All ‘femdom relationships’ category posts

posted by on bambi, femdom relationships

Soon after we started speaking, bambi and I talked about fitness. He told me that he was carrying too much weight and was trying to lose it. I told him that if he was mine, I would make him lose the weight (and no, I don’t care one bit how ‘politically incorrect’ that is). A day after we had that discussion, he went and got a gym membership and ramped up his efforts. I enjoyed that reaction a lot.

He sweetly wants to be at his best when we meet. And I *want* him at his best.

A week or so ago, I intervened to monitor his diet and exercise: to step it up before he gets here. He really *wants* to do it, but was a bit hit and miss with it, and I wanted to push him for these last few weeks. So now he reports to me daily so that I can see what he has eaten and what exercise he has done. The objective is to make him more mindful of what he is doing, and I am helping him to make better choices. He is one of those men who has never tried to manage his diet, so his poor habits are ingrained. It will take a bit of time for him to think differently about food. And beer. If it was easy, there wouldn’t be a billion dollar industry built around it.

Yesterday I had him do a ‘perfect day’ for me because I was a little frustrated that every day’s report contained soda or cookies or some other thing that was just empty calories. It was really tough for him and boy was he a cranky little bitch (*my* cranky little bitch!).

Just quietly, it was quite enjoyable to watch him suffer in a way, even though it wasn’t a cute ‘awww, this sucks’ suffering, but a gritted teeth ‘I can’t talk about that other thing right now because I am just too fucking cranky!’ sort of suffering.

It was really difficult for him, but he did it: a perfect day! Good boy.

Today he produced some graph porn to illustrate his progress. It made me laugh.

bambi's diet chart Feb

It shows his diet quality over time (obviously) with significant milestones (me!!). The vertical ‘Delivery’ line is when he will be delivered to me. The first little peak is his ‘perfect day’ during which he learnt quite a few things that helped him improve. We are currently just after the first peak… the rest is success projection *smile*.

D/s and torture and beautifying and graph porn. I’d call that a pretty darn good combination.

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posted by on advice, advice for Dommes, advice for male subs, femdom relationships, top pick

I talked in my Masocast interview with the lovely UnspeakableAxe about compromising away happiness, and I’ve had a few private conversations about it since then, so I thought it was worth expanding on.

A lot of people seem to start relationships with “Oh, that’s okay, it’s not that important to me” and end up with “What the holy fuck happened here?”

There is always compromise in relationships, but there is a world of difference between small ‘c’ compromise and capital ‘C’ Compromise.

Small ‘c’ compromise is about each side making concessions so that you can both be happy: talking about what is important to each of you, and seeing how you can work together to make it fit. Maybe she likes to use the term ‘boy’, but it has negative connotations for him, so she agrees to use ‘pet’ instead. She still gets to use a sweet name, he doesn’t have to deal with one that makes him feel bad. Easy. You each give a little, with the result being that you are both happy.

Big ‘C’ Compromise is about giving away things that are fundamental to your happiness. It shouldn’t even really be called ‘compromise’ because it’s really not**, but I’m going to use the term anyway because the line between compromise and Compromise is blurry. An example of capital C Compromise might be when she is poly and he is monogamous and she decides to be monogamous for him.

I know that’s an extreme example, I mean who doesn’t discuss that stuff up-front and decide you aren’t compatible??!!

In actual fact, what is MUCH more likely to happen is that there are big items that they never fully discuss, or there are hidden things that haven’t come to light yet, but then they get emotionally invested in the relationship and by the time it becomes a practical issue, one person is willing to Compromise. Or alternatively, there are a series of smaller compromises, one after the other, and one person does all the compromising, until suddenly they find that they have Compromised away the things that made them happy.

Insidiously, often Compromise is not properly discussed. Sometimes it’s one partner simply saying that they don’t like a thing, and the other partner waving the white flag without even really talking about it. “That’s okay, sweetie, I didn’t realise you don’t like oral, I don’t need it really, even though that’s the only way I can come…”

This kind of compromising away of happiness is not unique to D/s relationships, nor is it unique to either side of the slash.

But surprisingly, you know who I talk to about this the most? New female dominants.

Why?

Because they are told over and over to consider their submissive’s wants and needs, to not be ‘that bad uncaring dominant’. Couple that with a few decades of social conditioning to be nice and undemanding, and you have women who try to be ‘good dominants’/’good people’/’good girlfriends’ by compromising on *everything*.

“Oh, you don’t want to get my coffee in the morning? Okay then, it’s fine.”

“Really? You don’t really like pain play? Oh. Okay, it’s not that important…”

“You don’t feel like giving me a massage right now? Oh, not ever? Um. Alright then, I mean, if it makes you unhappy…”

“You want me to pee on you? Well, I really don’t find that at all hot or fun… um… well, okay then…”

“You want to bring in other partners? Um… well if that’s what you really want…”

There is a point at which compromising is no longer a good option, and that point is *when it makes you unhappy*. Where that point lies is different for everyone, but the intent of this post is to shout this:

Do not compromise away your happiness!!

Unsurprisingly, if you compromise away your happiness, you will not be happy. Seems a simple concept, I know, but somehow we are taught that all compromise is good and healthy. It’s not.

What I see most is that compromise happens progressively, and as the investment in the relationship grows, the willingness to Compromise grows also, and at some point, insidiously and without conscious intent, keeping the relationship can become *more important than being happy*. For some people ‘being in the relationship’ trumps everything.

At the end of it, someone can find themselves in a relationship with the person that they love, and it looks *nothing* like they wanted, and they are terribly unhappy. And THEN they look at their unhappy relationship and wonder, “What the fuck happened here?”

From a F/m perspective, this can often lead to a situation where a Domme realises that her submissive is *only* ever doing exactly what he wants because she has stopped insisting on anything that he simply didn’t feel like doing. Even if it’s something that is really important to her. It’s possible to pretty much compromise away your dominance, and with it, your happiness.

How do you know where that line is anyway?

Well, it’s different for everyone, of course, and it’s often not easy to see where it is until you are *well* over it.

I’ve found that a really telling phrase is, “… but I *love* him…” I think if you are saying that to yourself, you are fucked because people only say that when they are rationalising unacceptable things with the ‘but I love him’ defence. If you’re in a relationship, and you find yourself saying that, consider if you are trying to talk yourself into some kind of unhappiness.

We all have different levels of willingness or ability to compromise while still being happy. Mine is low. Whenever I have tried to compromise too much, it made me unhappy. I know this about myself. I won’t do it. I think this is another of the myriad of reasons I like submissive men, because often compromising scratches their submissive itch. But make no mistake, if you are a submissive man, and you are compromising away your happiness, read this post again and have a think about where that line is for you and if you have crossed it.

** I know it’s not really compromise when only one person is making concessions, but I’m still calling it that because I think in a lot of people’s minds, they *still* see it as ‘compromising for the relationship’ vs true compromise which is about *both* sides making concessions.

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Hunger games

Jan
2013
22

posted by on femdom relationships, musing

I speak often about the hunger that drives my dominance. Really, when I am in it, that’s all I write about, in different ways, with different contexts: I am essentially just saying the same thing over and over.

I have a passionate crazy hunger that I ache to let loose, that I look to escalate and satiate, a feeling that makes me want to strip the very skin off my boy’s bones so I can shove myself inside him.

When I’m single, and it’s dormant, though, I wonder if it ever existed at all. I remember it, of course, but it seems out of reach, and I worry that I’ve lost it, used it all up somehow, that maybe, just maybe, there is none left.

I often wish that I could raise that feeling in myself, tap into it, just to test it out, experience it rising in my chest, making everything quicksilver and lightning. To remind myself. But that happens rarely, that the feeling of it comes unprompted, undirected. There was one time when I went trawling CollarMe for someone to let loose on, but even that desire was triggered by a boy who was too far away to get my grasping, greedy hands on.

It is frustrating when I talk to some fabulous, smart, funny, interesting man, and I try to find that spark: I dig around for it, *willing* it to be there, because I really like him and I want him to bring it, but if it just isn’t happening, there is fuck-all I can do about it. When I have to finally admit that it isn’t there, I have a little knot of unfair blame that sits in my chest because he didn’t, or couldn’t, inspire those feelings in me even though I know full well that it’s not his fault.

For me domination is not the default, it’s the exception.

I’m always looking for the exception.

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posted by on femdom relationships, happy femdom

I have been a fan of Najakcharmer’s posts and writings for a long time, and her fabulous long term poly relationship with her two men has been a thread throughout. This is a story about a happy, healthy, wonderful poly relationship full of love and primal passion. It’s long, but totally worth it…

Author: Najakcharmer

“Eventually the whip arm gets weary, and you find yourself in the same room with an adult human being who has a mind and a personality and a voice. Should he not also be good company and compatible as well as a good submissive, this presents problems in any relationship lasting longer than a kinky play session. So, let us see if we can make friends first.”

I’ve always insisted on making friends first.  Anything else just doesn’t work for me.  If a ‘submissive’ guy approaches me like I was a thing to be used, a game to be played, a prize to be won, an alien creature from another planet, or otherwise not a real human being just like him, I’m done right there.  If he uses the term ‘friend zone’ seriously, it’s over before it has the chance to start.  It tells me he doesn’t think of women as friends, or really as people at all.  And I can’t relate to anyone from the other side of a gender gap.  I’m not a very gendered creature to begin with.

My Pirate and I met at FAD, the local femdom group.   We immediately had a lot in common, particularly the fact that we were both genderqueer and strongly animal identified, more primal and feral in our approach to D/s and to life in general.  We became friends with a spark of sexual chemistry and fairly regular play at the FAD parties, but no demands that the relationship do anything but grow organically.  Over time it did, evolving into a many-layered thing that encompassed genuine liking and friendship as well as intense primal play, sexual desire, romance and a deep emotional connection.  I was deeply appreciative that he was pansexual and willing to relate to me as male and female or both or neither.  It worked out well for us.

There were times I looked at him and couldn’t hold another thought in mind except that he was beautiful.  I remember holding a bar of chocolate we were sharing, making the mistake of looking at him and just being frozen like that, staring.  I dropped the sticky melty chocolate on the bed and wasn’t even aware of it, just looking at him like nothing else existed.  I don’t even think I even remembered how to breathe.  We laughed about it later.  He is still that beautiful to me.

“The party was noisy. They were playing a game of Charades, and everyone was supposed to be guessing. He was sitting at my feet, shirtless, wearing just my black leather vest. I vaguely remember hearing my team complain that they were behind and would lose the game if we didn’t get the next one right.

“I wasn’t looking at the stage. All I could think was that I really didn’t care, because he had hair like burnished copper, like the lazy golden sun of late afternoon when it pours down in cascades of warm honey and amber.

“The grace and beauty of him at times is enough to break my heart, and to make it whole again.”

Pirate is a warm, loving, gentle, protective, supportive life partner, calm and mature, a solid rock of strength to rely on, a good communicator and a peaceful person to live with.  The only thing I wanted and did not have in him was a specific kind of submission.  I like genuine fear and intimidation coupled with physical surrender when I play, and my Pirate is utterly fearless.  He will endure anything for me and he will not break.  He tried to pretend to fear, to roleplay for me, but it didn’t quite work.  He is a strong knight in service, a powerful second in command who can step up to a leadership role if I am temporarily incapable.  He submits by choice rather than by force.  I respect and appreciate his willing service a great deal, even though I am generally wired to desire different qualities in submission.

My Pirate is truly magnificent just as he is, and I would not change him.  He inspires me.

“I am in awe of the courage that it must take to submit with willingness and grace. It inspires me to strive for greatness within myself, so that I may remain completely worthy of such a gift. Simultaneously humbled and enobled by pain and passion, he becomes a rare and beautiful creature that defies any simple description.

“Were there any such thing as a shop of ancient and magical curiosities that could only be found by the most perceptive and dedicated of seekers, invisible to casual passers-by, one that sold djinn bottles and dragons in gold and silver chains and black feathers from the wings of fallen angels, that would surely be the place where I once found him.

“It is considered unwise for past customers to give any address to those who have not yet seen, or to speak more clearly of the mysteries that may lie in wait on those dusty shelves. Or of the proprietor, whose eyes are like twin coals of burned rubies in an impossibly beautiful face. And behind him, some say they have seen the whispering ghosts of faded wings.

“But of course there is no such place, no shop of myth and magic that grants the deepest wishes of one’s hidden heart. And once you have seen it, once you too have found your heart’s desire there, this is what you also must say. And what you find there, you must keep.”

I deeply love and appreciate my Pirate.  Not having 100% identical kinks and D/s preferences was not at all a deal breaker, especially for two people with experience being poly and enjoying play and deeper connections with others while maintaining a strong and loving relationship.  We both agreed that while we didn’t absolutely need a third partner to be happy, it was fine for us to play safely and with full transparency with others.  It would be nifty if we happened upon a unicorn – that mythical bisexual man who had at least some degree of connection with both of us – but we weren’t actively shopping, holding our breath waiting, or being annoyingly creepy about looking for a shared sex toy rather than relating to actual human beings.

We proceeded merrily along for a few years, completely happy with each other, playing casually and mostly nonsexually with others, occasionally getting to co-top some very pretty bisexual men at parties.  Yum.  No one really clicked with us past that casual play level and we never invited anyone home until we met our foxy.   Nope, he wasn’t bisexual, not one teeny bit, but he was brilliant and geeky and awesome and wanted to come home with us and play D&D and Munchkin and Ninja Burger and go out for adventurous Chinese food and be friends.   So we did. It was a lot of fun.

The D/s chemistry I had with foxy was powerful.  Just my hand gripped tight in the long black silk of his hair was enough to drop him shaking and gasping into deep subspace.  A few light slaps could make him weep while looking up at me with a heady mix of terror and ecstasy, thanking me with tearful gratitude for hurting him.

“I think I love him most of all when he is bruised and crying and shaking, cowering under my upraised hand. His eyes are wide and staring, poised on the trembling edge of fear and worship. Beautiful victim, helpless object; the imagery is powerful and compelling to me.”

It was indescribably fucking hot, right from the beginning.  I wanted more, and I was scared of how much I wanted it.

|| Read more

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Happy femdom: Dani

Dec
2012
02

posted by on femdom relationships, happy femdom

This fabulous email landed in my inbox a while ago, and it was such a fascinating, wonderful story of discovery and evolution that I really wanted to share it. So with permission, here is Dani’s story.

Author: Dani

I just wanted to tell you thanks for having such an awesome, n00b-friendly blog and thanks for doing the submissive men images video.

The very condensed version of my story is this: A little less than a month ago I was surfing around with my boyfriend of 5 years, on Amazon, looking at vibrators or something. Down at the bottom, there was a link to all sorts of “Customers who bought this also like …” and we were laughing at the other stuff that came up — floggers, hoods, ball gags, pony butt plugs, and “ridiculous” stuff that freaks enjoy. Hey, it takes all kinds, right?

And then I saw it — the answer to my being chronically sexually unfulfilled in this and every other relationship; the cure for my guy’s utter inability to lift a finger around the house, ever — it was a chastity device. I didn’t even know such things existed outside of oddity museums. I just immediately KNEW what needed to happen and that I was never going to be happy in a relationship without it.

I knew our lives were going to change immediately and that my life could go from “kinda shitty” to amazing — what I didn’t know is exactly how I could accomplish it! The next few days passed in a blur as I explained to him what I wanted and that it was going to start right now. To his credit, while he initially thought I was kidding and that the idea sounded horrible, he went along with it even though he had no idea how to do it. In the outside world, he’s very masculine, very competitive, a natural leader, etc. so he ended up challenging me and “not doing it right” a great deal for the first few days, and I had no clue how to “force” it to happen.

We went to a store and picked up a CB-6000. Meanwhile I did a ton of research and came up with very little information other than (surprisingly) it is almost always the MEN who seek out this type of arrangement, that typically it’s the man trying desperately to convince the woman to do this, and that most of the stuff online is far more porn-y and man-centric than educational. While it was encouraging to know that if it didn’t work out with my guy I’d have no shortage of replacements, I wanted him and no other.

I found very little (basically nothing in the first couple of weeks) in the way of how to “correctly” introduce this sort of thing to your man, and how to be a dominant woman when you’ve basically been a doormat your whole life. I realized I had always been dominant at the beginning of relationships when everything was wonderful, and that this is how I was happiest. But I had no idea how to keep that role, other than through violence (whips and chains, yikes!)

I’ve always had an open mind, but this stuff has never interested me before — BDSM was something that “weirdos” did, and while I think people should let their freak flags fly, they’re still freaks! :) I realize now that, in the past, the idea of doing “light” BDSM (felt/velcro handcuffs and such) felt totally stupid to me because I wasn’t really in charge — but now I really could be, and it thrilled and terrified me. This is an extreme analogy, but it was like discovering that I was a lesbian, and I had always been a lesbian, and my boyfriend had better get with the program and get a sex change for me or our relationship was over. How could I ask that? How could I, a very introspective person, have not known how completely kinky I was?

I felt miserable because this is the sort of thing that should be disclosed VERY EARLY ON in a relationship, not 5 years in. What kind of asshole could suddenly demand and expect total servitude from a man? I just knew that wanting this was wrecking my relationship with the man I loved, and I didn’t know how to do anything else because I NEEDED THIS AND HAD TO HAVE IT.

And then I saw your “submissive men, you are beautiful” video. (I saw the NSFW version). I watched it about 30 times, mostly because I loved the music, but the images interested, titillated, and terrified me. Would I have to do this sort of thing to my beloved? Wasn’t that horrifically cruel and degrading? But these very artistically-photographed beautiful men were FAR from unhappy — they had the most “blissed-out” expressions I’d ever seen. The knots in the ropes were so intricate! The beatings must have been so intense to leave those marks!

I just kept looking and processing what I was seeing. I showed it to my guy and we discussed everything at length. While he didn’t enjoy the male nudity, he did agree that they looked super happy and promised to give the new situation an honest try. Skipping the details about how I came up with the new rules and how he responded to each new thing, and skipping the personal details about how our sex life is now mind-bendingly awesome, if we fast forward from a month ago to now, we are now the most intensely happy couple that ever drew a breath of air. We are both more productive, more confident.

I feel like I am finally just being myself — instead of a pattern of a short courtship phase being replaced by my waiting on a man hand and foot, trying to think of anything I could do to please him, throwing myself at him sexually, hoping he would find me worthy to love, I am finally being loved and respected and fulfilled in a way that I have never even come close to before.

And my guy is so happy; he showers me with affection, flirts with me, and tells me all the time that he loves me so so much and wants me desperately. These days he thinks of my pleasure first and constantly thinks of ways to please me. I am helping him to be more successful socially and at work, and our home is becoming a peaceful oasis — albeit, an oasis with an awesome dungeon in it. We are becoming fitter and taking better care of our bodies. I feel like I was BORN to do this, and it just feels like everything is right in the universe.

It certainly wasn’t solely because of your video, but your video really helped me to realize that what I wanted was OK, and that lots of people do this in lots of various ways, and that whatever way I chose would be the right way. (There is no “right” way, only MY way!). And people who think it’s scary or weird just don’t understand it, and that’s OK too — maybe they’ll get it one day like I did, and maybe they won’t.

This sort of information is really important for someone who is just discovering a entirely new and different aspect of their personality and sexuality that is so huge and life-changing! If you want to do another video in the future, I will send you some photos of my beautiful man.

Anyway, thanks for having such a softly written, informative, personality-infused blog that isn’t pornography designed around a man’s wishes, like so much of what I found in the early days. I was very scared and worried then, so your video was incredibly helpful for my mental state at the time. So, thanks :)

___

This post is part of a project to share happy, positive femdom relationship stories.  If you have a story and are willing to share it, please email it to me (ferns AT domme-chronicles DOT com).

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posted by on femdom relationships, happy femdom

I started following Unspeakable Axe’s blog years ago. A submissive man from the country who had moved to New York City and who was going through the ups and downs of finding a dominant partner. It was fascinating in the way that these stories always are, and Axe’s writing is funny and compelling and each time something promising didn’t pan out, I was disappointed for him. Why was no-one fabulous grabbing him?!! Baffling.

Then things changed for him. And I nudged him for his story. So here it is, the happy-making.

Author: Axe

It was very early on in our relationship.

I wasn’t owned by her yet but we’d see one another several times per week. I would come over and clean for her, she’d ring the bell next to her bed and I’d make her come with my mouth and she’d either tease me or send me back to work.

I found out later that she had thought of having me over once a week to clean and nothing more but she eventually found reasons for me to come over more often. I knew she liked me but I didn’t have a clue how much nor did I have any expectations. I had been burned so many times in the past that I was jaded enough to just go along with whatever she wanted and not get my hopes up.

Then things became much more passionate. I remember when she first kissed me, how I felt an electricity run though me, how nervous I was and how relieved I was when she told me I was a good kisser. Things ramped up from there. She would kiss me and tease me so hard occasionally sending me home almost doubled-over with desire and ache.

She would randomly touch me just to make me hard, stroke me just enough to make me want it then stop. The teasing and denial turned into forcing me to orgasm either by making me jerk off for her while she took the occasional photos or by teasing me to tears only to make me come harder than I ever had.

I so badly wanted to be inside her and I thought I’d have my chance soon after my STD tests came back clean but she just amped up the teasing. She would grind her body on top of me for a while only to sit on my face. I wasn’t complaining of course but fuck did I want her so badly.

Eventually things were so intense that we could barley be in the same room with one another without some kind of sexual interaction.

One night her best friend from New Jersey was staying over because she had to get up early to work in Manhattan the next morning. Sade still wanted me to spend the night however and told me I’d be sleeping on the floor at the foot of her bed while she and her friend slept in her bed.

I remember laying on the hardwood floor, wanting to kiss her and taste her but not wanting to be needy. I had been too needy in the past and I didn’t want to make the same error. The lights were off and out of the corner of my eye I saw Sade’s foot appear just barely over the edge of the bed. I wanted to touch her so much but didn’t want to disturb her or her friend (who as it turns out was already fast asleep). The need to feel her skin won over and I gently placed my hand on her foot. It felt so good to touch her.

My hand lay there for only a few seconds before her foot pulled away and seconds later Sade quietly pounced on top of me at the foot of the bed, kissing me deeply and grinding on top of me occasionally putting her hand over my mouth to quiet the moans coming out of me.

Things were going so well, part of me was expecting it to end as all things had in the past. Maybe that was why I didn’t make the same mistakes I did before like being too eager. Or maybe there was something about her that calms me while exciting me at the same time.

A few days later we were standing out on her fire escape having a cigarette. I can’t remember what we were doing just before that. Maybe we were watching MST3K, maybe we were naked in her bed or maybe we had just come home from a kink event. I do remember she was looking at me with an expression of desire I had never seen before.

“I so fucking want to own your ass.”

I was speechless.

“You want me to own you don’t you?”

“Yes please”

She grabbed me and kissed me..hard.

“You want me to own that cock too?”

She grabbed my crotch and squeezed.

“Yes please”

Seconds later I had her collar on my neck.

Minute later we were back in her bed.

Months later we moved in together.

Many months later she said “yes” when I asked her to marry me.

___

This post is part of a project to share happy, positive femdom relationship stories.  If you have a story and are willing to share it, please email it to me (ferns AT domme-chronicles DOT com).

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posted by on femdom relationships, musing

HugsTwo of my fabulous male submissive friends are exploring new relationships. Yay!!

Why am I posting about this?

Because it makes me happy, because they are wonderful, smart, interesting, sweet, amazing men, because both of them have been single for a while, and because it gives me hope.

Mostly, people are not single because they are undesirable hideous trolls living under bridges, compulsively twitching and muttering obscenities at passers-by.

Mostly, people are single because it’s *hard* to find someone who fits, someone who makes your heart sing, someone who makes you skip into each day looking forward to spending more time with them.

Happiness is happy-making, and even though it is early days for both of them, I am quietly doing a little dance of finger-crossed joy for each of them.

So, I wanted to share, and it can’t hurt to send positive thoughts into the ether for happy endings. I do so love happy endings!

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