For me, distance is a practical problem: A logistical and financial hurdle for a relationship, not a show stopper.
The must-have for it to grow, though, is communication that works extraordinarily well from afar. And by that I don’t mean ‘being able to string articulate sentences together’, I mean ‘being able to reach out in a way that fires me up, that punches my heart with its power’. And vice versa. That’s a big call, of course. It’s like the remote version of chemistry, impossible to quantify, but I know it when I feel it.
I sometimes wonder if I wouldn’t actually do better at partnering with the buffer of distance between us. Intense weeks of crazy-hot togetherness, and then time in between to build that anticipation again. It sounds completely doable, but I’ve been there and I know that it will make me feel desolate over time. Alone and lonely and sad.
Still, the idea of no real demands on my social energy in a day to day sense makes my inner-introvert sigh with happy relief. Though I’ve almost forgotten that when I connect with someone, really connect, they no longer drain me. In fact, they replenish and fill me up and I can’t get enough of them.
Either way, the trade-off with distance is the complete lack of physical contact between visits. Not just play and sex (though there is that), but all the things that build intimacy. Him kneeling at my feet, leisurely kissing on the couch, an evening flirting over fine food, glancing touches in passing, going out and sharing experiences, lingering looks that speak of love in the midst of the mundane. All of that and more.
I’ve tried to start something over distance a number of times now, and only one ever worked out. Until it didn’t. That one, though, was pure intense and ridiculous joy: it made all the other tries worthwhile. Totally 100% worth it.
So how far away is ‘too far’?
For me there’s no such thing as ‘too far’ if we connect in a way that works and there’s an actionable plan to resolve the distance over time. Perhaps I’m a hopeless romantic after all. A cynical and jaded hopeless romantic.