History revisited

Last year I received this email out of the blue.

I hope that you might by chance remember me… We met online some years ago, 90’s. Your tag was SweetAs… I asked you what you were Sweet as and your reply was chocolate ice cream melting on a summer day. My name is [redacted]. You and I enjoyed a lot of correspondence. Your first website had pixel that could be clicked on to see the hidden pages. I have searched your name a number of times and was lucky enough to find what you had on amazon.

You changed my life. I wanted to connect with you. If you don’t remember I will understand.

*smile* Of course I remembered him.

His nick was ‘colorado’, not because he was in Colorado. He wasn’t, though he was in the US.

He was my first exploration into BDSM some 20+ years ago. Online only. In the days when there was no skype, no digital cameras, no web cams. The days when international phone calls were exorbitantly expensive and long haul flights were unthinkable.

We met on IRC, were involved online-only for maybe a year.

He was my first submissive, before I ever made it out into the physical BDSM world: He was the one I explored with, the one I found my feet with, the one I initially felt my way with.

He was smart, eager, funny, cheeky, incredibly sweet. The thought of how we were makes me smile still.

I learnt lessons with him, about myself, about BDSM, about the incredible hotness of having someone who would do as I say, about how D/s builds intimacy, about how power works. I got so very lucky with him.

The most valuable lesson I learnt was to be kinder. I was newly exploring and testing my power back then (my recollection of myself was almost a stereotype), and while I didn’t feel as if I was particularly harsh, at one stage he disappeared from me. I was devastated (I suspect he thought I didn’t/wouldn’t care). When he reappeared, he said he left because he never felt as if he had pleased me or made me happy and that was very difficult for him. I hadn’t even realised. I was glad to learn that lesson so early on.

Well, I thought I learnt that lesson, but apparently I had to learn it multiple times before it sank in: I heard the same thing from my First after the fact. Apparently I am a slow learner.

It was a shock and a delight to hear from him.

I search on your name at least once a year. You have never left my thoughts… It was just a deep desire to reconnect and thank you for a gift I don’t think that you knew that you provided me. You were the first and actually most sincere woman I ever submitted to. Even if it was virtually.

I stepped out into the real world towards the end of our relationship, he was a significant contributor to my desire and confidence to do that. But once you add physical touch into the mix, online interactions lose their lustre. As they should I suppose. And soon after, we lost touch.

Of all the things, he wanted to know if it was real.

The most complete I had ever felt. So powerful and it was just via text… In finding you again it strikes me that there was a piece of me given away to you and in some way I needed to connect to know it was real. I am happy to know it was and I am happy to know that I offered you something you enjoyed and it was memorable.

*smile* Yes, it was real. Valuable, powerful.

And thank you for giving me that.

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Happy Femdom Story: Melusine

I received a lovely email and a link to a happy femdom story in my inbox recently. I am always so delighted to get stories about happy F/m relationships and am thrilled that Melusine is allowing me to share it with you.

Melusine wrote:

First I would like to say your blog has been invaluable to me, as I am exploring the wonderful life of becoming a 24/7 domme with my husband of ten years. It is perhaps a somewhat unique story, and thought you might enjoy it as a “happy femdom story”. I have published it here in a blog I began in order to record my experiences.

Thank you for your writings, they have helped me immensely.

I enjoyed this wonderful story so very much and I’m sure my readers will also: Thank you for sharing it *happy sigh*.

Enjoy.

Author: Melusine Waters

True Nature Revealed: Domme Self Discovery

It was probably around four in the morning when the phone had been silent for a few minutes. I heard an almost inaudible answer when I asked if the boy on the other end of the line was still awake. He was hundreds of miles away. Sleep was something neither of us needed as much as we needed each other. I needed his devotion to me, to know he was waiting by his phone until I called, to know he went to incredible lengths just to contact me. I needed this odd feeling, something I had no words for. His timid shyness awoke a predatory urge in me, he was mine as a rabbit is a tiger’s prey. I had him entirely in my hands. And yet… I didn’t.

We were very young, I was about 18 and he was 15, and our relationship was quite platonic (as far as he knew). He lived across the country and we wrote letters for nearly a year before I caught him in my web, then we talked by telephone every day. For years we called one another, staying up for hours on the phone, and as time passed we both started to grow into young adults. He began to make friends, then he had a girlfriend, and I started to have boyfriends of my own, but our friendship and long conversations by telephone never ceased. While his world began to open in front of him and his experiences and relationships grew, I felt helplessly and deeply that I wanted him all to myself. I wanted to create our own secret place where I could keep him hidden from the world, to exist only for myself and for my pleasure.

I concealed these feelings for a very long time. These thoughts were “controlling” and “crazy”, “unhealthy”. Meanwhile I began engaging in destructive and meaningless relationships. I had no idea what a “domme” was, and I certainly couldn’t understand that these impulses inside of me, my instincts towards my boy, were manifestations of our suppressed dynamic. I lived my adolescent life without this awareness and suffered years of profound torment, confusion and chaos. Now after more than a decade since this boy and I met, entirely by accident, we have discovered our true nature.

The day when I finally told my boy that I loved him I knew very little of how he felt toward me. We were both in long term relationships when I told him and then suddenly, with only a few words, the world as it had existed began to shift. Separated by mountains, plains, rivers and countless miles, our spirits, awakened by my affirmation, summoned our union. No long roads could possibly separate us, no force of man or nature or time would bar our path.

The old realms of our existence quickly began to dissolve and within months.. we were finally united. He was barely eighteen then. “I want you here.” I said and he obeyed. Our relationship was still platonic but when he arrived we began exploring our desires for each other. His unique reaction to my touch and to my voice, the look in his eyes, the surrender of his control, I would find nearly a decade later, was the other half of our unknown nature.

I procured our apartment, furnished it, and waited until he arrived. I imagined my dreams of him, my boy pet, in my apartment and hidden from the world. He was (and still is) an amazingly beautiful creature. It began to feel like I had captured a myth, and I wanted him to belong to me. Religion, a male dominated society and popular culture, however, had corrupted my instincts. Truthfully, I was poisoned. What kind of person could feel this way? What demon inside me would desire this? My very traditional religious upbringing forced me to concede to guilt and self doubt.

The strength of our bond endured despite this unnatural suppression but for ten years its effects had consequences for both of us. We were happy, but something wasn’t right. I tried desperately to fit the traditional role of the good submissive wife and my boy also tried to be the typical dominant male. We both suffered. We lived that way until only a few months ago, on New Year’s eve.

We were lying in bed talking, waiting for the clock to strike midnight when the conversation turned and he began to act very self conscious. After much prodding, he admitted very shyly that he would like me to “tell him what to do”. Suddenly my mind and heart were racing.

“Like… all the time?” I asked instinctively, my heart beating faster.

“…yes,” he replied softly, reluctant with his face buried in my shoulder.

We explored this idea for hours, well into the morning. We didn’t have words or names for it. He told me about a program he had heard on the radio that had passingly mentioned a kind of relationship where one person has complete control over the other, all the time. They were called “Dominant” and “Submissive”. It seems almost impossible that we had no language for this until now. These two words had extraordinary power and suddenly, for the second time in our lives together, a few simple words have triggered an immense transformation. The world as it had existed has again started to shift. This grand metamorphoses as it unfolds has slowly started to reveal our true forms and I realize now that even when we were very young, this primal magnetism had drawn us together against great odds and distances. Now we are finally free to explore each other fully. How strange and empowering, to have this beautiful, altered state of mind called subspace, described in detail, something he had experienced his whole life, yet something he couldn’t understand or name! How strange and empowering to have my boy fully surrender to me, after this long improbable adventure of ours and finally kneel at my feet like the pet I always envisioned him to be.

Again, the old realms of our existence are fading. I am finally confident that I can become the dominant woman of my fate and vision. We are taking it slowly. The curiosity and the exploration is electric with the life and desires that were hidden within us and we can now finally fulfil our roles that we were destined to experience together. We can finally be who we are, who we have always been, together.

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This post is part of an ongoing project to share happy, positive femdom relationship stories. If you have a story that you are willing to share, I’d love to host it here. Please check out my call out post for details and send it on to me.

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e[lust] #94

Welcome to Elust 94

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #95 Start with the rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Always Coming Second

Balance

THREESOME – the card game

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

The #500words Project ~ 2

#Pussy Pride

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

No Eligible Posts

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

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Reader Q&A: Desire to please, LDRs, expectations [audio]

Creative Commons BY-NC-ND 3.0 markMusic: Bensound

This long overdue Q&A (aren’t they always?!) includes the following:

  • Desire to please vs hard limits, what to do?
  • Is there an outfit that says ‘Domme’?
  • How do I help a new sub who is struggling?
  • “She wanted a hands-free orgasm, so she tied him to the bed and used his mouth.”
  • LDRs and ‘how to’
  • I made someone fail their exams, maybe, I don’t know… :P
  • How do I get what I want after a change from ‘D/s relationship potential’ to ‘lovers’
  • What’s your favourite thing about tying up boys?
  • How to deal with a request from my Domme when I’m struggling?
  • And more!

Huge thanks to My Fabulous Man Who Knows Everything for transcribing the audio for me. He’s an absolute gem.

Regular listeners will be really excited probably be ambivalent about a new piece of intro music… oooh, fancy! I’d have squeed about it in the podcast, but I added it after the fact, so no Ferns-squeeing to be had there. Probably just as well.

I’m aiming to create a Pavlovian response to that little snippet if I keep using it :P.

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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Q&A: Historical (pre-2013)

The pre-2013 Q&A below was previously and awkwardly placed on the ‘Ask Me’ page.

I put them there in the days when I thought I wouldn’t get many questions, so I didn’t think it was worth creating separate posts for them.

Then the page just got longer and longer, until… well, it just got stupidly and endlessly long. Like over 13,000+ words long. Apparently it takes me 13,000+ words to figure out that maybe I’m going to get enough questions to create separate posts for them. I’m a slow learner.

So, a trip down memory lane follows. If I said anything stupid, I blame past-me: She was a bit of a know-nothing show off…

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Want to ask me something in the here and now, though? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it. It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Q&A from before September 2013 after the jump.
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Performance

Sometimes I feel like my entire life is a performance for some unknown audience outside of myself.

I had a good cry this morning. Like you do when shit happens.

I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and wondered who it was for.

If I write about it here, was it for you, dear readers?

Some angsty vulnerable moment that I subconsciously know I will share later? Some act that I am performing for the purpose of putting it into some public script after the fact?

If I don’t write about it, or tell anyone, and nobody sees, does it mean anything?

If a tree falls in the forest and etc.

Sometimes it feels like it is ALL performance. All of it. My relationships, my career, my emotions, my entire life, everything.

None of it feels real, none of it matters, they are all just different acts in which I sing pitch-perfect songs in carefully choreographed dances that demonstrate how human I am.

I’m good at it. Successful in most realms, playing the various parts to such perfection that I excel at most of the plays I put on. I’m an accomplished student, a caring daughter, a supportive sister, a successful worker, a kind friend, a loving partner, an impressive dominant, a clever and carefully curated actor of my own creation.

Audience applauds, presents me with a bunch of roses, I smile and humbly accept them.

I take a bow, and move off to another stage, put on a different costume and perform again.

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Dating Schmating

I haven’t written about this: I might still, at some stage. But sometimes the whys and wherefores of difficult things are better left to sit quietly unspoken until there is no power left in them.

Suffice it to say that I took a hit and feel like I am now gathering up my various resources, hoarding them until they are back at full strength.

I took a tentative step out and reactivated my vanilla dating profile, put up some new pictures. It was a litany of fail: Ridiculous one-liners, incredibly dull profiles, terrible off-putting photos. I swear there is some factory somewhere where they churn out these shadow-men in endless numbers. After a while they all just seem like the same one dimensional cut-out with slightly different shapes.

To be fair, I did get two interesting emails: both from men in the US… bah! One smart and funny submissive type who turned off his location filter to find me (silly boy, who wants to see glimpses of the untouchable?) and one vanilla type who had a stunningly fascinating profile and who had not given two seconds of consideration to the actual consequences of distance.

I deactivated the profile about a week later. I didn’t have the appetite for it. My resources are still too depleted.

On the upside, I have been talking to the sweet boy with whom I had a service date last year. We have been in touch on and off since then. He has also struck some experiences recently that have left him feeling a little raw.

I invited him to visit for another service date: He will wash my car, kneel before me, serve me champagne, massage my hands and feet, colour my nails, and we will talk about things that don’t matter much.

It will be simple and sweet and uncomplicated. A small reminder of who we are when we are not being buffeted by the world.

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