There is something between us.
He felt it early on, some pull towards me, ghosts of our D/s relationship tugging at something in him.
You still have a hold over me. How? Why?
I hate it.
Is there something about submitting to a person that can never be undone?
He has never submitted to anyone else, so it makes sense that as he has unravelled past hurts and the idea of submission comes tentatively floating back, it would be tied to me. I’m his link to that part of himself. His only one. All of the intense emotions, the impossible intimacy of play, the angst of a boy in love, the vulnerability of his submission, they are all linked to me. I was his first. And his last.
It might be different if he had gone on to have multiple relationships where he was the submissive partner after me. Perhaps it might have diluted those feelings. I don’t know if it really works like that.
We have been emailing and chatting, old things, new things, feeling out possibilities.
I feel the pull of him also. It is difficult to tell how much is some kind of D/s muscle-memory and how much is the here and now. I see glimpses of the young submissive he was, now in the body of a mature man. I see him peeking out now and then, shy and curious, and have to fight myself not to crouch down and entice him into the light. To nudge at him to see what’s there.
I don’t though. I am cautious with him for reasons that are not mine to share.
I am impressed by the man he has become, not least because he is capable of unflinching honesty about himself, and he shares that with me openly. Fearless.
He mentioned that he was pondering sitting at someone’s feet, watching TV, collar on. I asked him how that felt to him. He said in his mind, those feet never belonged to anyone but me, that the thought made him feel calm, peaceful, empowered, strong. This melts everything in me.
We have had some long and frank discussions about where we are and what is going on between us.
He cannot imagine submitting to anyone else, ever, not even now. This is an honour I don’t take lightly, it makes my head spin, I am made messy by it. And of course when he called me ‘Ma’am’, I felt my brain scramble with the shocking power of it.
I wonder what it would be like to kiss him, to push him up against a wall by his throat, to growl at him to kneel, to grab a fistful of his hair. But more subtly, I wonder if a gentle hand on his cheek would make him soften and lean in, if he would melt if he was petted, if a nod at an empty water glass would have him smiling happily and moving to fill it. I am curious what we might be like now.
There is something there.
I made him an offer. “Here’s the deal with our mutual curiosity: If you ever make your way up here on your world trip, now-me will meet now-you for a drink and we will see how it feels to let the ghosts go.”
“Deal,” he said.
So we will see.
20 comments
What a journey this has been to read and watch. I am hooked on every word.
xoxo
*laugh* I feel like I’ve had my own little soap opera going on here…
The nice thing about this interaction is that because the bulk of the story is old (vs something new developing), I can spill it here without holding much back. If I interact with someone new, I have to be a lot more circumspect.
Ferns
To be honest I’m not surprised at this at all. It has been (at least to me) somewhat obvious that there is still *something* and that we haven’t heard the last of you and your first yet.
Also I find it most fascinating that there are those kinds of people that just never seem to leave us.
And I secretly hope this will turn out to be your own happy femdom story (no pressure, though ;) )
~ A.
I feel no pressure whatsoever *smile*.
And yes, ‘something’ is right. We just aren’t sure quite what yet.
Ferns
P.S. I got a glorious happy femdom story in my inbox this morning: stay tuned!
Mmmmmmmm… I like this. ;)
~ Vista
*smile* Me too: Possibilities are always fun.
Ferns
From every soul who’s ever been pulled close and tight, right to the edge of “I wonder…:” guh.
What a beautiful sentence, thank you!
Ferns
I love how you worded your deal. So brilliant and poetic
Thank you! Who knows what laying ghosts to rest might look like.
Ferns
I am sooo rooting for you getting back together! Then again I just like happy endings (:
Please keep us informed (:
*smile* You romantic, you!
I will keep you informed, don’t you worry. But don’t hold your breath now, will you? Because that wouldn’t go well for you…
Ferns
*taps foot* Well bloody well get on with it honestly!
Coug
Pffft… You should know by now that everything in my life happens in a kind of strobe-light slow motion… :P
Ferns
I think your foot might tap a hole in the floor before we see any resolution on this!
We live 500 miles apart, and I’m working through a ridiculously complicated chapter of my life right at the moment.
Give us a few months, and we will see what happens.
“Give us a few months, and we will see what happens.”
I’m a reasonable woman (shaddup Ferns) you’ve got a week CHOP CHOP!
Coug
I’m glad you decided to deal with your First and I can’t say I’m surprised by this. I have no contact with my First and haven’t for years. It ended brutally and badly on both our parts and was a pretty torn up situation in a lot of ways. I have to admit, I do occasionally visit his FB page (he wouldn’t mind this, at all, honestly) and I was surprised as absolute get-out when after years he suddenly changed his FB name to the exact name I gave him when we were together. Our special little pet name. That name that you use that only the two of you know. It was like an invitation, an offering, an opening of a hand that said “Hey, if you are still out there, Goddess, I remember you.” He’s never used this name with anyone but me and it does not appear that this is the cause of it now. It was O/ours.
The First is forever and always the first. While in my case it’s better left completely and utterly done and I won’t contact him, it is lovely to see situations where it ends on a better note!
Wow, that name change is head-spinney, the message thing is really sweet and strange. Forgiveness, reaching out… something.
I’m so curious: are you easy to find if he wanted to contact you (FB, linked-in, family/work details etc)? Trying to understand if this is a no-risk way of sending a message because he is to scared to send you a note.
Ferns
He would not be able to find me, no. That is a purposeful move on my part and I do not plan to change it. He was, in all honesty, one of the single most destructive, self-centered human beings I have ever encountered. Sadly, my own lack of internal structure and self-knowledge about what I needed in a submissive did not help the matter and left him flailing around blindly, leading to an every increasing cycle of frustration.
It is possible he wishes to apologize. If so, I would hope with all my heart that it is because he has learned, changed and grown as a human being, the way I have. It was a lot of hard work and continues to be but it is part of being an adult. Recognizing when you, yourself, are part of the problem.
If he is different now then I am proud of him and wish him the best, but I did not so much burn that bridge as I nuked it and then sat there roasting marshmellows as it flamed. I do not think, even if we’ve both changed, that we would ever trust each other enough to enter into a fulfilling interaction, even as friends. Sometimes that happens when you’ve known each other at both of your worsts.
As I said though, I am -super- happy to find out when it turns out differently for others!
Ahh, I understand: Sometimes the ground is completely razed and nothing will ever grow there again.
Thank you for coming back and sharing that: it sounds like it was beyond painful :(. I appreciate it.
Ferns