Reader Q&A: Risk taking, safe words & nurturing doms

I sometimes shy away from publishing posts that are quite personal. I read and re-read them and tweak and re-tweak them, but in truth what I am doing is stalling while I psyche myself into it. Strange that it should still feel difficult sometimes, even after so long.

So thank you to those who submit questions on my Ask page. You give me an excuse to gently sidestep.

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Hello again, Ferns! And thanks for answering! XD

Since my last question there has been some changes: my “bro” (let’s just call him that) broke up with his girlfriend, apparently because they never truly liked each other. I never get to sit down and talk to her about “that”.

I love him, in a way, and I can’t help wanting us to be more intimate. I mean, he’s single now!! But after reading your post about your first, I realise that perhaps I’m not ready to be that intimate with him. To bare my deepest desires to him sounds romantic and all, but it takes a lot of courage as well.

I… I guess I’ll wait and see. I just hope I won’t end up waiting too long and missing the beat.

*sigh* Hugs from
Maria <3

Hello again Maria!

Thank you for coming back with an update.

I’m sorry I scared you with my stories about my First. But here’s the thing: at some point you will want to take that step and possibly you will fuck it up and definitely you will make mistakes, but when you look back on your life, imagine the regret of not giving it a go when you had the chance. I was much more cautious about your last scenario because it was much more complex.

Now you only have you and him and what sounds like a tight bond (even if it’s platonic at the moment), so it’s a lot less fraught. And you are 100% right: it’s scary and it takes courage to open up to someone, but sometimes you just have to jump and trust that even if it doesn’t work out, you will be okay. And you will have learnt things. And you will have been brave. No small things.

*laugh* I sound like I’m trying to convince you: I’m really not. Only you know what you can handle, what it’s worth, what the cost of failure is.

Best of luck to you both.

Ferns

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Have you ever considered adding a widget that shows your local time to the sidebar?

Signed,
Too Lazy to Do Math

Hello Too Lazy to Do Math,

I like this question very much because it makes me wonder WHY. How is it relevant to anything?? I mean, it’s not like this is a real time synchronous medium… *laugh*. Baffling.

And no, I haven’t ever considered that. And won’t. Math is good for you!

Also Google. You’re welcome!

Ferns

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I just finished your story of your First’s piercing. On the second needle he asked you not to do it. You did anyway. Were none of the words he used designated safe words? In your relationships do you allow safe words or do you believe only the dome decides when enough is enough? Thank you for considering my question.

This is a great and right question. I’m surprised no-one asked this in the comments.

He had a safe word, yes, and no, he didn’t use it.

That was the first time I trusted him to use it if he needed to. Prior to that, I had always stopped whatever we were doing at the very first sign of resistance, and I would often see the disappointment in his eyes when I did that. Prior to that moment, I didn’t have the confidence in myself to judge it correctly and I didn’t have the confidence in him to safe word if he needed to. So pushing into that zone where I trusted both of us to navigate it for the first time was huge for me.

Ferns

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Hi Ferns, something you wrote in your most recent post left me wondering if you’re likely to ever write something on different styles of bdsm relationships? Everything you write is super informative so… I’d just really love to know your thoughts, basically, if you ever want to share them :)

Hello there,

Thank you so much for the lovely compliment *smile*. Now I’m wondering what I wrote that prompted this question… hmmm…

My only experience is with the kind of BDSM relationship I prefer (where my submissive is my monogamous romantic partner), so I’m unlikely to talk much about other kinds. I do have opinions about them (because I have opinions about most things!), so am happy to pontificate when I’m asked a question: if you are interested in something in particular, please do feel free to throw it my way.

Ferns

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Hi, me again – I sent a question asking if you’d ever consider writing about different types of bdsm relationship. I mean it would be amazing if you did, but I’ve realised what I would have been hoping to see in print (because I couldn’t put my finger on it) and it’s that – I guess in contrast to you – although I’m more on the dominant side of the spectrum I get a definite kick doing things for other people…it seems it’s usually expected to be the sub doing things for the dom.. so, I’m just wondering if you know whether the reverse is more common than I think, and whether there’s a succinct/recognised way of expressing it? Thankyou :) :)

Hello you again *smile*,

I’m so glad you came back AND DID EXACTLY WHAT I ASKED YOU TO DO BEFORE I EVEN POSTED THE THING ASKING YOU TO DO THAT (I was writing this Q&A as the questions came in, and I only *just* answered your previous question this morning)! Serendipity!!

And gosh yes! Care-taking by dominants is really common. I suspect it’s MORE common in M/f dynamics than F/m, but I think I can keep my theories about gender norms to myself in this instance.

I think some kind of mix is MOST common with the spectrum running from ‘pure’ service orientated (the D/s dynamic revolves specifically around what the submissive does for the dominant) to mommy/daddy dynamic at the other end (the focus for the dominant is on nurturing and looking after the submissive in all ways).

A mommy/daddy dynamic doesn’t necessarily mean age play either, to be clear. I mean, it might, but for many who identify with it, it’s more that they are the one who ‘looks after’ their submissive in many of the ways that a parent might look after a child (guiding and nurturing them, ensuring they look after themselves, cooking for them, planning activities, organising their stuff, indulging them when it feels right etc).

I’m not sure there is a good term for it if mommy/daddy doesn’t quite fit what you mean, though. I’d be tempted to use the term ‘care-taking’, but I just made that up, so nobody will know what it means *smile*.

But yeah, if you get a kick out of doing things for other people, and I can totally see why you experience that as dominance, then I don’t think you are an outlier at all. I’d say it’s pretty common.

Ferns

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it: even if I’m slow, I WILL get back to you! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so it’s all secret squirrel business…

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