Reader Q&A: Food things, ghosting & teletubbies [audio]

 

In this episode of ‘Ferns does Q&A’, we have the following:

  • What is your star sign?
  • Teletubbies question :P
  • What do you think of ‘Steak and Blowjob’ day [on re-listening, I hate how I just went along with the premise that ‘Valentines Day is for the ladieeezzz’: This is what happens when I do the talking thing and can’t edit!]
  • Have you tried sploshing?
  • Alternative food-related  label to replace ‘vanilla’
  • Maaaaaaaaaaatt Daaaaaaamon!!
  • Women on vanilla dating sites: what the fuck?
  • Do you like spicy foods?
  • Last cookie on earth: What would Ferns do?!
  • Have you ever fantasised about eating off a submissive?
  • What does YMMV mean on a pro-domme’s site?
  • Ghosting… ugh :(
  • Is my youth and inexperience responsible for my failures?
  • Zen closer

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

Full transcript after the jump.

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Hello dear readers,

I’m trying this new thing now where I have my recording software going [Audacity] and I have Google Docs open to transcribe it at the same time. I have no idea how it’s going to go, but I’m going to see, so good luck to us. The tricky thing is that I also have to move to my email where I have the questions for the Q&A that I’m going to talk about. So we’ll see how that goes… um… I have already discovered that Google Docs doesn’t like it when I alt-TAB to another application so we’ll see.

I also have a glass of wine it’s a New Zealand Pinot Gris for anyone who’s interested.

And I have quite a few questions to get to so I’m going to get to them.

I still don’t have any theme music I still really feel like I need some intro music, you know, but I’m much too slack to go and look for any that is public domain so if you are bored one day and you want to go and find some intro music for this little podcast [laugh] I’d love to hear it.

Ok, let’s see how we go.

What is your star sign?

Ok the first question is ‘what is your star sign’. If you’re any kind of stalker at all you’ll be able to figure that out already because I post nudes on my birthday. My birthday is 24th of July and I’m a Leo.

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Have you ever held a TV in front of your belly and pretended to be a Teletubby?

[laugh] The next question is ‘have you ever held a TV in front of your belly and pretended to be a Teletubby?’ [laugh]. That is a great great question and no I have not and if I had a little television I would totally be doing that now, but I don’t… which is now a disappointment to me.

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What do you think of the male equivalent of Valentine’s Day March 14th steak and blowjob day?

You know what I think, I mean, who cares right because it’s fun and people think it’s hilarious but if I’m going to be serious for a moment, I think it’s like people saying well if you need a ‘women’s day’ then you need a ‘men’s day’ because you know it’s not like every day is men’s day…

I think it… I don’t know I’m on a superficial level: whatever. On a socio-political level I think it’s stupid. It’s like people who say ‘well I don’t know why you need black pride day. You know now we need white pride day’. And you can fuck off.

Oh [laugh]… I have just seen that Google Docs does not like it when I swear, so it recorded ‘fuck off’ as ‘f-asterix-asterix-asterix’. That’s hilarious.

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‘have you ever tried sploshing before?’

Alright next question ‘have you ever tried sploshing before?’

I have not. Um… I want to look that up now just to make sure I’ve got it right but for the listeners, and because if I have to look it up I have to stop recording and I have to stop transcribing and I have to change my email program and it’s all a bit too much… um it’s playing with food like in a serious way. Where you (and I don’t think it even has to be food does it? You can splosh in non-food things) where you just cover your body, or your partner’s body, in stuff. Maybe it’s food maybe it’s mud, maybe it’s whatever and it’s very messy and you would really need to have a dedicated space for that.

No I’ve never tried it. I can see that it would be fun. I’m not, I’m not sure I’d find it particularly hot, but I can imagine it would be fun.

There is a (related really but not)… I saw an advertisement ages ago for a type of… um… I want to call it lube, but it was specifically for full body massage and it’s really thick and really gloopy and what it’s really for is sploshing play with this really slippery-slidey lubey stuff, And that looked fun because the texture of it, I imagine, is like a thick baby oil and I can imagine it would be body safe, and you know, it’d be getting in all of your orifices and it would be fabulous. But I imagine that would be fun so I can, so I can see the appeal of it.

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The next one says:

Vanilla gets a very bad name. Why of all the different types of flavours do people pick on it to call it bland or boring? Vanilla ice cream is awesome, it’s great in puddings and is a great flavour in cocktails. If you had to give use another taste or ingredient as a label to describe non kinky things what would it be?

Well that’s a good question. I would choose choko [laugh]. Which is a very obscure vegetable that my mother, coming from Dutch Indonesian colonies, she would cook quite a bit of Indonesian foods, and one of them was gado gado which is actually quite nice. With vegetables and egg with satay (peanut sauce). But one of the things she always used to include was choko and it literally tastes like nothing, but just a little bit unpleasant [laugh].

So if I was going to choose one I would choose choko because it is probably the most bland vegetable ever but a little bit worse than boring.

And I want to be clear that I don’t actually think vanilla is boring at all. I don’t think it’s boring or it’s bland. I think I understand why people want to say ‘well I don’t just want vanilla’ and understand what they mean by that, but I don’t think it’s equivalent to saying that vanilla is bland or boring.

Unless you strike someone who’s doing the ‘Oh, kink is so much more evolved than vanilla’, which is, I don’t know, kinda stupid really…

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[laugh] I swear people are now just sending things to my asks to make me laugh, which I love thank you so much. This one literally just says ‘Maaaaaaaaaaatt Daaaaaaamon’ [laugh]. And yes, it did make me laugh. Thank you.

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Next one:

OK, so you’ve been talking about vanilla dating sites recently and I’m badly needing a lady perspective here [well that’s me because I’m a ladeee…].

It seems a huge number of women write profiles like:

“Loving my life and living each day to the full, looking for positives in every situation, random acts of kindness, appreciate the opportunities of each new day.”

Question: What is the correct response to this other than “I now declare you Miss Oklahoma”? [laugh]. Should it be ignored altogether, should the person be ignored, should I stop thinking to myself ” What the fuck??” considering how frequently this happens?

You’d be doing me a great favour if you could help clear up this mystery.

Well dear vanilla-dating-site-guy,

I got nothin’. I really have nothing. I think… I think maybe people write things that they think are going to have wide appeal, you know, things that they think, ah, say something important about them but don’t actually tell you anything about them. I find that very interesting.

I find a typical thing with the men on dating sites is they say ‘I’m just your average guy’ and I think… I don’t know how that’s supposed to be appealing. Why? Why would you think that that would be appealing? It’s very strange.

Anyway I’ve got nothing so I can’t help you out here.

But I would say don’t comment on it because it’s meaningless drivel, and if they have other things in their profile and they’ve got interesting pictures and their Q&A is really good if there is at that sort of feature on that site, then contact them anyway. ‘Cause they could be really nice… and they are living each day to the full and you gotta get a piece of that [laugh].

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Next one:

Do you like spicy food? If so what is your favourite spicy food?

I do, I love spicy food. I… the only herb or spice in my rack (not that I have a rack but in my pantry) that I ever run out of is chilli flakes. Love it, But I don’t cook so it shows how much I’m using chilli even though I don’t cook. Um and sriracha sauce with everything.

Favourite spicy food: oh, a good curry… like a really good curry and they’re hard to find. I like a green… green chicken curry. Thai, yum! But anything is better… well not anything but most foods, are better if you put some chilli in them. That’s what I think.

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If you had the last cookie on earth what would you do with it [laugh]? I would share it with the cookie monster and then help him switch to custard creams

So this is interesting to me because in Australia we don’t call them cookies, really, except when we’re catering to Americans. We call them biscuits or bikkies. And you’re implying by your answer on what you’d do with it that cookies do not have cream in them… That once they’ve got cream in them they’re not a cookie anymore. That’s not how it works here.

Like bikkies or biscuits cover the whole range… So whether they’ve got cream in them or not, if I had the last one there would be no custard creams for anybody.

What would I do with it? I’d eat it! What sort of question is that? ‘Course I’d eat it.

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Ever fantasised about serving food on a naked (clean) sub?

Um… no I haven’t.

I don’t… I don’t have anything against it but it doesn’t particularly do much for me. Using him as a table I can see…

Putting food on him, there’s a temperature issue because if you put cold food food on him it’s going to get warm very quickly. And if you put hot food on him then it’s got to be in a bowl, in which case you’re not really using his body at all. So yeah it’s a little bit tricky if you get to the mechanics of it.

The only thing that I’ve seen people do in an erotic way at some… on TV actually, on Sex in the City, and I saw it at a club, was sushi. I guess I can see, you know, fruit: strawberries or cut up pieces of fruit, pineapple that sort of thing.

But no I have not fantasised about it. Not that I won’t do it at some stage if the fancy takes me but it’s not a fantasy.

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Hello
am a sub and its my first time meeting this mistress in my town we have arranged a session next week… [oops sorry, that was a couple of weeks ago now: I hope it went okay] and I saw in her website a category of activities, kinks called ‘YMMV’ which included kissing and golden showers. And for the first time I wanted to try a golden shower but I just don’t know what she meant by YMMV?

OK I’m going to be honest with you I have no idea what that means in that context ‘cause YMMV usually means ‘Your Mileage Might Vary’ and the context it’s normally used in is when you express an opinion, and you’re essentially saying this may not be applicable to you. You know: My opinion is mine and you might have a different opinion so ‘Your Mileage May Vary’.

As a kink category I have absolutely zero idea what it means, but if she’s got golden showers listed and you want golden showers you can ask for it. But as always with all of these things if you, if someone communicates something that you don’t understand you have to really go to them and ask them because someone else might have a very different idea of what it means.

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So… I’m a new mistress, and I found a sub who seemed like a good fit. Had a couple of encounters, one private, one simple errand. We were texting about bigger adventures next time. Then he suddenly ghosts. Yeah yeah…. everyone ghosts in this world, not just subs. But that is kinda a deal breaker with a D/s I would think. I am assuming he just didn’t like me, and couldn’t say it because he is a sub and wandered off? How can I possibly establish a rapport in a dynamic that by definition one person can’t express their needs? Yeah yeah, that sounds like all men actually…

Well… I can tell that you’re frustrated and I do not blame you one bit. You are right that *people* ghost… random people males, females, vanilla, kinky, doesn’t matter. Lots of people ghost.

I… Since you’re new I do have some advice for you, and it’s kind of difficult to give this advice because I don’t want it to sound like it’s your fault: It’s not your fault.

But ghosting is a funny thing… I think I’ve probably ghosted on quite a few people because I didn’t feel there was anything that I was ghosting on, you know what I mean?

But in this case you met up and you had an in-person play session(?) or something I guess… um you said ‘a private encounter’ and I’m not quite sure what that means, but here’s the thing: People who are going to disappear on you are going to disappear, but you have a much better chance of minimising that if you take your time with them.

So if you think they’re worth investing in and you are investing your time and energy into them, then take the time to establish some sort of relationship with them before you jump into the D/s stuff. And the reason I say that is because people, whoever they are (whether they’re male, female, sub, Dom, vanilla, kinky) are much less likely to just disappear on someone they know and like than (and I’m putting this in air quotes) “a mistress” who they haven’t really ‘seen’ as a real person if you know what I mean.

So in a lot of cases, they don’t even… they don’t even think that you would care or that you would be hurt or that you would think was unusual… they just think nothing of it. They think ‘Oh, I’m just one of many and she won’t even notice, probably, that I’m gone therefore it doesn’t matter, she’s not a real person anyway’.

And you’re right you cannot build a relationship with someone who is unreliable, and figuring out if someone is reliable or trustworthy or is going to do what they say they will, all that sort of stuff, just takes time. And you have to invest that time in them before you can trust them to, you know, be that person.

So yeah my advice is take your time and it will happen less. If you jump into D/s stuff straight off the bat then they’re much more likely to just ghost if they decide they’re not interested or if they get scared or if, you know, if any one of a million things happens. They will often get in touch with someone who they consider a friend and someone who they know, when they will not often not get in touch with someone who is just ‘random woman’ or ‘random man’.

Anyway I’m sorry that that happened to you, that sucks :(.

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The next one is a little bit along the same lines. This writer said:

I’ve been exploring. It’s not easy. It’s unbelievably sucky how complicated meeting someone willing and able to give and receive all I demand and offer. I catch myself wondering too often if it is my inexperience and young age that’s causing my failures. Thank you for your blog, it is somewhat comforting to know that it’s really all part of the parcel.

I feel for you, I do, and you are a hundred percent right that it’s complicated and it’s difficult.
I’ve been single for quite a while now and I’m experienced and I know what I want, and I think that can also make things more complicated perhaps because I’m not as… open to all opportunities because I know what works and what doesn’t for me.

I assume you’re a young dominant woman and I do think that inexperience is not your friend because… not least because it’s a lot harder then to pick people who are a good match for you. And you will have failures. Even in the vanilla world nobody nobody hits the jackpot first time, right? You have a string of relationships that fail, and the best outcome is that you learn something each time, and the next time you choose better, you do better, you are more giving or forgiving, or you are better listener, or you’re better at keeping your own boundaries, or all of those things. You just get better at it as you have experience.

But everyone goes through those failures and the worst thing is if you don’t learn from them, so as long as you’re learning from them it’s not really a failure. I know that sounds trite but I think it’s true.

So I’m glad you’re finding something useful in my blog and that you haven’t given up. But trust me you’re not the only one: it’s complicated and it’s hard and I really hope you get there.

I wish you a lot of luck.

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This one is really ‘Zen’, I love it.

The more I read your blog, the more I realise the journey I travel is within me. Thank you.

How lovely is that?! Thank you so much anonymous writer, I appreciate that and I… yeah, I appreciate it a lot. Thank you.

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And that’s the end of the Q&A.

Thank you so much to the people who trusted me enough to send in their questions. I do enjoy them very much even though I’m terrible at getting back to them.

And if you do have a question I will leave a link to my ‘Ask Me’ page at the bottom of this post, and if you’re listening to this (I was going to say ‘reading this’…) if you’re listening to this um, from a podcast, you can just go to my blog and there’s a link there to my ‘Ask me’ page, and you can ask me whatever you like I’ll do my best to answer the questions that you ask.

So till next time…

[imagine closing theme music here…]

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it: even if I’m slow, I WILL get back to you! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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10 Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing this with us, Ferns.
    I really enjoy your sense of humor and reading your insights on the various topics.

    Take care.

    1. Hee! You’re so very welcome!

      The ‘transcribe-while-recording’ wasn’t perfect (it doesn’t insert ANY punctuation or breaks so it’s a frigging HUGE wall ‘o text for a start), but it was pretty bloody good.

      I just need to find a transcription slave to tidy it up next time.

      Ferns

  2. I really love these audio posts! Great questions and answers, a lovely (non-accented) voice, and the best laugh EVA!

    I would also eat the last bikkie in the world if I had it!… Assuming, of course, that it was a Tim Tam

  3. Thankyou Miss Ferns for (finally) answering my vanilla dating site question. So wonderful to hear your voice and even more wonderful to hear your laugh at my “Miss Oklahoma” remark.

    And yes, it really is drivel or at least the “wide appeal” they’re going for seems to be the appeal to other women. Just like “just an average guy” is a virtual cry for help for other male companionship. Maybe the whole heterosexuality thing just doesn’t work and is best forgotten.

    As for your final advice: “and they are living each day to the full and you gotta get a piece of that”

    Respectfully, f**k you Miss Ferns you beautiful, mesmerizing, utterly perfect creature.

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