that when you’re brand new, and the relationship’s new. It’s just unfair.

So! Here’s what I think:

One. You– No, you should not be (and I’m putting this in air quotes) better by now. You are not slow at adapting. [sigh] So they, they have gone straight into this play-type arrangement with you, which is great when it’s fun, but they haven’t made any foundation with you; there’s no foundation there. So, two and half weeks and they’ve done this thing, and you didn’t get this right, and now they’re [mockingly] “disappointed” and want you to “come up with your own punishment” and I just think it’s a big mess of nope.

[exhalation] So, I’m hoping you’ve sorted this out by now because this is… well, I assume you have because this, um, question came in a few weeks ago. But my, my view, even if you have sorted it out, is this: When you are new, anything that is new in a relationship (and if you’re new to BDSM, you’re new to these types of relationships, um, you’ve never even met one of these people, and they’re saying how disappointed they are in you for failing to do a play thing – it wasn’t even something that was a foundational thing for the relationship) um… is a, is a mess of expectations that have not been clearly laid out and not, have not been built on any kind of mutual understanding of what this relationship is, or how it works, or what your role is in it. It sounds like they just went, “Here, do a thing.” “Uh, you didn’t do it. We’re disappointed, you better come up with your own punishment.”

And that’s just, I dunno, it’s not a relationship. [slight laugh] It’s a transactional exchange where they’re absolving themselves of any responsibility.

And… when it’s play based, like you have here, and when you say you’ve met him twice and now you’re in a master/slave relationship after two and half weeks, there is nothing there that you are building on, it’s just random play stuff. So,
(a) I wouldn’t take their disappointment too seriously. I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t. Um, and
(b) – you need to talk to them about this.

So, a proper sit down discussion about expectations on both sides, and about how you deal with failures on your part, or how you deal with, um, punishments if you have a punishment dynamic. I think, if they… want a certain type of relationship and they have not laid that out clearly to you, it’s unfair of them to behave this way towards you.

You got something wrong, I get it. So, they’re disappointed. I get that too. Because they wanted something fun, and hot, and cute. And it didn’t turn out that way, so they’re disappointed, so I get that. But… it shouldn’t be such a big deal that you’re coming to me with it. You know what I mean? It should be a minor thing that you talk to them about, you talk it through, it’s done, you come up with what you’re going to do next time, and avoid, you know, having this situation occur again.

The fact that you’re coming to a stranger on the internet about this, and you’re really worried and concerned about it is an issue, I think. When you honestly have no idea what to do, with your (and I’m putting this in air quotes, too) “master and mistress”, then you have a communication issue, and that’s the crux of your problem there. So, yeah.

If you’re still in this relationship, and it’s still not clear, or it’s still stumbling along, I suggest you sit down and have a serious chat with them about each of your expectations. And what this relationship is going to look like and how things will be handled.

I hope it goes well for you.

[20:57]

[exhaling] Right.

Hello (smiley face)

My name is Omid from Iran, and i love your podcasts. Thank you for allll your advice and stories.

You are so welcome, Omid.

Please help and advise.

My question is, I’m in a relationship for 2 years now, and my girlfriend knows about how I like to be dominated. But as a submissive man, i would obviously like it if she starts genuinely enjoying being dominant and acting like a proper domme.

[laughing] Oh no, this is going to go really badly, isn’t it? Oh.

For example, just out of nowhere, she commands me to do something and ordering me to anything she desires, disregarding my wants and feelings… instead of me reminding her every once in while on how i like her dominating me. Of course she loves me and would do what i ask, and have done in the past, but as you know, asking her to dominate me simply takes the domme-sub feeling away. So is it possible to somehow make her mentality as to becoming a domme? If so, can you advice me how?

Keep in mind, she has a very strong, independent, powerful personality in general, like if anyone meets her once, they would think shes a strong domme in bed too.

Im going to ask her to marry this month. If this domme-sub thing works out, i believe our marriage would be simply perfect.

Thank you again

Okay.

So! Number one: you can’t change people. You can’t make her do anything. I know you are… hopeful. And she sounds fabulous, in that she is trying to indulge you in this. But it is clear from what you said that this is not her thing. So when she indulges you, she is being an awesome, amazing partner to you. And… I can see that you appreciate that, but there is a huge difference between someone being a good partner to you and doing what they know you like, and someone being motivated to do that on their own because that’s what they like. And let me tell you this: many men, with wonderful partners, would die and kill to have someone who would indulge them in their D/s fantasies. So, you’re ahead of the game here. Someone you love, who is willing to play this game with you.

So. One: get rid of the idea that you can make her change herself. You may as well… if you think that that’s a valid thing to do, then it should be equally valid to say to you, “Just stop being submissive. Just stop wanting that thing, and this problem goes away.” And that’s equally as valid as you saying, “I want her to change.” Why don’t you just change, if it’s that easy? So, I hope you’re getting the point there – that’s not how it works.

So, having said that… there are some things you can do to make her indulging you, which is what she’s doing – and you should be grateful for it – um, more spontaneous. So, for example, a simple thing would be for you to set up a date night, you know, once every two weeks, or whatever you’re both comfortable with, where she springs whatever D/s stuff she can come up with on you.

If you want to help her be more comfortable with doing that, you can have a jar. Have a jar with ideas, that you’ve come up with, that you would love, and whenever she feels like indulging you, or she feels like being playful, she can pick something out of the jar and she can do that. So, in that case, you don’t have to explicitly ask her, if you set up some kind of system and you then have these date nights, you then have a way for her to (a) get the ideas out of the jar and (b) not have to explicitly, um, wait for you to ask.

[suddenly more serious tone] On the other side of this – and this is very, very important – [switching to soft, questioning tone] have you ever asked her what her fantasies are? What are you doing for her? And you need to have a think about this.

Because your mail to me is all about what you want, you want her to do this, you want her to do that, and she would be perfect if she would only do this. So… my question to you is, your fantasies are not her fantasies. So what are her fantasies? So, as she is indulging you in your D/s fantasies, then you need to do the same for her. So, make it clear to her that her pleasure is something that you are equally invested in, because that’s not what it sounds like right now. So she also gets a jar. And maybe her fantasies are submissive ones. And… you play them out for her. And then you live happily ever after.

[sigh]

I hope it works out for you both.

[26:43]

Okay. Next one. [sort of humming] Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm.

Oh! Okay.

Firstly, excuse my English. Secondly, I started reading your blog a week ago and I adored it.

Thank you so much.

I’m a twenty-one, twenty-one? [misread, so said a bit self-reprovingly]… [as correction] twenty-nine-year-old woman, Arab, pretty, educated and strong. I’m living in a small village and in a poor family and society. I just met this man online – the kind of man that owns multiple cars, can afford private jet, and is a successful businessman. I know all of that because we met on Snapchat.

From our first discussion I figured out he loves to be dominated.

Although the fact i’m considered a sweet and nice woman, I suddenly found myself into this potential D/s relationship.

I ordered him to call me master, and he did. And than I was sure of my doubts. We talked that day and we knew each other a little better, and another day according to its schedule.

He asked me to insult him and I did so. He told me that he will do whatever I want and he will make me happy, etc. The third day I give him an exact hour to talk, around 10. He agrees, but he didn’t show up until the next day and he just asks for forgiveness and everything goes very well until he suddenly just disappears from the discussion. And after 5 hours he read my last message and didn’t reply. After two days I sent him a message asking him where the hell he was. He replied: master, sorry, I was busy and I missed you.

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

That’s in all caps. [slight laugh]

I hate this kind of treatment. It must be me. How do I do this?

I want expert help. I’m not a native dominant, but i start to get used to how to act, how to treat him, how to get advantage of the distance between us. The fact that I’m one year older than him, and he is lucky to find a woman like me in an oriental community. Help me to get all of him: his power, his money, and his will.

Ahh. [sighing a bit]

And I answered this one already in email because, um, she sent a followup and, so, I’m going to let you know what I put in email. Because I think this is… not so uncommon?

I’m going to say several things to you with the little information you’ve told me, but none of them are going to get you where you want to go.

One: You haven’t met a man who’s a successful business man who owns multiple cars, who can afford a private jet, etc. You’ve met a man who says he is those things. I’m not sure why you think it’s true just because he was on Snapchat. [snap of fingers] Men on the internet lie to get attention of attractive women. There is exactly zero reason to believe him, unless you actually have his personal details and can verify his information with external data. For example, if you’ve seen him and have his name, then any very successful businessman will probably have a professional internet presence that will allow you to independently verify him.

Two: He’s flaky. My guess is that he’s married.

Three: He’s treating you like a disposable fetish dispenser. That is, when it’s convenient for him, he will seek you out and expect you to perform dominance for him. When it’s not convenient to him, he will just disappear.

Four: Nothing is going to come of this.

Um, I know that none of this what you want to hear. You want to hear a strategy for making this man yours, and you are envisaging a way into a glorious life with him. It’s not going to happen. Even if what he’s telling you about himself is true, and it’s not, trust – trust me, it’s not – he’s showing you with his behavior exactly what you can expect from him. That is: unreliable behavior and a lack of respect. You can’t change that with some magic dommely behavior. And it’s not you, it’s him. He’s not behaving this way because you lack experience, he’s behaving this way because he’s an online wanker.

I really wish I could tell you something positive, but these guys are a dime a dozen and… seriously, they’re not worth wasting your time on.

That wasn’t very hopeful, was it? [tongue click]

But, sometimes, I really don’t think there is any hope. It’s just a big mess of nope.

[31:54]

This one made me laugh.

Dear Ferns,

Do you prefer a submissive who carries a cute boyish charm or a manly and hunky dude?

[laughing]

Calum Hood or George Clooney?

Okay, I have never hear of Calum Hood, and I looked him up, and he’s, like, twelve years old. [laughter] Okay, fine, he’s not twelve, he’s twenty-two.

Um, so yeah, I’ll take a George Clooney, thank you very much. Look. I’m a “woman of a certain age” and, um… I like men who have a boyish outlook on the world. And I think that’s a rare thing as you get older. Um, and what I mean by that is a real wide-eyed enthusiasm that isn’t jaded by life experience, and bitter divorces, and bad relationships, all that sort of stuff.

Um, but, your… [laugh] examples. Seem to be… just about looks? And in that sense, it’s not about that for me. So, yeah. Out of those two, I’d choose George Clooney, but that’s not how I state my preferences, or how I view my preferences.

[33:20]

Um.

Hello,

I was introduced to the Domme life by an old boyfriend who has now moved. I find that I like to be in control and like kinky play. However, in trying to find a sub all I have been encountering are subs who have obviously had mistresses before or are pros at it and they come with preconceived notions of how I should be and act with them. My main problem is those who say I should be willing to degrade or humiliate and talk dirty, but this is something I don’t like to do. How can I go about finding a sub we can grow together? Or is it better to go for one with experience? How do I make sure the sub is not inadvertently being the domme?

I, I think this is a really common question, actually. For newbie dommes. And, you’re kind of looking at it in a convoluted way.

So, (a), the example you gave, with subs who say you should be willing to do things you don’t want to do, is – that’s a simple incompatibility problem. Pluuuus, they’re being jerks. Because a sub who is into those things, where the dominant is not – well, an experienced sub – would recognize that it is a compatibility problem. Someone who’s trying to manipulate you is going to say, [in deep voice] “Well, as the domme you should be doing these things, ’cause that’s what dommes do.” And that’s just bullshit, right? And you know that. I can see that you know that.

So… whether they have preconceived notions or not is about them as individuals, and how they express them is also about them as individuals. And I do think that new dommes are often targets of submissives who try and, you know, build-a-domme. Like you go to those workshops and you build a teddy, right? They want to build a domme, so they tell you how you should dominate, and what you should say, and how you should dress, and all that sort of bullshit. So, you obviously recognize that that is bullshit.

But, you have then gone on (b) – I think I said “a” earlier? [laugh] (b), you’ve then gone one to conflate that with… them being new, or them being experienced. And the two are not related. What I mean is, that someone who behaves the way you said, where they go, “Oh, you should be doing this, and you should be doing that.” That’s not to do with experience, that’s to do with being a jerk face.

When I was a newbie domme, um, my first submissive was a… an experienced, um, bottom at least. And… so I learnt a lot from him. And the thing was that he was a good man who… helped me to learn things in a way that… was not prescriptive. So he didn’t say, “You should do this” or “You should do that” – we went to try things together and, if he had experience in it, he would show me how to do it. And experienced submissives are fan-tas-tic for that. [hastily added] If they aren’t jerkfaces. [laughter]

So… experienced or not is not a question you should be asking. It’s more important to find someone who is compatible with you, and who is willing to give you the space to find your feet with them. And both new subs or experienced subs can both do that. I actually think a lot of new subs come in with preconceived ideas, because they’ve watched a lot of porn. So I’m not convinced that a new submissive is necessarily going to be “better” at not having preconceived ideas than an experienced sub. The advantage of an experienced sub is that, if he’s had real-life relationships, he knows that dominant women vary, and that they all have different tastes, and he will be… happier, I think, to support a new dominant in finding her feet.

How do you make sure the sub is not inadvertently being the domme? You say, “Here are the things I like, here are the things I want to learn. If you have some experience in some of those, then I would be delighted to, you know, take your experience on board and if it’s… actual techniques (’cause a lot of submissives have fabulous rope technique or flogging technique, or whatever the hell), then you can have little sessions where he teaches you. So it’s not a play session, it’s a training session – where he can show you how to use implements or, you know, show you how to do certain things. And that works out great.

So, yeah, say what you want, tell people who want you to be something else to piss off. That’s my advice.

[38:03]

Hello, I am really new to the scene, but pretty sure I am Domme-inclined. How do I advertise for a sub but also let it be known I am new to the scene and would like to start off easy, without being questioned on if am really a Domme or not?

Um. You just say that. Say, “I’m new. I’m interesting in learning, I’m interested in finding a partner to learn with, or “I’m interested in starting a relationship” and… I think if you’re new, it does behoove you to do your own research and education rather than relying one someone else, so that you have input from many places.

So, online, um, forums, on FetLife, for example; educational videos; you can go out into your local community; so there’s a whole bunch of places where you can get a whole bunch of different information from a whole bunch of sources, as well as from, um, a sub. And you just hold to your boundaries. So if you’re not ready to do X, and they want to do X. You just – don’t do it. You can just say no. And if they question if you’re really a domme, then just kick them to the curb and find someone else, because that’s bullshit.

Wow, I’m telling… [laugh] I’m telling a lot of people that stuff is bullshit in this podcast. But it is bullshit, so [tongue click] what can you do?

[39:32]

Hi there, I am a submissive guy but a bit different.

I am hugely attracted to mommydoms and dommes whose style of domination is through nurturing and caring and I prefer gentle and light femdom. But i haven’t seen even one of such women on any BDSM dating site and not even in a munch.

What should I do? Should I just date a traditional sort of domme and discuss my fantasy with her?

[sigh] First. [soft laugh]

I think it’s a mistake to date someone because of what kind of dominant they are, because they may be the perfect “type” of dominant and still be a really, really bad fit for you, and vice versa.

I think there’s a huge difference between a mommy domme… and, what’s often called, um, sensual dominantion or gentle femdom – where there’s a lot of nurturing and caring and all that sort of stuff. So I would not restrict my search to people who identify themselves as mommy dommes.

I think you need to be a little bit more specific about the kind of relationship you want. And find someone for whom that fits.

And, you know, you mention ‘a traditional sort of domme’, and I’m not really sure what you mean by that. But what it indicates to me is that you think we’re all the same. And really, we’re not. So… you probably need to talk to a lot more people to get a better idea about what you want and how that fits in with how people have relationships – have D/s relationships.

And I think you’ll be surprised to find that, unless you have some very specific fetishes, you are probably going to find that there’s a lot wider range of people who are interested in what you’re interested in that you think.

Good luck with that.

[41:36]

[laugh] I wonder if this is from the same person.

Are you on the extreme side of femdom? I mean, if I were to pick any random average domme, will she be more or less kinky than you? Winky face.

That’s a bizarre question. I… I don’t know. There’s no, no such thing… as a random, average domme. I don’t know what that looks like, so I don’t see any value in comparing extremeness in some way. So yeah, I’ve got nothing. I’ve got nothing.

[42:20]

If I gave you a magic potion which would turn you into an everyday vanilla woman and faaaar from a kinky one, would you take it?

Personally I would.

Um… It’s a really good question, actually. I don’t think that my… desire for a certain type of relationship is necessarily kinky, to be honest. I think if we had a more equal society, how I like to have my relationships would be perfectly normal. But, we haven’t grown up in an equal society, um, and that is not happening. So, the idea of being turned into an everyday vanilla woman, to me conjures up relationships that make me feel very uncomfortable and unhappy. So I find it very hard to image being so changed that suddenly a vanilla relationship would look awesome to me. So, a better [laugh] a better question might be: If I gave the world a magic potion in which your desires were perfectly normal and suddenly your pool of prospective partners was everyone in the world – would you make them take it?

[laugh] Yes. Yes I would. Thank you for asking.

[43:51]

Hi,

I am a submissive guy with too many hard limits.

Will that affect my dating game negatively?

What should I do?

I don’t know. What are ‘too many hard limits’? Too many is subjective. So… I have no way to answer that question. If, if your hard limits are… I don’t know, I don’t know, too many: you can’t touch me, you can’t be seen in public with me, um, you can’t talk to me [laughing], you know like, yes, that’s too many! And that’s a problem!

Um… I, I suspect what you mean is that the areas of control that you want to give up are very narrow, and the types of sex and play you want to have are very specific. That’s what I imagine. So, for example, you… will only do bondage, but not very tight. You… do not want to do any types of service or anything that doesn’t make your dick hard. You… I don’t know… I’m really struggling to come up with these. [laugh] You will not, um, ever do anything nice for your partner [laugh] that’s a hard limit, like, then, yes. Obviously that’s going to affect your dating game.

So, I think if you consider that you have too many hard limits, you probably do. I don’t know what you’re comparing it to. But if it’s a concern for you, then I’m kind of imaging that if you’ve done any level of research into BDSM and into D/s relationships, and you have still determined that you have too many hard limits, then I would guess that, yes, it’s going to affect you negatively when you are going out to date.

I think that part of the thing is that, as a, as a dominant woman looking for a partner I want – and this is very personal, right, because not everyone is like me – but, I want a submissive who submits. And to me that opens up an entire range of activities that are not necessarily all kink based, but some might be. But they are authority and control based, they are obedience based and, for me, as soon as someone starts saying, “Oh yes, but not this and not that, and not the other thing, and not that, and only that on a Wednesday, and only that on a Friday, and not if I have to work the next day, and only those things that I really like, and not that thing” – I’m out. And so, for me, that’s not… what a relationship looks like, and that’s not what submission looks like.

So, yeah, I think possibly? I don’t know. You have to tell me what they are, and then I can tell you more clearly. But hopefully that’s been a little bit helpful.

[46:56]

I need ideas on what to do if my man displeases me but I am not with him. I need to punish him from far away. I have done things such as make him start to pleasure himself and then, just as he is about to cum, put ice on his penis to make it go soft, or make him wear a butt plug all day while I am not there. I need something new, while I am away I need him to know I am still in charge. Any new ideas?

This… this kind of thing always baffles me. Because… he’s done something dis- that displeases you, and your “punishment”, or your method of letting him know that you’re still in charge is to play with him. And that makes no sense to me. That’s not a punishment [said laughingly] in any sense of the term.

So, (a) why, why do you need to punish him?

If he’s displeasing you in some way, then the punishment is to have a really difficult chat with him about what the hell is going on, and why he’s doing things that aren’t pleasing you, and what the problem is, and how is he going to sort it out, and be a real, you know, this is, this-is-how-it-is-and-let’s-sort-this-shit-out type of person. And then, if you want to punish him – and I do have a punishment dynamic – then make it something useful.

So you’ve had a chat about what he did wrong, and you’ve had a chat about strategies for him to fix it, and then the punishment might be, right, write a one-page essay on “why your obedience is important to our relationship.” Or, if he’s done something to displease you, like, he didn’t send you an email when he said he would, or something, then he can send an email every hour, on the hour, from, you know, 5 pm ’til 11 pm. And each email has to contain information on how he’s going to do better. That’s punishment, that’s what punishment looks like. [laugh] Wearing a butt plug… is not punishment. Edging… mmm… not punishment. [laugh] It’s your attention, it’s fun, it’s hot. You know. So, yeah. I would suggest… not doing [laughing] any of that.

I hope that helps. If you’re just looking for play things, so you just really mean you want to do some fun hot stuff, go and look at a BDSM checklist. Because they are full of all the fun hot stuff, and you can probably get some really good ideas from that. There are also lots of groups on FetLife for long distance or online play, and I’m sure you’ll find lots of ideas in those groups as well. But if he’s actually displeasing you and you’re trying to change his behavior, doing fun stuff is 100% of the time not going to work.

[50:00]

Okay, I think this might be the last one.

Hello Ferns

First of all thank you for the blog and the podcast.

You’re welcome!

I found you through your great interview on Masocast

I have two interviews on there. So special.

And this has brought me to a big realization recently.

I’ve been searching for a sincere, smart and funny submissive for years. I know they’re out there because I’ve been crushing pretty hard on the Masocast host…

Unspeakable Axe is a total cutie-pie.

…and a few other male submissive blogs and held them up as a reason to hope. Then it hit me, I have no idea what any of them look like. It’s possible I wouldn’t be attracted to them in the least, and yet I’m imagining them as some standard. What if I’ve been focusing so much on sexual appeal and that’s why all of my experiences have been with pretty boys who only want their kinks met? How does one ignore appearances and focus on them as a submissive? I’m starting to wonder if I’ve ignored some good potentials out there because they don’t match my physical ideal.

Thank you again and I realize this may be an impossible question to answer.

From P.

First of all, I think, I… one of the advantages of seeing someone presented on the internet, like Unspeakable Axe and these male submissive blogs you’ve been reading is that you get to see how they think, you get to see how they speak, you get to hear their voice and their inner monologues and how they relate to themselves and the world, and that is a very intimate glimpse of people. And it’s actually one of the reasons I really like online interactions, because you get to see inside people in a way that you normally don’t.

And I think almost certainly, from your experience that you’ve laid out there, that, yes, absolutely, you’re passing over awesome potentials because you have, I guess, favoured physical appearance over anything else. And I, I’m not saying that pretty boys can’t be awesome – as people, as submissives, all that sort of stuff. ‘Course they can! But there are plenty of men out there who are not the traditional idea of pretty who are the most beautiful, fantastic partners and submissives you would ever be lucky to have in your life.

So, you’re right, it is an impossible question to answer. But let me answer from my perspective. My last submissive was the most beautiful man, to me, that I was ever lucky enough to have under my hands. And he was not conventionally good-looking. At. All. And he was… beautiful to me. Just… Ah! Heart-melting. And the reason for that is because attraction is not about physical appearance, for most people people. Physical appearance absolutely is a thing, and I’m not ever going to deny that. I get stupid over the pretty. Like, really, brain-meltingly stupid. But, I have honestly never had a partner who was that: you know, conventional, walk down the street, women fainting at his feet, kind of way.

But they were alllll just that to me. How do you do it? I don’t think that ignoring physical appearance and focusing on them as a submissive is the answer. I think you meet people where they are, for who they are. And in that you’re not ignoring physical attraction, because that has to be there. But there’s a HUGE difference between attraction and them being conventionally good-looking. Huge!

So. One of the things I have done in the past… is, because I find all of my submissives online, is that I don’t let them send me a photo until [laugh] we have a connection. And you can form very strong connections and then when they send you a photo and they might not be traditionally good-looking, you will see them for who they are, because you’ve made that connection.

I think it’s a mistake to dismiss people because they aren’t conventionally attractive. And some people will do that anyway and, you know, that’s their right to do that. But most people aren’t. To be perfectly honest, most people are kind of ordinary. And what makes them attractive is not their physical appearance, what makes them attractive is them as a person, their personality, and they makes you laugh, and they’re super sweet, and they’re kind to dogs, and they love their mother, and they buy you little gifts that they thought of while they were at the shops, and they remember your birthday, and they might be [said with slight laugh] gloriously submissive.

So, yeah. I don’t think you can ignore appearance, but I think you can meet people for who they are, and you can talk to people for who they are. And attraction grows in mysterious ways. And chemistry is indefinable. And it’s rare that it’s just about looks, that’s not how chemistry works, and that’s not how relationships grow. So, you’ve tried the pretties, and… they were looking at you as a kink dispenser, so I think just widen, widen your viewpoint a little bit. Yeah.

I wish you luck. But I think it’s an interesting lesson to learn, but I, again, I don’t think ignoring appearance is the way to go – appearance is part of a person. But it’s only one small part, and people are more than that. So look deeper. Look deeper and relate to them. And you will find some super gems, I promise you.

[56:39]

And… that was the last one! [laughter] Yay!

So that was about an hour. Thank you for sticking with me.

If you would like to ask me a question, on my blog I have an Ask Me page, and the questions there are anonymous. I won’t know who you are, so you can ask me whatever you like, um, but, again, like I said in the beginning, don’t ask me anything urgent, because that’s not how it works.

And so, my blog is at www.domme-chronicles.com. And there will be a transcript of this podcast there, so you can go and browse it at your leisure.

Until next time, thank you for listening.

[closing music]

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6 Comments

  1. The idea of punishment like that is one that (now) cracks me up. When I was first starting out I had a horrible time because my punishments were all … ‘funishment’ type things and not at all deterrents, just a way to manipulate extra attention from me.

    And then I started assigning lines. And it was AMAZING how quickly those sorts of misbehaviors stopped when the result is not ‘oooo sexy fun times humiliation stuff’ and instead a really tedious couple of hours of writing lines.

    1. I think it’s really common for new dominants to go that way, and of course the idea of it is often well supported by submissives they meet, so it can take a while to get to the point of side-eyeing it and going “Hoooolllddd onnnn…” :).

      And yes, if you’re going with a punishment dynamic (I tend to), then tedious/practical/thoughtful works a lot better. Fancy that! :P

      Ferns

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