All ‘femdom relationships’ category posts

posted by on femdom relationships, First

In case you don’t normally read comments, my First has contributed some thoughtful perspectives in the comments of these posts about him (he posts as Her First):

___

I had a blog around the time that we were in a relationship, possibly some journals also. I was curious enough about how I felt at the time to go looking for them.

I found the blog content and some old emails. My blog writing is cold, factual, brutally honest, especially given I know my First read it (he wrote in it at least once). Quite hard to read.

I haven’t located any journals yet.

So, probably more to come about him.

 

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Navel gazing

Jan
2015
06

posted by on femdom relationships, First

In a comment on my last post, Aethel said this about her current relationship:

“I really want to strangle his old doms whenever I think of them. I have had to undo the fears, almost expectations, of abuse that previous partners left behind”

Yeep. That sounds terrible, and I’m really glad that he has you to create that safe space for him.

I actually expect (though I haven’t asked) that my First’s partners after me had to deal with a lot of that same thing. Because of his misunderstanding and the terrible hurt and mistrust it caused, I have no doubt that he cursed my name for what was done to him, and that his partners cursed my name also for doing that to him (even though I never did that to him!).

I keep thinking about this in different ways, and have to work hard not to get defensive. Parsing out the mistakes I made from the perception he had is difficult. The betrayal-that-wasn’t coloured *everything* for him, both at the time and in hindsight for all of these years, so any light and brightness that we had was tainted, seen through a shroud of bitter ash.

I’m aware that he is mentally and emotionally rewriting our history in his own head (or has already), as am I, and that means the ground isn’t solid, it’s a shifting landscape for both of us. His memories moving from the bleak into the sunlight, mine wavering in a haze of confusion on the horizon.

I think all of this is a good thing and we will end up with a relatively common understanding of it all. I actually think I am struggling with it more than he is: the epiphany that his greatest hurt was a misunderstanding has cleared the majority of the way for him to let it go and move on. That bit is relatively simple and understandable.

My confusion arises from the fact that I never noticed anything was wrong and my fear is from the knowledge that he never felt safe enough to talk to me about it. Revising history is hard. Especially when you have a poor memory, like I have. I tried to find my old writing this morning to see if there were any insights there that I missed or ignored, but I can’t locate it. Frustrating.

I wonder how different our relationship might have been if the truth had come out then (very, I’m sure). And I wonder how much of my feeling that we weren’t really a good fit was due to the hurt and anger that might have influenced his behaviour. That is, he was in a relationship where he was harbouring hurt and betrayal and mistrust, and I was in a relationship that just didn’t feel right. Of course it makes sense that the two things were related.

I never felt loved by him, even though he said the words to me. By the time we got together, I *knew* what ‘being loved’ felt like. And this wasn’t it. I think it was part of the reason that I never took him seriously: He said the words, but his actions didn’t feel like love to me. At the time, I thought that he didn’t really know what love was, didn’t know what it looked like or felt like. Now I wonder if he was afraid to let go, to show love, because he was doing his best to protect himself from me.

I need to find my old writings.

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posted by on femdom relationships, First

For the full story:

My First and I have been gently exploring our past relationship, and in doing so we have been exposing the fact that we never really understood each other. And when I say ‘never really understood’, I mean ‘had wildly different experiences in the same relationship’.

There was the ‘big misunderstanding‘ that underscored a lot of it, but it’s clear in hindsight that we didn’t have the vocabulary or the communication skills to navigate the complexities of our relationship.

I was a new Domme, experimenting with my power, pushing hard, possibly more dictator than compassionate partner.

He was a more experienced bottom, but had never before submitted, was younger, emotionally immature, he fell in love.

The result wasn’t good.

I was flexing some serious dominant muscle for the first time, exercising choices that worked for me, that were my right in the relationship. I don’t at all remember how (or if) I communicated those decisions, or what sort of voice he had in it, if any. On the vanilla-side, I obviously really liked him, we lived together for goodness’ sakes, but I never took him seriously as a partner: it just never felt quite right.

On his part, even though he was an experienced bottom, he had never truly submitted before. He desperately wanted to feel my desire, to bring me pleasure, to gain my approval, but felt the entire time that he was failing. Still, he fell in love. And at the bottom of all of that he harboured feelings of betrayal from quite early on in our time living together.

It was a messy mix that we didn’t have the skills to bring out into the open and discuss. So we each went forward oblivious of each others feelings and struggles.

From my side, our relationship wasn’t a grand love affair, but it was full of warmth, shared exploration, sweetness. I didn’t feel as if he was failing me, and I don’t remember ever expressing that (of course, I called out things if I was correcting him, but I don’t ever remember being frustrated or disappointed by any failure to please me).

From his side, our relationship was a mire of unhappiness with him struggling to keep his head above water. When I asked him recently if he had any happy memories, he talked about moments that were important to him, but even those he didn’t describe as ‘happy’.

He has never submitted to anyone since me: he has worked hard to avoid making himself that vulnerable ever again.

The realisation that we had such disparate experiences of our relationship is both fascinating and disturbing for me. I know I keep harping on about it, but my lack of awareness is shocking to me and over these past months, I have tried to understand how on earth it happened and to reassure myself that it couldn’t possibly have happened since.

On the one hand, I am selfishly pleased that he has never submitted to anyone after me (I’m not proud that I feel that way given it was born of hurt and terribleness, but I still feel it). It’s ego, pure and simple. I was his first, I own that part of him, I marked him: Mine. I’d feel that even if he went on to submit to others, but it is *more* mine because he didn’t.

On the other hand, his reasons for never submitting again are not because I was so awesome that he could never hope to reach that pinnacle again (which is what I *want* to hear of course), but because I damaged him so badly that he didn’t want to put himself in a position to go through that again.

I said once that I wasn’t his relationship from hell.

I was wrong.

I was.

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Glimpses of history

Jan
2015
03

posted by on femdom relationships, First

If you are interested in some glimpses of how I saw my First in the time we were together, both of the posts below are about him.

I wrote a blog at the time (before blogs were a thing, hand coded in HTML), and kept a journal: both of these writings were based on descriptions I wrote back then, so they are true to my perspective at the time. There might be some others about him floating around, but these came quickly and easily to mind as pivotal moments with him.

They are sweet, hot, and intimate, which was how I experienced our relationship. Reconciling the memories I have with the experience he had is like trying to fit together two pieces from different puzzles.

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My First: his words

Jan
2015
03

posted by on femdom relationships, First

My first submissive has commented on some of the posts I’ve written about him using the nickname “Her First” (this cute choice of nickname makes me smile & I’ll be calling him ‘First‘ from now on).

I’m putting this comment from him here in its entirety because it sums up his perspective of this situation so well. You’ll need to read that post for this one to make sense.

___

“He sees a kind of rueful humour in it now”

Honestly, that’s an understatement :)

It was 18 years ago, and many of my memories of my time with you are still so vivid, good and bad. I remember the moment I discovered the ‘betrayal’… I can play back that video in my mind in excruciating detail.

It hurt me. It changed me. It made it difficult for me to trust women again for a long time. And for a while, I hated you, yet all the while longing for you as much as I ever did. I hated myself for feeling that way.

And then time went by. I had new experiences in life. I grew and I learned many new lessons. In time I began to realise just how complex life and relationships can be, and that I was far from a perfect person myself. So finally the day came when I realised that I forgave you. My time with you helped define me, and there was plenty about myself that I liked.

So a few months ago I made contact with you for the first time since 1999, and immediately rediscovered my love of simply conversing with you. I remembered your eloquence, your ability to draw me in with your words alone. You were, after all, the first woman to make me discover my sapiosexuality.

It took a little courage to bring up the ‘betrayal’, but I really needed closure – the wound had never fully healed, and I simply wanted to understand that chapter from my past.

And closure I got, just not the sort I expected! Rueful humour? I literally burst out laughing. It’s difficult to express the feeling of realising that the greatest hurt that was ever done to you, that shaped you, that scarred you, that made you deny the submissive side of yourself for nearly two decades, had never actually happened. It was like my timeline unravelled, the hurts were erased, and I was suddenly 25 again with my eyes blinking in wonderment. I felt embarrassed and stupid, yet renewed; I felt the scar tissue melt away.

Since then, I’ve been able to focus more strongly on the good memories of our time together, and reawaken some of my forgotten kink interests. Now I can look back at my past and laugh, and look forward to my future with a devious smile on my face.

___

Phew. My reply is not worth repeating, but you can read it on the original post over here if you’re interested.

More on First to come…

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Because… mine

Jan
2015
01

posted by on femdom relationships, First, play

My first submissive still carries a scar and a piercing that I gave him almost 20 years ago.

This makes me happy.

Because… mine.

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posted by on dating, femdom relationships, musing

I like to think I’m above it, of course: giving value to traditional power signifiers conveyed by social norms.

But I’m not.

Education, sophistication, success, intelligence, achievement, wealth are all ways that many of us ‘traditionally’ place people on the power spectrum. I know some of you are now going ‘not all of us!’ and I know that. I ALSO want to go ‘not me!’, but that’s not true. I’m pretty solidly middle class and grew up with those values.

I recently spied on some people I used to know at school and university using my friend Google, and my unconscious reaction to what I found was ‘Ooh, impressive’ or ‘Oh, not’.

So a friend who completed a PhD overseas, has travelled a lot, is the head of creative arts at a university, runs a successful consultancy, is involved in various community art projects is in the ‘ooh, impressive’ category.

One who works at McDonalds and who plays local cricket, falls into the ‘oh, not’ basket.

I don’t base my opinion of them as a *person* on those things, but I’m still impressed (or not) by it. I kind of hate that about myself but it’s still true.

My relationships have all been with men who were pretty much on par with me in terms of ‘traditional’ power, even if their power manifested in different domains. For example, I’ve been out with a man who was well respected and semi-famous in his niche area of expertise. He made zero money at it, but that was irrelevant. His achievements were impressive.

The only way I am outside of the ‘traditional power signifiers’ evaluation is when I see people who have a particular passion for something and run at it full tilt. Even if the thing they are passionate about doesn’t bestow any of those traditional power signifiers upon them, I’m still all ‘ooh, impressive’ over it.

Geez, so what, Ferns?! What has this got to do with D/s?!

Here’s the thing for me: It’s not enough for me to ‘agree a power dynamic’ with someone. I have to *feel* it. It has to be organic, genuine, and real.

It’s not easy to define why I feel it with some men and not with others. For the most part, I feel like my *will* is just stronger and submissive men with whom I fit feel that also and react to it in a way that works for me. In my logical brain, when we are pretty much ‘equal’, my ‘strength of will’ is the thing that tips it in my favour. And when we are actually pretty equal in terms of power, or I have stronger traditional power signifiers, that’s fine.

But there was one time when I had initial discussions with a submissive man who was *in all of those traditional ways* ‘better’ than me.

He was better educated, smarter, more sophisticated, more successful, wealthier than me… ALL OF THOSE THINGS. And not just a little bit: there was a serious and rather obvious gap in all of those things. He was, in all those traditional ways, much more powerful than me.

I was shocked to find myself struggling a bit to find my feet because for the first time, it didn’t feel like we started out as equals at all. I had never struck that before, and I was surprised and fascinated by my reaction.

Truth be told, I loved it in many ways, because learning new things about myself is so interesting. I felt off-kilter with him, even intimidated. It was new and strange and I felt like I was an observer watching myself navigate something foreign. I was trying to find that solid ‘organic’ power base that is the foundation of my relationships, and I had to work pretty hard not to go ‘uber Domme’ on him as a kind of short-cut power-grabbing manoeuvring, but that would have been play acting. I’m NOT ‘uber Domme’ and while that might have worked, it would have been a game of ‘pretend’, and not actually a step towards establishing any kind of strong foundation.

Things didn’t work out with him, which was a shame for me. I’d have loved to play with that power differential in different ways: there was so much potential exploration in it.

TL;DR: My relationship to D/s power is complicated, but there has to be an organic foundation for it to work for me.

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