My sent emails XLV

I actually answered a personal ad by a local man that I happened across on Craigslist because it made me laugh.

I didn’t keep a copy, but it read something like this:

“This weekend I’m planning to rob a bank, steal a boat, then fake my own death.
I need a lady accomplice. Must be able to make sandwiches and have a sexy attitude.
We will escape to a private island where we will have our monkey butlers serve us pina coladas.
Are you in?”

___

Subject: Robbing a bank, stealing a boat, faking a death

I’m in. I assume you have it all meticulously planned already as otherwise ‘this weekend’ seems a little ambitious.

I can make a decent sandwich (no more than two fillings though, I don’t like to overcommit in this area), though I have less of a sexy attitude and more of a ‘fuck you’ attitude which I think will stand us in good stead when we are robbing the bank. I have found that yelling ‘GIVE ME THE FUCKING MONEY!’ works much better than standing around fluttering my eyelashes and flashing a bit of thigh in the robbery game. The monkey butlers would respond well to it also: those suckers need to be kept in line.

Also, I would like to dress up as Tony Abbot for the robbery: I hope that fits in with your plans for if blame is to be laid for stealing people’s money, that seems entirely appropriate. More demands: the boat must be a super yacht, and the fake death must rival horror movies in scale and amount of blood required for the special effects.

Where is this private island? Because no offence, but I have my standards.

___

I got this reply and nothing more:

“The best reply yet”

___

Well, oookaaay then.

Maybe he used up all his funny-delightful in the ad and had nothing left.

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12 Comments

    1. I know! I’m fucking funny!

      I was looking forward to an exchange of delightful silliness with someone who has an original sense of humour and some imagination. Who knows where it might have led. Oh well.

      OR… maybe he WAS Tony Abbot and I freaked him out… dum dum dum dummmmm…

      Ferns

  1. Obviously he has no sense of humour after all. I would have matched your offer to wear red speedos on the outside of your suit by dressing up as Christine Lagarde, but warned that the private island is off the coast of Newfoundland, so you had better pack your parka and ice picks. At least there will be plenty of ice for the pina coladas, but the monkeys might be a bit grumpy.

    1. No sense of humour, or perhaps that ad was the total sum of his A-game, took him days and days to write, and he had nothing clever or original left (not even kidding).

      I would have matched your offer to wear red speedos on the outside of your suit by dressing up as Christine Lagarde, but warned that the private island is off the coast of Newfoundland, so you had better pack your parka and ice picks.

      *laugh* Newfoundland would be our first argument… I mean really, what were you thinking? :P

      Ferns

      1. Well, obviously, the police hunt is going to be all over the tropical islands, particularly seeing as Christine Lagarde likes her tan. Nobody will think of looking off Newfoundland! Moreover, penguins are cute! Oh, did I mention it is the IMF that we are robbing? My disguise is to make it look like an inside job!

    1. Yeah, disappointing is right.

      Maybe he expected me to do all the work in instigating conversation in response to his 4 word reply. Who knows.

      Ferns

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