All ‘femdom relationships’ category posts

My First: his words

Jan
2015
03

posted by on femdom relationships, First

My first submissive has commented on some of the posts I’ve written about him using the nickname “Her First” (this cute choice of nickname makes me smile & I’ll be calling him ‘First‘ from now on).

I’m putting this comment from him here in its entirety because it sums up his perspective of this situation so well. You’ll need to read that post for this one to make sense.

___

“He sees a kind of rueful humour in it now”

Honestly, that’s an understatement :)

It was 18 years ago, and many of my memories of my time with you are still so vivid, good and bad. I remember the moment I discovered the ‘betrayal’… I can play back that video in my mind in excruciating detail.

It hurt me. It changed me. It made it difficult for me to trust women again for a long time. And for a while, I hated you, yet all the while longing for you as much as I ever did. I hated myself for feeling that way.

And then time went by. I had new experiences in life. I grew and I learned many new lessons. In time I began to realise just how complex life and relationships can be, and that I was far from a perfect person myself. So finally the day came when I realised that I forgave you. My time with you helped define me, and there was plenty about myself that I liked.

So a few months ago I made contact with you for the first time since 1999, and immediately rediscovered my love of simply conversing with you. I remembered your eloquence, your ability to draw me in with your words alone. You were, after all, the first woman to make me discover my sapiosexuality.

It took a little courage to bring up the ‘betrayal’, but I really needed closure – the wound had never fully healed, and I simply wanted to understand that chapter from my past.

And closure I got, just not the sort I expected! Rueful humour? I literally burst out laughing. It’s difficult to express the feeling of realising that the greatest hurt that was ever done to you, that shaped you, that scarred you, that made you deny the submissive side of yourself for nearly two decades, had never actually happened. It was like my timeline unravelled, the hurts were erased, and I was suddenly 25 again with my eyes blinking in wonderment. I felt embarrassed and stupid, yet renewed; I felt the scar tissue melt away.

Since then, I’ve been able to focus more strongly on the good memories of our time together, and reawaken some of my forgotten kink interests. Now I can look back at my past and laugh, and look forward to my future with a devious smile on my face.

___

Phew. My reply is not worth repeating, but you can read it on the original post over here if you’re interested.

More on First to come…

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Because… mine

Jan
2015
01

posted by on femdom relationships, First, play

My first submissive still carries a scar and a piercing that I gave him almost 20 years ago.

This makes me happy.

Because… mine.

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posted by on dating, femdom relationships, musing

I like to think I’m above it, of course: giving value to traditional power signifiers conveyed by social norms.

But I’m not.

Education, sophistication, success, intelligence, achievement, wealth are all ways that many of us ‘traditionally’ place people on the power spectrum. I know some of you are now going ‘not all of us!’ and I know that. I ALSO want to go ‘not me!’, but that’s not true. I’m pretty solidly middle class and grew up with those values.

I recently spied on some people I used to know at school and university using my friend Google, and my unconscious reaction to what I found was ‘Ooh, impressive’ or ‘Oh, not’.

So a friend who completed a PhD overseas, has travelled a lot, is the head of creative arts at a university, runs a successful consultancy, is involved in various community art projects is in the ‘ooh, impressive’ category.

One who works at McDonalds and who plays local cricket, falls into the ‘oh, not’ basket.

I don’t base my opinion of them as a *person* on those things, but I’m still impressed (or not) by it. I kind of hate that about myself but it’s still true.

My relationships have all been with men who were pretty much on par with me in terms of ‘traditional’ power, even if their power manifested in different domains. For example, I’ve been out with a man who was well respected and semi-famous in his niche area of expertise. He made zero money at it, but that was irrelevant. His achievements were impressive.

The only way I am outside of the ‘traditional power signifiers’ evaluation is when I see people who have a particular passion for something and run at it full tilt. Even if the thing they are passionate about doesn’t bestow any of those traditional power signifiers upon them, I’m still all ‘ooh, impressive’ over it.

Geez, so what, Ferns?! What has this got to do with D/s?!

Here’s the thing for me: It’s not enough for me to ‘agree a power dynamic’ with someone. I have to *feel* it. It has to be organic, genuine, and real.

It’s not easy to define why I feel it with some men and not with others. For the most part, I feel like my *will* is just stronger and submissive men with whom I fit feel that also and react to it in a way that works for me. In my logical brain, when we are pretty much ‘equal’, my ‘strength of will’ is the thing that tips it in my favour. And when we are actually pretty equal in terms of power, or I have stronger traditional power signifiers, that’s fine.

But there was one time when I had initial discussions with a submissive man who was *in all of those traditional ways* ‘better’ than me.

He was better educated, smarter, more sophisticated, more successful, wealthier than me… ALL OF THOSE THINGS. And not just a little bit: there was a serious and rather obvious gap in all of those things. He was, in all those traditional ways, much more powerful than me.

I was shocked to find myself struggling a bit to find my feet because for the first time, it didn’t feel like we started out as equals at all. I had never struck that before, and I was surprised and fascinated by my reaction.

Truth be told, I loved it in many ways, because learning new things about myself is so interesting. I felt off-kilter with him, even intimidated. It was new and strange and I felt like I was an observer watching myself navigate something foreign. I was trying to find that solid ‘organic’ power base that is the foundation of my relationships, and I had to work pretty hard not to go ‘uber Domme’ on him as a kind of short-cut power-grabbing manoeuvring, but that would have been play acting. I’m NOT ‘uber Domme’ and while that might have worked, it would have been a game of ‘pretend’, and not actually a step towards establishing any kind of strong foundation.

Things didn’t work out with him, which was a shame for me. I’d have loved to play with that power differential in different ways: there was so much potential exploration in it.

TL;DR: My relationship to D/s power is complicated, but there has to be an organic foundation for it to work for me.

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posted by on femdom relationships, First, NaNoWriMo, QnA

NaBloWriMo[SubmissiveGuyComics is also doing a post for our NaBloWriMo project, though he’s hiding some of them on Twitter so if you aren’t following him, you should… ]

 

So the question for you all is – how do you communicate best? Within the dynamic or by stepping outside of it?

I see some form of this question come up from time to time and I suspect I normally give some answer without giving it a lot of real thought. This time I’m not really even answering the question at all. Ha!

I know that I’ve done poorly at times with creating a safe space for difficult communication. This came home to be very clearly recently when my first submissive got back in touch with me and revealed some things that I wasn’t even aware of. In short: Instead of coming to me with something really serious at the time, he quietly kept it to himself and was horribly, irrevocably hurt by it. So obviously I had failed at making him feel safe enough to talk to me about something difficult.

So I’ve had to take a good hard look at myself, and while I think (hope!) I’ve gotten better at a lot of things since then, I am very aware of the fact that I choose very sensitive men whose primary focus in our relationship is to please me, and I love that about them. But that makes them very reluctant to do or say things that they know will not please me. This is not something I cultivate on purpose, but it’s a pattern I’ve seen even in my vanilla relationships, and the nature of D/s exaggerates that tendency.

I’ve (erroneously at times, I think) thought that my partner would bring things up as they need to, but I think I probably need to work a bit harder on facilitating those communications so that he feels safe. Given my experience so far, I think I would achieve that best by making it part of our dynamic (that is, to do it as part of ‘the rules’). If it was just part of how we related in our lives, it wouldn’t be a problem: It would just happen naturally and I wouldn’t have to ‘do’ anything to make it happen. But because I’m a bit of a steamroller, I don’t think that actually happens, so I need to give it a nudge.

For me, when I’m in a relationship ‘how we relate’ is pretty fundamentally D/s, and that colours everything in the relationship, and I think it can create a barrier to communicating the hard stuff. By ‘fundamentally D/s’, I don’t mean we’re acting all D/s-ey all the time, what I mean is that I choose men with whom the power dynamic exists because that’s how we are together. It would exist even if we pretended we were vanilla, and in that, it reflects pretty much every vanilla relationship I’ve ever had. I’m a powerful energy and I choose men who enjoy that, but there are consequences that brings that can be unhealthy and I’m pretty sure I haven’t been as aware of that in the past as I should have been.

No matter what, I’m still learning.

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D/s break ups

Nov
2014
23

posted by on femdom relationships, NaNoWriMo, QnA

NaBloWriMo[SubmissiveGuyComics is also doing a post for our NaBloWriMo project, though he’s hiding some of them on Twitter so if you aren’t following him, you should… ]

 

“How should Masters/Dominants try and help their submissive/slave move forward? What, according to the Dominant are they owed? What do THEY owe their submissive’s in turn? What kind of post-relationship aftercare is provided due to the intensity of D/s relationships in comparison to vanilla ones?”

My D/s relationships are monogamous, romantic, love-based partnerships. When they end, we are both a mess, and at its best, we both try and be gracious and kind as we move on.

As the dominant, I’m not somehow less hurt, less of a mess, or less emotionally distraught than my submissive when that happens, but I still tend to feel a sense of responsibility for taking the lead in how the breakup goes because that’s how our relationship has worked up to that point. That feeling doesn’t just disappear because it didn’t work out (ditto all the other feelings).

My last submissive broke up with me, and I STILL worried about him and his well being in the aftermath. I still felt like I was looking after him, but I know that at least part of that was that I needed to do that as part of my healing (similarities to the aftercare in play: I do it for me as much as for him). It’s not something he would expect or that I feel obligated to do.

And sometimes that responsibility means that I have to make hard and hurtful decisions for the greater good. Like ‘No, we won’t have any contact for the next 2 months so that we don’t keep this wound festering’.

Do I ‘owe’ him that because I’m the dominant? No. It’s a choice I make because it feels right for me in dealing with it.

Either way, break ups suck. Really really suck.

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Oh baby

Nov
2014
22

posted by on femdom relationships, fiction, NaNoWriMo

NaBloWriMo[SubmissiveGuyComics is also doing a post for our NaBloWriMo project, though he’s hiding some of them on Twitter so if you aren’t following him, you should… ]

 

“Oh baby,” she whispered.

He opened his eyes slowly, lazy eyelashes fluttering as if they were weighted, as if it took all of his strength to manoeuvre them open. He managed a moment’s connection, catching her gaze briefly before they closed again.

“Hmmm?” It wasn’t a question, not really.

“Oh… baby,” she whispered again, her breath hot against his ear, all the desperate need for him floating in the air, all the things she never said, all the sweetness, the adoration, the love.

“Baby…” he whispered back, acknowledgement, confirmation.

She half smiled, no energy left to expend on moving those muscles, she inched even closer to him even though all of their flesh was already conjoined with sweat and exhaustion and there was nowhere to go. He shifted closer also, symbolic symbiosis that she felt at her core.

Her mouth against him, she said it again, drawing out each syllable in slow motion, almost a sigh.

“Oh… baby…”

She thought she might cry, all her emotions thrumming a cell’s breath away from the surface of her skin.

He made a sound, a close-mouthed whimper, and she knew he heard her in exactly the way she needed to be heard.

She wanted to kiss him, but even as she thought about the mechanics of reaching for him, she felt herself drift off to sleep, her fingers twitching against his flesh.

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More on neediness

Nov
2014
12

posted by on femdom relationships, musing, NaNoWriMo

NaBloWriMo[SubmissiveGuyComics is also doing a post for our NaBloWriMo project]

 

greg made this comment on my last:

Thought provoking post. I never thought about it this way. It makes sense, but it sounds difficult to sort out…

I never really thought about it this way before either and I think it IS difficult to sort out. The fact that we all subconsciously navigate this all the time (sometimes well, sometimes poorly) is interesting to me.

It relates to something that I have had in the back of my mind for a long time but that I struggle to communicate without sounding like an arsehole.

I keep thinking of someone doing the ‘right thing’ and communicating all their needs, and the other person trying really hard to be ‘the good partner’ and working to meet those needs while becoming more and more uncomfortable with the way they are behaving. They can get to the point where they are unable to identify that line between ‘compromise’ and ‘it’s no longer working’ because they are so invested in ‘being the good partner’.

I have written about compromise in D/s relationships before, approaching it from a different angle.

We hold up ‘communication’ as the be all and end all of relationships as if someone saying it or as if talking about it magically makes it doable and makes the relationship better.

“You aren’t getting what you want from the relationship? COMMUNICATE!”

I don’t know why people like to pretend that communication isn’t fucking HARD and fraught and possibly really damaging to a relationship. They get all eye-rolley over it. But it IS hard or everyone would be happily spilling their vulnerabilities all over the table at every opportunity.

One reason why communication is so hard is because often the problem in a relationship is of the ‘my needs aren’t being met’ variety, and the *assumption* is that if you communicate those needs, your partner will try and meet them because they love you and everything will be golden. But in actual fact, often those needs are fundamental things that will make the other person just go ‘yeah, nup, can’t do it’ and that’s scary shit. And our first instinct is to say ‘Well then that person’s an arsehole who doesn’t love you’, but that’s so idiotically simplistic it makes my brain hurt. One only has to look at all of the ‘I want my wife to dominate me’ discussions everywhere to get that.

There is a point at which you hit a compatibility issue and that point is where your needs require your partner to become a different person: obviously that’s not going to happen. And if they love you*, they might try, oh lord, they may try, but eventually they will fail because that’s not who they are.

I have certain needs and it’s my responsibility to choose a partner for whom meeting those needs is a natural function of how he relates to me, it should be a joy and a pleasure for him. There can and will be tweaking and compromises along the way, but fundamentally ‘how he is’ and ‘how he relates to me’ takes care of any feelings of ‘neediness’ because I will feel loved and desired and adored because we are compatible in how we show those feelings with each other. The rest is detail.

*Edited to add: (or like you, or lust after you, or think there’s potential, or or… etc.).

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