I’m sure that quite a few of you have the impression that I am full of the mad dommely skillz.
I’m not.
Technically speaking, I am really rubbish.
You know why?
I don’t care. Seriously.
If I hit a boy with stuff, or bite him, or scratch him, or fuck him, or otherwise play with him, I don’t care if I am elegant, if the strikes are beautiful or if I look fabulous doing it. I can’t do a Florentine flogging (I *so* can’t, and in fact, I am impressed with myself that I even know the term!!), I can’t wield a single tail, my flogger strikes are often uneven, my needles go in kind of wonky, my cane marks are assymetrical…
When I play, I just want to do what turns me on, that’s it. Making him squirm and cry and moan and wince turns me on. Making him frantic for more, or less, turns me on. Having him insanely desperate for sweetness or pain or attention or touch turns me on. Opening him up to his core and touching him inside turns me on. Knowing him well enough to hit those buttons turns me on.
Having the mad dommely skillz… meh… really doesn’t turn me on.
To me BDSM play is like sex. I have no interest in being the best at sex, I’ve never attended a class on it, I don’t want to learn from the experts, I just want to do what gets me off, I just want to experience it in all its awkard, clumsy, funny, hot and wet glory. For me, the only difference with BDSM is the safety aspect, I need to know enough to be safe. That’s it. I don’t care about being the best at it, I just want to do stuff that makes me hot, and then, well, I want to do it some more.
I’m not averse to learning things, in fact, I love trying new things, but being able to do beautiful ropework doesn’t turn me on as much as just frigging cuffing him to the bed and immobilising him as roughly and quickly as possible so that I can do something more interesting to him. Having my needles in a beautiful symmetrical pattern doesn’t at all increase the intense intimacy of piercing him over and over again and closely feeding off his reaction as I reach for the next one.
I love to see fabulous skills, and will happily admit to vague thoughts of ‘wow, wish I could do that’, but in the end, when I am *in* it with him, I really could not care even a little bit less about it… instinct takes over and all those things are just tools that I use to break him down, and in my hands, they are caveman (woman!) tools that I wield with my prehistoric brain and I will hit him over the head with my club and drag him into my lair by the hair with all the finesse of a grunting Neanderthal. And he’ll be grateful for it.
12 comments
That's because, milady, you have a practical and wise attitude. Sex doesn't have to be performance art to be enjoyable to both partners. If you could do a florentine flogging yet one or both of you was unsatisfied I'd say that's a failure, whereas uneven cane strokes can not only be kind of cute but also -so long as they are done safely- very effective.
Clarence
Clarence: “That's because, milady, you have a practical and wise attitude.”
Oh, that's sweet, thank you.
“…whereas uneven cane strokes can not only be kind of cute but also… very effective.”
*laugh* I have never EVER heard of cane strokes being referred to as 'cute' before. I shall have to keep that in mind for next time… “Just bend over right there, boy, I am going to get all cute on your arse!”
Ferns
I think raw authenticity trumps the Japanese Tea Ceremony approach every time.
“To me BDSM play is like sex. I have no interest in being the best at sex, I’ve never attended a class on it, I don’t want to learn from the experts, I just want to do what gets me off, I just want to experience it in all its awkard, clumsy, funny, hot and wet glory.”
That's quite how I feel about it. If it becomes some kind of homework, it's no fun anymore. The whole point of this lifestyle is the FUN of playing together and giving each other pleasure.
Giles English: “I think raw authenticity trumps the Japanese Tea Ceremony approach every time.”
*grin* That made me laugh, and I do agree. From the other side also, I'd much prefer to have an awkward, totally committed, passionately vulnerable boy than a perfectly performing trained boy who knows 600 positions of surrender.
Ferns
May: “That's quite how I feel about it. If it becomes some kind of homework, it's no fun anymore.”
*smile* Shall I just go ahead and admit I am lazy? It's true.
When I try new things, I had better get some sort of hotness out of it pretty damn quick or I lose interest. This actually works out well for boys who introduce me to things that they like (lucky them!) because their reactions are often enough to make me go 'oh my, I'm loving this!'.
The law of diminishing returns kicks in pretty fast though, so when I know enough to get what I want, I'm done.
Ferns
I agree with the Japanese tea comment. Sex should be uninhibited, it should be messy. God bless messy sex.
– Disco
So with you on that. It's crazy for me to think that people attend “workshops”. Workshops! Like it's a hobby as any other. (Of course I do realize that to do some stuff safely, or meet people who might enjoy that same stuff, it could be really useful to go to a workshop.) I do what I like, and for me, BDSM is sex. One of a kind. I'm not arguing if people say that it is different to them – their experience is as good as mine. But I'm with Bitchy Jones on that one – where would the point be if it wasn't something that turns me on?
pasthurt (oh, what a sad nickname!): “It's crazy for me to think that people attend “workshops”. Workshops!”
Ha! I do understand workshops for many reasons. I have attended a a workshop on caning. I was concerned by the unforgiving nature of canes, so partly it was about safety, as you said, and partly that I wanted to get over that trepidation.
For me, though, once I am able to get what I want out of it, I am done. I have no drive to 'do it better' unless it makes it hotter for me.
“But I'm with Bitchy Jones on that one – where would the point be if it wasn't something that turns me on?”
I LOVE Bitchy Jones (even if I didn't always agree with her). But on this, I'm with you… if it's not hotsexyfabulousfunsweet, I'm not doing it.
Ferns
Heh, the nickname should actually be pastthehurt, as in – I believe in being some day past feeling intimidated by the things I want as a submissive – but it was too hard to write it like that. I guess it's just as well seeing as I have been hurt in the past, and that's why I have such hard time with accepting my submissiveness.
I haven't done anything with canes, but I do believe that it's wise to know what to do with them. Kudos for you to finding a workshop that can help with being not only sane and consensual but also safe. It's a bit frightening to play breath play sometimes, but there's really no place where they teach how to safely do that, not here anyway. (Even Dan Savage stated that BP is just too dangerous – do not do it!)
Bitchy is/was damn fine. It really breaks my heart that she stopped writing, although it probably was better for her than venting the whole time. She must've gotten so much (also negative) feedback I probably couldn't have handled it.
Ps. I would never have anyone except my husband see me submit. That would be a total dealbreaker for me – my submission is meant only for him. So, who would we practise on? :)
Opening him up to his core and touching him inside turns me on. Knowing him well enough to hit those buttons turns me on.
The ability to open him up and have him insanely desperate for sweetness or pain or attention *IS* a mad skill, and it doesn’t matter whether you use a scalpel, or a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.
Either way, I think it’s the end result that counts as skill.
*smile* Thanks. I really am not sure that counts as a ‘skill’, but I’ll totally take it!
Ferns