Since finding myself single, I have worried a little about how this blog will influence the impression potential submissives have of me. It is not that this is not the ‘real me’, and in fact one of the loveliest compliments I received from my boy was ‘you are exactly how you come across in your writing’… I am gratified by that, a little relieved to know that I didn’t create this ‘persona’ for myself, happy to know that this is not misrepresenting me, glad that this is not a picture of how I *wish* I was, or how I *want to be*… this *points to the blog and over two years worth of posts* is me.
It is not *all of me*, and it is definitely not ‘Hello, let me introduce myself’ me…
This blog exposes me in a way that I do not share with real life friends or acquaintances, I reveal things here… thoughts, stories, feelings… that in real life I share only with the boy who is mine. In real life, only *he* gets to see this part of me and wow, does he ever have to work to get to it! My writing here exposes me as I am in an intimate relationship, you get as close to ‘me’ here as is possible without actually being in that relationship with me.
Why does it concern me, the impression this blog gives of me?
Because if I meet someone and he sees this part of me, he has intimate knowledge of me that is inappropriate for where we are, he knows me in a way that makes no sense… it is very *very* difficult to let go of what he has seen of me here and deal with the reserved and cautious person that I am when I am first exploring something new, when I am discovering him, when I am revealing myself at a slow and steady pace, when I am developing a sense of foundation, when I am figuring out who he is and what I want with him. This disconnect happens despite him knowing very well that this is a skewed view of me, he *knows* it, but knowing often isn’t enough. Somehow, he has to let go of *this* view of me to allow us to start at the beginning… and that’s tough. I am not sure yet how much of a barrier it will be, but I have some fears that it will be significant.
I have not yet had to seriously face this, but I already see it in some men that I talk with. They are smart, thoughtful, sensitive, lovely men… still, I see them shaking their heads, trying to figure it out, trying to reconcile the me that they are talking to with the me here in my blog. If I am lucky, they say it out loud, that they are struggling with it and we talk about it, and I try to help them let go of this view of me, this idea of me that is already in their heads…
“Hello, my name is Ferns, you don’t know me…”
Your post reveals the basic insecurities we all share. “What will they think of me if I …..” To me, women seem to have so many more option than men when it comes to dressing and lifestyles that we have more chance to be insecure. Yet insecure can be a good place to be. Those who are not insecure are those with nothing left to lose. These women are programmed into such a protected niche that nothing can break them out of it. The walls that enclose these women in their niche include age or lack of it, wealth or lack of it, illness, self-image, or lack of it, appearance of lack of it and, companions or lack of them.
Those who can transition or are worried about being forced out of their niche are insecure.
Don’t hide from your insecurity – embrace it. Look at the edge of your niche as the possibility of being on both sides of it. You can be BOTH a narrowly defined dominant woman or fully developed woman with personality, opinions, feelings and emotions, and an appearance to you and others than you can redefine every minute.
”Because if I meet someone and he sees this part of me, he has intimate knowledge of me that is inappropriate for where we are, he knows me in a way that makes no sense… “
This is very true. It is usually only after the more mundane introductory stuff (Hi, my name is … my favorite color is … and so forth) is out of the way that you have a foundation on which to reveal the “other” side of yourself.
While I don't think it is possible for someone to completely let go of the part of you that is shared here, it's impact can be greatly reduced. Your biggest ally here is time. The more you reveal the “rest” of you to potential submissives, the more your “blog persona” will fade to it's proper perspective. It is going to take patience and a cautious approach but it *CAN* be done.
”I see them shaking their heads, trying to figure it out, trying to reconcile the me that they are talking to with the me here in my blog.”
Think of it as being a kind of winnowing process. Those who cannot reconcile your different parts will fall by the wayside. It is going to take a *special* kind of person to be able to properly assemble the puzzle called ferns, but then I think that special is kinda what you're looking for.
Everyone comes to new relationships with preconceived notions of the person in front of them. I think you are right that your blog puts them into a more intimate mind set about you than you are yet with them but my hope for you Wonderful Ma'am is that you will accept that you may still find the boy of your dreams in one of the men who knows your blog. Good luck, I'm jealous of the men who will find their way into your heart.
You have become a public person, Ms Ferns. In some ways you have become like a ProDomme, with your readers as the clients. Clients sometimes attempt inappropriate intimacy; so may your readers. Many ProDommes never date clients; maybe you will not date readers.
On the other hand, classy boys will understand that they are only entitled to the intimacy you allow them, and will enjoy earning, one after another, access to the wonders you've described here.
Aberrant Goddess: “Your post reveals the basic insecurities we all share. “What will they think of me if I …..””
I think you misunderstood my point. I am not insecure about what I have revealed here, the issue is that it's inappropriate for someone who I have only just met to know all *this* about me. That leads to me having to essentially try to 'undo' that knowledge in order to start at the beginning with a clean slate and progress the relationship like a 'normal' one.
I wonder, in part, if you mean that I am insecure about 'living up to this'. I'm not, but I am aware that it can lead men to have expectations of 'what I am like', and I suspect that some will be sorely disappointed because hell no, they aren't getting *this* me without putting in the hard yards. That, however, is their problem and not mine.
Having said that, if they have the unrealistic expectation that I will be like *this* with them right out of the gate, it is a fine weeding tool because those men are fantasists looking for something less than 'all of me' and I come as a package (beautifully wrapped, with ribbons and bows and pretty paper and many many layers).
“You can be BOTH a narrowly defined dominant woman or fully developed woman with personality, opinions, feelings and emotions…”
I assume you mean 'and', not 'or' (I am not dichotomous that way, there is no 'Domme me' and 'other me'), then yes, I agree with you. What is revealed here is a slice of me – it is not a slice apart from me, it is a slice right out of the core, but still only a snippet.
slapshot: “This is very true. It is usually only after the more mundane introductory stuff…”
*laugh* Oh slapshot, you make it sound so easy!! They won't get to *this* me without months of relationship building and then only if I am serious about them.
“Your biggest ally here is time. The more you reveal the “rest” of you to potential submissives, the more your “blog persona” will fade to it's proper perspective.”
*grin* I agree, and one of my strategies is to be as boring as possible for quite a while… “I'm thinking about painting the kitchen… either an electric yellow or a muted neutral… or perhaps I should go with tiles… what do you know about glass tiles…etc…”
“Think of it as being a kind of winnowing process. Those who cannot reconcile your different parts will fall by the wayside. It is going to take a *special* kind of person to be able to properly assemble the puzzle called ferns, but then I think that special is kinda what you're looking for.”
Yes!! You are exactly right. It just seems to me that it creates more work than necessary, you know? And plus… it kind of ruins the delight of discovery when they already know these secret things about me.
I guess on the other hand, it resolves the 'are we D/s compatible?' question up-front. If they can relate to what I have posted here, chances are that compatibility will not be a problem.
Secretive Slave: “Everyone comes to new relationships with preconceived notions of the person in front of them.”
That's true, it's just that preconceived notions are generally not laid out in black and white in excruciating detail…
“…my hope for you Wonderful Ma'am is that you will accept that you may still find the boy of your dreams in one of the men who knows your blog.”
Thank you *smile*
I think part of this is that I have met all of my submissives online, I am 'Ferns' everywhere, I have linked to my blog from other sites… So even if a potential was not a reader already, I would *expect* him to come here and read at least some of this if he is interested in getting to know me. That is, I am exacerbating this problem myself.
I could, of course, remove the links from other sites, but I am a slut for readers, I *love* that people read and enjoy my writing, I *adore* comments and the interaction I have with you all… cutting the links out of other sites would reduce my blog's visibility and would reduce my enjoyment of it.
So, in essence, I am not actively taking steps that I *could* take to perhaps make this issue less likely…
“Good luck, I'm jealous of the men who will find their way into your heart.”
*smile* Thank you again… that's very sweet… I will settle for one man, though…
Étienne: “You have become a public person, Ms Ferns.
“In some ways you have become like a ProDomme, with your readers as the clients.”
Well, if that's the case… *waits for the tributes to come pouring in…*
“…maybe you will not date readers.”
*points to the issue I talked about above* I contribute to the problem.
“On the other hand, classy boys will understand that they are only entitled to the intimacy you allow them…”
I don't think understanding is the problem… the ones that I like will and do understand (if they didn't, I would not be talking to them), but you can't unknow what you know.
I wonder also if it is exclusionary… if some lovely boy who might otherwise be interested in me would be intimidated by what they read here… that is a whole other discussion, but perhaps a relevant one in terms of 'influence of this blog on my love life'… heh.
We'd be writing the blog (which is heavily illustrated with play photos) for a while before joining the local scene. After a few events, aware he'd been getting some very weird looks from strangers across the room, my husband asked a new friend “why are people looking at me like that?”. The reply was “well, they feel like they know you a bit from your blog. But it's hard to recognize you … they are probably trying to relate your face to all those close up CBT photos!”
Mistress160: “The reply was “well, they feel like they know you a bit from your blog. But it's hard to recognize you … they are probably trying to relate your face to all those close up CBT photos!””
Oh! *laugh* That's hilarious… “Hello, how are you? *DON'T think about his cock and balls covered in wax and clothes pegs… DON'T think about…*“
Just be you and let them accept that for what it is, we all wear masks………admittedly mines usually a clown one heh……. This is just a typewritten mask which reveals part of the other mask beneath it beneath which there may or may not be the real you.
Those of us who know you through whichever medium we use know what we do from you. It will be the same for your next boy.
He will have the usual notions we all have when we meet a stranger or somebody we know from chat/blog/work etc etc.
If he is what you want and you are what he wants then you can peel off the layers at a pace to suit you both.
– hugs –
Coug: “Those of us who know you through whichever medium we use know what we do from you. It will be the same for your next boy.”
Thanks for that *smile*
Perhaps I am imagining a barrier that is bigger in my mind than it will be in reality. To me, it is the 'unknowing of intimacy' that is potentially difficult… the 'oh for fucks' sake, stop thinking of me as this blog person!!' thing.
I guess I will just have to wait and see.
It is true that your blog reveals much in your relationship especially with your boy. For many,it was essential reading into how an intimate BSDM lifestyle relationship works and the joy you derive from it. It is wonderful. Saying that it also was explicit and frank. There was no doubt as to the level of intensity and the expectation of submission by your boy. I am hoping for you that this strikes a cord in someone living close by and that you can again have the relationship you crave.If that person is into the level of submission that you expect, easing into would seem to me a natural thing and he would let you lead the evolution of the relationship. Ferns, my heart is rooting for you to find what you are after.
“the reserved and cautious person that I am when I am first exploring something new”
Reserved and cautious? Maybe we're more alike after all…
robert: “Ferns, my heart is rooting for you to find what you are after.”
*smile* Thank you for your kind thoughts, robert.
Ferns you're aces go get 'em Killa
Brids: “Reserved and cautious? Maybe we're more alike after all…”
Nearly exactly alike, except for all the things that are not alike at all…
Coug: “Ferns you're aces go get 'em Killa”
*laugh* Thanks Coug! “Killa”… I love that!
*runs off to go get 'em…*
I know I've pushed this point before, but I'll push it again . . .
It's assumed that psychological health is all about a blending, a homogenisation, of the mind. Psychological ill-health is about parts of our minds that are compartmentalised. Or, to put it another way, 'one person can only be one person – all else is nonsense, unreasonable, mad'.
I don't agree. I am many persons; I assume others to be, as well. For what it's worth, when I read your blog, I see Ferns as she types at a keyboard, telling us about another part of herself. I always see a minimum of two people.
All the foregoing might seem bland stuff, I know. Yet I think the principles involved are in need of looking at afresh, right now, because they are *first principles*. The need comes because we're exposed to burgeoning demands somehow to hold the parts of ourselves together. For instance, I can go to a BDSM website and feel myself diving enthusiastically into a world of sexual fantasy. I can forget, as many seem to do, that not all the parts of me can 'live' in that world. Or I can immerse myself in my work so much that I can forget that work will never satisfy all the parts of myself. I see growing numbers of both workaholics and fantasists, these days . . . .
But the standard answer – to try to blend all of these parts of ourselves together, and demand the same from others – isn't up to the job anymore. We need a better way of looking after our heads and hearts than that.
Sir Puppington Lothian.
“one of the loveliest compliments I received from my boy was ‘you are exactly how you come across in your writing’”
That is a wonderful compliment but it is from someone who had time and experience with you to really get to know you.
“It is not *all of me*, and it is definitely not ‘Hello, let me introduce myself’ me… ”
This is what I meant on my other response to your post about your blog cock blocking you. If they assume that is all of you or that your blog is exactly how you are then they have a hard time distinguishing reality with fantasy and that is their problem not yours.
These people are failing to see that Ferns is only a part of you, not who you are and that is their failure in digging deeper not yours. I am like Puppington above in their comment I assume that a person has many different layers to who they are and it is my job to delve into those layers.
If a person fails to delve into all the layers who that person is then they are simply taking what they want in a partner and trying to force it onto your Ferns instead.