Reader Q&A: Letting your guard down, being badmouthed

 

In this episode of ‘Ferns does Q&A’, we have the following:

  • How can I learn to let my guard down?
  • The elusive ‘good femdom porn’…
  • Play ideas?
  • Reader loveliness: thank you!
  • Being badmouthed by an ex
  • Sydney University!

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it, though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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Hello dear readers,

And welcome to my podcast. I haven’t done one of these for AAAGGGEESS and if I was like a proper serious blogger and podcaster I’d apologise for that, but I’m not, sooooo, I guess you get what you’re given…

My goodness, I haven’t done a Q&A since July. JULY!

Of course I expect all of the older questions I’ve been asked have long been resolved by now. I hope so anyway.

Right, let’s get to it…

hello….so im am completely new to BDSM. I am 22 year old female and I have a domme. I have no experience not even with another female and im extremely rebellious but I want to learn how to let my guard down enough to where I could be a better submissive…..do you have any advice

I do, of course. I don’t really think that you ‘learn’ how to let your guard down. I think that your guard will come down as you start to trust her.

So my advice is this: Take your time, read lots, if you are sociable get out into your local community, choose scene friends (online or in real life) well. And this is all so that you get some input outside of your relationship. Your Domme shouldn’t be the only source of information for you. The wider the better.

Inside of your relationship, talk to your Domme, let her know what your concerns are, if you have ideas on how she can help you to feel safe enough to let your guard down, then talk to her about those things also. Give her a chance to prove to you that letting your guard down and doing what she wants in your dynamic are things that will work well both for you and for the relationship.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hi there Ferns

I would really like some advice.

My Goddess whom I sincerely appreciate and worship so very much has asked me to source some femdom videos for her pleasure. She wants videos that have been produced to appeal to a dominant sadistic woman. She wants to see hot good lucking guys get humiliated and tortured and does not want to see a hot young girl that are there to satisfy male masturbatory fantasies.

I have searched and have found nothing :-( Please let me know if you have any advice as to where I can find such material if it exist at all.

Thank you very much
Michael

Hello Michael,

I find most femdom porn unappealing so I don’t go looking for it. Perhaps my readers can point you to some gems, but I’m afraid I really don’t know.

Good luck with that though!

I am in a relationship with a submissive male, which by default makes me dominant. I had never considered this as my primary role before, but am enjoying myself much more than I expected. The only problem is that when he tells me I can do anything to him that I want to do, I’m at a loss for ideas. We’ve been switching for some time now, but we are to the point of really exploring his submissiveness. Where do I get ideas for ways we can play?

I’m not sure that makes you dominant by default, but that being as it may, if you are looking for play ideas google ‘bdsm checklist‘. Find one that allows you both to rate the activities on a scale. Many have pages and pages of activities.

Each of you fills it out, then you start with the ones you both think are hot as fuck and go from there.

Another idea is for him to write out (realistic) fantasies for you which might give you ideas from which to pick things. This is great for getting a sense of how he wants to feel vs things he wants to do. And while those two things can be related, sometimes they’re not. Like pegging, say: there are many many ways that someone might want to feel from it.

I hope it goes well.

Ferns,

I genuinely enjoy you [*laugh* thank you]. Your writing is always so thoughtful and helpful.

In your last Q&A podcast, you said something along the lines of, “I don’t know if this is as helpful as my writings because I think much more about what to write.” I personally prefer your podcast format. You just can’t write the tone and inflection that comes across in you podcasts.

I’m not sure if this is good or bad, but to me you sound much better in your more candid Q&A podcasts than in your passage readings (such as The Couch, NaNo snippet, etc). You just sound more happy, seductive, fun, and real.

I’m on the other side of the world, so we’ll likely never meet, but I just had to let you know that I think that you’re awesome.

I hope that you are doing incredibly well,

Some_Guy27

Hello Some_Guy27,

What a sweet thing to write, thank you so much! I’m glad you enjoyed the podcasts and get something out of them.

And yes, the Q&A type audio is a much different beast from a reading. Much more like having a conversation (with myself, like a crazy person… heh, and I make myself laugh like a crazy person also).

I really appreciate you taking the time to drop me such a lovely note.

Why are dominant women so intelligent? A beautiful and intelligent woman is irresistible.

Because we are all required to be tested for intelligence and if someone doesn’t pass, they get kicked out and the cabal takes back your Domme card. I mean, we gotta have standards, amirite?! Amirite?! Mmhmm…

definite YES to strapon for #birthdaynude. please?

sub_in_South Africa

Hello sub_in_South Africa,

Just for you…

Dear Ferns,

I haven’t written you in ages!

Unfortunately I come to you as a woman burned.

I have for the last four years been attempting to build a lifestyle, I have not been successful. I always end up evaluating My own behavior and attempting to see what I missed. This last boy would have been My ” true first” and despite attempting in always to communicate and remain assertive, it failed. In silence.

He then went on a spree about Me on Fetlife! My name is ruined and I’m still in the early years! My heart hurts and I feel I have no one else to speak about this with. I am no longer a member and have pretty much shut myself away. At least for awhile. He is well known by a few people I know and they have shunned Me. What do I do..?

Hello there,

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

I’m not quite sure if you also emailed me, but I got a very similar note to this in my email, so if it wasn’t you, unfortunately you can rest assured that you aren’t the only one. Sad, but true.

I do think that D/s makes us more vulnerable to terribleness from partners (on BOTH sides of the slash) because of the nature of it. When people are angry and hurt they can react in terrible ways.

There isn’t a lot you can do about it either. You can be the bigger person and offer (sincerely) to talk to him about it and try and to sort it out (with an impartial party present to mediate, NOT on your own with just the two of you). Now if he is hell bent on just telling lies about you, and he is doing that on purpose because he’s a nasty nasty person vs because he’s angry and hurt and genuinely feels wronged somehow, that’s the last thing he will want to do.

Hopefully wherever you are is big enough that you can ignore and avoid him, block him everywhere you can, don’t engage at all, act with the same integrity and honesty that you always have, don’t bad-mouth him and don’t retaliate.

Those who know you or get to know you, and who are privy to his stories, will see soon enough that it just isn’t true. If he is gathering some kind of huge group of support ‘against you’ which is an awful awful high schoolish type thing, then my advice is STILL the same. If people ask you about it, just say that it isn’t true, but that you have had a bad breakup and aren’t interested in engaging in discussions about him. Be kind about him, always. Don’t do anything to ‘hit back’ if you know what I mean. Even when it’s hard and you’re angry.

Hopefully you’ve got some outlet even if it’s online friends that you can rant and vent to and give voice to your feelings, or maybe even just write it out for yourself in a journal, somewhere just to get it out of your head.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It’s unfair and awful and I really hope you can get through it.

I’m sending positive thoughts.

The next ask that came through is in Norwegian. I’m going to read it anyway. I’d like to apologise to any Norwegian people who hear this and are horrified.

Jeg då fin profil på fetlife og liker din dom stil.
Og din kropp mmmmm. Mye felles glede i den….
Per

*laugh* I’ll bet if you ARE Norwegian you were just going ‘what the hell was that?!’. You can have a look in the transcript if you want to try and translate it…

Well thank you, my Norwegian friend!

Does Sydney University do anything nowadays except ceaselessly monitor and analyse kinky profiles on the internet? Also what is it that they’re learning now in their 40th month that they didn’t already figure out in the previous 39?

I believe this is their primary activity, and has been for many many years. I don’t expect their focus to change any time soon. I mean the published papers that have come out of it have been… oh wait… hmmmm…

HEY SYDNEY UNIVERSITY, WHERE ARE ALL THOSE PUBLISHED PAPERS CONTAINING ALL THE KINKY PHOTOS AND A GAZILLION PAGES OF DROSS FROM PEOPLE’S PROFILES HUH, HUH?!

I wrote a piece on those Sydney University warnings. Still makes me laugh

I don’t really have a question quite yet.

If you don’t mind my saying: a person could absolutely fall in love with you solely through your words.

Hmm.. that sounds bad yet I didn’t delete the comment.. it’s a true statement but I am not proclaiming my love.. *ahem* anyway…

I have to admit, it is nice to read about your dates with your “prey”, however, it leaves me with an odd feeling of jealousy. I was finished reading the posts with a smile then suddenly, the green monster crept up my back and whispered silly things into my ear.

I would like the opportunity to get to know you better. If this pleases you then I would be honored.

Thank you for your time.

Well hello sweet anonymous asker person,

I will say (because this is after the fact) that the writer did actually send me an email with a return address on it in order to get to know me better outside of the seductive words on my blog.

And… so yeah… we have been emailing… somewhat.

So good on you, sweet anonymous asker person.

Alright, I’m going to call it there, that’s nearly 20 minutes. There are more questions, but because I’ve been so slow I’m going to save them for another post rather than do a huge 40 minutes. How big is your appetite anyway?

This way you can have a 20 minute block, have a little rest, go get a drink, go to the toilet *laugh*, have some wine, and then you can come back for the rest.

And if you want to ask me a question, you can go to my blog and there’s an Ask Me page there. And I really appreciate your questions even though I am horrendously slow at responding to them.

I will probably put the second part up very shortly. So until then, dear readers… I’ll speak to you later.

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13 Comments

  1. That voice Ferns…
    i feel all giddy now, and you don’t do girls anymore… ;-)
    I feel comfortable enough to speak for others and myself, trust me, we really would not mind 40 minutes of your voice. Or 3 hours… Or…

    1. Maralah, I feel you! “i feel all giddy now, and you don’t do girls anymore… ;-)” I’ve been gasping over her not doing girls anymore for a very long time haha

      Ferns, gorgeous, you shouldn’t be shocked at all. You have an amazing talent for painting images through your words. And yes, like everyone else has said…that voice! Ugh! lol

      Respectfully,
      Mysticlez

      1. @Mystliclez: Aw, thank you.

        I always come away from audio posts thinking ‘OMG, rambling much?! Geez! Get to the point already!’ I’m glad it comes across okay.

        And thank you for the voice compliment *smile*.

        Ferns

  2. Jeg då fin profil på fetlife og liker din dom stil.

    I saw your profile on fetlife and like your dom style.

    Og din kropp mmmmm.

    And your body mmmmmm

    Mye felles glede i den….

    lots of common/shared pleasure/joy (to be had) in it

    Per

      1. I’m not Per :)

        I feel a little guilty ruining the mystery of his romantic words, but I guess all is justified in the pursuit of knowledge. Now in case someone desperately needs to try and impress a Norwegian domme they have something to work with.

        The pronunciation was pretty good, better than most English speakers get on their first try, maybe something to do with your knowledge of Dutch? I thought I heard some of that.

        Some of the sounds are a little off though, Norwegian is a really sing-songy language, lots of ups and downs in the tone on the vowels. Very hard to infer just from text. Plus it’s got those roll-y Rs.

        Good effort though! It was far from a catastrophe, I didn’t even have to look at the transcript to translate it.

        1. Oh! I thought you signed off as ‘Per’, but you were still *quoting*. Got it.

          Well, there really was no mystery: you know Google translate is a thing, right? *smile*.

          And I’ll take ‘far from a catastrophe’ as a big compliment, thank you.

          Ferns

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