Frustrated!

I am so fucking frustrated with the semi-anonymous nature of this blog and what it means for my writing.

Oh how easy it was to write when the boy I wrote about was mine: When I owned him and I owned our stories and they were mine to share as I wanted. The only rule I had for myself was to never write anything that would surprise or hurt him. And that was an easy guideline to follow because our communication was pretty damn good.

Now there are complications in writing about what is going on in my life because I don’t have that simplicity; those complexities stifle and paralyse me into silence.

Not least because there are thoughts that swim around in my head that I have no interest in discussing with those involved because we simply aren’t close enough, it’s irrelevant. They are personal puzzles and musings of the kind that I will probably never bring up with those involved, but that I would put out here as thought experiments if it wasn’t for the fact that those involved might read it, and I still have that rule about ‘no surprise or hurt’.

Couple that with a lack of zingish potential and the fact that most non-personal topics that I’m interested in talking about have been covered in the 5+ years I have been writing, and I find myself stymied here on the blog.

I’m trying to draw vague and non-specific stories out of things that are going on with me, out of thoughts that are floating around in my head, but it’s a lot of work and the watery-soft versions become sloppy and meaningless in the process.

I hate it.

Frustrated.

 

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23 Comments

  1. *hugs* I know what you mean about feeling stifled because blogging means people you know will read it and possibly misinterpret…or be hurt by what is really just a train of thought in your head and not something you’d actually say to them…blah.

    Short of starting an anon blog, I got nuttin’.

    1. Me either.

      And it’s interesting because blogging about things is very different from just writing stuff for myself.

      The first is about sharing experiences and sometimes hearing people’s thoughts, the second is just talking to myself. Which I do a lot :P. But it’s just not the same thing.

      Ferns

  2. I see your dilemma here. It’s a difficult thing to not be able to give free reign to your musings at the risk of causing hurt to someone. I am more restrained on both Facebook and twitter for that very reason. I have kept the fact that I even have a blog quiet from most, so I don’t really have to thing as much about that. The ones most likely to take umbrage with anything I say don’t know I have one.

  3. Sympathies. Although I cannot say I know how it feels, being so new to blogging myself and not having read through your archive at all.

    If you’re running out of topics, does that mean it’s not such an imposition to ask you questions that you maybe can answer? When I started my blog I desperately wanted advice on what a future dom might NOT want me to write about. God knows my past doms have been a lot more private than I am. (I think subs must have some kind of compulsion to confess.)

    I never asked you before now because it seems that every dom will be different, and I need to find one who accepts me for what I am. Also that he will probably be much more concerned with what I say about him than about myself, but I’ll undoubtedly ask him to vet any mention of him from the first, so it should be okay. But I could use the Ferns imprimatur of approval on this one.

    Maybe I only feel this way because of everything I was brought up believing about men wanting good girls to be modest. Sigh.

    1. “If you’re running out of topics, does that mean it’s not such an imposition to ask you questions that you maybe can answer? When I started my blog I desperately wanted advice on what a future dom might NOT want me to write about. God knows my past doms have been a lot more private than I am. (I think subs must have some kind of compulsion to confess.)”

      *smile* This is such a great question!! Thank you for it.

      I will write a post about it (obviously from my personal perspective only).

      “Maybe I only feel this way because of everything I was brought up believing about men wanting good girls to be modest. Sigh.”

      I think there are a lot of femsub bloggers in relationships and the question and this assumption would be a great question for them actually!

      Ferns

  4. Frustrating, indeed! My relevant people know that I write about sex on the Internet, but no details and not where. They aren’t always 100% okay with this, but I don’t necessarily need them seeing my pre-processed paranoia or overly detailed thought process, and certainly it would seem a breach of intimacy to let someone who could identify a partner read details of our sex lives.

    This is your space. It doesn’t seem right that you don’t feel able to express yourself freely in it. I’m sorry, i hope there’s a way you can balance it so it works better for you.

    1. “My relevant people know that I write about sex on the Internet, but no details and not where.”

      Smart.

      “… I don’t necessarily need them seeing my pre-processed paranoia or overly detailed thought process”

      Yes, that too.

      And a lot of it is fleeting, you know? I may think ‘what a fucking bastard faced dick!’ and then it’s gone a day later. But once it’s on a page somewhere it’s concrete and lives forever.

      “I’m sorry, i hope there’s a way you can balance it so it works better for you.”

      All I need is a stable relationship with a lovely submissive and I will be all over spilling all the gory details again… Must work on that…

      Ferns

  5. I was telling a friend today that there are some things in my life going on that I really want to write about. Some things I need to put out there but that I can’t because of the potential of it being read. Mine is that it would identify me as who I am in terms of causing my personal life to collide with my business and family life. Two worlds I work hard to keep separated. I told my friend it is because of this that not only are things going on in my head but I feel as though I can’t “talk” about them despite needing too.

    Your reasons are somewhat different but I do kind of understand..even though your blog is FAR more popular and out there than my little blog.

    Respectfully,
    Mysticlez

    P.S it’s not the same but you know my email for any kind of talk

    1. “Mine is that it would identify me as who I am in terms of causing my personal life to collide with my business and family life.”

      Ahh, right. Yes, that is a very different thing, but the conflict of ‘want to write/can’t write’ is similar.

      ” it’s not the same but you know my email for any kind of talk”

      *smile* Thank you.

      Ferns

  6. Just you know post umm “stuff” doesn’t always have to mean anything just “stuff”
    *waves hands vaguely*
    You know what I mean
    Coug

  7. Thanks for letting us know, I am sure it is not easy. But for avid readers of yours like me, it is worth knowing what is stymying you.

    Best

  8. Awww..yes. I can relate. And for the very few who are in my life that know about my blog that has at times held me back. For my current sub he’s been too busy to track my blog and I think shy about reading my accounts. Which I find endearing. :)

    I had to get selfish about my blog and writing and take the stand that damn it…this is mine! I’m careful not to violate or write something that would cause discomfort. I’m open and feel that is all I need to be with those who know about my writing.

    So write Fern! Let that voracious animal out of its cage!!!!

    Love you!

    ~ Vista

    1. Thank you for the encouragement *smile*.

      Ahh, but this:

      “I’m careful not to violate or write something that would cause discomfort.”

      And this:

      “So write Fern! Let that voracious animal out of its cage!!!!”

      Are in direct conflict!! Which is the frustrating bit.

      Your blog is full of teh hot-sexy, which is great, and EASY to write about (and I don’t mean ‘it’s easy to write that kind of content’ (because goodness knows it’s not!), I mean ‘no-one involved is going to ever get hurt by that’).

      But if, say, you were having doubts about your sub or your relationship, or the last play/sex you had was kind of boring, or he did something that made you angry or really hurt, or you aren’t sure how to deal with something complicated, or he told you something really intimate/difficult that has you reeling or or… Well, you know. THAT stuff…

      That’s the stuff.

      *sigh*

      And if I HAD some hot stories to tell, trust me, I’d be all over that page!! *laugh*

      Ferns

  9. Hi Ferns:

    I can certainly relate. I commend you on your highly ethical approach. Yes human relationships and bonds of trust come first. But it sure makes it more difficult to blog sometimes. I would imagine it becomes even harder when one is dating and not in a steady relationship where your partner knows about your blogging and supports it. I can also relate to the concerns about repetition. I have to be careful of the same thing after 5 + years of blogging. Nevertheless I hope you come up with a way of telling us what’s on your mind without betraying the trust of the folks you are playing with and/or dating. Perhaps cutting out the particulars and making the post entirely conceptual? I know it’s tough but I love your blog and support you as a blogger so I hope you keep blogging! :)

    1. “I would imagine it becomes even harder when one is dating and not in a steady relationship where your partner knows about your blogging and supports it.”

      YES! That stability of relationship makes all the difference.

      And if there are difficult things in your relationship, you can discuss it, sort it out, and THEN you can write about it after the fact and know that he’s not going to be surprised or hurt by it.

      “Perhaps cutting out the particulars and making the post entirely conceptual?”

      You know, I feel like I’m not clever enough to do that without it being a) boring as fuck and b) clear as day what it’s about…

      I know it’s tough but I love your blog and support you as a blogger so I hope you keep blogging! :)

      Thank you so much!

      Ferns

  10. Yep. When I had Deviantly Romantic still up and running, I had something to talk about. We had a dynamic. We had adventures. We had fun and we had hard times. But we what we had meant that I had content, and now that we aren’t practicing D/s in any serious manner (for now anyway), it’s very much “Well…. now what do I talk about?”

    I don’t want it to be a personal blog in that I don’t want to talk about what is happening in my personal life that is unrelated to kink (and getting outed now would be very, very, very bad), so that just leaves talking about kink in general terms. It’s not nearly as fun or interesting.

    1. Yes, for me that’s certainly part of it.

      And when anything DOES happen (e.g. I date someone *gasp*!), I can’t REALLY spill here because I’m not at the stage of the relationship where I would be spilling any of that to him directly, so then it’s a horrible passive aggressive communication tool. Ugh.

      I DO have some dating profiles where my blog isn’t linked, but honestly, it would be horrible to spill-all here without reservation and then have him find out about it after the fact. That doesn’t seem like it would go well (holy fuck beautiful eyes was one of those, but we hadn’t even met yet, so it was no big deal).

      Ferns

    1. You’re welcome.

      I’m more used to operating a certain way now, so I guess I’m less frustrated, but I still have no good answer.

      I think I feel it most when I’m talking to someone new who I’m excited about: I don’t write about it until it feels solid, and even then I only share the surface because I’m not yet sharing much more than that with HIM. Where in my own mind, I might want to shout about it from the rooftops and bounce around with giddy excitement at the possibilities and TELL EVERYONE BECAUSE OMGOMGOMG! And I have to just… not :(.

      Heh… and thinking about it again makes me frustrated all over again because that’s the kind of stuff that I like to share… :).

      Ferns

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