Erasing history

Sometimes I feel like all of my history needs to be erased. It feels too heavy to carry around, even though there is nothing hefty in it. No bags of leaden hate or fury. No suitcases full of regret or sadness. None of that.

And yet it still feels like I carry too much with me, colouring the world with it in a way that makes me feel like I’m trudging through a swamp of treacle. Dragging dead weight behind me for no good reason.

Oddly the weight is often comprised of sweetness and love. Those things that were once so light they floated, full of rich swirling colour and beauty. The remnants still live back there behind me, flitting into my peripheral vision now and then and skipping away. They gain power with time in a lot of ways. Instead of floating away on the wind, they force stakes into the ground, throw a lasso around me, and hold me to them with a strength that belies their soft tenderness.

I would like you to come to me with flashing knives and the will and strength to cut them loose, a presence that makes glancing back at them feel like a waste. I want to be filled with so much of now that the past becomes an irrelevance. Not really to feel like all of the moments before this one were spent waiting for this one, but close, I want it to be so very close to that.

Where are you? Come and find me.

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11 Comments

  1. I started to say I know how you feel but that’s not right. I think I know how you feel or I at least know how I feel about the topic.

    Like you, I have very few bad memories about relationships. Even the worst of them taught me something I needed to learn.

    They are a weight though. In some respects the memories make me less willing to do the work and take the risks that were needed to create them and that’s a sad thing. In addition, I find myself interpreting situations and people based on past interactions (generally the negative parts).

    I would not give up my memories for anything and yet at times I wish I could wash them away and look at the future with the bright optimism that most of us started the journey with.

  2. Oh Feelrns, I so wish for this for you as well. Each time you write about a possible partner I hold my breath. It certainly seems you’re overdue for love and passion at the very least. And though I know exactly the kind of baggage of which you speak I’m still glad it’s that kind and not the other. xx Hy

    1. I am absolutely overdue!

      And for any I talk about there are those that never get far enough to make far enough to mention here.

      I have a niggling fear that the weight I’m carrying makes me too apathetic to put the work in over and over because it will never be the kind of ‘right’ I’m looking for. So maybe I’m just skuppering myself. Ugh.

      Thank you for your kind thoughts. I hope the same for you also.

      Ferns

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