Neediness

NaBloWriMo[SubmissiveGuyComics has also done a post for our NaBloWriMo project]

 

I’ve just started reading Ann St Vincent’s blog. It’s a very personal sex and relationship blog, not femdom, but one of those wonderful blogs where the author shares themselves in such a way that you become engaged in their story.

She has recently talked about Andrew, a new man in her life (part 1, part 2 of recent developments), and in all of the angsty reflection that she is going through, she described herself as ‘needy’.

I started thinking about the idea of neediness and how it works.

I like to think of myself as ‘not needy’, but that’s not true at all. I need a whole bunch of things, and I only become ‘needy’ when I don’t get them. And that only happens if what I need is not naturally what he offers.

Neediness is less about *me* (or you or you or YOU) and more about compatibility.

I have an advantage in dealing with my needs because ‘raaawwrrr female dominant!!’ If I want something from him, I just ask for it and he is delighted to give it to me. But people are complex and while that’s perfectly fine for ‘things I want’, it doesn’t work so well for ‘how I want to feel’. I’ve written before that I do suffer from some of that terrible ‘if I have to ask for it, it’s not worth as much’ level of passive aggressive thought about some things.

Say, for example, I want him to text me every morning if he is away from me. I’ll ask for it, and he’ll do it. That works a treat. But then, let’s say I want something *sweet* from him every morning and that’s not how he normally communicates. I can ask for it and he will figure out something sweet to say every day and he’ll send it.

But here’s the thing: While he’s totally being sweet to me with his obedience in doing what I ask, it’s unclear if he is *actually* communicating sweet feelings to me. He’s being obedient. And obedience is wonderful, I kink on obedience big time, but I CANNOT (CAN NOT) get love/affection/sweetness/lust/desire/any of those things by pulling the obedience card. His feelings are not something I can demand. At its best, this kind of requirement opens him up to express himself and we have a lovely new avenue of sincere communication. At its worst, he will trawl the internet for ‘sweet things people say to each’ and throw them into a text for me and be happy that he’s done as I asked.

In short: I can get him to behave in a way that *looks* like he has certain feelings by telling him to do it, but then the line between ‘doing it because I said so’ and ‘expressing actual real feelings’ becomes very blurry.

I want to see my submissive’s feelings. I want all of the affection and love and lust and desire and everything. All of it. And then I want to control it, play with it, revel in it, deny it. But if he doesn’t feel those things or he doesn’t express those feelings in the specific way that meets my needs, I will become ‘needy’ for it.

And if that’s the case, I’m not suddenly ‘too needy’ as a person in a relationship, we’re just incompatible.

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13 Comments

  1. Thank you so much for the shout-out!! I am so glad you are enjoying my blog.

    Although I’m not in D/s relationships, I sometimes feel like if I have to ask for something (like at least a text in the morning) then perhaps it isn’t sincere when my partner does what I ask. How crazy is that?

    1. My pleasure: I really appreciate how openly you share.

      It’s a trickier line than it seems and it kind of amazes me that we navigate these sorts of things *all the time* by instinct.

      There is the old ‘communicate communicate communicate’ mantra which is about expressing all your needs, and that’s all well and good, but when that tips over into attempting to extract affirmations from your partner that *they don’t feel*, you are in trouble.

      And I think that navigating all that is so much harder in a new relationship where you don’t know each other very well yet (cue second guessing and ‘what iffing’ and guilt and all the bad feels… ugh).

      I hope it works out for you and Andrew *smile*.

      Ferns

  2. I like your statement on incompatible, that’s big. I went through too much of my life trying to fit puzzle pieces that clearly didn’t go together because of lust, or love, or genuine positive relationship something.

    1. *nod* YES! I have found that also. It’s frustrating in cases where I really *like* him, but I don’t feel what I need to feel from him.

      I have had conversations with men of the “I *know* you feel it, but here’s what I need from you so that *I* can feel it” ilk, and it really never works because that’s simply not ‘how they relate’ or ‘who they are’ and it’s actually pretty fundamental stuff.

      I hate to go to popular psychobabble, but I can see the value in the idea of ‘love languages’ and if you have a mismatch, you will struggle to feel loved because the way they express it doesn’t *feel* like love to you.

      Ferns

  3. Your timing is impeccable. I am going through this BIG time with a newly collared boy…and my ‘neediness’ has grabbed me to the point where I don’t feel like ME anymore. I felt so incredibly empty as a Dominant this weekend because I realized a great deal of ‘affectations’ that were expressed to me, were out of his obedience and his desire to do what pleases me,but not necessarily what he feels naturally.

    Thank you for this.

    1. You’re so welcome.

      And wow, I know exactly what you mean about that ‘neediness’ making you not feel like YOU any more (“Who is this pain in the arse?! And what the fuck is wrong with them?!”).

      I hope you and your boy can sort it out.

      Ferns

  4. This makes so much sense! It’s such a relief to read. I always thought of myself as needy in previous dealings with men, but my current partner keeps saying I’m not, and reading this makes me think he’s right, in this current situation, because he either already meets most of my needs, or tries to meet them once I communicate them. I love it when I read something that helps me make sense of what I’m thinking and feeling.

    1. I’m glad it was a relief to read, and congratulations on finding a partner who matches you. I do hope it continues to go well for you both.

      Ferns

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