Q&A: Historical (pre-2013)

The pre-2013 Q&A below was previously and awkwardly placed on the ‘Ask Me’ page.

I put them there in the days when I thought I wouldn’t get many questions, so I didn’t think it was worth creating separate posts for them.

Then the page just got longer and longer, until… well, it just got stupidly and endlessly long. Like over 13,000+ words long. Apparently it takes me 13,000+ words to figure out that maybe I’m going to get enough questions to create separate posts for them. I’m a slow learner.

So, a trip down memory lane follows. If I said anything stupid, I blame past-me: She was a bit of a know-nothing show off…

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Want to ask me something in the here and now, though? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it. It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Q&A from before September 2013 after the jump.
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The Q&A

Maybe I missed it, but since you wrote about placing a personal ad: did you only place it on your website, or did you use your local alt weekly paper?

Oh hell… I don’t even know if there is a local alt weekly paper, so no. Do people actually still do that when there’s the whole of the internet out there?!

I put it on Collarme.com.

Ferns

I never had a thing for corsets in the past but… Damn. That thing is hotter than a cookie hat!

*smile* Well, thank you.

Oh wait… Hotter than a cookie hat? A HAT MADE OUT OF COOKIES??!!! I’m not sure I believe anything could be hotter than that!!

Ferns

The cartoon Ferns is pretty hot, but still doesn’t compare to the real thing!
A Southern Boy ;-)

*smile* Why thank you kindly, oddly familiar Southern stranger…

Ferns

…but is it healthy to eat ferns?

Only if the ferns want to be eaten. Otherwise bad things will happen; Upset stomach, sore jaw, terrible pain in the testicles…

Ferns

I saw a restaurant today named “Fern, Flavors From the Garden.”
Are you branching out?

*laugh* Hello to you there in Charlotte!! I LOVE THIS! And yes, I AM branching out. I’m glad you found me out there.

I suggest starting with a Garden n Gun cocktail, then the Green Goddess Soup (seriously, I did NOT make this up!) followed by a large Fern Salad.

Let me know how it tastes. If you don’t like it, I’ll have a word to the chef, and I will personally spit in your food…

Ferns

xx You are the bomb babe…

I totally am! Thanks, babe.

Wait… who is this?

Ferns

Isn’t your birthday coming soon?

—eric

Hello eric,

*smile* Yes, it’s on the 24th. If you aren’t American, that’s 24/7, as in ‘how much of the time do I expect obedience and loveliness?’… Also 24/7 is International Femdom Day. In my honour, natch!

Ferns

Hey Ferns,
What were you like as a kid / growing up? Did you fit a stereotype of any kind? Did you like Sesame Street?

What was I like as a kid? That covers a lot of years!! In general, I think I was a pretty normal kid. Smart, well behaved, confused by the world. I don’t think I fit into any particular kind of stereotype, no.

Who didn’t like Sesame Street?! What a question! I mean, furry puppets are awesome!

Ferns

Dear Ferns,
I vaguely remember you wrote a book for NaNoWriMo. Will we (meaning your adoring fans) ever get to read it? Aaah!
Sprinkles

*laugh* What a good memory you have Sprinkles!

Though what I wrote was less of a ‘book’ and more like 50,000 words of hellishly incoherent and disjointed randomness!

I might be working on something that is not that though *mysterious eyebrow waggle*.

Ferns

Great resource.
You seem full of love!
I am fascinated by BDSM.
Happily married.
Reading your blog is a huge turn on.
Want to ramp up things in BED.

Any ideas?

Thank you.

Thank you, and I AM full of love!

Ideas to ramp things up in bed? YES! Talk to your beloved wife about some hot fabulous things in low sexy tones and see what turns her on. Start small with things that you think will be super wonderful for both of you and go from there.

Best of luck!

Ferns

I am a sub that has had a lot of trouble finding a Mistress. I’m frequently told that this is because I’m not conventionally attractive in a sexual sense. Do you think this might because I’m metal-based, ocean-going underwater vessel?

Sir Ploppington Lithium.

Is this you? If so, then I hate to tell you, but while you are indeed a sleek and sexy mofo, you’re just too small.

I know people say size doesn’t count, but they’re wrong.

I suggest you try again when you can at LEAST fit more than one seaman inside you.

Best of luck, Ploppy!

Ferns

Just out of curiosity: is there any part of a relationship you would not want to have power and control over? (assuming your boy is into surrendering that control etc)?

Ps. cookie-flavored hugs.

This is a simple and complex question.

Simple because I tend to have huge carve-outs. I’m not interested in having control over things that are outside of our relationship: friends, family, finances, career *unless there is a specific reason to do so*. For example if he is terrible with managing money, I would probably look to assert some authority over that. And I will always have something to say about those areas of his life if they directly impact me or us, but that’s not about D/s as much as about partner choices.

Complex because just because I have the authority over something doesn’t mean I want to exercise it. For example, even though I might have authority over his dress choices, 99% of the time, I don’t care what he wears. But in the 1% where I DO care, I expect him to do what I say.

“Ps. cookie-flavored hugs.”

Is that you, cookie monster? *suspicious squint*. I will take those blue-furred hugs, thank you *smile*.

Ferns

Ferns,

Love your stuff. One thing: Can you please reconcile for me your recent comments about 1) Social etiquette about not ogling others at the gym, and 2) Your own jaw-dropped stares at guys doing windshield wipers? Isn’t it a double standard? You can have one, of course.

Thanks,
Your future BF

Thank you for the love *smile*.

It’s a valid question and I thought I covered it. Look, here’s a link, go check again (I am so helpful!).

*sigh* Fine. You don’t want to go searching. I understand. Let me pull out a couple of things I said:

“Watching random people do their thing is okay, but you can’t let on that you are perving or that you are paying attention because then it can get creepy.”

“Watching someone without them noticing: okay.”

So to me, the unspoken social agreement is NOT ‘don’t watch others’: I accept that we ALL do that. As you so rightly pointed out, I watch others, often with great pleasure (see how creepy that sounds? *laugh*). It only oversteps the unspoken boundary when you are blatant about it, OR you make a statement after the fact that essentially says ‘I was watching you…’. Then you can start to seem like a creeper.

“Your future BF”

*laugh* Are you now? Well, I hope our relationship continues to develop in this very positive way via anonymous questions in my Ask Me box…

Ferns

A quick question regarding orgasm control vs chastity, do you think it could be meaningful to have one without the other? The power exchange and control aspects of orgasm control appeal to me, but empirical evidence seem to indicate that I really don’t do well in chastity (ok, 3 days may not be an impressive or statistically indicative record but the sample data contains a clear trend.). In the end I would really like to be able to give what my woman wants, but this is a tough one (pun intentionally avoided).

Ps. probably infinite boobs big. :-)

Absolutely it’s possible to have one without the other (nice work avoiding the obvious pun there, by the way *laugh*).

For clarity, I think of orgasm control as ‘if, how and when’ in a short term sense where the ‘if’ is set to a default of ‘yes’. Chastity as ALSO ‘if, how and when’, but the ‘if’ is set to a default of ‘nope’, so by implication the period of not coming tends to be longer. I’m not sure if that matches how you see the two, but that’s what I’m going on.

Orgasm control is hugely popular (I’d actually guess that it’s more popular with dominant women than chastity), so I wouldn’t think you would have any problems with your partner/s thinking it’s somehow less meaningful. Meaning is determined by the people involved, so it’s really more about compatibility than any external measure.

In short: I wouldn’t worry about it, just be clear what you are (and aren’t) willing to do and find someone who thinks the same.

And now I am pondering your ‘infinite boobs big’ comment: Is this code? Infinite boobs sound terribly uncomfortable. Are you trying to make women topple over with their infinite boobs?! Baffling!

Ferns

Are you rich ? Because you sound like you are.

What do rich people sound like dahling?! Hand me some champagne while I think about it… *laugh*

If ‘rich’ means not having to worry too much about the necessities, and having the luxury of choice in a lot of areas of my life, then yes, I am rich.

On the other hand, if ‘rich’ means buying a fabulous yacht if I feel like it, then no, I am not rich.

Ferns

Hey Ferns,
Just wanted to let you know that my crush on you turned 3 the other day and I celebrated it with some glorious pear cake (baked it myself, you’d be surprised :-).

In a completely unrelated matter, an awesome domme I’ve been following online posted a personal ad the other day, should I answer it even though I’m 12 time zones away? It would be kind of hard to deal with the distance, but fate may kick my ass if I don’t… Any advice?

*laugh* This email literally made me laugh with delight, it’s so wonderfully sweet. Thank you for it!

I am jealous that I didn’t get any pear cake (yum!), but happy 3rd birthday to your crush!! Amazing how fast they grow up isn’t it? Soon they will be leaving for college AND FATE WILL BE KICKING YOUR ARSE!!

Here’s my advice about your other completely unrelated matter… come closer and I’ll whisper it in your ear… shhh…

If you meet this awesome Domme’s criteria, and you think it’s possible to come up with a realistic plan to co-locate at some point in the future, what have you got to lose by exploring it? The worst case is that you discover that you aren’t compatible.

Or perhaps a more relevant question is “How big is that ‘what if’ level of regret going to be if you do nothing?”

This big: . ?

Or this big:  ∞ ?

Now excuse me, I’ll just be over here checking my inbox. For no good reason. Just because…

Ferns

(the guy that recently asked about the kidnap-fantasy thing). Thanks for that! :) I like knowing that their are other people out there like find interest in the same thing. Personally, I love it with panty gags and face sitting as well. That’s hot for me!!

You’re most welcome! *smile*

Ferns

I don’t want to sound like a fool, and sorry if I do because I am an amateur at this haha. But is it unusual for a guy to have a rape/reluctant fantasy whereby throughout the role-play situation he acts as if he does not want it as he is kidnapped and reluctantly does as the woman says and is even scared of the woman (and this turns her) on. Because this is my fantasy! :) Thanks :)

You don’t sound like a fool. And no, your fantasy isn’t unusual at all. There are all sorts of fantasies around being ‘forced’ to do things you don’t want to do. It’s pretty common, and fear is a turn on for many. This sort of play is usually negotiated and consented to well before it happens, and then the dominant essentially has free reign to be forceful within the bounds of the agreement and to ‘make’ the submissive do whatever they want. Hot!!

Ferns

It takes some courage to write: My butt is avery erogenous zone – and I have the fantasy, that the woman “takes me” from behind by grasping my ass with both hands, holding it in a firm grip and moulding/kneading my “cheeks” – with strong power and passion. This already would bring me to an orgasm – if I feel the lust of her also. Do women as well have such desires (to do this with men)? I never see it in the Internet, or read it (written by a women). Is it too much “role reversal” or equality? Or a taboo? Or too rare as a desire? – Your picture to the right does express this attitude I mean fantastically: completely different from the usual role division, the best sexual image I know!

I am struggling a little to understand what exactly you are asking here. I’m not sure whether you are talking about the very specific act of having your butt roughly handled from behind and that’s it, or if you are referring to pegging when you say ‘takes me from behind’.

If you are talking about pegging, it is really quite common: there are lots of porn clips, articles, stories, discussion groups etc about it.

I hope that helps.

Ferns

I live in a small town, and am submissive. I’ve never ever even met anyone that is dominant. I am moving to sf in August and attend college. Will my life get better?

Awww, I just want to give you a big hug!!! YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO GET SO AWESOME!!!

Congratulations on your upcoming move and exciting new college life.

I suggest you join Fetlife (if you haven’t already) and find some local groups (there are over 270 listed for SF) and munches and events and see if anything looks interesting. There might even be a kink group at the college you are going to.

Enjoy, and good luck!

Ferns

How do I deal with and handle someone who was abused in the past? My sub was essentially taken when he was a young adult, living in a real slave life for years. Not totally consensual. Beatings, continual bondage, every aspect of live controlled completely. And yes, he was also abused physically when a small child at home. This is his only ds experience. We are LDR, but we’ve worked through many sensitive issues. I test things once in while, just to see. My exp is friends/subs with play, but not really the whole LTR type. So I’m learning some too.
No searches find anything real on male sub abuse. Any ideas?

I’m so sorry that your submissive went through that, and it’s commendable that you want to look after him and do the right thing by him, but here’s the thing: Any kind of abuse, but *especially* childhood abuse is a really serious issue.

For all I know he has spent years in therapy and all of the below is redundant, but I can’t NOT say it (apologies in advance!).

You can’t (and shouldn’t be trying to) address his ‘sensitive issues’ as his long distance friend/play partner if he hasn’t worked through them already. Even if you have the skills to do it (that is, you are a professional abuse counsellor), your personal involvement with him rules you out as anything other than a supportive friend.

If he isn’t already seeing someone, I strongly suggest that he go and find professional help from a kink-friendly therapist. Until he has worked through the terrible experiences he went through, and he understands how they might be relevant to his current D/s leanings, what things might be triggers, how to deal when something goes badly etc, I think you are essentially poking at something that could go horribly wrong for him (and for you!). You aren’t his partner, and you aren’t local, so going to therapy as a couple obviously isn’t possible, but if I were you, I would take any D/s out of the relationship, be his friend, encourage him to get therapy, and provide as much support as you can.

Hopefully a kink-friendly therapist can not only help him with his past, but also help him to explore any impacts of it on his submissive leanings so that he understands what is and isn’t healthy for him, and can communicate that to potential partners as part of managing it together.

I wish you the both the very best of luck, and kudos to you for looking after him so well.

Ferns

hi I have been a bit of a slut going from Mistress to Mistress now that I have found a Mistress that is suited to both our style and thinking, I really want to expand on the lifestyle with her.

She has hinted about bi sexual action , I really like her but am a bit hesitant to let other guys fuck me should I say yes to please her , or put it down as a hard limit

I don’t know why you have to choose either ‘yes’ or ‘hard limit’ given you are only at the stage where she has ‘hinted’ about it and you are ‘a bit hesitant’.

How about you try talking to her honestly and openly about how she feels about it, and telling her the truth about how you feel about it (whatever that truth may be).

If it’s an ‘absolute must-have’ for her and a ‘no way no how ever ever EVER’ for you, then you have a compatibility issue, and avoiding the topic is not going to change that. If it’s a ‘well it would be nice’ for her and a ‘not right now and I really don’t know how I will feel in the future’ for you, then talking about it gets it on the table and it’s not a deal breaker if it never happens, right?

Best of luck.

Ferns

hi i am married 53 but have always wanteda misstress to own me as their slave ,i dont know how to go about it though,its very risky looking on the web,please can you help me,i know i was born to be a sex slave and owned by a misstress thankyou

I’m sorry, but helping you figure out a low risk way to cheat on your wife is not a service I provide.

Ferns

Is a tease and denial encounter, where the dominant woman teases mercilessly and the submissive male is denied an orgasm, something that the woman can find pleasure in? I secretly want to be sent home completely frustrated, but want the woman to enjoy it. Congratulations on the public service you provide with your Q&As and Chronicles.
-Adam

Hello Adam,

Tease and denial is hugely hot for me, and for many other women. I’d venture a guess that it’s fairly common. So my answer is a resounding ‘YES!’ Just be clear that it’s one of the things you enjoy and find someone who enjoys it also.

Thank you for the congratulations on my public service-mindedness!

Ferns

I am a submissive older male. I am submissive to both men and women sexually. I was never with a man until about ten years ago. I became very submissive to him sexually, oral and anal. When I go out I don’t think about men at all only women . Confused is this normal for a submissive or shoud I pick one over the other?

Is it normal? Sure. People are complex, and not everyone is solidly heterosexual or homosexual. Lots of people are somewhere along the scale. There’s nothing abnormal about it, and I don’t think you have to pick one over the other.

You aren’t quite clear on whether the relationship with the man was MORE than just sexual (that is, whether it was a romantic, long term boyfriend-type relationship), but it sounds like it wasn’t. I’d take a guess that if you had to pick a label (which you don’t), it sounds like you are heteroflexible. That is, primary interested in heterosexual romantic relationships, but open to homosexual encounters.

I think the only thing you do need to work out is what your feelings mean for your future partner/s. For example, if you got involved with a man who thinks the relationship is going to ‘end in happily ever after’, but you don’t see yourself in a long term romantic relationship with a man, then it’s only fair that he knows this up-front.

Ferns

I just feel so isolated, sometimes. The notion that somewhere there is a woman who won’t think I’m a pervert for wanting to be obedient to her…
Where is she? Why can’t I ever find her?

I understand the feeling of isolation, but we ARE out there, and we will only think you are a pervert in a GOOD way! It probably doesn’t help much, but it’s not just you. Finding a compatible partner is just hard. I mean, I haven’t found one yet either.

As to your questions, I don’t know where she is and why you can’t find her… what have you tried? Have you tried dating sites? BDSM sites? Participating in online communities? Getting out into the local RL community?

It’s tough, but if you are hiding away and hoping she will find you by magic, then you are sabotaging yourself with inaction.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Ferns

I have a crush on you. I’m sure you already know it but I’m telling you all anonymous, and secretly and stuff… This way, you can guess which one of your hundreds of fans sent it. Almost fun… Right?

*smile* Hello anonymous crusher. *Do* I know it? *peers at you suspiciously*

I do love being crushed on, I think it’s the sweetest thing ever! Also, when I got up this morning all hangovered (is SO a word!) and awful, your secret confession in my inbox was my first smile of the day. So thank you for telling me all anonymous, and secretly and stuff… *glow*

And yes, much fun!

Ferns

I want to permanently mark my sub with a certain design. I want to do it so a tattoo will not work and I’d rather be more creative than a brand… any ideas?

Thanks,
Isis

Hello Isis,

Well, I’ve tried permanent markers and I can tell you with some confidence that *they aren’t permanent!!* I know, false advertising, right?!!

Other than tattoos and branding, the only other thing I can think of is cutting. You can do some beautiful designs, but since it’s scarification, I understand that it’s quite difficult to tell how it will look when healed.

Ferns

hi

Hi.

Ferns

You recently expressed frustration with seeing more women feeling like something is wrong with them if they do not respond in certain ways sexually such as not being able to come from PIV sex or multiple orgasms.
Why do you think this is becoming a trend? How would you advise these women to address those feelings? What in your life or why do you think you are so comfortable with your sexuality, for example was it the way you were raised?

Respectfully,
brattyboi

*smile* good one huh lol

Hello brattyboi,

I get really really frustrated when women are being told ALL THE TIME that there is something wrong with them physically or sexually when there’s not. There is a tiny narrow window that constitutes what some small minded people think of as ‘normal’, and if a woman isn’t ‘normal’, then she has to be ‘fixed’.

What is ‘normal’ changes all the time, of course. Right now it seems that ‘normal’ for a woman is to be skinny (natch!), have a hairless vulva with tiny labia, all in light pink, with a pale arsehole. She has to come from PIV sex, and not only that, she has to be multi-orgasmic (not one or two orgasms, but in the tens) and be able to squirt. She must love oral, but prefers PIV for orgasm.

If ANY of those things is not true, she had better find ways to ‘fix’ it because she is broken and wrong and probably undesirable.

It makes me all ragey!!! *waves fists wildly*

And it’s pervasive. And the messages get internalised to the point where women *believe* it, and then do it to themselves, or each other JUST as much as it’s being done TO them by men, the media, porn, whatever.

I don’t think there is one source of this. I think there are a gazillion sources, but I’m willing to put a big red cross on ‘the internet’ and easy access to dumb information. Images, opinions, idiots on the internet feed these ideas, and what you end up with is some clueless male or female genuinely asking, “I can’t come from PIV sex/can’t squirt/can’t have multiple orgasms/whatever”, how do I fix this?” and instead of respondents screaming “There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!!”, they all pipe up ‘helpfully’ with solutions to her ‘problem’.

I’d note that those ‘how do I fix it’ questions are VERY different from “I’d like to see if I can come from PIV sex… any ideas?” which is about exploration and is awesome. But most are not of that ilk.

As to how I got to where I am comfortable, I think a lack of access to these supposed norms is probably part of it to be honest. I had nothing to compare my experiences to, so there was no ‘scale of rightness’. Information is great, but it can create an environment of homogeneous sameness and a terrible pressure to fit some mould. I see prepubescent girls doing ‘Am I hot or not’ youtube videos. It hurts my heart that they are already seeking validation of that kind from virtual strangers when they should be outside playing frigging basketball or something. It emphasises the wrong things so early on in their lives.

And yes, that was a good one… *smile*.

Ferns

I’m a domme virgin – I have recently been discussing with a potential sub the possibility of having a full relationship. I am confused however by a few things and wanted an independent educated opinion.
Sub does not want to be punished and wishes only to serve and please however he fantasises about going against my wishes and when I advise as to what the appropriate correction to his behaviour will be he becomes aroused ?
Surely he should be working to avoid punishment ?
Mudge

Hello Mudge,

So your submissive says he doesn’t want to be punished, he doesn’t like it. But when you talk about him doing something wrong and you punishing him, it turns him on. I hope I got that right.

I’m going to ramble a bit.

Many people (doms and subs alike) like the fantasy of the sub being ‘naughty’ and getting ‘punished’. I tend to call that ‘funishment’, it’s not real punishment, it’s part of a BDSM game. There is nothing wrong with it if you both enjoy it. But you both have to agree that it’s play, and you both have to understand how it works between you.

For example, you can give him some impossible task that you don’t care about (like picking out all the yellow M&Ms from a bowl within x minutes) and he fails (as you knew he would). You then play the game where you get all stern at him, and put him over your knee for failing and for being a bad bad sub… tsk tsk! Play ensues, you both get turned on, yay! This game can be played many many ways, and it *can* be lots of fun.

There is a big grey area there also, where playful bratting fits, or mild resistance may play a part and he acts up to get ‘funishment’ and you both enjoy it. If you (both) want to play that way, then you have to also be clear where the line is and you have to be able to say to him “I’m not in the mood for this, stop it” or it can become a real problem.

As a note, a lot of people dislike that kind of play. They much prefer that if he wants a spanking, he just asks for one please. You need to figure out what YOU like.

Having explained all that, that’s very different from him being a real pain in the arse and expecting you to react with a fun punishment.

For example, if you ask him to meet you somewhere and he turns up half an hour late and thinks it’s cute and he will get a lovely spanking for it, then you have a problem, obviously. That’s not cute, and it’s not fun. That’s him being an inconsiderate jerk.

So, if you are planning to have a punishment dynamic (and it sounds like you are), then don’t confuse punishment (consequence for undesirable behaviour) with ‘funishment’ (play) and *make sure he doesn’t either*. If he really does something wrong that you want to genuinely punish him for, then have a plan for how you are going to handle it and use punishments that are not fun for him.

I suggest that after expressing your disappointment and him apologising, you try something like this:

  1. Talk about it to understand what went wrong (from the example above, why was he late? What happened?). Do NOT go all ‘domly’ on him because that’s hot for him (for example, unless a shouty “WHAT HAPPENED HERE, BOY?! is your normal behaviour, don’t do that or he will think it’s a game)
  2. Figure out together how he will avoid making the same mistake in future (alarm on his phone if he forgot, leave earlier if it was traffic or he got lost etc)
  3. Agree the solution together and ensure that there is no misunderstanding
  4. Dole out a punishment that fits (for lateness, I’d do something like have him turn up half an hour early next time we were meeting so HE can wait for me)
  5. Kisses and sweetness to signal that it’s done and finished with

So yes, you should be expecting him to obey (and thereby not get punished), so don’t make punishment into a game that is fun for him.

I wrote a piece on punishment that you might find useful. You will see in the comments that some submissives might get aroused simply by the fact that you have the *power* to punish and are exercising it. I really don’t care about that, to me that’s fine. The main thing is not to make it into a game so that he will think that disobeying is a fun idea.

Best of luck.

Ferns

what would you like me to write about my younger years in the matinee cinema

I feel as if this is a code I should understand…

“The red tulip sits on the dusty sill while the walrus sings an aria…” *winks*

Ferns

I am sub but often I wonder if it is really possible for a sub to be loved and respected by his/her dom ? how can someone be respected and humiliated/hurt/etc at the same time ?

Yes! It really IS possible. I promise.

I think one of the reasons that being around others in real life or in online spaces where real relationships are discussed is because you get to *see* and *verify* that these are people in ‘normal’, loving, happy relationships. This contrasts heavily with little snippets of play-time that you get to see prolifically *everywhere*, where play might include pain and humiliation and other terrible-wonderful things. You need to look beyond that to see how real relationships work (and they are all different), then you will learn and believe that many things are possible.

*How* is it possible? Because love, adoration, desire, affection, passion are expressed in many ways and if you are stuck in the mindset that BDSM activities are somehow ‘mean’ or ‘disrespectful’, then you will really struggle with it. Try to reframe this to think of BDSM activities as mutually pleasurable ways to show affection, to get aroused, to turn each other on, to explore vulnerability, to express passion. And all of that happens in a relationship where you love and respect each other. THEN you will start to get there.

So yes, Virginia, there *is* a Santa Claus *smile*.

hi
thank you so much for your advice ( young struggling submissive man ) .. i joined fetlife and am beginning too snoop around … I had another question though … this time about dommes … what is it like coming to terms with being a dominant (does being a woman make a difference to it)? i ask coz it just hit me the other day that if I have struggled so much with my own desire then it must be a real paradox for a dom … wanting to hurt the one you love, etc…

You’re most welcome for the advice!

Just to clarify, not all dominants are sadistic. Some enjoy service and sensual play rather than hurty things.

Re sadists in general, though, I actually imagine that on the whole male sadists have it much harder than females. I mean, imagine being a young man struggling with feelings of wanting to hurt women. That’s a really scary thing to feel and an almost impossible thing to say out loud because NOBODY is going to pat him on the head and say ‘That’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that…’ Most people will be scared that he’s just a violent person who can’t exercise control, and will probably tell him that it’s wrong and bad.

Either way, I think the difficulty of ‘coming to terms with yourself’ when you are not squarely in the middle of ‘normal’ varies per individual.

Personally, I never had any real issues with coming to terms with how I am because in my experience men LOVE women who know what they want and will ask for, and expect it, so I have been lucky to get positive validation for being that way. I do also love pain play, but it was never a driver for me, so I never had an internal struggle with some ‘drive to hurt him’. When I play with pain as part of relating to my submissive, it always feels like we are in it *together* (versus me ‘doing things to him’ (which I am, obviously)).

But if you ask 10 different people, you will get 10 different answers.

Ferns

Inquiring minds (eh, who are we kidding, its probably just me, and what can I say, I’m nosey) want to know… Did you loose all your domme street cred and koala bambi at the airport?

Wait… what? I have ‘domme street cred’?! I mean, I wear the propeller hat of domliness… is that what you mean?

‘Koala’ is a verb now? And yes, it was just like this?

I need to see a movie with playing with my husband with an anal toy

4min later…

how do I use A anal toy on my husband for the first time

The above two questions came in one after another, so I assume they were from the same person. I didn’t quite understand the first question, so I’m going with the second.

1. Lube, and lots of it
2. Make sure he’s aroused and relaxed, take your time
3. More lube
4. Start small: a finger (use latex gloves, ensure that you have no nail edges), talk to him
5. More lube
6. If he’s comfortable, try two fingers, then start with small toys
7. Lube, more more more
8. Experiment with angles and depths and size to see what feels good for him
9. Have fun!

A good link here with more detail if you want to try pegging.

This article has good information on the prostate in relation to anal play and pegging.

Ferns

I just love your blog … I am still quite young but have struggled with the idea of being a submissive man for too many years now … i am glad that i stumbled on this blog that doesn’t make me feel like a freak (a lot of bdsm blogs do that more than anything else)… but I still haven’t met a dominant partner and hence I still feel lonely and a bit like a loser ….i would really appreciate it if you could give me a bit of advice or something to read.

(sorry for being so mopey :P)

Hello there, and I’m glad you found something that you could relate to in my blog. I just want to give you a big hug! I’m so sorry you are struggling, please know that you aren’t alone in feeling a bit lost and lonely as a young man finding his way! If you haven’t seen it yet, I created this video *specifically* to celebrate the beauty of submissive men, which is not shouted about often enough or loud enough.

I know it’s not all that helpful, but it takes *everyone* a long time to find a compatible partner, so you aren’t alone there either. I mean, I’m single, and I’m amazing, so you know…

For reading, check out my blog list. None of the BDSMers there will make you feel like a freak, I promise. Specifically, have a look at Submissive in Seattle written by Peroxide, and Captain Andy, both are written by young submissive men.

Are you a member of Fetlife.com? It’s worth taking a look at to get a sense of community and know that you aren’t alone. Lots of good discussions there (also a lot of dross, but hey, it’s the internet!), and you can have a look what is happening in your local area also (even if you aren’t ready to venture out into the world just yet). I’m ‘Ferns’ there too, feel free to send me a friends request.

Ferns

I think I know how Joey felt when he found out that Chandler and Monica are dating:

[Cut to Fern’s room, She tackles Me onto her bed and tries to cover my mouth.]

Me: Ohhhhh!!!

Ferns: Yes. Yes. (Lets her up.)

Me: (To Ferns) You?! (To Bambi) And-and you?!

Ferns: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!

Me: How?! When?!

Bambi: It happened on the internets.

Me: The internets!!!

Bambi: The reason we didn’t tell anyone was because we didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

Me: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!

(They both grab her and stop her.)

Bambi: No-no-no! You can’t!

Ferns: Please?! We just don’t want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise you won’t tell.

(I think it over.)

Me: All right! Man, this is unbelievable! I mean, it’s great…

Ferns: I know, it’s great!

(She goes over and kisses Bambi)

Wishing you some fucking awesome chemistry, or should that be awesome fucking chemistry?!? Either way…

*laughs and laughs* I love this so much!! For anyone who missed the reference – so great!

Thank you for the good wishes, and both of those kinds of chemistry would be grand!

Also, NO TELLING!!!

Ferns

Hi Ferns!
You seem to conduct large parts of relationships via the interwebs (forgive me if this is not the case. Have you got any tips for keeping my online-only relationship with my Dom boyfriend alive sexually?
Thanks
Benedict

Hello Benedict!

I do conduct parts of my relationships via the internet: I meet all of my submissives online and I am the (reluctant!) queen of LDRs! So, I DO have experience with hot chat, phone sex and that sort of thing. I guess I *should* have some tips for remote sexually-orientated goodness, but I really don’t. The main reason is because it’s like asking for sex tips for *any* relationship, and things that work for one couple are irrelevant for another. Like if I say ‘humiliation’ and then give a whole bunch of ‘how to do that’ information, I don’t think that’s really going to be very helpful.

I suggest you do a search for ‘long distance’ on Fetlife – there are a few sizable groups that have stickies about assignments and things to do when you are apart etc.

Best of luck to you both.

Ferns

I’ve noticed a severe drought round these parts when it comes to shoe porn. Wait, that was a statement and not a question, so here goes: why no more porn woman? You still have feet, right? Feet that wear shoes. Shoes that you are depriving your readership of seeing. Bad Ferns. Shoes need to be shared.

You are an observant shoe porn connoisseur! There HAS been a shortage of shoe porn. The main reason for this is a dearth of new shoes *sad face*. I need a shoe benefactor! If you were any use at all you’d go find me one of those instead of complaining! I DO have at least two pairs to share that I haven’t taken shots of yet. It’s on my to-do list.

my god you are a funny women
I am going to make this page my no 1 favourite page
love reading your stuff !
expect lots of questions’ you may have to invoice me for your time lol

*laugh* Thank you for making this your no 1 favourite page! And you’re right, I AM fucking funny!! Especially with the chicken jokes!

oh if you want a volunteer to try out on bio

“smiles”

I am interpreting this as “I just read your Tantus Realdoe review and am not sure how to actually put a comment on the relevant post, so I am making an offer here for you to test out the product with me.”

Thank you for your offer, kind stranger. Be at my place on Saturday at 7. Bring cake.

oh I love it , for my mistress where do I buy one its perfect as to many strap ons are either to large or small with the wrong shape

resumeslave from cm

Aww, bless. Google is your friend: try a search!

As an Australian, were you affected by Steve Irwin’s death? How so?

Oh, what a strange question. And no, I wasn’t. Oddly, Steve Irwin wasn’t a big deal here like he was in the US. I don’t think his show/s even aired here. Many Australians (including me) considered him a bit of a cringeworthy embarrassment. Really well intentioned, but a caricature of an Australian with his over-the-top behaviour and emphatic use of colloquial language, bless ‘im. It was really only when he died that we realised how famous he was overseas, so it was kind of a surprise that his death was such a big deal.

Have you picked out an outfit for meeting him yet?

These questions are fun! And no, not really, though I will probably wear one of my favourite strappy summer dresses and these shoes.

What’s the first thing you want to do with Bambi when you get your hands on him?

*laugh* I love this question, so cute!!

The ‘first thing’ will be at the airport, and I want an all-encompassing, huge, breath-stealing hug where I will be going, “No, tighter… TIGHTER!” at him (I am imagining that this will be followed shortly thereafter by, “Nnnggghh… you’re…ugh… hurting… me!! *slap smack elbow*). I’m unwilling to speculate further than that because I really don’t know how we will feel when we see each other, but we have about an hour’s drive to see how we get on before I have him all to myself in my apartment… *rubs hands together with anticipatory glee*!!! And then… then…!!! Well, you will have to wait and see now, won’t you?

I have always adored dominant women but kept my desire secret. I guess I was just fortunate to meet and marry a dominant woman. She doesn’t know I like her dominant ways, I never let on but I just wish she was dominant in more ways than she is. I’m afraid to let on she thrills me that way. Maybe there’s some way I could sneak it to her slowly?

*smile* Well, you are one of the lucky ones, congratulations! I know people always go on about open and honest communication, but I totally understand that sometimes you think that is more likely to scare the hell out of someone and ruin everything versus actually improving things. Yes I know, heresy, bring in the hounds of hell and etc…!

If you aren’t doing it already, be verbally and non-verbally appreciative of her when she does the things you like. A sweet smile, maybe a kiss, and an “I really love it when you get all ordery with me…” as you run off to do her bidding… that sort of thing. And maybe introducing things lightly as a sweet-sexy game might help to see how it feels for both of you (‘slave for a day’, that sort of thing).

BUT of course that will only take you so far. If you want to really take bigger strides, you ARE going to have to talk to her about it. Stealthy submission will only take you so far.

Best of luck!

Ferns

Being new somewhat to the D/S idealism I have begun researching different sites. With me being a cross dressing male, I find that immediately I am steered toward being a sissy or femdom in some way or worse cuckold (for those who like it, have at it). While I seek a more compassionate and sensual dominate female as a desired partner. Someone who understands how to motivate through seductions and perhaps a lighter touch in discipline while still finding that delicious spark of leading and commanding.

Giving the number of cross dressing males and the submissive nature to many of the motivations behind cross dressing, I find the lack of examples baffling. This seems to be a rare combination, has this been your experience in the scene or is it just a matter of popularity?

Bridget

Hello Bridget,

*smile* Firstly, let me say that I can relate to your frustration. One of the reasons I started my blog was because I was amazed, disappointed, surprised, frustrated, and kind of incredulous that I couldn’t find any examples of my kind of D/s relationship represented ‘out there’. How was that even possible?!

Secondly, even if the kind of relationship you are interested in is not well represented, they ARE out there. I know that’s not helpful, really, but the issue is that the more specific you get, the harder it is to find that niche represented. There are plenty of sensual Dommes, and there are plenty of Dommes who like cross dressers. Finding the intersection is harder. Finding the intersection who are having the kind of relationship you can relate to is harder still.

As an example, I think sensual dominance is hugely popular and even with those who do lots of S&M in their relationships, it plays a part in every long term relationship I am aware of. But it’s not well represented ‘out there’ because it’s just not that interesting to talk about. I mean, I talk about kissing all the time. NOBODY on kink sites ever talks about kissing because… eh, what can you say about it (well, I can say plenty! but for most people, it’s a pretty conventional vanilla activity not worth talking about).

Most of what you see (in the community, at play parties, on forums, in discussions, on many blogs) is conventional BDSM stuff (primarily pain play) because it’s easy to demonstrate, easy to describe, it requires some skill, you can have workshops about it, it can be ‘edgy’, it’s fun to watch etc. The psychological aspects of a relationship, and the softer kinds of play are often too complex to talk about in sound bites, hard to demonstrate, and people just don’t find it as interesting to discuss in a BDSM context (consider how many times you see talk about caning vs talk about sensation play with a feather).

Also, I think cross dressing without sissification is hugely common, though I guess again that perhaps the extreme gets talked about more.

All this is a long winded way of saying that it’s not that it’s uncommon as much as it’s hard to find and I am no help to you whatsoever! It’s not a niche I have looked for so I have no handy list of resources or examples of the kind of relationship you want to see. I imagine you have searched broadly (did you check Fetlife for relevant groups also?), and I imagine that what came up internet-wise was a bunch of bad porn.

Sorry that’s not more helpful.

Ferns

I identify very strongly as submissive and really enjoy submission, but keeping my independence and having the right to choose the things in my life really matters to me. I am worried that these two things cannot coexist. Can you help?

-theo

Hello Theo,

They can totally coexist!

You have the right (and obligation) to define the boundaries of your submission before you get into a relationship. If you don’t want your partner to have any influence over certain parts of your life or your relationship, then talk about that and agree it up-front. If your potential partner disagrees, you are simply incompatible.

Some submissives only submit in the bedroom, and that’s perfectly fine. Some set the boundary at ‘inside the house only’. Some carve out portions of their life (career, finances, friends, family), but are happy for their dominant to have authority over everything else.

As long as you are clear about where the boundaries are and find someone for whom that works, it will work out fine.

Ferns

As someone who feels neither male nor female, and seriously does not jive with the whole feminine woman thing with regards to how I should approach a relationship with a man, I was wondering if you could help me on this.

I’ve always found vulnerable and sweet men incredibly attractive, more so that more domineering types. In your opinion, do I have a domme aspect to my sexuality, or is it just what my personality leads me to prefer?

– H

Hello H,

On the little you have said, I don’t see a dominant aspect to your sexuality. I consider dominance to be the desire to be in charge of your relationship in some way, so it’s about the interaction between you and your partner and how that works. It sounds to me like you have a preference for certain qualities in a partner and though ‘vulnerable and sweet’ are certainly qualities that I like in my submissive men, there are many vanilla men who have those qualities also.

Ferns

My husband and I switched roles from Master to slave to slave and Domme last year. I have to share that it’s been awesome and I love being a Domme and I sense he loves pleasing me as a slave.

The reason we switch after 10 years was because we were struggling with our roles, especially me. I had fears, frustration, and it was no longer serving me well to be a slave. My husband came up with the idea we switch and although I was not ure about it at first it was actually the best thing for us or has been until last night. After a day of play and some spanking we went out and had few cocktails.

By the end of the evening we were out of control arguing about what I don’t know anymore. He acted out over something I said which was misunderstood, etc….and I couldn’t calm him down. It was like the old us again and I hated it. I want to gain control of this situation and I want to have the confidence that I can and he will follow.

Last night I went to bed crying. This morning he did make the effort to follow through with his protocols that I have for him and so I know he is not giving up but I got to find some kind of resolution. It’s the first time we have hit this kind wall. Sure I could punish him, right? But I truly want him to understand that his behavior was out of control because it was. I don’t want to spank him for this either. I want something more powerful and I just wish I knew.

Any thoughts or suggestions? I appreciate your input.

Ugh, that sounds terrible. I’m so sorry you had that experience. Disagreements and arguments happen and need to be dealt with, and D/s doesn’t magically fix it. This stuff is complex, so the best I can do is tell you what I do.

Firstly I’d say that as the Domme, it’s my responsibility to manage things when they go wrong. Often I would rather just hide my head under a pillow and have a good rage and cry, but I can’t expect him to follow if I am not going to tackle the hard stuff and *lead*.

It’s been a few days since you asked this question, so maybe you have sorted it already, but initiating a (non-blamey) chat about what happened is important. Then an open discussion about what the two of you (together) are going to do about it to prevent it happening again. How could you (both) have avoided it or dealt with it better at the time? Come up with some strategies for next time it happens and agree to them. Maybe a time-out when it was getting heated would have helped? Maybe even a safeword to say ‘I am getting really angry/upset and need to stop for ten minutes (or an agreed amount of time)’. Take the lead in facing it and sorting it out. It will make you feel like you are actively managing your relationship and not sitting back and hoping it will get better.

I totally get where you are coming from with the idea that you have been shaken and you want to gain back that feeling of confidence in your dynamic. I agree with you that punishment is not going to do it. I really think you need to reaffirm with him that he wants this and that he agrees on how your relationship should work. It is not solely *your* job to shore up your confidence all on your own. What happened has shaken the dynamic and that takes two.

I wrote a post a while ago that is related in that it explains what I do when things don’t go right. It is specifically about when your submissive says ‘no’, but is also applicable if things are just ‘going wrong’. It might help.

Please remember that you are in this together. It’s a relationship, not a combat zone, and you are not mapping out a strategy to overpower an enemy and drag him along. You are mapping out a strategy *together* and travelling the road *together*, so come up with practical ways to do that gives you something concrete for handling something similar if it comes up again.

I wish you the best of luck, and if you feel like letting me know how it is going, I’d love to hear how you dealt with it.

Ferns

Hello Ferns,

I’m on FL and found your lovely blog from there. I am looking to continue with finding my power, and my dominate side. However, I have found myself in a situation where I feel like I have been manipulated due to my “newness” to this lifestyle.

So, if I am supposed to play and get to know me, and learn which I did learn alot from these 2 sessions. And, I’m grateful for this…I think this will give me a better opportunity later to notice it quicker.

Where does one really start looking for that partner – I do have a want/desire for the FLDD – not just the FLR but now where do I go – I’m still reading and of course – learning, but just a pointer in the right direction?

It seems that if you start the kink before the full relationship that might be backwards or can it turn both ways?

Thank you,
Christine (MSweetz)

Hello there, Christine. Welcome to my blog!

Congratulations on your explorations. There are a lot of different ways to learn and to find relationships, so it’s good that you are getting information from various sources. What might work for one person may be completely unsuitable for someone else.

One thing that is sometimes hard for newbies is to recognise that BDSM relationships are no different from vanilla relationships in terms of how you build them, whether it’s a long term romantic relationship (FLR, FLDD, D/s), a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement, or just friends. You need to do that work, and finding someone compatible is just HARD.

If your first experience was with a submissive you met and immediately played with, and he turned out to be a selfish manipulative arsehole, it’s no different from some vanilla guy you met in a pub, immediately had sex with, and he turned out to be a selfish manipulative arsehole. It takes *time* to get to know someone well, so while you *can* start with kink first, often the trappings of BDSM can hinder instead of help that process (that is, if he’s all ‘yes Mistress, no Mistress’, you aren’t really getting to know him as a person to judge whether he is a good match (or even a good person). They ALL seem like good matches when it’s all about play!).

If you want to learn play techniques safely (both emotionally and physically) now before you have a trusted partner of some sort, your local community is really the best way to go about it. You can meet people with different skills to learn from, and play in public spaces with people who are known. Low risk, high reward.

Finding relationships: Fetlife (join groups with your interests, participate, take note of men who interest you, send them a note), CollarMe (you will be contacted by a gazillion wankers there, but search, contact potentials), your local community (go out, get to know people).

P.S. I had to look up FLDD! Female Lead Domestic Discipline for others that don’t know it.

Ferns

I think about you a lot during the day, while I’m working, and your side of the world is quiet and asleep… And hoping that you’re having wonderful dreams.

*smile* Oh, what a lovely thing that is to hear. Thank you for thinking of me. Are you sending me sweet dreams?

Ferns

Well first thanks for the blog… Intelligent, funny, dominant and we know “has pretty hot right arm/bicep”… So in Texas we would say if your daddy owned a liquor store you’d be perfect…

So in a committed D/s relationship the dominant has a great deal of authority, but when getting to know her we are starting as just friends who are interested in seeing if there is any there there right? So how do you advance dominance and control AS you get to know each other? Or do you think it’s wait until you give all control? If that didn’t make complete sense I’ll gladly follow up….

michael

*smile* Thank you for the sweetness and the Texan compliment, michael!

Your question made perfect sense. It’s a good one.

Everyone is different (duh… I know that’s not useful). For me, there is a line that keeps someone from slipping into ‘just friends’. If they treat me platonically, like a ‘mate down the pub’, they become desexualised to me. It’s like I put their genitals in my pocket, never to be seen again.

So while I want to get to know someone, it is not really ‘as friends’, it is ‘as potential partners’. There’s a difference. The way it works for me is that there is *always* an undercurrent of flirtation if I am interested in someone, and that includes D/s flirting.

As I get *more* interested and want to express that interest, I start to itch to exert some dominance to see how it feels and to see how he reacts. I expect the complement from him: as he starts to feel more interest and affection and desire more strongly, I want to see him *offer* his submission in small ways to express that feeling.

So really, the D/s side develops organically as we get to know each other, and as we get closer, as interest, affection and desire build, the D/s part also grows.

Ferns

Mirror mirror, on the wall
Who is the fairest [male sub] of them all?

Why, you are, my dear, you are!

how do you go about finding a good D/s relationship? is it possible for one to evolve in a marriage? or should they only exist outside of marriage

People go about finding good D/s relationships in all sorts of ways. Me, I put myself out there on my blog, on BDSM sites (CM, Fetlife), I engage online with people in discussions, I participate in online communities, I contact submissive men who look interesting to me, I email and chat with those I think I might have a connection with, and sooner or later, I will inevitably find one who I click with.

Others go out into their local community (attend munches, parties, events) to socialise and hope that they hit it off with someone.

It’s not a lot different from finding any vanilla relationship, the main difference is that you have to be somehow connected to the communities where BDSM folks hang out. You *can* (and people do!) find someone out in the vanilla world and make it work, but it’s a lot more difficult to find people who might share your desire for a BDSM-type relationship.

It IS possible for D/s to evolve in a relationship. There are challenges if you are essentially trying to change the structure of your relationship, but it’s certainly possible. There are a lot of discussions on Fetlife about this. If you haven’t looked around there you should. Also, try reading ‘Uniquely Rika’, which is the closest to touching on how this might work.

A definitive NO to ‘should it only exist outside a marriage?’. It can, assuming you are poly and/or open with your partner and they are happy about you pursuing D/s outside of your marriage, but there is no ‘should’ there. My preference is to have my submissive be my primary romantic partner (i.e. my boyfriend/husband (if I was that way inclined)), but quite a few people have a primary vanilla relationship, with a D/s relationship outside of that. But having multiple relationships of any kind is a LOT of work, so if you go that route, don’t for one second assume that it will make anything easier.

do you think it is possible to be both dominant and a masochist?

Yes, absolutely. I know of quite a few dominant masochists.

Dominance is about authority and masochism is about sensation. Two very different things that can happily co-exist.

Ferns

I like to go back and read your old posts because sometimes, I just can’t get enough of you.

*smile* That is so lovely, thank you for giving my older posts some love.

Ferns

 

But I would be like Mr. Chips, or Good Will Hunting. I would leave a creative mark in my path..

*laugh* No doubt.

Ferns

 

Can you imagine the scandal created were they to make me a poetry teacher in a Catholic School? I’d be reading them Swinburne, Neruda, Bukowski! I wouldn’t last a single semester.
They *should* be reading those poets, also Paterson and Lawson, of course…

They *should*, of course!

Ferns

 

It’s over. I can’t communicate with a woman who doesn’t hear the sound of passion, who doesn’t know I’m different, who can’t hear the sound of the freight train as it passes.

This is terrible news. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. But next time, it will!!

Ferns

 

Dear Ferns, How do I put an image with my “zero2infinity” Domme Chonicles ID? I see some of your other fans with them, but can’t find any button to do this myself. Thank you. P.S. Will you compile your posts into book form one day? Hope so!

Create an account at gravatar.com and associate an email and an image with it – the image will show up on blog comments (all over the web) if you enter that email address.

“Will you compile your posts into book form one day? Hope so!”

*laugh* Thank you for the thought, and funny you should ask that. I am working on something. I will probably post some information about it soon *mysterious eyebrow waggle*.

Ferns

 

Do you garden?

I do not, I am lazy. Also, I have no garden, a fact which makes me quite happy.

Having said that, I did a short landscaping course so that I could strip back, plan, and plant an entirely new garden in my last house. It was a large block: I filled it with fabulous Australian natives, and put a deck out there. The end result was really pleasing.

Ferns

 

Then your tears would fall into my fingers, right there in front of Tuscany and everyone, and only you and I would truly understand. And I would be yours forevermore.

Oh, you are a poet AND a singer… *swoon*

Ferns

 

Dearest Ferns, I miss you. I’m sad that my schedule right now doesn’t give us much of an opportunity to talk. Not to mention the holidays. I had a dream last night where we competed on pogo sticks. You beat me with 217 hops. Congrats.

I am obviously the dream-pogo queen!!

I will keep popping up in your dreams and beating you at things until you have time to talk again.

I hope your holidays are wonderful!

Ferns

 

If I were the great Andrea Bocelli, I don’t think I could do you justice. And the frustrating past is that I wouldn’t even be able to see you.

*smile* Oh, you flatterer you.

I would let you run your fingertips gently over my face to feel if I was enjoying it.

Ferns

 

So, would you like to go on a karaoke date?

 *laugh* Are you asking me out?

No thank you, not even a little tiny bit. Do you have a better offer?

Oh wait… the exception is if you are a sexy, passionate, fabulous singer** and you are going to sing beautifully for and to me. If that’s the case, you are talking about something quite quite different…

** For the record, it doesn’t count if your mum told you so…

Ferns

 

I love to read your words. You move to the music of passion.

 *smile* That is so lovely! Thank you for the wonderful compliment.

Ferns

 

I posted a Domme profile on OkCupid and am inundated in responses. One line messages aside, many more boys wrote sincere notes than I could realistically consider. What would you message them, if anything, to say "thanks, but not now, if ever"?

 Here’s what I do:

The one liners: “Thanks, but I’m not interested. Best of luck.”

The sincere ones you aren’t interested in: “Thanks so much for your thoughtful email, but I don’t think that we will be compatible. I wish you the very best of luck finding what you are looking for.”

I hope it goes well for you.

Ferns

 

I have her phone number. I just don’t know what to say. What a dweeb!

 Awww… well you got her phone number, so yay you!!!

Why don’t you say something like:

“Hello /name/, it was so nice meeting you the other day/night/whatever. I was so nervous about making this phone call, I didn’t really know what to say… *assume some reassurance and sweetness here from her, maybe a laugh*.

I’d really love to take you out for a coffee to continue our conversation about matter/anti-matter/rat tails. How about Saturday morning?”

The WORST thing that can happen is that she says no. And honestly, if you don’t try, it’s the same outcome, except you will feel bad about yourself for being too shy/nervous to do it. If you DO try and she says no, you can proudly go “Hey, I gave it a shot. Go me!!” It’s no small thing and you *should* be proud. So go do it!!

And maybe, just maybe, she’ll say yes and it’ll be the best thing that ever happened to you!

I wish you the very best of luck.

Ferns

 

just met a guy who’s revealed his interest in Dommine’s type relationship. If we have not met yet, how can I dominate without scaring him off until I have a chance to see him in person to know how to handle him?

 You don’t say what your or his experience is, so I am going to assume it’s ‘none’ on both sides.

I’d advise you not to try and dominate him at all. Tell him you are interested in finding out about it with him (if you are), and tell him that you think it’s unwise to play at D/s before you’ve met (it is), and then spend the time getting to know him as a potential vanilla interest in the meantime.

If you have a romantic interest, then you might play a little bit with D/s flirting (lightly, so he can back out if he wants). Take a look at my recent post on this (don’t do any ‘advanced’ stuff, just see how it feels to flirt that way a little, if he picks it up, if it works as a natural dynamic).

I’d add that *some* submissive men will try and push you into things you aren’t ready for (yes, I know you are the dominant, but still), and if you feel pressured, tell him it’s not on, and that you will go at your own pace or not at all. If he says that makes you ‘not a real dominant’, you’ve unfortunately picked a loser and should cut him lose.

Best of luck!

Ferns

 

You could accost me…..I wouldn’ttell a soul!!

 *smile* I’ll keep that in mind…

Ferns

 

You WOULD make a great Mom! You would teach her to be strong and independent!

*smile* Thank you, but I really wouldn’t. I am much better as the favourite aunt who dispenses wisdom and treats and then disappears until next time…

Ferns

 

Plus is showing a hot woman the locals haven’t checked out previously!

I have no idea what you are saying to me, but the exclamation mark at the end implies it’s exciting!! So yay!

Ferns

 

What sorts of cheeses and charcuterie do you like?

Oooh… good question (not least because I actually had to look up ‘charcuterie’).

My favourite cheeses are camembert and brie, but I like a lot of relatively mild cheeses (whether soft or hard). I don’t like really serious, strong flavoured cheeses (the stinky ones or the blue veins), but I am mostly willing to give any cheese a try, because… cheese!

I’m not so big on prepared meats, but there are lots of titbits I like there. Good hams of different types, smooth creamy pate, spicy pepperoni or salami… yum!

Ferns

 

I have a slave boy who responds better to mental degradations. Any advise or comments are welcomed.

I am not sure quite what you mean by ‘mental degradations’, but my first question is, ‘Is that something that you enjoy?’ If not, don’t do it. It’s not for everyone.

If it is, then spend (a lot of) time talking to your slave boy to make sure you understand a) what that means exactly and b) how to hit those buttons without toppling over into the ‘oh noes it’s gone horribly wrong’ space.

Any kind of humiliation and degradation has the potential to go wrong, so you need to know him *very* well to ascertain where the line is and make sure not to cross it.

I know that’s kind of general, but any kind of humiliation or degradation play is *very* personal and individual-specific.

Ferns

 

What is your opinion of hosiery?

Hosiery is okay, but I wouldn’t fuck it or take it home to meet my family.

Ferns

 

wife booked beach vacation, should be happy but…this year I’m not thrilled. I can’t stop her. If I even mention it to her she’ll go longer, and tell me to be careful what I wish for. So what I need is a pep talk to keep on serving her..can you help??

I don’t think you need a pep talk from a stranger, I think you need to sit down with your wife and talk about it.

I know that’s boring and you probably wanted a ‘Look, boy, your wife deserves better than for you to be whining about her well deserved holiday, you should be HAPPY that she is asserting herself!’ or some such, but a good D/s relationship isn’t about one person needing to be buoyed up by strangers when they aren’t happy. That’s just glossing over a situation that really needs to be resolved.

If you can’t sit down and talk about how this makes you feel, then you have a communication issue and that is going to be a much bigger problem than this holiday.

I wish you the best of luck.

Ferns

 

Is being a Domme to a female the same as being a Domme to a male?

I really don’t know since I only dominate men, but I would think that *most* differences would be about the individual regardless of gender:their personality, their way of relating, their likes and dislikes etc.

Ferns

 

Do you believe in God?

No. I’m agnostic.

Ferns

 

I have no idea what you just said. The last time I "did" calves, we had mountain oysters for dinner.

Yes, that’s *exactly* what I meant!!

*slaughters more calves, eats their testicles…*

Nom nom…

Ferns

 

I’m in a mild flr. Every year my wife goes away on a beach vacation with her girl friends and i stay home with the kids. I have never been on a winter beach vacation with her. I know I should be happy for her and support her decision. She just booked

Oh, you ran into the character limit there. I think there was a ‘but’ coming here after ‘I should be happy for her’…

If you want to finish the thought, please go ahead.

Ferns

 

PRESENTS also left Tennessee this afternoon!

*beam* That is wonderfully exciting!!! Thank you! *bounce*

Ferns

 

How do you feel about Karaoke? What song would you choose to sing if you wanted to impress a potential sub on a Karaoke date?

Karaoke is an evil torture thought up by the Japanese to punish us for our poor sushi-making skills.

I would *never* go on a Karaoke date, what an appallingly terrible idea! If I wanted to impress a potential sub who thought that a Karaoke date was a good idea, I’d poke him in the eye with a sharp stick while saying ‘No… just, no” over and over again *poke poke poke*.

Ferns

 

Are you married? planning to be? kids? Do you have a job?

No, no, no, and yes, I sweep chimneys. Dirty work, but someone’s got to do it.

Ferns

 

Love to hear more about your relationship to pain. Do you consider yourself a sadist?

I don’t consider myself a sadist, no.

I’m not particularly interested in pain for its own sake. “I really want to hurt someone” is not how I operate.

My BDSM play is about intimacy, and how I create that intimacy depends on how we fit together, what buttons he has for me to press, and how I decide to press them. If he has a pain button, I’m happy to press it, but that doesn’t really make me a sadist (even if I’m good at it… ha!).

Ferns

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