Thoughts on obedience

Content brought over from a discussion on Fetlife (login required).

Is it possible/likely that a sub becomes more obedient to his domme over time?

My experience is ‘yes’. And for me it’s a function of a deepening relationship.

What I mean by that is that as my submissive gets to know me, if everything is working well, his desire to submit gets stronger and so the D/s becomes ‘more’ (more meaningful, more heartfelt, more serious… more).

So while I can see obedience being binary (he either did it or didn’t do it), in the beginning, it might be a bit tentative, perhaps questioning, maybe doing what he’s told at a minimum because he’s not all in yet. So while he might still be obedient, he doesn’t quite ‘get it’ yet, so he hasn’t quite hit the ‘because I want you to be happy’ point from the ‘because you said so’ point.

Kind of like there is a big difference between someone handing in a 1 page report where they used double spacing and copied the content directly from Wikipedia vs someone who genuinely did some thorough research and was doing their best to give you what you asked for and more. Both are ‘being obedient’, but they aren’t the same thing.

Do dommes have techniques or systems that enhance the level of obedience of their sub over time? Can training of the sub be useful/effective in developing obedience?

I’m consistent and don’t let him get away with not delivering (“Where is it?” “Why didn’t you do it?” “Is there a problem?” “Do we need to talk about this?” etc): that gives him and our relationship a pretty solid framework of expectations. I don’t call that ‘training’, though I guess some might.

Ultimately it’s his choice to obey or not, and if the relationship is working right, his obedience is something that makes us BOTH happy, so there is no reason for him to disobey. If I have to do a bunch of stuff to ‘make’ him obey, I’m setting up a dynamic where I’m like a trick pony that performs based on whatever he decides to do, and in the end that pretty much makes me the submissive. Not happening.

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9 Comments

  1. I would definitely agree with that. Most things I’m told to do I do happily not just because of obedience but a genuine ‘want’, I want to please him.
    Obedience kicks in when it’s something I don’t ‘like’ be it posting pics or accepting something I don’t agree with.
    He knows there’s not much I wouldn’t do for him and he likes to test me at times.

    1. I think that combination of ‘I really WANT to’ and ‘I don’t like it but I’ll do it anyway’ is pretty much the norm.

      Not everything is fun and awesome and worth skipping about. NOBODY likes taking out the garbage (rule 34 notwithstanding…).

      Ferns

  2. I love this post. I do believe too that a submissive obeys more as the dynamic grows stronger. This is also in reverse I believe. I think the Dominant is going to become more confident, more demanding, and more expectant as the relationship grows too.

    “I’m consistent and don’t let him get away with not delivering (“Where is it?” “Why didn’t you do it?” “Is there a problem?” “Do we need to talk about this?” etc): that gives him and our relationship a pretty solid framework of expectations.”

    I’ve said it before and will say it again. Consistency is extremely important to me as a submissive. If a Dominant isn’t consistent it breaks down the dynamic, causes mistrust, and even confusion.

    Respectfully,
    Mysticlez

    1. I agree with the ‘in reverse’ thing. If I see that he wants to please me and is enjoying having opportunities to do so, I will ask for more from him. All going well, it works a treat.

      “If a Dominant isn’t consistent it breaks down the dynamic, causes mistrust, and even confusion.”

      Both sides here also. I have to trust that my submissive will respond consistently or I will have that same sense of the dynamic breaking, of not trusting him, of confusion.

      Ferns

  3. Totally agree with you Ferns (shock I know) it’s a matter of both levels adjusting and also as you say consistency
    Coug

  4. Totally agree. Especially about consistency and accountability. If ther is no follow up by the Domme, the sub may soon slip. If the Domme isn’t invested in the relationship or the outcome of tasks, the sub soon won’t be either.

    A mentor once told me (about managing people) to never ask for something you don’t really want, but whatever you do ask for, go “to the mat” to get it every time. People will soon get the message. This is where I have seen D/s situations fail – the top got complacent.

    1. “A mentor once told me (about managing people) to never ask for something you don’t really want, but whatever you do ask for, go “to the mat” to get it every time.”

      I agree.

      I think there is a tendency for some new dominants to look for ‘stuff’ to give their submissives to do. Tasks, assignments, whatever. It’s busywork. And they don’t care about it.

      They often think they ‘should’ give him ‘stuff to do’ because that’s what domination is: making him do stuff. Then they forget about it, maybe don’t even notice if it’s done or not, because really, they don’t care about it.

      Submissives aren’t stupid, they will see very quickly if you are just giving them busywork that you don’t care about. Of course if that’s your dynamic have at it, but if it’s not, it’s going to lead to problems.

      And for the record, if the reason for wanting it is ‘because I can’, that’s fine too :P.

      Ferns

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