Summer wedges

Twitter followers already know that I bought two new pairs of shoes yesterday… huzzah!!!

This is the first… a pair of summer sandals, kind of butch with the plain bold straps and ‘fuck you’ buckle, they are a soft black leather with a dark brown wedge heel to femme it up…

Today I wore them out to a late lunch with my vanilla ex who I forced into admiring them and saying how pretty they are… “forced shoe appreciation”… that’s a kink, right?

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Shameless self promotion

I am rubbish at doing my own self promotion, even when I am given a prime opportunity!!

Look look!!! Waaayyy back in October I was on a “Top Sex Bloggers of 2010” list…

This is the list that I forced coerced nagged encouraged you to pimp my blog for in a childish display of petulance and foot stomping, then I didn’t even gloat and show off when I made the list!!

So, a belated thank you to those who nominated me (and also some gloating and unappealing showing off)!!

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An invitation

If I was to invite you, I would be gentle and you would be scared, despite so many, however many years of experience with women, and it would be strange to be scared, and that would scare you, and you would be talking to yourself in your head and telling yourself that it was ridiculous to be scared, of what? It made no sense, none, and still… you would be scared. I would like it that you were scared, and would not give you comfort. I would have you stand with your hands behind your head and look you over, walk around you, touching gently, maybe speaking quietly to you about what I am touching, the sleeve of your shirt, your hair, your belt, your cheek. You would find it odd and awkward and maybe a little silly, but you would stand there quietly anyway, letting me look and touch and comment. And maybe you would be prompted to say something into the void to reach out to me, it would slip into the room, fail to seek purchase, drifting awkwardly away when I ignore your words, and slip my fingers under your shirt to touch the skin of your stomach lightly, and maybe you would suck in your breath and close your eyes, and I would tell you to look at me, boy, and you would and I would watch your face while I touched your skin gently and you would watch me watching as I circle you and trail my fingertips over you. A touch, an exploration, a claiming.

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Car crash

I have, in the last 7 months, formed a close and very sweet and affectionate bond with a submissive remote from me.

I joined Second Life to explore what it was about. I had time on my hands, I was emotionally wrung out, I was curious, I was skeptical.

I talked to a lot of people there, it is like a series of chat rooms, with pictures… I didn’t ‘get’ SL D/s, but I was curious enough to see if I could make something of it.

With full disclosure that I was using him as an experiment, that there was nowhere for it to go, that I hadn’t a clue what I was doing, that it would head, inevitably, towards a car crash of an ending, I brought a lovely, thoughtful, sensitive boy in close to see what we could make of it.

His name is Angus.

He got a pretty piss poor deal with me as an ‘SL Domme’… I was not really able to make much of SL D/s… I moved him pretty quickly out of SL to IM, to email, to phone which gave me more of him, but didn’t change the fact that it was what it was… limited by the medium and with nowhere to go. I did not do cyber sex, I did not do SL BDSM play… I discovered that I don’t have the kind of immersion capability that you need for that to work. For all that most SL D/s relationships are built around remote wanking, he pretty much got ripped off. Regardless, we built something meaningful… sweet and lovely.

He got as much of me as I could offer over the many months that we talked daily, and he gave me as much control as I wanted to take, with a beautiful trust and an open heart. We had little rituals and structure, we spent hours chatting every day about anything that came up, we supported each other through some difficult things, he had rules to follow, I had expectations of his behaviour and he complied, we sent each other sweet gifts, we built something real and worthwhile with a subtle, gentle but strong and very affectionate D/s flavour.

And now, with me in the driver’s seat and him sitting patiently and trustingly beside me, I aimed the car at a tree, deliberately hit the accelerator and I crashed it… the car flipping over and over, flames, explosions, screaming and the smell of burning hair. It was inevitable, we both knew that, because there is nowhere for this thing to go, but it still hurts like a bitch.

As I look at the wreck of the ruined car, plucking broken glass out of my hair, a little shaky and off balance, I see him sitting there in the passenger seat, kind of broken and blank and unmoving. I move towards him and he shakes his head, doesn’t look at me.

I nod and leave a little note on the smashed up windshield, stupid, pointless, but I leave it anyway. It says sweet things, “I adore you”, “I am sorry”… words and some more words. I hope, in the end, he will think it was worth it.

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More on the InterestingMan WhoMightNeedaCuteNick IfThisGoesAnywhere

About the InterestingManWhoMightNeedaCuteNickIfThisGoesAnywhere *…

A few weeks ago, I received an email on CM from a local switch whose profile included the fact that he “leans towards the dominant side”. Despite it clearly being a form letter that may as well have been addressed to “Dear Recipient”, it had a line in it that made me laugh, and I was curious enough to respond with more than just a ‘no thanks’. I asked him why a switch with primarily dominant tendencies would be contacting a dominant woman, and suggested that perhaps he would be better off with a submissive who could service top (see how very helpful I am?). He responded with intelligence and some self examination about his motives.

We are still emailing.

I asked him to stop reading this blog so that I would have a little freedom to share, just in case it turned into something I wanted to write about. I assume he has complied (if you are reading this, you *must* know that I will be able to tell, right? The magic of internet stats and smarts will do you in!).

So, what have I learned so far? He is a newbie, a hopeless romantic, realistic in his expectations, practical, a successful professional, a father. He gets joy from pleasing his partner, identifies as a strong personality, has been told he is ‘not really submissive’, is big on being treated with respect, on being acknowledged and valued. He is 10 years younger than me. He says many of the right things, he is letting me lead the pace, he is rather ‘normal’, and very appealing on paper.

He stepped over a little threshold with me today and that is what prompted this post. He wants to exchange photos and he wants to move to IM, reasonable requests that I have refused. In my last, I responded with a full explanation of my reasons and a closing note:

When it’s right for me, I will move it along and exchange photos. I have heard you and understand that it’s important to you, I will keep it in mind.

It is this kind of thing that acts as the first glimpse of how he will accept a decision that I have made that he disagrees with. His response was, frankly, rather perfect:

Thank you for taking the time to consider my views and requests (very nicely handled thank you). I am very happy to continue communicating this way… and I must say that you [handled my request] with grace and care, so Thank you.

When my submissive disagrees with me over something, that is exactly what I expect. He states his opinion, I explain my choice, he accepts it with grace, we move on. *ticks another box*

Is this a possible ‘something’? I honestly don’t know yet. I am interested enough to continue, which is huge, however I am also very aware that I can normally *feel it* (you know… ‘it’… IT…) pretty much immediately, the zing-zing, the click, that low level thrum of excitement, that natural joy in bouncing off each other without effort and I am not feeling it with him. I am taking my time to give him a chance to get inside my head to give it the best possible opportunity to be something…

To be continued…

* If there’s another post about this boy, I am obviously going to have to come up with a cute nick… or perhaps I will just use the acronym IMWMNaCNITGA…

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My sent emails XIV

Yeah, I know my pictures are teh hot and sexy.

Oh wait.

I don’t have any.

How very puzzling.

I am sure you couldn’t possibly be such an idiot that you send random bulk messages out to anyone who identifies as female and dominant. That would mean you were a wanker looking for someone to tell you how to wank.

Ok, here you go, I will help you out.

Get on your cam, open it up to the world at large and wank until your cock bleeds. Oh what fun!

Ferns

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What does a submissive bring to the party?

When I play, my submissive doesn’t get to just be the passive recipient of my attention. For me there is a feedback loop between my submissive and me that either works or doesn’t. It can’t be faked, it is part of D/s ‘chemistry’ for me, maybe others call it connection or intimacy or some such, but for me it is a combination of indefinable things. He feeds me with his honest and open reactions (lust, fear, pain, hurt, desire, embarrassment…), he reaches in and gives of himself, and I take it greedily and transform it into something else and point that energy back at him with full force, and so it goes.

I can play with two people in the same way and the actions and reactions may *look* pretty much the same if someone were watching, but with one it may ‘work’ for me, with the other it may not. Authentic vulnerability, a willingness to ‘go there’ with me, an openness that I can ‘see’, a desire I can feel, a direct acknowledgement of me (vs acknowledgment of sensation), all that and more is what makes a play partner ‘good’ for me.

I recall talking to a submissive once who said of play, “Easy for me, I just have to show up and do what I’m told”, and my reaction was “Yeah, good luck with that!”. The lack of understanding of what he had to offer to a dominant would likely make playing with him a rather dull and unrewarding experience for me.

I think that the types of submissives I like have a kind of innate ability to bring that to me. I say ‘innate’ because it is not necessarily about about ‘experience as a submissive’. I know from blessed experience that complete newbies are absolutely capable of bringing me what I need, on a silver platter, with fresh succulent strawberries, extra heavy rich cream, lightly dusted sugar, and sweet, fat, juicy, irresistable cherries on top. *Mmmmmmmmmmmm…*

What was I talking about again?

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