All ‘femdom relationships’ category posts

Sleeping together

Aug
2013
24

posted by on about me, femdom relationships, musing

I don’t sleep well with another in my bed. I don’t sleep well at all for the most part. This tenuous relationship with sleep makes it precious, sacrosanct. There are few things more irritating than having my sleep interfered with.

I need to feel very comfortable with someone to want them in my bed, and if I don’t have that level of comfort, I don’t share well. I will lie there restless, unable to relax, hyper-aware that they are *just there*.

I let bambi fall asleep in my bed one night when he was here. We had played for some time and then snuggled into bed together in the aftermath. He fell asleep quickly, easily.

Me, I was lying there, restless, acutely aware of another body taking up space. Space that I didn’t need. Not *my* space. Just… space.

I tried, I did.

And some time in the early hours, I woke him up.

“I can’t sleep, you have to go into the other room…” I whispered.

His eyes half closed, he took a moment to register what I was saying. He didn’t protest, or question. He nodded and blearily got up.

I went with him, to put him to bed in the spare room. I missed him from my bed as soon as he left, but I needed him out.

I tucked him in, petted and cuddled with him for a short while. His slow heavy sleep-breathing returned quickly. Then I tiptoed back into my empty room, into my empty bed, and slept… bliss.

For all of that, the idea that my boy and I would not share a bed as the default doesn’t work for me. It makes me feel sad. I don’t want him out of my reach like that.

I want to know that I can fling an arm over and feel him there. There he is, even in sleep, waiting for me.

I like to touch him randomly, snaking fingertips into the space between us towards him until I feel warm flesh. The curve of a hip, the hairs on an arm, the vulnerability of his neck, the shape of his cock.

I enjoy petting him, not even really awake, feeling the texture of his skin under my fingertips. The softness of his rounded arse, that smooth skin behind his ear, his soft relaxed lips.

I need to know that if I roll over, I can fit my body against his and he will shift a little to make me comfortable, murmur unintelligible sounds at me, and push his skin against me for sweetness.

And if I want kissing, well, I want kissing right here right now!

I want all of those possibilities to be available to me, it just takes me some time to get comfortable enough to allow it.

Later on in bambi’s visit, he again fell asleep in my bed, this time still tied to the bedpost by his wrist. I didn’t have the heart to disturb him, so I let him sleep there (on *my* side, no less… see how lovely I am?!) while I went and did other things.

When I went to bed some time later, he was still out. I considered waking him to have him move to the other bedroom, but he looked so adorable, I couldn’t bear to do it. I slipped in beside him and actually managed to fall asleep without too much trouble. I was more comfortable with him by then, and maybe, I don’t know, but maybe, him being tied down made a difference somehow.

More testing required. You know, for science.

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posted by on dating, femdom relationships

You know what I liked about that movie? It gave us a short, easy phrase to explain this oh-so-simple concept.

And it really *is* simple.

Let me preface this with ‘in my experience’…

Men who are interested in you will move heaven and earth to be with you. They will.

They will be thinking about you as they go about their day, they will make you a priority, they will consider your feelings, they will work to make you happy, they will be clear if they are unavoidably busy for a while, even then they will still make time to be sweet to you because they miss you, they will pay attention to your moods and react accordingly, you will be top-of-mind for them.

Place a submissive mindset over the top and it amplifies *all of that*.

You can twist it any way you want and the closest second option if you are confused about his interest is “He’s not into you in a way that works for you”. The end result is the same.

There’s no such thing as ‘not enough time’, there are only priorities. And while life happens and you can’t *always* be the first priority, if you are NEVER the first priority, then yeah, have a think about that.

In short: If he really wants you, you will know it.

This PSA brought to you by the question, “He’s really great/nice/wonderful/sweet and he says he likes me, but he never has time for me/never initiates contact/disappears without a word/missed a date because he fell asleep/does some other things that make me question his interest, what should I do?”

DTMFA.

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posted by on advice for male subs, femdom relationships, musing

Sometimes submissives ask how they can help their dominant (especially their *new* dominant) become more comfortable in her dominance.

Come here, and I will let you in on a secret…

Ssshhhh…

Ready?

Here it is:

Submit!

Seriously. Do that.

I know it sounds as if I am being cute or something, but I’m not.

Do you want to know what I probably needed most from my submissive when I was finding my feet?

  • A safe space in which to assert myself.
  • To be certain that when I ask for something, he will comply.
  • To be confident that he is eager and willing to do it.
  • For him to demonstrate that he thinks that I am teh awesome for asking things of him.
  • To know that even if he *isn’t* eager, and doesn’t enjoy doing it that he is *still willing to do it for me anyway*.
  • To feel that he is made happy by giving me what I want, even when it’s difficult.
  • To have acknowledgement that my dominance is valuable to him.
  • For the exchange to feel like sweetness and affection.

Do you know what I probably need most from my submissive now that I have found my feet? STILL ALL OF THE ABOVE.

In short, I need him to submit to me in a way that works for me.

So do some work to learn what your dominant needs to feel from you in terms of your submission, and give her that.

See, I could have finished this post here, but THOUGHTS!

Back to the topic of vulnerability.

Remember my inner voice in this post? It took me a while to train that inner voice to not just go ‘Oh hell, he’s not going to do what I asked, I’ll just give up’ at the first hint of resistance, and then feel hurt and rejected over it. If that happened, I’d be reluctant to ask something similar of him again because I’d be scared that I would fail again (and that’s what it felt like: ‘failure’).

I know we all (okay, well, some of us) want to pretend that dominants are all domlydomdomdominant all over and all the time. But for all of that, you know what?

All a submissive has to do to break the D/s dynamic is say ‘no’ to things they don’t want to do, and keep saying it.

Seriously, that’s it. It’s really that easy.

Why?

Well firstly because when he says ‘no’, unless you have agreed otherwise, he is essentially withdrawing consent. But it’s more than that.

Simply put, for a D/s dynamic to work he has to submit, and saying ‘no, I don’t want to’ is not submitting.

If my submissive makes arbitrary choices about when he’s going to say ‘yes’ and when he’s going to say ‘no’, that’s not submission. That’s a vanilla relationship where he does what I want if he feels like it, and then doesn’t when it doesn’t suit him.

Some dominants are willing to spend time getting past some hesitance, reluctance, a half-hearted ‘no’, some bratty back-talk and if a submissive *needs* that to feel the dynamic, there is nothing at all wrong with it. Lots of people on both sides of the slash love having that push-pull in their dynamic.

But if your dominant is new, or is a little insecure, or is feeling vulnerable, then putting up resistance is a nightmare scenario that is likely to make her back down and just not bother trying any more (that is, she will withdraw her dominance). And that will hit her confidence hard: it’s really difficult to come back from that. The little voice in her head will have a field day telling her she’s a rubbish Domme, and probably selfish and bossy and petty and mean and NO-ONE WILL EVER LOVE HER!

It’s also a nightmare for someone who is getting to know you, and actually *isn’t sure what you are doing*. They are trying to divine the line between ‘being positively assertive’ and ‘being an unreasonable bitch’, and they are well aware that if they get it wrong, the whole situation can go bad very quickly. Goodness knows we are told enough times how much we have to care for our submissives (and fair enough too), and determining where that line is can often be difficult.

Personally, I’m willing to do some of that ‘pushing past resistance’, in fact, I’m happy to do it. I like the feeling where we are nudging up against each other to see how the land lies. My radar is pretty good now, and if I’m really not sure what is going on, I mostly don’t have a problem saying, “Look, your reluctance is making me feel bad, what’s going on?” But having said that, if his answer is some version of “I just don’t feel like it”, then we really DO have a problem that needs to be sorted out.

TL;DR: If you want to support your dominant’s dominance, then submit.

*sigh* Do I REALLY have to put a caveat here that there are legitimate reasons for saying ‘no’. Fine, there are. I’m not talking about those. Move on.

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Oh, there I am

Jun
2013
18

posted by on bambi, femdom relationships, musing

Earlier this year, I talked about how I worry sometimes that I’ve lost the hunger that drives my dominance. It doesn’t exist in a vacuum, it only comes alive when I have someone I want to aim it at.

When I haven’t felt it for a while, it becomes like some distant thing. Vaguely remembered, but shadowy, intangible.

Even though it didn’t work out with bambi, I am beyond delighted and grateful that he was a perfect target for the hunger. It was especially strong in the beginning before the emotional complexity complicated things and muted it. I got to experience again how the feelings could become too big for my body, like I needed more and endless space into which to throw all this aggression and violence, like it could fill some bottomless chasm.

I felt like ‘me’ again, the me that is somehow inaccessible otherwise. The me that waits quietly, that feels sometimes like it has disappeared.

I’d almost forgotten what that part of me was like, how it felt, and oh my god, I’ve missed it. That I got to unleash it with a man who looked at me, opened his arms and said ‘bring it!’ was a relief and a joy, a reminder of what it is I want.

I wondered at times if I was going to be able to control it, all that ferocity and passion that I hadn’t let loose in what felt like forever.

At one point in the middle of assaulting him, I paused to breathe and he looked at me with what felt like shock.

“You are so… aggressive…” he said, and I felt a little flutter of concern. “Hot!” he added before he opened up to me again.

I grinned at him, all teeth and snarling desperate want.

Yeah, I know.

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posted by on femdom relationships, happy femdom

The lovely AudioDiva was kind enough to share the story of meeting her boy, and how their relationship developed. She sweetly added that ‘life is pretty fantastic’, and their story bears that out. It’s just lovely *happy sigh*.

Author: AudioDiva

I met My boy last year while I was in the middle of a bad break up from my vanilla husband. My ex & I were in the BDSM scene when we met 10yrs before, but our relationship had always been vanilla & there came a time when our differences made it impossible to continue. I felt very broken, but a week after he left, for the last time after a year of problems, I went to our local Munch just to see what the community had to offer, since my previous experience was in another city. I was in no way ready to consider actually playing or getting into a relationship, but I had been gone from the scene for quite a while & in order to join the local group you have to attend 2 Munches, so I figured the sooner I got started the better. I had also joined Fet, which is the location of our local group’s online interactions, and read a lot of different profiles.

At my first Munch in over 10yrs, I sat at a table with this very nice, rather odd looking and yet adorable man, who introduced himself. I talked to him & a couple of others at the table. Everyone was very nice, but he actually gave me his Fet name & asked if I would like to Friend him. When he said his name I was surprised that his was one of the profiles that I had read closely and someone I had hoped to meet eventually. During the Munch he also mentioned that he played country & oldies music every week at a club about an hour from my home. Being broken, and needing a change, I decided that this might be just what I needed. At the same time we began chatting regularly on Yahoo. It turns out he was in a similarly broken state, following the break up of a 6yr Ds relationship and some major health problems (seizure disorder with poor prognosis at the time, along with back injury).

I went to the dance the next week & was surprised to see that I was the youngest in the room by about 20yrs. As it turns out the dances are marketed to seniors & at 38 I hardly qualified, but at the first dance he introduced me to some lovely ladies, & the gentleman were excited to have someone who had no idea how to dance, but was willing to learn. He watched all this from the stage & over time he had fun listening to all the come-on lines that were used. The following month he house-sat for a friend and I spent almost every night with him there. This was where we had our first scene, which changed everything for me. For the first time, in a VERY long time, I felt truly desired & desirable & adored – an EXTREMELY heady experience. It also became clear that he was a service sub who needed someone to serve & a place to work on large projects and I was living alone in a 3500 sq. ft. home that needed a lot of work.

As his house-sitting drew close to an end, I learned that he was looking for a new place to stay. While it was still early in our relationship, I assured him that, regardless of what happened between us romantically, he would have a place to stay in my house. Soon after he moved in, 14 months ago, it was clear that my house had become Our Home. Even though we each have a bedroom, we have never spent a night apart in the house, we just move back and forth between the two (this way we each have room for our stuff & I get to keep my waterbed). We now also have a dedicated Dungeon/Playroom & a guest room, thanks to his hard work.

I work during the week. Before I wake up, he gets up and makes me my Chai, along with his coffee, brings it to me & when I wake we perv Fet & talk until I start getting ready to leave. I usually make breakfast, since cooking is my only household chore. While I am gone he makes the bed, cleans the kitchen, along with other areas of the house, he makes floggers or play furniture, and does yard work. When I get home I make dinner & we hang out together, talking about our days & watching TV. Then we may have a tickle war, or we may have sex, but we always cuddle when falling asleep. On the weekends we go to local events, both BDSM & musical.

This is from my Fet profile writings just a month after he moved in & it is still true:
“My boy is always looking for ways to make my life easier – Some examples include: fixing things (chairs, toilets, internet issues, faucets, the perfect study area), making the bed, doing the laundry, planning improvements on the house, preparing me drinks and snacks before I leave for work (cooking is not his area), keeping me on point/on time/focused, singing to me, holding me when life gets overwhelming, making me laugh, letting me cry, telling me how beautiful I am until I really believe it, supporting my decisions – even when he disagrees, offering me a different viewpoint, listening, respecting my limits, giving me a shoulder to fall asleep on, and of course the most amazing HOT kinky sex I have ever had, anytime I want (who knew daily ass worship would make me insatiable) and someone to experiment with/on – of course this is just a few of the things he did this week, so who knows what he will offer next week :) ”

Of course this all depends on how he is feeling. Because of his health, he has good days & bad days, but in 14 months I can count on 1 hand the number of days he didn’t make my Chai and he has never failed to cuddle. With minimal stress his health has actually stabilized somewhat.

I admire his determination not to let his disability define him. I commend the money he raises for others in need. I love listening to him sing. I appreciate hearing his observations on human nature, because he is extremely intuitive & observant. I particularly love how he makes me feel valued, adored and desired in such fundamental ways. It just gives me a thrill when he calls me Ma’am, especially when I can flash back to his face buried in my ass or seeing him bent over working on my car.

While we do play, he is primarily a service sub & partner, so we are looking at including others for play only. I need to practice more so I feel more confident & he isn’t always up to it. Communication is definitely the key & I was reticent to suggest it until I felt we were both secure in our relationship. He knows that I have no interest in replacing him, merely improving our lives & playtime.

Although we are VERY different, in upbringing, age, education, experiences etc… this absolutely works for me because we are building something unique together. We are getting more involved in our BDSM community, hosting events & attending more often. I am launching my career & he is an amazing source of support.

Like all relationships, it requires work, but I cannot imagine my life without him. While he is not fond of the term, I am proud to claim him as My boy.

___

This post is part of an ongoing project to share happy, positive femdom relationship stories.  If you have a story and are willing to share it, please email it to me (ferns AT domme-chronicles DOT com).

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posted by on femdom relationships, happy femdom

Lovely young submissive man shyly enters the fray. Goes bravely to a munch, as per the advice of many. What happens next? Well, he has kindly shared it with us. Read on!

Author: Neophyte

I read a comment somewhere, by someone, that there aren’t enough stories on the Internet about how D/s relationships start, so I thought I’d share my experience.

I’ve had “kinky” thoughts basically for as long as I’ve had sexual thoughts. It wasn’t until last summer, at age 28, that I decided to actually pursue kink. After some searching around online, I found the most common advice was, “Get on FetLife and go to a munch.” So that’s what I did. I joined FetLife and found a semi-local (I live in a very rural part of the U.S., so it’s a little bit of a drive) munch to go to. In the meanwhile, I came to the conclusion that if I am kinky (spoiler alert: I am), it’s as a submissive, but not of the groveling, worthless-worm stereotype. I want love, tenderness, and affection, but I want them from someone who is in charge.

I actually started with a smaller, more casual munch before going to the big organized one in the city. It was a great idea, because the big munch would have been a bit overwhelming if there weren’t any familiar faces. When I went to the big munch, I saw one of the sexiest women I’d ever seen in person – physically attractive, yes, but also in her style, confidence, and the way she carried herself. I learned that it was her first time at the munch, too, when they asked first-timers to identify themselves. I was really surprised; she looked completely at ease (I later learned that she had recently moved to the city after being involved in the scene elsewhere). I didn’t work up the courage to talk with her, though. The next month, I went to my first dungeon play party, just to get a sense of what they are like. I watched a couple of scenes and chatted with some people (away from the area where scenes were going on – idle chatter can really disrupt a good headspace) before going home.

When the next month’s party came around, I had plans to play for the first time: cropping on my back, butt, and legs with a domme I had gotten acquainted with. It was enjoyable and reinforced the idea that this is something I could do. The beautiful woman from the munch (let’s call her “D”) was there, too, and did a couple of scenes. Neither of us saw the other’s scenes, but we ended up chatting in the changing room afterwards (the paddle I’d brought as a conversation starter worked wonderfully as a conversation starter) and then on the smoking porch, although I don’t smoke. It was a nice conversation and we traded FetLife contact information.

That week we talked a bit online, and I invited her to the smaller munch that was coming up. It wasn’t a date, strictly speaking – she didn’t commit to join me, and I didn’t ask her as a date – but we ended up sitting together and chatting most of the evening without much regard for the overall topics of conversation. When I told her I had found a needle scene at my first play party fascinating, her face lit up with joy. We spent a couple more weeks getting to know each other through chats online, and decided we would like to play at a smaller party later in the month. It turns out that she is a switch, and our kinks are fairly well compatible. We made our plans, which were more of a rough framework than a point-by-point plan. I would be blindfolded and tied down on a bed, and she would try a variety of things from her toy bag to see how I reacted to different sensations. It went really well, I learned some things that I really, really like, and there were only a couple of things I would prefer not to try again, and nothing that I would absolutely say no to. I had a very nice time with a cool-down of cuddling before she went off to get ready for a scene where she would be bottoming.

We continued chatting, playing as time and distance would allow, and soon enough you could probably say that we were at least dating. About the same time, I got an email from her saying that from reading my cues, as well as things I had written, she felt I was ready to move from bottoming to submission. I was thrilled when I read her email. We had been (and really still are) pacing ourselves because of my newness. It has paid off, because I’m comfortable with her and trust her enough to do things that make me nervous (like the previously mentioned needles), and she has become good at reading my reactions. By that time, I really felt ready to hand over the reins to her. In March, about four months after our first time playing together, we addressed the elephant in t he room, our relationship had definitely become a “relationship” of some sort, and we wanted to be able to put into words what it is. For lack of better terminology, we settled on the basic default of dominant and submissive. I say for lack of better terminology because I don’t feel like the common terminology in D/s circles has the right nuance. I don’t think most D/s terminology has enough connotation of affection, and the labels that do have a particular connotation of affection carry other associations that aren’t quite right to describe our relationship (“little”-based terms come to mind here).

Anyway, now we’re saying that she is my dominant and I am her submissive. But it feels like more of an acknowledgement of what was already there than a change in our relationship. Oh, I’m doing more service for her, but I think that’s because we’re spending more time together, and we can’t fill all of that time with play. I don’t consider myself service-oriented, but I like doing things for her and making her happy.

The things we do together haven’t changed wholesale since we labeled our relationship, which is nice, because I really enjoy the things we do together. There has been a little bit of a change in how we do those things, or rather how we talk about and decide what to do and when to do it. There is less of her asking if I’m interested in something and more of her telling me what is going to happen, but I don’t know whether that can be traced to the acknowledgement of our dynamic or the fact that she has had time to learn what I’m interested in, but I like it.

During a break for cuddling in a recent bout of play, D held me tight and whispered, “Mine. All mine.” It was relaxing and heartwarming to hear from her. A little later, she explained what she meant by it, that she knows I would happily give her any part of me that she asked for. She is absolutely right. My desires, my fears, my sweetness, my sincerity, my insecurities, my love – I’ll give them all to her whenever she wants.

I could have lived all my life and not found someone so wonderful. I know how lucky I am, I feel like I won the lottery. I don’t know what the future might bring, but now I know that I am hers, I love her, and she loves me. That is all I need to know.

My happy femdom story is also a bit of a happy polyamory story. D switches and is polyamorous. Poly is something I’d never given any thought. Early on, when she went from cuddling with me after a scene to getting ready to bottom to someone, I had certain feelings of discomfort. Those feelings have dissipated over time, though, and as I’ve gotten to know some of her other partners, I’ve become a lot more comfortable with it. I really felt like I’d made a breakthrough when she told me that a couple she is interested in asked her if she would be their girlfriend – I was actually happy and excited for her. It probably helped that I know and like the couple, and it definitely helped that I feel a lot more secure in what I mean to D and what our relationship is.

I’m still getting used to the idea that she wants me to play with and be romantic with other people, though. When she says I’m hers, it isn’t about exclusivity. She wants me to be involved with others as a preventative measure against jealousy and resentment over her other partners. So I’ve continued playing with a couple of other people, but it feels a little bit awkward. I’m working on it, though.

___

This post is part of an ongoing project to share happy, positive femdom relationship stories.  If you have a story and are willing to share it, please email it to me (ferns AT domme-chronicles DOT com).

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I’m selfish

Apr
2013
20

posted by on about me, femdom relationships

I think of myself (and describe myself) as selfish (and lazy… yeah, I’m a real catch!), but the complication is that I can only be selfish (that is, be comfortable ‘being who I really am’) in an environment where I know that my boy feels wanted and loved in it. I need to know that he is thinking, “Yay, I love it when you are all selfish and I can run off and do these things for you!”, all skip-happy like.

I can be (and have been) selfish in vanilla relationships, and it’s terribly unfair, and my partners have loved me and will go to the nth degree to make me happy, BUT I feel a lot of guilt in this. And I am always waiting. Waiting. Because it *will* get to the nth+1 degree, and at that point it will blow up. This is when he says, “Hang on… this is SO UNFAIR!!” and starts to push back, demanding some sort of equity. He will start to ask and expect that I behave in a way that is a lot *less* selfish (which is totally reasonable in a vanilla relationship, because we have not agreed otherwise). And saying “…but but… don’t you understand, I’m *selfish* and just want what I want!” doesn’t go down so well (I don’t know why…). I have learnt that trying to conform to those expectations makes me feel resentful and unhappy, and how that ends up is entirely predictable.

Like all of these things, making it work is about compatibility.

In a long term relationship of any kind, each party has to be happy. If I am selfish, then it follows that my submissive has to relish and enjoy that selfishness, or there is no longevity there. If we are compatible, then my selfishness feeds a desire in him to be the one who fulfils those desires: he blossoms under the knowledge that he is the special boy who can make me happy by doing that. It could be argued then that I am still being all nice in ‘pleasing him’ with my selfishness. And that works just fine for me.

The complication is that I have to feel emotionally ‘safe’ to be selfish. I MUST know that he is jumping out of his skin with delight when I am selfish. When I know him well enough, I am more than happy to tell him to ‘shut the fuck up and just do it’ if he offers resistance to something unreasonable that I am demanding. But in the beginning stages, he needs to be showing me that it’s not only ‘okay’ for me to behave that way, but that he actively *enjoys* me being that way. I need to see and feel and trust that we are in it together, that those interactions are bringing us closer, that it works.

If I don’t see his enjoyment and feel him get all swoony-happy over it, I just feel like a pushy, unreasonable bitch, and boy, do I ever get the bad-feeling guilts about that.

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