Q&A: Are dominant women sexually attracted to submissive men?

Question (paraphrased from the ‘Submissive men and the women who love them’ Fetlife group):

 Are dominant women even sexually attracted to submissive men? They never talk about BDSM as if they are.

Answer:
Dominant women (or even ‘most women’) don’t shout about their interest in sexytimes all over the internet or talk about it with strangers because it attracts creepy inappropriate behaviour from men who think any woman who expresses an interest in sex will want to have sex with HIM.

ANY woman who publicly states that she loves sex, that she’s in the BDSM for sex, that men’s bodies make her hot etc etc is going to be inundated with creepy dudes who will (of course) think:

“THAT MEANS SHE WANTS TO HAVE ALL THE SEXY SEX WITH ME AND LOOK AT MY COCK AND SHE WILL FILL MY INBOX WITH SEXTING AND GET ME OFF AND BOY THAT MAKES ME HARD AND HERE I AM STRANGE LADY DO THE SEX WITH ME BECAUSE I AM A MAN AND YOU LIKE MEN AND YOU LIKE SEX PICK MEEEEE!!”

And you know what? We get that crap even if we DON’T publicly talk about how much we like sex, how attractive we think beautiful men are, how turned on we get about x y or z.

So:

  1. Women talk about how much they like sex with men whose kit they want to get off, men who they desire, desperately and madly and with passionate and reckless abandon.
  2. If she’s not talking to you about it, THAT’S NOT YOU PAL.
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16 Comments

    1. Yep, though some of those scammers are really nasty-smart, so there are definite categories of dupes (that is, not all of them are just horny dudes who get what they deserve because they’re all sticking their dicks in women’s faces).

      Ferns

    1. *laugh* I know, there are SO many assumptions behind my response (which is why I specified where the question came from, to try and give some relevant context).

      Please mentally add all the caveats (heterosexual, D/s romantic, has sex with submissives etc etc…). Kthxbai.

      Ferns

    1. I think what irks me about a lot of these questions is that if the asker did a bit of reading, research, looking around, he would SEE it.

      But instead he goes to a group of dominant women and says ‘most of you mustn’t exist because you haven’t presented yourselves in a way that I found sexually relevant!’ It’s very hard not to get pissed off at that.

      Ferns

  1. Bleh. Permit me to disagree a bit.

    The fact is many dominant women who are ‘able to do it’ but in it for the money often aren’t very attracted or even attracted at all to submissive men in a sexual way. And even women who are natural dommes sexually often recoil at either very sexually inexperienced submissive men or those who lack confidence or -sometimes in addition – a muscular body, a large income or great power in the ‘non-domestic’ world. While there are some women who do indeed desire men who truly live only to serve them, who have little ego, or heck, who merely like to really emotionally and physically abuse men (which means all men should watch out, submissive or not) such women are a distinct minority. Any look at how female subs and male subs are treated at fetish events should tell you that male subs are very much second class citizens within much of the community. Better to be a male switch(like me), or a male Dom (despite the inevitable feminist howls) when it comes to attracting women.

    And here’s the thing: many boys/young men DO NOT KNOW this in part because they are actively lied to by much of society about what women want and in part because hell -guess what? – to my knowledge there aren’t even any ‘dating coaches’ SPECIFICALLY for submissive men because I think male submissiveness is attractive to a very distinct minority of women.

    1. I don’t understand how what you are saying pertains to what I was talking about or what you are disagreeing with exactly.

      I didn’t at all say that all women or all dominant women find submissive men sexually attractive (which is what you seem to be making an argument against).

      I was explaining why ‘dude who asked that question’ wasn’t seeing ANY evidence of that desire even where it DOES exist.

      I can see that you are unhappy with the state of male submission in society and in the BDSM community, and I can see from your other comment where that’s coming from. I agree that there are a lot of social issues around gender constructs and traditional masculinity and F/m that are particularly tough for submissive men: I’ve not said or implied otherwise in this post so I’m not sure what you’re disagreeing with here.

      Ferns

      1. Well, your answer to the question seemed to be that :
        Yes , women (possibly most women or at least most dominant women including pros as you never specified) are sexually attracted to submissive men but they never talk about it or show it any of their videos or in most of their interviews because they’d get attention they do not want.

        I don’t think that is taking your argument the wrong way.
        My argument is that it is worse than that and most women simply aren’t attracted to submissive men of any type -including quite a few of the ‘pros’ – and that the ones who are attracted often have many unexplained extra factors that they add on to the submissive template. Nothing wrong with the extra factors of course, but many submissive men will never grok onto that fact, and often some will stumble trying to engage along the way.

        One of the reasons females get unwanted attention (and there is never going to be zero chance of that esp so long as males are forced to do 90 percent of all initiating) is probably men trying to play confident and either not doing it very successfully or playing a numbers game. After all YOU didn’t like so and so’s approach and maybe even most dominant women wouldn’t like so and so’s approach but unless he is super obnoxious or threatening provided he does not give up , he will probably find the one Domme in 100 or 1000 that is attracted to that approach.

        Anyway, I appreciate your thoughtful response. One reason I do read your blog is that you usually combine empathy with thought :)

  2. You literally have no idea how confused and ashamed I was of my submissive sexuality when I was in my late teens or early to mid 20’s, and honestly when I gathered the courage and begin to get experience (without hardly ANY help mind you, plus the internet was new in the mid 90’s) I had lots of pain (some of it due to bitches or jerks, some self-inflicted due to ignorance) to go through. And remember,this stuff is in addition to the normal sexual script. Heck, being shy and nerdy I didn’t even get my first kiss until I was 20 or 21. It’s quite different (better in most ways I dare say but I know worse in others) being a popular or pretty girl or a man or woman with ‘normal’ sexuality when you are those ages esp if you get no guidance whatsoever.

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