All ‘femdom relationships’ category posts

posted by on femdom relationships, First, NaNoWriMo, QnA

NaBloWriMo[SubmissiveGuyComics is also doing a post for our NaBloWriMo project, though he’s hiding some of them on Twitter so if you aren’t following him, you should… ]

 

So the question for you all is – how do you communicate best? Within the dynamic or by stepping outside of it?

I see some form of this question come up from time to time and I suspect I normally give some answer without giving it a lot of real thought. This time I’m not really even answering the question at all. Ha!

I know that I’ve done poorly at times with creating a safe space for difficult communication. This came home to be very clearly recently when my first submissive got back in touch with me and revealed some things that I wasn’t even aware of. In short: Instead of coming to me with something really serious at the time, he quietly kept it to himself and was horribly, irrevocably hurt by it. So obviously I had failed at making him feel safe enough to talk to me about something difficult.

So I’ve had to take a good hard look at myself, and while I think (hope!) I’ve gotten better at a lot of things since then, I am very aware of the fact that I choose very sensitive men whose primary focus in our relationship is to please me, and I love that about them. But that makes them very reluctant to do or say things that they know will not please me. This is not something I cultivate on purpose, but it’s a pattern I’ve seen even in my vanilla relationships, and the nature of D/s exaggerates that tendency.

I’ve (erroneously at times, I think) thought that my partner would bring things up as they need to, but I think I probably need to work a bit harder on facilitating those communications so that he feels safe. Given my experience so far, I think I would achieve that best by making it part of our dynamic (that is, to do it as part of ‘the rules’). If it was just part of how we related in our lives, it wouldn’t be a problem: It would just happen naturally and I wouldn’t have to ‘do’ anything to make it happen. But because I’m a bit of a steamroller, I don’t think that actually happens, so I need to give it a nudge.

For me, when I’m in a relationship ‘how we relate’ is pretty fundamentally D/s, and that colours everything in the relationship, and I think it can create a barrier to communicating the hard stuff. By ‘fundamentally D/s’, I don’t mean we’re acting all D/s-ey all the time, what I mean is that I choose men with whom the power dynamic exists because that’s how we are together. It would exist even if we pretended we were vanilla, and in that, it reflects pretty much every vanilla relationship I’ve ever had. I’m a powerful energy and I choose men who enjoy that, but there are consequences that brings that can be unhealthy and I’m pretty sure I haven’t been as aware of that in the past as I should have been.

No matter what, I’m still learning.

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D/s break ups

Nov
2014
23

posted by on femdom relationships, NaNoWriMo, QnA

NaBloWriMo[SubmissiveGuyComics is also doing a post for our NaBloWriMo project, though he’s hiding some of them on Twitter so if you aren’t following him, you should… ]

 

“How should Masters/Dominants try and help their submissive/slave move forward? What, according to the Dominant are they owed? What do THEY owe their submissive’s in turn? What kind of post-relationship aftercare is provided due to the intensity of D/s relationships in comparison to vanilla ones?”

My D/s relationships are monogamous, romantic, love-based partnerships. When they end, we are both a mess, and at its best, we both try and be gracious and kind as we move on.

As the dominant, I’m not somehow less hurt, less of a mess, or less emotionally distraught than my submissive when that happens, but I still tend to feel a sense of responsibility for taking the lead in how the breakup goes because that’s how our relationship has worked up to that point. That feeling doesn’t just disappear because it didn’t work out (ditto all the other feelings).

My last submissive broke up with me, and I STILL worried about him and his well being in the aftermath. I still felt like I was looking after him, but I know that at least part of that was that I needed to do that as part of my healing (similarities to the aftercare in play: I do it for me as much as for him). It’s not something he would expect or that I feel obligated to do.

And sometimes that responsibility means that I have to make hard and hurtful decisions for the greater good. Like ‘No, we won’t have any contact for the next 2 months so that we don’t keep this wound festering’.

Do I ‘owe’ him that because I’m the dominant? No. It’s a choice I make because it feels right for me in dealing with it.

Either way, break ups suck. Really really suck.

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Oh baby

Nov
2014
22

posted by on femdom relationships, fiction, NaNoWriMo

NaBloWriMo[SubmissiveGuyComics is also doing a post for our NaBloWriMo project, though he’s hiding some of them on Twitter so if you aren’t following him, you should… ]

 

“Oh baby,” she whispered.

He opened his eyes slowly, lazy eyelashes fluttering as if they were weighted, as if it took all of his strength to manoeuvre them open. He managed a moment’s connection, catching her gaze briefly before they closed again.

“Hmmm?” It wasn’t a question, not really.

“Oh… baby,” she whispered again, her breath hot against his ear, all the desperate need for him floating in the air, all the things she never said, all the sweetness, the adoration, the love.

“Baby…” he whispered back, acknowledgement, confirmation.

She half smiled, no energy left to expend on moving those muscles, she inched even closer to him even though all of their flesh was already conjoined with sweat and exhaustion and there was nowhere to go. He shifted closer also, symbolic symbiosis that she felt at her core.

Her mouth against him, she said it again, drawing out each syllable in slow motion, almost a sigh.

“Oh… baby…”

She thought she might cry, all her emotions thrumming a cell’s breath away from the surface of her skin.

He made a sound, a close-mouthed whimper, and she knew he heard her in exactly the way she needed to be heard.

She wanted to kiss him, but even as she thought about the mechanics of reaching for him, she felt herself drift off to sleep, her fingers twitching against his flesh.

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More on neediness

Nov
2014
12

posted by on femdom relationships, musing, NaNoWriMo

NaBloWriMo[SubmissiveGuyComics is also doing a post for our NaBloWriMo project]

 

greg made this comment on my last:

Thought provoking post. I never thought about it this way. It makes sense, but it sounds difficult to sort out…

I never really thought about it this way before either and I think it IS difficult to sort out. The fact that we all subconsciously navigate this all the time (sometimes well, sometimes poorly) is interesting to me.

It relates to something that I have had in the back of my mind for a long time but that I struggle to communicate without sounding like an arsehole.

I keep thinking of someone doing the ‘right thing’ and communicating all their needs, and the other person trying really hard to be ‘the good partner’ and working to meet those needs while becoming more and more uncomfortable with the way they are behaving. They can get to the point where they are unable to identify that line between ‘compromise’ and ‘it’s no longer working’ because they are so invested in ‘being the good partner’.

I have written about compromise in D/s relationships before, approaching it from a different angle.

We hold up ‘communication’ as the be all and end all of relationships as if someone saying it or as if talking about it magically makes it doable and makes the relationship better.

“You aren’t getting what you want from the relationship? COMMUNICATE!”

I don’t know why people like to pretend that communication isn’t fucking HARD and fraught and possibly really damaging to a relationship. They get all eye-rolley over it. But it IS hard or everyone would be happily spilling their vulnerabilities all over the table at every opportunity.

One reason why communication is so hard is because often the problem in a relationship is of the ‘my needs aren’t being met’ variety, and the *assumption* is that if you communicate those needs, your partner will try and meet them because they love you and everything will be golden. But in actual fact, often those needs are fundamental things that will make the other person just go ‘yeah, nup, can’t do it’ and that’s scary shit. And our first instinct is to say ‘Well then that person’s an arsehole who doesn’t love you’, but that’s so idiotically simplistic it makes my brain hurt. One only has to look at all of the ‘I want my wife to dominate me’ discussions everywhere to get that.

There is a point at which you hit a compatibility issue and that point is where your needs require your partner to become a different person: obviously that’s not going to happen. And if they love you*, they might try, oh lord, they may try, but eventually they will fail because that’s not who they are.

I have certain needs and it’s my responsibility to choose a partner for whom meeting those needs is a natural function of how he relates to me, it should be a joy and a pleasure for him. There can and will be tweaking and compromises along the way, but fundamentally ‘how he is’ and ‘how he relates to me’ takes care of any feelings of ‘neediness’ because I will feel loved and desired and adored because we are compatible in how we show those feelings with each other. The rest is detail.

*Edited to add: (or like you, or lust after you, or think there’s potential, or or… etc.).

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Neediness

Nov
2014
11

posted by on femdom relationships, musing, NaNoWriMo

NaBloWriMo[SubmissiveGuyComics has also done a post for our NaBloWriMo project]

 

I’ve just started reading Ann St Vincent’s blog. It’s a very personal sex and relationship blog, not femdom, but one of those wonderful blogs where the author shares themselves in such a way that you become engaged in their story.

She has recently talked about Andrew, a new man in her life (part 1, part 2 of recent developments), and in all of the angsty reflection that she is going through, she described herself as ‘needy’.

I started thinking about the idea of neediness and how it works.

I like to think of myself as ‘not needy’, but that’s not true at all. I need a whole bunch of things, and I only become ‘needy’ when I don’t get them. And that only happens if what I need is not naturally what he offers.

Neediness is less about *me* (or you or you or YOU) and more about compatibility.

I have an advantage in dealing with my needs because ‘raaawwrrr female dominant!!’ If I want something from him, I just ask for it and he is delighted to give it to me. But people are complex and while that’s perfectly fine for ‘things I want’, it doesn’t work so well for ‘how I want to feel’. I’ve written before that I do suffer from some of that terrible ‘if I have to ask for it, it’s not worth as much’ level of passive aggressive thought about some things.

Say, for example, I want him to text me every morning if he is away from me. I’ll ask for it, and he’ll do it. That works a treat. But then, let’s say I want something *sweet* from him every morning and that’s not how he normally communicates. I can ask for it and he will figure out something sweet to say every day and he’ll send it.

But here’s the thing: While he’s totally being sweet to me with his obedience in doing what I ask, it’s unclear if he is *actually* communicating sweet feelings to me. He’s being obedient. And obedience is wonderful, I kink on obedience big time, but I CANNOT (CAN NOT) get love/affection/sweetness/lust/desire/any of those things by pulling the obedience card. His feelings are not something I can demand. At its best, this kind of requirement opens him up to express himself and we have a lovely new avenue of sincere communication. At its worst, he will trawl the internet for ‘sweet things people say to each’ and throw them into a text for me and be happy that he’s done as I asked.

In short: I can get him to behave in a way that *looks* like he has certain feelings by telling him to do it, but then the line between ‘doing it because I said so’ and ‘expressing actual real feelings’ becomes very blurry.

I want to see my submissive’s feelings. I want all of the affection and love and lust and desire and everything. All of it. And then I want to control it, play with it, revel in it, deny it. But if he doesn’t feel those things or he doesn’t express those feelings in the specific way that meets my needs, I will become ‘needy’ for it.

And if that’s the case, I’m not suddenly ‘too needy’ as a person in a relationship, we’re just incompatible.

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D/s stereotypes

Oct
2014
14

posted by on femdom relationships, musing

Femdom stereotypes are rife, and they get perpetuated by both sides of the slash. It’s really frustrating to see the same thing come up over and over.

Her: I’m supposed to be a cold hard bitch
Him: You’re supposed to be a cold hard bitch
Her: ~has a bad day, cries, needs cuddles~ Oh noes, I’m not a real dom!
Him: Wow, you’re weak. You’re not a real dom!

Rinse and repeat.

It’s the curse of inexperience and fantasy and it’s so very common. And often it will take several goes at failed relationships where this expectation over-rides humanity to realise that it’s really stupid and destructive.

The result of those failures for many women is a confidence blow that has them believing that they aren’t ‘a real dom’ and they leave any idea of D/s behind them because that’s not who they are.

But it’s not who ANY of us are. It’s the realm of pros and fantasies and porn and play and every media depiction of femdom ever.

I find it horribly depressing.

Being dominant means different things to different people. For me it’s ‘I run the relationship and he follows’. That means when I’m having a shitty day and want to cry, he gives me hugs and cuddles because that’s what I want. And also because he loves me and wants me to feel better. It’s not about me hiding who I am because I’m not ‘supposed’ to be a real human being.

Reverse the above. It’s just as true for submissives.

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He believed…

Oct
2014
12

posted by on femdom relationships, First

When we were together long ago, in the distant past, he believed that I had betrayed him.

Not just ‘betrayed’, but ‘BETRAYED’ in all caps with a bright neon red, sharp and harsh, and so ugly it can barely be looked at head-on.

That betrayal impacted him deeply, coloured all of his relationships since me with a murky grey cloak of fear and self protection. Years of it.

He got over it, of course, put it behind him, carried on. Lived and loved and worked at avoiding the potential for that sort of hurt ever again. That meant putting away some pieces of himself, and keeping away from women like me.

I knew none of this. Not an inkling.

After our relationship ended, our separate lives went on, we lost touch.

Recently he contacted me. We talked.

Between that post and this one, he brought up the betrayal: the pain, the bitterness, the anger, even hatred that my betrayal had caused him as a young man. There was no blame in it. He laid it out as a mature man looking back at his history and laying some of it at my feet, to shed light on it. Although it seemed like an ancient artefact, the remnants of all of those awful feelings were clear: Ragged, chewed up, spat out, hardly recognisable, but still being afforded breath there in the back of his mind. Or somewhere in his heart. Wherever these harsh experiences of life continue to live long after they are past.

The thing is: the betrayal never happened.

It was a misunderstanding, an unfortunate happenstance, easily cleared up in a single email. I wrote that email immediately in reply, banging it out in a kind of head-spun disbelief that he had believed such a thing to be true.

Both of us reeling that this lie had festered as a truth in his mind for years. His shock to discover that this thing that had caused him such terrible pain had never actually existed. My shock that he had carried such a hurtful untruth around with him for so many years and I never knew.

The truth came out easily, but unravelling the consequences has been a little more complex. I have been almost morbidly curious to understand the impact of learning the truth for him: it is a kind of rewriting of history because of the way it coloured his view of me, of the relationship, of his place in it. I can’t imagine it, really, and I think he has handled it with much more grace and maturity than I would have.

He has shared snippets of where it has taken him, glimpses which I find fascinating and for which I am grateful. He sees a kind of rueful humour in it, skipped past the what-ifs, and moved on to a sense of relief at being able to let those tattered negativities go into the ether. It is closure of the kind you hear about.

As for me, I have apologised profusely for his hurt, but what I am *really* apologising for is the fact that I created a relationship where my young submissive didn’t feel safe enough to come to me at the time and ask “What’s this?” so that the misunderstanding could have been avoided in the first place.

For that, I’m deeply sorry.

___

I’m going to pre-emptively ask commenters to please not play the ‘blame game’ here. I expect my regular readers wouldn’t dream of going there, but I’ve seen too much of it lately and I want to give fair warning that I won’t hear a word of it.

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