Realisation


There is more, of course, there is a story. There is always a story.

I make my choices, even if the choices aren’t so healthy for me, or for others. I make them, I own them.

I am not surprised by how it played out, and I am grateful for that lack of surprise: my instincts are sound and they serve me well.

There is some hurt, some anger. But mostly I am sad.

Feeling a little lonely if I’m honest. It’s rare for me to feel lonely. Even though I am most often alone.

Melancholy.

I might write about it soon.

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24 Comments

  1. *hugs

    I think it is often the hardest to break the habit of putting up with too much out of fear the loneliness that may result from it. Unfortunately it also often ends up at the same outcome with the only difference being the amount of time it took to get there.

    Take care, Ferns.

    1. Interesting perspective.

      I guess I don’t see it as ‘putting up with too much out of fear’, it’s more that I feel *their* perspective more than my own and prioritise it because I empathise. Even when it makes no sense to do that.

      I’ll have to think more about it.

      And thank you for the hugs *smile*.

      Ferns

      1. Hi Ferns.

        I apologize for poor word choice on my part. I wasn’t able to convey my thoughts all that well.

        I used to go through the similar things with people. From my experiences this happens the most often when we have an “opening” in our life/heart that we are hoping to fill. We are more likely to forgive those that have the potential to be what we are looking for. We want it, hope for it, and try to keep the potential there even when signals tell us they will let us down. Those who have a slew of reasons/excuses for hurting and disappointing us are rarely able to bring the connection we are hoping for… and even if we know this, it feels like it hurts more to give up on them before the situation has played itself out. By “fear” I meant the awful feeling of giving up hope on someone that you feel has potential.

        I apologize if I’m reading this incorrectly. My head has been cloudy lately.

        Just remember that you are great. Take care.

        *hug.

        1. No apologies necessary.

          I think part of it is that many of us want to believe the best of people we care about, but in order to do that we have to find reasons (excuses) for their poor behaviour.

          It’s often easy to see it from the outside, and people who aren’t in it will *easily* (and correctly) say ‘that person’s [being] an arsehole, don’t put up with that shit’. From inside, though, we go ‘but but…’

          The extreme of that is outright abuse, but there is a whole spectrum of much lesser evils before we ever get close to that.

          *hugs*

          Ferns

  2. You have no idea how amazed I am to hear another Bossy type woman express this. I still struggle with this although I’ve gotten much better over the years. Oddly, a lot of it came from interacting with a bossy type male who loved me utterly but who was used to getting his way (for obvious reasons) from the women he adores. He would push on me until I finally screamed ENOUGH and then, always, genuinely, compassionately, totally apologize and… change for me.

    I looked at our way of interacting and knew that I had to apply the same principal to my other relationships and learn when to yell ENOUGH much sooner. If it’s not okay for someone I love to endure it, why would I consider it okay for myself? (By the way, I also have proven to be more emotionally resilient than many I know and I think they combined with my natural level of leading/bossy person made me somehow think that since I -could- handle something, therefore I SHOULD handle it. (

    1. Thank you for sharing that.

      I can absolutely relate to thinking that ‘since I -could- handle something, therefore I SHOULD handle it’.

      I think especially when I feel protective or nurturing towards someone, I will take things on because I think they are more vulnerable than me.

      And that’s true even if they caused ‘whatever it is’ with poor behaviour. I feel responsible, then guilty if I absolve myself of the responsibility.

      Bah!

      Ferns

  3. Far too many estrogen fueled feelings on this blog. Can we get back to talking about whips and discipline, domination and submission, please. Isn’t that what this blog is about?

      1. Now that is what I am talking about. Not sure how you did that, but thank you.
        As far as your loneliness, funk, depression, or whatever else is bothering you. The solutions to all those things is in your own mind. You are obviously a very intelligent woman. Use that intelligence to find your passion, to develop loving relationships. They will make you want to jump out of bed in the morning. Your potential is absolutely unlimited.

        1. Fellow Anonymous guy.
          Seriously, try not to mansplain solutions to Miss Ferns. The expression “as irritating as fuck” has been used before on this blog.

      2. That’s just an awesome response Miss Ferns.
        If you’re so completely awesome when you’ve had a lousy week then you are going to be dangerous as hell when you’re happier.

        (another) Anonymous

  4. Ah empathy, you lead us down the rabbit hole and make it so hard for us to climb back out. I spent years truly believing I wouldn’t be enough. I tried convincing myself that was perfectly fine; the hand I was dealt. I wasn’t building walls, T’was an armor needed to live. An abundance of decades long drama always seemed to find me as a spectator. I saw vulnerability after vulnerability go sour. Some hurts fester long after you believed the bleeding had ended. When you see those around you in pain your identity becomes solely focused on trying to fix them while also distrusting outsiders; potential threats before potential friends.

    That loneliness isn’t sustainable. All anyone can do is try and learn from a hurt and make better mistakes tomorrow. Those that seek to exploit empathy will reveal themselves eventually. Those that are worthy of your empathy and more will be there to catch you when you fall. Hugs.

    1. Yes, empathy is great to a point. Then it’s a suckhole of badness.

      I think that because I make connections so rarely I value them beyond reason and protect them when they probably don’t deserve protection.

      And sometimes it’s NOT a tricky line, I may just make choices in the midst of it that even at the time make me wonder about myself.

      Learning lessons, always. And thank you for the hug *smile*.

      Ferns

      1. Empathy, sympathy, compassion and understanding need, deserve and are owed their reciprocity in like measure.

        I’d hoped that this time, you’d found your counterpart who expressed that through submission.

        =hug=

  5. I think realization in a situation like this removes the hope that may have been there. That is always sad, because it represents a loss, the loss of that hope that was hanging in there. Bummer.

    Warm hug.

  6. None random name generator (I actually put some effort into these constantly changing shitty names, not that it shows) says:

    One of the things I’ve always most liked about you is the contrast between your darkest fantasies and the sheer, incorruptible decency you have when it comes to dealing with others.

    But you know you can do that while also placing your interests alongside those of your partner, right?

    Yours,

    Useless advisory person.

    1. I can do a lot of things, yes. I think because I often take the role of caretaker, my primary objective is for the other person to be okay. Even if that’s at my expense. So I find it very difficult to draw the line when someone lays their pain at my feet. My instinct is to pick it up and it’s very hard to resist that urge.

      I have drawn the boundaries very clearly this time, though. So progress. I guess.

      Ferns

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