Twice

Twice I have had men in my life say to me that they couldn’t come and see me.

Twice they were remote from me and there was an unspoken agreement that they would visit when they had the chance. In each case, it was a big trip, a long trip, but a given. It was what we did, what we needed to do.

Twice they used similar words, strange to hear them tripping out of different mouths.

Twice it signalled the end in neon so bright I couldn’t ignore it, even if I had wanted to.

“Oh, I was planning to do something else over summer.”

Summer it was, both times. They had plans for the summer, not immutable plans, but plans nevertheless.

I heard the truth in those words more plainly than anything else they could have said to me.

I understood the reality: I was not worth it anymore.*

I doubt they realised quite how clearly and harshly the meaning of their words drove home.

The first time I was angry, I raged in disbelief, he capitulated, backtracked, apologised. But I wasn’t angry to make him capitulate. I was angry at the simple truth I discovered in it, I wasn’t interested in changing his mind.

The second time I was relieved, it sliced my heart with razor-sharp precision right in that place that hadn’t quite accepted that we were over. Relieved because I needed that cut to truly believe that we were done.

I can be thankful in hindsight for those moments of clarity where the irrefutable truth slips in sideways, but you recognise it anyway. It removes that doubt, that second guessing, that what-if.

But hell if it doesn’t hurt like a bitch.

—-

* That sentence in this post by rupi kaur brought these memories forth.

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8 Comments

  1. First, I could never see you not being worth it. However, I do understand. You’re right it does hurt like a bitch! But the closure does help some in the long run so you aren’t guessing and wondering what if.

    Respectfully,
    Mysticlez218

    1. “First, I could never see you not being worth it.”

      I know, right?! :P

      “the closure does help some in the long run so you aren’t guessing and wondering what if”

      Yes, exactly. I think there is doubt in a lot of breakups (‘have I done the right thing’, ‘should we try again’ etc), which is why so many don’t ‘take’ the first time. But moments like those make it abundantly clear that it’s the right thing.

      Ferns

  2. “I understood the reality: I was not worth it anymore.*”

    Been there. That one cuts straight to the heart. It’s a curtain dropping on a final act. You can feel it coming. But denial in your heart keeps the truth at bay until that line drops the curtain. There is relief, but also sorrow that needs to be walked through.

    Not worth it anymore…cuts deep. Makes you wonder…”What changed?”

    ~Vista

    1. “That one cuts straight to the heart.”

      Yes. I’m sorry you’ve been there also.

      In both of those cases, there were complicated things going on, and I was trying to navigate it as best I could, to understand, to fix. There was talk and more talk, but it took that clear ‘you are no longer my priority’ statement to punch me in the face and bring home the truth.

      Ouch.

      “Makes you wonder…”What changed?””

      I know in both of those cases, distance was an issue, made everything more difficult, less sustainable, all that. After a while, distance doesn’t make the heart grow fonder, it just makes you sad and lonely and tired and then one day, the scale tips, and it’s just not worth it any more. I really don’t know if that’s ALL it was, but I know that was a big factor, and probably a convenient, less painful one to blame.

      Ferns

  3. I don’t really have anything to add. Just going through the same thing right now, and even when it isn’t anybody’s fault, that moment of “I was a priority and then I wasn’t”…. Hell if it doesn’t hurt like a bitch. The brain understands, but the heart refuses to.

    1. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve seen some of your painful posts :(. Heartbreaking.

      The value in that revelation for me was that before I heard those words, I was logically and reasonably framing what was going on in different ways, which might well have been parts of the truth, but which didn’t give me that full body-shock of ‘oh god!’ understanding that brought home that *fundamental truth* that was underneath all of the logic and reasons and explanations and everything else.

      And as devastatingly hurtful as that truth was, it made my heart catch up with my head, if you know what I mean. Before that moment, I was blaming circumstance and barriers and necessary life choices and a whole bunch of other things, but then, BAM: there was that truth.

      I wish you the best in moving forward. Breakups suck so very hard. Sending positive thoughts your way.

      Ferns

  4. I’ve been there. Have we all? It seems so sometimes. I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t make friends or lovers easily. So when I’m suddenly (or not so suddenly, but I didn’t notice) not worth it any more… Shattering. I hate that anyone has to go through it. But at least it separates the wheat from the chaff.

    1. I think maybe we do all go through this. It’s easily arguable that all breakups are about this *smile*.

      I think with these two times, there wasn’t anything clearly ‘wrong’, it was just a kind of ‘having trouble making plans’ or ‘difficulty touching base’ sort of thing that I thought could be resolved, and those seemingly gentle statements were the light bulb that made me realise that all the rest was just window dressing.

      Ferns

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