I got this question in my Asks and it was a really good one, so I wanted to devote a post to it.
Read your most recent post on the Texan. May I ask why you refer to him or other men like him as “boy”? Perhaps it is a reflection of my age, but no adult male I knew would hear this word in any other way than an insult. Is this something the two of you discussed before hand? Is it not hard to relate to him as an adult when your name for him is “boy”? Thank you.
These are such a great questions, thank you for asking them.
Firstly I want to say two things:
- I completely understand your perspective. It’s similar to my reaction to being called ‘girl’ or being referred to collectively with other women as ‘girls’. I find it patronising and disrespectful and entirely inappropriate.
- I do not address submissive men I don’t know as ‘boy’ and I do not refer to submissive men collectively as ‘boys’** in a non-personal context EXACTLY for the reasons above.
** I want to explain this further because a simple search will show that I have used ‘boy’ and ‘boys’ in quite a few places here on the blog.
In a BDSM context, the terms ‘boy/s’ and ‘girl/s’ have a place where they fit beautifully. Not for everyone and not all the time, but in the right circumstance.
I use ‘boy/s’ in a variety of ways (ref: search for ‘boy’ on my blog):
- I called my last submissive ‘my boy‘ here on the blog, and I literally called him ‘boy’ when I spoke to him, as in “Come here, boy.“
- I refer to particular individuals as ‘a boy’ sometimes when I’m talking about them as in “I’m meeting a cute boy“..
- My category for pictures of beautiful submissive men is called ‘photo – pretty boys‘.
- I sometimes use it collectively to refer to submissive men as a group in a personal way, as in “boys with sex voices“
There is nuance in determining when it’s okay to use it, and when it’s not: for me, when it’s personal or I’m talking subjectively about the kinds of things that resonate with me, I’ll often use ‘boy’. The term *makes* it personal, it speaks of affection and sweetness and desire. So I’ll use it if I think it expresses that more clearly.
Do I ask before I refer to someone here as a ‘boy’?
No, I don’t (and just to clarify: there’s a difference between ‘referring to’ and ‘addressing’: I do NOT addresss the sex-voiced Texan as ‘boy’).
My first post about the sex-voice Texan was entitled ‘Boys with sex voices‘ and I went on to talk about that voice (phew!). I did not discuss it with him, but I used it affectionately, and I knew him well enough to know that he would like it.
Mostly when I refer to ‘boys’, I either know them, I have interacted with them in some way, or I am talking about how I relate to submissive men in a personal way, and it’s the *personal* nature of it makes me feel like ‘boys’ is more fitting. It brings them closer to me.
Do I ask before I *address* someone as ‘boy’?
Again, no. If I’m addressing him as boy, then that’s a pretty big deal: I am being super personal with him and know him well enough to be sure that he’ll think it’s sweet and intimate and special, which is how I intend it. I don’t EVER address random submissive men as ‘boy’. That’s very personal for me.
Now back to ‘why’ I use it.
In a D/s context, it’s a way of being sweet, or of acknowledging or reinforcing the dynamic.
So when I refer to submissive men as ‘boys’, I’m more often than not talking about them in a subjective and personal way as they relate to me: “the boys I like”, “I talked to a sweet boy today…” etc.
And when I address my submissive as ‘boy’, I’m saying “I see you, I’m acknowledging our dynamic, and THIS is who you are to me”. It’s intimate in the same way it’s intimate when he addresses me as ‘Ma’am’. Those words deliver a little thrill of the dynamic very simply. And if I say ‘good boy’, it’s like that on steroids. And no, I do not at all have any trouble relating to him as an adult when I call him that.
Things I DON’T do (because it’s completely the wrong context):
- Address a man I don’t know as ‘boy’ just because he identifies as submissive
- Address a group of submissive men I don’t know as ‘boys’
- Refer to submissive men as ‘boys’ in discussions or on forums (i.e. in a non-personal context)
I find all of those disrespectful and inappropriate.