Reader Q&A: PIV sex, showing affection, young female dominants

I thought I would be mining all of my reader asks during November, but I have quite a few still hiding in my inbox: Thank you for them.

So here we go (wow, this got long…)!

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Hi I am a new Domme and have two online male subs. Both are married and they wifes know about it. One his wife sometimes joins in. He begged me to be his Domme. I am not sure how to this. What work and what does not work. I do want them to be safe and happy. One sub sends me his picutes and has a webcam. He is really into this

Hi there,

I’m always a little confused by women who say “I have a submissive, now what do I do?”

I understand inexperience and I understanding not knowing things, but it seems to me that figuring out some basics BEFORE you get yourself some subs rather than after would be a much better approach.

That being as it may, the first question I have for you is “What do you want out of this? What’s hot and fun and worthwhile in this online D/s arrangement for you?”

Figure that out, then talk to your subs about it. If they’re interested and they consent to do those things for you, then have them do those things.

If you genuinely don’t know, then I’ll hazard a guess that the answer is ‘to please my subs’ in which case, you ask them what they want and you deliver that. The term for that is ‘service topping’ and it can be great fun for all concerned.

Good luck!

Ferns

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What have you found that you like the best about living at the beach?

What a sweet question, thank you for it *smile*.

I like the potential of it. I thought I would go to the beach every day when I lived here: turns out I don’t. But I like being able to see the sea, I enjoy hearing the waves from my apartment, and I love that I CAN go to the beach and swim in the ocean any time I want.

Ferns

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Dear Ferns,

Im buying toys! Yay! I still haven’t met anyone special but I thought ” hey it’s on sale ” so I’ve purchased a lovely titanium collar and cuffs set. I love the idea of a boy in nothing but these(:
How do you keep your boys when there in your home?

Ooh… nice!! And titanium is beautiful. Fun *smile*.

If he’s mine, I like his collar on at all times. If he’s not mine, I like randomly putting ankle or wrist cuffs on him because I think they look amazing and it usually makes him get all squirmy which I also love.

I don’t have any standing rules about what he is to wear unless there’s something going on. I’m not a big fan of casual nudity. I don’t want to get desensitised to seeing him naked: for me his body loses some of it’s sexual power if it’s on show all the time because I’ll get too used to seeing it in a non-sexual context (odd perhaps, but true).

Ferns

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I am currently over the moon in love with a guy who is the perfect submissive, well almost perfect. He makes me feel like no one else ever has, and I know that he’s crazy about me as well. But the one issue that I have with him is that he really seems incapable of showing me affection (from touching to kissing to fucking) unless I take the lead or “make” him do it. So my question is have you ever met or had a relationship with a submissive who was so consumed by his submissiveness that he simply couldn’t be aroused without it? (I’m not even going to ask “What can be done about it?” Different strokes for different folks, I know. It’s just so…unexpected.)

Oh, so lovely that you are in love: congratulations to you both!

I have never struck this in terms of showing affection, but I suspect that’s because I couldn’t deal with it more than because it doesn’t exist. That is, I’d have weeded him out before going very far because I need to SEE and FEEL his love, affection, and desire: I react strongly and positively to it.

I *have* had a boy who had erectile problems with vanilla women that he never had with me because he DID need some form of D/s and preferably s/m for arousal (with vanilla women, he’d use his imagination, but sometimes that didn’t work for him). It was only a problem with me once when I went for PIV sex. I can’t remember the context, but I do remember he lost his erection, so we moved on. BUT on reflection, it might have been a manifestation of that.

I know you didn’t ask for ideas, but I do have a suggestion anyway if it bothers you (or if you think it might as time goes on which I imagine might be the case). Not about the arousal, that’s much more difficult because it’s out of his direct control, but about the touching, kissing, affection-showing because that IS his choice.

Firstly make sure he knows that you will welcome hugs, kisses, petting anytime (if you would, that is). Then make it a standing order that he shows you affection. Start by making it very specific (e.g. every time he greets you he is to cup your face and give you a long kiss on the lips) then as he gets used to it you can loosen the specificity (e.g. he has to initiate a long hug and a decent kiss at least 3 times a day). I know that sounds rote, but best case, he sees your positive reaction and knows it makes you happy, he might start to do it on his own.

I hope your happiness continues *smile*.

Ferns

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“2/10? I hope you didn’t hurt yourself too badly :P.” I am woman

*laugh* Well in that case, I hope you didn’t hurt HIM too badly!

(this was in reference to the first Q&A here which was a reference to ANOTHER Q&A… :P)

Ferns

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You might have written on this before, but– how do you recommend finding submissive partners?

You write 6 years worth of love letter to him in the form of a blog full of passion and love and heartache and random snippets of your life, add some nude pictures.

Then you wait.

And wait.

And wait…

Okay well, maybe you have to write 6.5 years worth… :P

Ferns

P.S. I met my last on Fetlife and the one before that on CollarSpace. Good luck!

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Hi, I’ve noticed that many pro-dommes do not offer straight sex.

Also that given the chance to rein free, a domme will rarely steer her male client towards straight sex.

So here’s my question.

Do most dommes actually not enjoy straight piv sex?

This is confusing.

Your first two statements were about pro-Dommes.

Then your actual question was about ‘most Dommes’.

I have no idea whether your question then is about pro-Dommes or non-pros. I mean, you know that ‘most Dommes’ are not pros, right?

Pro-Domme’s specialities and skills are BDSM play activities, not sex. Many pro-Dommes don’t have any direct sexual contact with their clients (i.e. no touching genitals) at all because that’s not a service they offer. Most don’t have PIV sex because that’s not a service they offer. Whether they enjoy PIV sex or not is none of their client’s business because that’s not a service that they offer.

In personal relationships, some Dommes enjoy PIV and some don’t, and some enjoy it with only a select few while still enjoying non-sexual BDSM activities with others. It all depends on the type of relationship and their personal preferences. I’d venture a guess that if a Domme is in a monogamous romantic relationship with her submissive, the chances of PIV sex happening is pretty high.

Ferns
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Oh and I just wanted to say, Ferns, I love your style and I bet it would be fun to have a coffee with you.

*smile* Thank you! I’ll take white with two fake sugars please!

Ferns

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Have you experimented with electric, remote controlled dog collars on subs?

If you have, what did you think of it?

If not, do you have any thoughts?

I haven’t, but I really like the idea.

I had to go look at Youtube of course. This cutie pie is fucking funny.

Do a lot of research about the risks, test it on yourself, have fun!

Ferns

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I’m just glad this website appeared to me through the magic of Google. I’m young female switch and I like the realistic and loving way F/m is displayed on your site.

Hello there, and welcome! Your Google-fu is strong!

Thank you for the lovely feedback. I’m glad you got something out of it and I really appreciate that you took the time to let me know *smile*.

Ferns

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Hi Ferns! I just found about this lifestyle but ever since I have fantasies of dominating men. So when I discovered this lifestyle a few weeks ago, I was ecstatic.I’m very very young and even more young-looking, like underage face and body (barely five feet). When I attended some kind of a play party, I feel so shy about saying I’m exploring as a Domme because they think I’m a kid and they we’re telling me they couldn’t imagine me topping someone. Now I feel so shy and insecure because when I first discovered this, that was also my doubt. I haven’t tried doing it to anyone and exploring as a bottom now, I like the physical sensations of being a bottom but I know that I will be satisfied if I embrace my dominance. Please tell me something that will boost my confidence.

Hi there,

Oh gosh, I feel for you. There is a huge assumption in the community that women are submissive by default, add young, small, and inexperienced and you are going to get it a lot. If you are seen to bottom, that’s going to be the cherry on top.

Having said all that, I know it doesn’t actually help you deal, but I’m going to say it anyway: people who try and put you in a box based on their own assumptions are arseholes. Especially once you’ve made your preferences clear. Fuck them!

A confidence booster: the only time I ever bottomed in public, it was to a tiny little woman who I’d seen play with others: I asked for a flogging from her after seeing her play. She was fabulously skilled and super bossy. I should write about that. Digression.

You are obviously already out and about in the scene: I suggest you make friends with some experienced dominant women who seem to be on the same page as you and ask them if you can learn some skills from them. Being around women who are where you want to be and who will support you will help you grow your confidence.

I’d also come up with a very simple explanatory phrase to say, “No, I’m dominant” that you can trot out every time someone assumes things about you. Something you are comfortable with that you can say when you are flustered and someone is trying to put you in ‘your place’. Don’t explain, don’t argue, just say it and if they don’t drop it, tell them that your orientation is not up for discussion. If they STILL don’t drop it, just walk away, even while they’re still explaining to you whatever garbage they are coming up with. No attitude, no tone, just matter-of-fact.

Good luck with your explorations. Don’t let anyone put you off!

Ferns

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it: even if I’m slow, I WILL get back to you! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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10 Comments

  1. For the last asker, I’ve found “My personal choices are not up for debate.” in a stern tone often works wonders. Make it as detached and businesslike as you can and anyone who felt the need to push you will (hopefully) realise that you’re not there to be toyed with.

      1. Definitely a bummer. I’ve used it on an older guy who kept trying to say that no, really, despite being over my age limit I should definitely meet him for a drink and he told me it sounded like I worked in HR, and vanished. Makes me wonder what on earth he’s been doing to his coworkers.

  2. Hi Ms Fern,
    I have always been interested in being more submissive, ever since I realized that its as natural as any other. Yet, I am older and in a vanilla relationship and have no wish to leave the ones I love nor jeopardize our relationships. I feel unfulfilled never the less. I would love to act out my subbie nature some how. Any sugeetions?
    Bruce

    1. Yes: Open up a conversation with your partner about it and see if she can fulfil some of your desires.

      Don’t start with ‘I want to be submissive’: that’s scary and won’t go well. Figure out exactly what you want to experience and identify things you think might be fun for her. Start there.

      Good luck.

      Ferns

  3. I am very disappointed you didn’t recommend a cattle prod to the last young lady, moo motherfucker! somebody with that and they’ll take you seriously, trust me
    Coug

  4. Ha, no, of course not! 100% male submissive here. And, if you had been in my high school English class, you would know that I suck at role playing…

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