Exhausted and angry

I’m tired of expecting people to do the right thing.

Even more, I’m tired of feeling like I can’t expect them to do the right thing.

It’s utterly exhausting and depressing to expect the worst of people.

I don’t want to. Truly I don’t. And I try really hard to keep it at bay, to hang onto that smiling wide-eyed optimism that I used to have in droves.

I think it makes me an uglier person when I let it in, that bone-wearying cynicism. It makes me feel like a lesser person, a weaker person. Walking around in the world being suspicious of people, of their words, of their intent, of their motives. It makes me feel like a small scaly creature that scuttles from shadow to shadow hissing at anything that comes close.

I don’t feel like that’s me. Not really.

But you know what, sometimes that’s exactly me.

I want to believe the best of people. Always.

But those times when I do that, and I’m let down over and again make me feel like I am foolish for trying. That sharp voice niggles in the back of my mind, chuckling quietly, going ‘I told you so’. And above all I feel foolish for having believed.

And I’m not going to talk politics because that’s not what I do here, but it feels like I am watching the world burn while I am mired in my petty issues.

It’s exhausting and I’m so tired.

Maybe we should just burn it all to the ground and start again.

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23 Comments

  1. Hugs Ferns.

    I can empathize with these feelings.

    My compromise is the “expect the worst but hope for the best” outlook, although I suppose that still makes me cynical.

    I do hope someone shares something beautiful with you soon. That can do wonders for healing this state.

    Take care, Ferns. You are special and amazing.

    -fs

    1. *smile* Thank you.

      It does make you somewhat cynical, yes. But I think that’s pretty realistic. I’m mostly like that also.

      But sometimes I work hard to cover all my bases and get to the point where I think it’s all good. I let myself relax and skip amongst rainbows and puppies. When I am let down after that, after I’ve done the work to have that faith, it’s a much harder blow to take.

      Then I get to ‘people are horrible and the world is burning’.

      Bah!

      Ferns

  2. I know we don’t really know each other, but if there’s anything that I could do to help, please let me know. If you ever need to vent, my inbox is always open to listen.

  3. I can totally relate to that feeling. When I had law enforcement authority, I could feel my mind becoming cynical and expecting the worst of everyone. It was the best way to catch violators and stay safe. But I did not like it at all. It taught me that law enforcement was not the career for me.

    But I totally resist the idea of “burning it all down. Totally understandable feeling when your frustrated and at whit’s end, but generally a poor choice in my experience. Oops, doing the problem solving thing, rather than the empathy thing, sorry.

    Hugs, things will get better.

    1. I think that is the trap: When you encounter things over and over it’s very difficult to avoid getting jaded and cynical. It’s actual *work*.

      And to be fair, I’ve been lucky. So really, I’m just a whiner :P.

      And thank you for the hugs, I appreciate it.

      Ferns

  4. Champagne and chocolates over here. Stat!
    Any sign on adorable masochist boys who can really kiss? Look harder damn you, Miss Ferns is well overdue. In fact find several and make sure they stammer when nervous and blush prettily

  5. “I’m tired of expecting people to do the right thing.
    Even more, I’m tired of feeling like I can’t expect them to do the right thing.
    It’s utterly exhausting and depressing to expect the worst of people.”

    I am all too familiar with this feeling. While in the main, I don’t think that people intend to do the wrong thing, it’s those very intentions that have paved the proverbial road to hell. More than just disappointment, it is the potential for chaos and instability that people can bring into my life that finds me a lot less willing to engage.

    For me, the main challenge is to not let disappointment and mistrust turn into anger. I’m still working on that.

    1. I think you are right: People (mostly!) aren’t ‘evil’.

      They (mostly!) aren’t villains rubbing their hands together with glee over their mean-spirited hurtful plots.

      They are (mostly!) selfish or thoughtless or careless or a bunch of other not-evil-but-ugly traits that end up in entirely predictable badness.

      So the outcome is (mostly!) still the same. Unfortunate, but true.

      Ferns

  6. “Maybe we should just burn it all to the ground and start again.”

    Never!

    The sacking of Rome; the burning of the library of Alexandria; the bonfires of books in Berlin (apologies for the alliteration).

    Starting again will not change human nature, it won’t change the need for you to have learned the lessons you have, and it won’t make it any easier for you to be happy in the world.

    Knowledge lost is never a good thing, and people can’t reset to a better a way of being even if you wish it.

    Probably the best example of this actually comes from your own country’s history!

  7. Maybe we should just burn it all to the ground and start again.

    I’ve been thinking this since I reached the age of rational thought; and the years since havn’t changed my viewpoint much. The world is often a completely fucked up place. People are often fucking awful. Ugh.

    1. I had that same epiphany in my twenties when doing some ‘good Samaritan’ thing resulted in me being burgled. It was an awful revelation to me that if I had not tried to help someone, it wouldn’t have happened.

      That was a VERY difficult lesson for me. A hateful one.

      I (mostly! <= typing that a lot all up in here) try to do the work to not end up at the bottom of some hole full of mistrust and anger, but sometimes, you know what? I'm just too tired and they can all go fuck themselves.Ferns

  8. I feel your pain, Ferns. I’ve found myself thinking very similar thoughts, especially over the last year. I’m a scientist, so I find myself trying desperately to rationalize the insanity I see all around me. I don’t know if it’s our age (l’m close to you in age) , and that’s just how people start to view the world once they’ve seen enough (too much? not enough? ) of it. (I hope not.) Or, maybe it’s just this disillusioning dynamic that we are currently seeing all around the world — the rampant, unbridled, unashamed hatred, bigotry and intolerance of anyone different than oneself. It is so incredibly discouraging when you find a lifelong friend, or even aquaintance, that is unashamed of sharing their hatred of others publicly in forums like facebook. I have lost respect for many that I formerly thought of as “friends” and now will always hesitate to think of them as anything other than passing acquaintances.

    Anyway, you’re not alone in feeling the way you do.

    I am going to leave this note on a positive (sort of…) – you do express the painful, ugly, cynical feelings that many of us relate to, in a refreshingly beautiful way!

    1. “I am going to leave this note on a positive (sort of…) – you do express the painful, ugly, cynical feelings that many of us relate to, in a refreshingly beautiful way!”

      *smile* That was a lovely positive ending and I thank you sincerely for it.

      Ferns

    1. I shall make a good bigly fire and it will be the best fire because I am good at fires.

      And all the things will burn. BURN I TELL YOU!! (pretty sure that was in the Bible so you know it’s true)

      Ferns

      1. I laughed so hard at this bravo Ferns! All you needed to add and all the subbies who failed me will pay for it
        Coug

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