A question on Fetlife:
Is your dominance shaped by a reaction against anything?
The answer to this is complicated. I think we all look back into our past for confirmation of ‘who we are’, so there is a lot of bias in that kind of hindsight.
Sexually I vividly remember rape play with barbie and ken dolls (my sister was horrified and never let me play with hers again), and finding a deliciously dirty non-con sex novel outside a church while riding my bike. Both made me tingle in that breathless way that doesn’t quite have a focus when you are so young. Both experiences were filled with shame because I got caught and it was clear that this was not what normal girls did. Both of those memories were M/f, so if I identified as a submissive now, I could easily use those isolated experiences to say how I’d been submissive for-ev-ah.
So revisionist history is an interesting and personal thing because we manipulate our memories to fit our view of ourselves.
Still, I’d say that kind of, yes: my dominance WAS shaped by a reaction against something.
I grew up as an attractive young women in a world where that meant that I had to put up with attention and demands from boys and men that I wasn’t interested in and wasn’t comfortable with. I was essentially an object when I walked around in the world.
How that manifested was in a pretty strong ‘let’s see how much of a bitch you will put up with then’ kind of attitude where I would ‘test’ my power against them. I probably started doing that in my teens. Truth is, boys would put up with pretty much anything I threw at them to be with me, which was both empowering and baffling to me.
And still, I felt sexually stifled in my young years. I felt intensely sexual, would masturbate ALL THE TIME, craved touch and intimacy and sensuality, but what I got from most boys was a bombardment of their desires hammering at me incessantly all the time from everywhere. Sex wasn’t a mutual exploration, it was a battlefield. When I wanted to spend hours kissing and touching and feeling intense pleasure and enjoying each other, they would be fighting me to get their fingers in my cunt, grabbing at my breasts, shoving their dick against my thigh as if I was a thing to be used and not a person they wanted to bring pleasure to. I hated it, I recoiled from it, I was perpetually frustrated.
Then I found a girlfriend with whom I shared my early sexuality in a way that was perfect for me, removed from all of that demandy expectation, genuine mutual pleasure that I could never seem to get from boys.
When I started dating men again, I was more mature and I knew better how to manage my own experiences (versus just being a bitch). Part of that was taking control of those experiences, and by extension, of those who wanted to share them with me.
I learnt that if I clearly expressed what I wanted and accepted no less, rather than being turned OFF, men would step up to meet my expectations, which was (frankly) amazing. And those who wouldn’t step up, I would easily discard. As a result, I started to have relationships with men who were absolute sweethearts, while my girlfriends had men who treated them like many callous young men treat young women.
So in all of that (and in hindsight), I would say that my dominance grew out of wanting to take back my own power in a society that was constructed in a way that denied me sexual agency, that prevented me from having the romantic, sensual, and sexual experiences that I wanted. I actively took that control back rather than fall into a role of passive acceptance. There were still MANY ways that I was stifled before I found out that D/s was ‘a thing’, but I’d say my roots were there.