All ‘femdom relationships’ category posts

Short circuiting

Jan
2015
19

posted by on femdom relationships, First

My First: Are you sure the wine and yourself haven’t made each other’s acquaintance tonight?
Me: Shush!
First: Yes Ma’am
Me:


jfdjlgjlkbalkjfdjkl;fj
*laugh*
First: That’s the first thing you’ve instructed me to do since we moved apart
Me: I was thinking VERY IMPORTANT THINGS! Stop short circuiting me!
First: Sorry Ma’am
Me: Bzzzttttt

Seriously, I can’t put a coherent thought together now. Holy fuck.

___

Apparently some things retain their power.

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posted by on femdom relationships, First

My First and I met in a BDSM chat room, on IRC. I can’t remember the details. What I remember is that we were attracted to each other, got chatting, emailing, talking, we exchanged photos. There was definitely something there.

He was some 6 years younger at 25, lived about 900kms away, had just finished his masters. He was restless, was looking to move, he was unhappy where he was, I can’t remember why exactly. He had had what to me seemed like a lot of BDSM experience: lots of different partners, lots of different kinds of public play, lots of activities that were way beyond my experience. In my mind we were always ‘novice Domme with experienced submissive’.

I helped him look for a job in my city, both of us bubbling over with glee and excitement over the potential before we’d even met. We told ourselves that he was just looking for promising opportunities, but we both knew I was a big factor in his decisions.

In July, he travelled the 11 hours by train to come and meet me and to go to a job interview. I got up at some ungodly hour to greet him at the station. And there he was: 6′ tall, lean, dark hair, inquisitive eyes, a broad eager smile, quick to blush.

He wrote in my blog:

“I arrived at 6am Sunday morning after an eleven hour train ride during which I amassed no more than thirty minutes sleep. Consequently much of my expected nervousness was replaced by sheer exhaustion and I avoided making a complete fool of myself at our initial meeting. Physically, Sharyn turned out be much as expected: tall, slender, highly attractive with the most beautiful long hair and eyes so deep and dark that (forgive the cliché) I honestly believe I could lose myself in them.”

I took him back to my place and he made me pancakes for breakfast (even way back then I was doing all the things you’re always told you shouldn’t do with strange men off the internet: DON’T get in a car with him, DON’T take him back to your house, and FFS DON’T EVER have him stay with you! Noooo!).

Later on that first day, we wandered some markets, I took him shopping for the kind of boxer briefs I like. I picked them out and squeezed into the dressing room with him so I could watch him try them on. He was embarrassed at this forced intimacy, but also thrilled to be the object of that sort of attention. He had the most beautiful legs. I can’t remember if I told him that, but I remember watching him change and thinking it. It seems like the sort of thing I would say out loud. Amazingly he still has these boxers and they still look hellishly cute *smile*.

He stayed for ten days.

Most of the detail of that initial meeting is gone, but it went well. We agreed there was something worth pursuing. I summarised the visit at the time with this:

“Taking time to know him, questioning, testing, videos, movies, cafes, bondage, nail polish, lacy panties, door bolts, clips, clasps, clamps, cuffs, mouths, hands, hitting, biting, smell of lubricant, slippery, fear, trust, wallowing, wailing, latex, plastic, water, flesh, warm, cold…”

In August he moved to my city and by November we were living together.

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Past-me

Jan
2015
16

posted by on femdom relationships, First

I found a copy of my old hand-coded blog from the time my First and I were in our relationship. I wonder if there was a private journal also, but I haven’t taken the time to really look for it. My blog at the time was also BDSM-focussed (oh, what a surprise!), documenting my early explorations and relationships, but the content is frustratingly sporadic and incomplete. My play posts about my First were based on what I wrote there.

My First had access to the blog (indeed, the first time he told me he loved me, he wrote it in my blog), so he was aware of it and I was brutally honest in it, shockingly so, both about myself and about him. Surprisingly, he doesn’t remember the blog at all.

Obviously I wasn’t aware of the betrayal-that-wasn’t at the time, but he tells me it happened relatively early on and when I re-read what I wrote about our relationship, I wonder how it impacted our interactions.

I wasn’t a brand new Domme when I met my First. I’d probably been exploring BDSM for about a year or maybe a bit more when we met. Perhaps longer online before that.

I was part of some online communities (primarily IRC where I met him), I had a group who I went to munches with, I had explored some bottoming with an experienced Dom, I had gone to play parties, I joined a private BDSM club, played in public, dated some submissives for short periods, had a sweet young submissive under my wing for caretaking.

But I’d never had a full-on D/s relationship before. In that, he was my first.

I wrote about struggling with the balance in the D/s relationship. I didn’t want 24/7, but I wasn’t sure what I DID want. I worried that I was too lazy to ‘be a Domme’ (despite knowing better in my head, I still *felt* like I had to be in some kind of Domme-mode more and always).

I recognised at the time that his submission made him reluctant to bring up anything that would displease me and I knew that it hindered our communication, but I didn’t know what to do about it.

We obviously didn’t (couldn’t) communicate about our difficulties (or any other thing), though he read my blog, so he knew what I was thinking. I had not yet learnt not to use my blog as some kind of sideways communication tool, but of course, him knowing what I was thinking was obviously not the same as us talking about it and figuring out what to do.

Past-me could have used someone much wiser and more experienced to sort out the not-actually-very-difficult shit that I was struggling so much with in our relationship. Similarly, he said he was frustrated with past-him: that he’d like to go back in time, slap him, give him a hug, some lessons, and slap him until he absorbs it all.

More to come from past-me… I haven’t exhausted this topic yet…

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Come whisper in my ear...

Showing off

Jan
2015
13

posted by on femdom relationships

I like it when he shows off for me.

In the beginning, when he doesn’t know me so well, it happens inadvertently. And I love that. It’s a huge compatibility marker for me. When he unconsciously says something in a particular way, moves just like ‘that’, gives me a look, does something that hits me like a freight train and I’m left reeling. He might, at that stage, know me well enough to see the impact but in case he doesn’t, I’m not subtle in letting him see my reaction. I *want* him to see it, I want to reward him for doing a thing that makes me hungry.

If he’s tuned into me (and holy god, I love it when he is), he will know the second it’s happened. He’ll catch a quick hitch of my breath or a slow smile or even in email he’ll see a reaction: it will be enough to make him stop, register the reaction, tuck it away in his memory for next time. I can see his surprise and delight at realising he’s found a button, we both know he will press it again.

Then we play a game as we get to know each other. He has to be good at it, sophisticated, almost innocent: He will show off for me.

He pretends he’s not, the pretence makes him seem naive and I love that contrast. But by the time he’s comfortable enough to do it, he knows exactly what he’s doing, how it impacts me. It makes me laugh with delight when he exercises this power, it makes me catch my breath, it makes me helpless with want.

Perhaps he looks at me just so, or moves into my line of sight to take his shirt off over his head slowly, or maybe he tilts his head like a confused puppy at something I’ve said, or lowers his voice tone with me, or almost casually does any one of a million things that makes everything in me spiky and ragged.

And sometimes, rarely, I call him on it because that too is a delight.

“Are you showing off for me?”

A sheepish look, a shy smile, perhaps a blush. “Yes Ma’am.”

“Holy god, you’re beautiful. Come here, boy.”

 

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posted by on femdom relationships, First

In case you don’t normally read comments, my First has contributed some thoughtful perspectives in the comments of these posts about him (he posts as Her First):

___

I had a blog around the time that we were in a relationship, possibly some journals also. I was curious enough about how I felt at the time to go looking for them.

I found the blog content and some old emails. My blog writing is cold, factual, brutally honest, especially given I know my First read it (he wrote in it at least once). Quite hard to read.

I haven’t located any journals yet.

So, probably more to come about him.

 

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Navel gazing

Jan
2015
06

posted by on femdom relationships, First

In a comment on my last post, Aethel said this about her current relationship:

“I really want to strangle his old doms whenever I think of them. I have had to undo the fears, almost expectations, of abuse that previous partners left behind”

Yeep. That sounds terrible, and I’m really glad that he has you to create that safe space for him.

I actually expect (though I haven’t asked) that my First’s partners after me had to deal with a lot of that same thing. Because of his misunderstanding and the terrible hurt and mistrust it caused, I have no doubt that he cursed my name for what was done to him, and that his partners cursed my name also for doing that to him (even though I never did that to him!).

I keep thinking about this in different ways, and have to work hard not to get defensive. Parsing out the mistakes I made from the perception he had is difficult. The betrayal-that-wasn’t coloured *everything* for him, both at the time and in hindsight for all of these years, so any light and brightness that we had was tainted, seen through a shroud of bitter ash.

I’m aware that he is mentally and emotionally rewriting our history in his own head (or has already), as am I, and that means the ground isn’t solid, it’s a shifting landscape for both of us. His memories moving from the bleak into the sunlight, mine wavering in a haze of confusion on the horizon.

I think all of this is a good thing and we will end up with a relatively common understanding of it all. I actually think I am struggling with it more than he is: the epiphany that his greatest hurt was a misunderstanding has cleared the majority of the way for him to let it go and move on. That bit is relatively simple and understandable.

My confusion arises from the fact that I never noticed anything was wrong and my fear is from the knowledge that he never felt safe enough to talk to me about it. Revising history is hard. Especially when you have a poor memory, like I have. I tried to find my old writing this morning to see if there were any insights there that I missed or ignored, but I can’t locate it. Frustrating.

I wonder how different our relationship might have been if the truth had come out then (very, I’m sure). And I wonder how much of my feeling that we weren’t really a good fit was due to the hurt and anger that might have influenced his behaviour. That is, he was in a relationship where he was harbouring hurt and betrayal and mistrust, and I was in a relationship that just didn’t feel right. Of course it makes sense that the two things were related.

I never felt loved by him, even though he said the words to me. By the time we got together, I *knew* what ‘being loved’ felt like. And this wasn’t it. I think it was part of the reason that I never took him seriously: He said the words, but his actions didn’t feel like love to me. At the time, I thought that he didn’t really know what love was, didn’t know what it looked like or felt like. Now I wonder if he was afraid to let go, to show love, because he was doing his best to protect himself from me.

I need to find my old writings.

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posted by on femdom relationships, First

For the full story:

My First and I have been gently exploring our past relationship, and in doing so we have been exposing the fact that we never really understood each other. And when I say ‘never really understood’, I mean ‘had wildly different experiences in the same relationship’.

There was the ‘big misunderstanding‘ that underscored a lot of it, but it’s clear in hindsight that we didn’t have the vocabulary or the communication skills to navigate the complexities of our relationship.

I was a new Domme, experimenting with my power, pushing hard, possibly more dictator than compassionate partner.

He was a more experienced bottom, but had never before submitted, was younger, emotionally immature, he fell in love.

The result wasn’t good.

I was flexing some serious dominant muscle for the first time, exercising choices that worked for me, that were my right in the relationship. I don’t at all remember how (or if) I communicated those decisions, or what sort of voice he had in it, if any. On the vanilla-side, I obviously really liked him, we lived together for goodness’ sakes, but I never took him seriously as a partner: it just never felt quite right.

On his part, even though he was an experienced bottom, he had never truly submitted before. He desperately wanted to feel my desire, to bring me pleasure, to gain my approval, but felt the entire time that he was failing. Still, he fell in love. And at the bottom of all of that he harboured feelings of betrayal from quite early on in our time living together.

It was a messy mix that we didn’t have the skills to bring out into the open and discuss. So we each went forward oblivious of each others feelings and struggles.

From my side, our relationship wasn’t a grand love affair, but it was full of warmth, shared exploration, sweetness. I didn’t feel as if he was failing me, and I don’t remember ever expressing that (of course, I called out things if I was correcting him, but I don’t ever remember being frustrated or disappointed by any failure to please me).

From his side, our relationship was a mire of unhappiness with him struggling to keep his head above water. When I asked him recently if he had any happy memories, he talked about moments that were important to him, but even those he didn’t describe as ‘happy’.

He has never submitted to anyone since me: he has worked hard to avoid making himself that vulnerable ever again.

The realisation that we had such disparate experiences of our relationship is both fascinating and disturbing for me. I know I keep harping on about it, but my lack of awareness is shocking to me and over these past months, I have tried to understand how on earth it happened and to reassure myself that it couldn’t possibly have happened since.

On the one hand, I am selfishly pleased that he has never submitted to anyone after me (I’m not proud that I feel that way given it was born of hurt and terribleness, but I still feel it). It’s ego, pure and simple. I was his first, I own that part of him, I marked him: Mine. I’d feel that even if he went on to submit to others, but it is *more* mine because he didn’t.

On the other hand, his reasons for never submitting again are not because I was so awesome that he could never hope to reach that pinnacle again (which is what I *want* to hear of course), but because I damaged him so badly that he didn’t want to put himself in a position to go through that again.

I said once that I wasn’t his relationship from hell.

I was wrong.

I was.

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