More randomness

I get oddly stressed when I lose the inspiration to write. Either I don’t have anything I want to say, or I have so many things that I can’t nail any of them down and make them come to life. Lately, it’s been the former. I know it’s no big deal, it will come back, but the feeling is disconcerting. Like there’s a void that I fear will just get bigger and bigger.

So here’s my go-to in times like this, just to get something on the page and break the impasse: Random thoughts.

___

I’m compiling a list of why I’m a bad Domme. It’s not like the lists that you always see where women very understandably rail against the stereotypes (e.g. “I don’t wear latex catsuits” etc), but really, one that flies in the face of what many people think you *should* do to be safe and skilled and reasonable and a good partner and a good dominant and all of that.

It makes me laugh, and I keep adding to it every time I see someone give some perfectly sensible advice about D/s, or gives hints on how to figure out if a dominant is good people, and I think “Yeah, I don’t do that *adds to the list*“.

In truth, the list makes me sound a bit like a psychopath.

Unsurprisingly, I haven’t shown anyone yet.

___

I’ve had TV series marathons lately. I don’t watch much TV, so it’s unlike me. I just wanted to turn my brain off with mindless entertainment. I watched all of Game of Thrones, and all of Breaking Bad, and have just started True Detective. I loved both GoT and BB, and now my dreams are filled with Walter White and the blood of dying people.

I love this trend where these shows no longer have heroes. Was Dexter the first of this kind? Perhaps, but he was clearly a ‘hero’ whereas these characters are not: they are self serving and selfish and mean and violent and unappealing. I love it, and I love the indiscriminate death of characters, that all of them are at risk, no-one will be saved.

The skill of writers in creating these ugly characters that you are still fascinated by in one way or another is wonderful.

___

Late at night before I go to bed my mind sometimes conjures up sadness and regrets. I am not sure why that is. Perhaps because I keep those sad things in locked drawers in my brain and when I am tired, they gleefully unlock themselves because I am not paying attention.

They are random and probably triggered by something that I am unaware of.

When my last submissive and I broke up, so long ago now it seems, he said to me “Can we still talk sometime? I like to hear your voice.”
I said, “Yes of course.”
We didn’t though.

Sometimes I puzzle at how someone who knew you inside and out, who was like a part of you, can become a stranger. As if they are someone you have never met, and never will meet. Sad.

___

I sent my vanilla ex in the UK a copy of my book. Less for him to read it and more for “Look look! I wrote a MOTHERFUCKING BOOK!!” He is the only vanilla person I will have told about it.

It’s strange that I still call him my ex because it was 20 years ago now, but that’s who he is to me: He was the first boy I ever fell in love with.

I was exploring BDSM when we tried to make it work again after breaking up. I took him to a club. He was curious and willing, but it was awkward, and not the experience I wanted to share with him.

I’m pretty sure I gave him the link to this blog at some stage, but I suspect he lost it along the way. As far as I know he doesn’t read it, and we never really talk about my relationships because when we have it hasn’t gone so well. Sending him the book was surprisingly nerve wracking, not least because it links to my blog and twitter, which, oddly, feel like *more* exposure than the actual book. I am a little terrified that he will go “LOL… weird!” which would be horrible.

___

I’ve booked a holiday in Fiji towards the end of June. It will be about 2 weeks. So far I have kayaking and snorkelling on the agenda. I tried to swing it to include swimming with manta rays, but there are only a few places from which you can do that, and I couldn’t make the logistics work.

I’m considering not taking my computer.

I’m considering not taking my computer.

I feel strangely isolated at the thought *laugh*. Less because “I must get on the computer every day” and more because taking away the *possibility* of it removes the option altogether. This probably means it would be good for me.

___

It’s getting cold here. I have to keep stifling myself from saying “Winter is coming” in a deathly serious voice because it’s so lame and everyone else was doing it some 6 months ago. Still, it makes me laugh, so I do it a bit in my own head and then snigger to myself.

___

I have removed my profiles from OKCupid and Collarme for the moment. I couldn’t bear to have another perfectly nice and ordinary conversation that I wasn’t interested in, and if I couldn’t engage with at least some level of enthusiasm, it seemed unfair to engage at all. I feared that I would become one of those jaded people who snaps back impatiently at random strangers because they aren’t what I want.

___

Re the above, I get a little frustrated when really fun and interesting and cute-as-fuck sweet boys land in my inbox with a *whump* and they aren’t potentials for one reason or another *shakes fist wildly*.

I mean, come on.

Don’t be all ‘unavailable awesome’! That’s just unfair!

___

Have you heard of the term ‘active bottoming’? If you have, how would you define it? I’m having a fascinating conversation with someone about it at the moment. I’m not familiar with the phrase, it’s new to me, but I REALLY like the concept of it.

We have lots of training and classes and workshops all aimed at topping skills. Much fewer aimed at bottoming skills, and I think that can lead to the very passive idea of “Well, all I have to do is show up and do what I’m told” thought process. Which is fine if that’s what the top wants, but it’s certainly not what *I* want, and describing what I DO want and having a term for it is a huge step forward.

___

*kicks brain* There. I wrote some stuff. Happy now?

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29 Comments

  1. I have not heard the term “active bottoming”. I would be interested in hearing more, and hope you will expand upon it at some point.

    I find your randomness engaging and interesting to read. Thanks for sharing your random thoughts, smile.

    1. Thank you for the kindness about my random thoughts, greg *smile*.

      And yes, if I can get a handle on ‘active bottoming’, I will definitely talk about it some more.

      Ferns

  2. Good evening Ma’am,

    Random thoughts are always good thoughts. I realize that there are those who will see fault in such a blatant generalization, but I find it a valid one to make.

    For me, there is a sense of freedom in the randomness, a permission to reject the rules. A thought is born, and it is spoken. There is no analysis, no study, no formality, no need for sequence or connection to the thought before it. It just is.

    Too much of my life is spent worrying about the analysis, the formality, the sequence of what came before. There is, rarely, any place for something to just “be”

    I love when randomness claws its way into my life, when it smashes aside the logic and order that often strangle it.

    More of your randomness, please. It is a joy to read.

    Respectfully,
    Stan

    1. Thanks Stan.

      You are so right: There is a lot of freedom in randomness!

      Mostly when I write, it requires some level of cohesion and when I’m not in the right mindset, that can be paralysing.

      Throwing out random thoughts though… It’s like shucking off my clothes and running around wildly!

      Ferns

  3. I’m not really sure what active bottoming is….. it sounds rather like a dog dragging it’s bum along the floor when it’s got worms, but I suspect that may not be the case…. If it means sharing ideas and thoughts with the top isn’t that what it’s all about? Or is pandering to the Top active bottom passive crowd ? I could look it up but meh.
    Coug
    P.S.
    I for want want to see the bad Domme list pretty sure mine will be identical to yours Fern in most respects perhaps it’s what comes of being a certain age we’ve lost the urge to sell it so much ;)

    1. “If it means sharing ideas and thoughts with the top isn’t that what it’s all about?”

      Yes, I think this is part of it, though perhaps wider because that’s is generally covered under the ‘communication’ umbrella.

      I’m not sure it’s a widely used term that you even could look up. I certainly haven’t heard of it before.

      “I for one want to see the bad Domme list pretty sure mine will be identical to yours Fern in most respects”

      I suspect you could be right about that :).

      Ferns

      1. Ferns

        Let’s say I make her coffee and serve it to her every morning, exactly the way she likes it.

        and yet…I take the chance to try a different blend that I think she may enjoy even more. If she does…great! If she doesn’t…then I try to understand why and after a few days, when my bottom stops throbbing, I may try again.

        TRW

        1. *smile* Ahh… okay. Thank you so much for coming back with more information.

          I’d call that proactive service because bottoming is more related to play, but I think the principle might apply to active bottoming also.

          “If she doesn’t…then I try to understand why and after a few days, when my bottom stops throbbing, I may try again.”

          *laugh* Brave! I like that.

          Ferns

  4. I love your brain. Truly.

    Even in its seeming randomness today it is always sharing some larger [endearing/engaging/insert additional adjectives here)] story.

    1. *smile* Thank you so much DC.

      I always feel like I’ve ‘cheated’ somehow when I don’t write a ‘proper’ post, so I appreciate the kind words.

      Ferns

  5. I’ve had many talks about being Dominant and submission with you and I can’t imagine you being a “bad” Dominant at all.

    “Unsurprisingly, I haven’t shown anyone yet.” I would love to see this list.

    “Late at night before I go to bed my mind sometimes conjures up sadness and regrets.”

    Perhaps this is more because you are not an open person about your feelings; therefore, except for your writing you have no outlet. Thus, it plagues your mind instead.

    “I’m considering not taking my computer.”

    Holy hell the world really is coming to an end!!! *runs* But, but I will miss you. :( I do understand though.

    I always find the thing of bottoming so confusing because I don’t think I could be very happy just bottoming. I don’t mean I am a top but I am definitely not a show up and lay there person. I want and need to get my hands on her. In fact that is the hardest thing for me is resisting when I am not allowed to touch her.

    Respectfully,
    Mysticlez

    1. “I can’t imagine you being a “bad” Dominant at all.”

      Bwuhahahaha!

      “Perhaps this is more because you are not an open person about your feelings; therefore, except for your writing you have no outlet. Thus, it plagues your mind instead.”

      Maybe. Though that that would make more sense if they were actually things of consequence (worries etc) that I might actually share with someone.

      “I want and need to get my hands on her.”

      Ha. I expect that forms part of the definition :P.

      Ferns

  6. “When my last submissive and I broke up, so long ago now it seems, he said to me “Can we still talk sometime? I like to hear your voice.”
    I said, “Yes of course.”
    We didn’t though.

    Sometimes I puzzle at how someone who knew you inside and out, who was like a part of you, can become a stranger. As if they are someone you have never met, and never will meet. Sad.”

    That IS sad. I think the one main thing that separates me from my many younger friends and lovers these days are those moments. The ones where I look back on things from my distant past with a certain amount of melancholy. That is something they have no frame of reference for and it’s not something I can show them or give to them. They will simply have to live their own moments and in 20 or 30 years, look back.

    Luckily, I have lived a life which is mostly free of regret. So I don’t have a whole lot of melancholy past moments to ponder. Though I do find myself looking backwards more these days. It’s usually not with a sense of regret. But I still keep reminding myself that if I look back all the time, I probably won’t be moving forward much.

    1. Young people may not have that same thing, but I do hear plenty in their early twenties talk about ‘when they were young’ *smile*.

      “Luckily, I have lived a life which is mostly free of regret. So I don’t have a whole lot of melancholy past moments to ponder.”

      That IS a good thing. Regrets are the worst.

      It’s not only regret that causes melancholy though? Some things are just sad.

      Ferns

      1. Regret is a terrible thing. I’m seriously OLD now and have discovered that a person continues to regret lost opportunities. One doesn’t stop feeling regret just because one is over 70. A recent sub moved on to a new DOM because I can’t be tough enough due to failing body strength. I work out, take suppliments, and try to stay in shape but a young man is stronger, just as nasty, and has considerably more stamina. I’ve discovered I regret losing this sub and it feeds feelings of inadequacy. I try to keep a few tricks up my sleve but there is no substitute for a firm hand. Thanks for the articles you write.

        1. I’m sorry that your submissive left you, and for such a reason: I can understand your feelings. I feel for you.

          But it’s not a failing on your part, and there is nothing to regret in it. You took the opportunity that was offered to have them in your life, you presumably enjoyed what the two of you did have: there are no regrets there surely? Sadness and disappointment, yes. Regrets, no.

          Best wishes for healing from it.

          Ferns

    2. … and as fate would have it, I just posted a wonderful poem by Warsan Shire earlier today, and was looking at her other works and found this:

      “two people who were once very close can
      without blame
      or grand betrayal
      become strangers.
      perhaps this is the saddest thing in the world.”
      ― Warsan Shire

      Ugh. Yes.

      Ferns

      1. I disagree there is always blame (whether deliberate or not) it is however sad indeed more so when the blame cannot be laid at one or the other. when it’s just blamedness ( Is so a word) in general or apathy, familiarity or just the passage of time.

        Coug

        Unless of course I’m a part of it then it’s ALWAYS their fault naturally

  7. I’ve only experienced Game of Thrones in book form, but yes, I love the moral ambiguity and the sense that anyone could kick the bucket at any moment. I also, being the straight male submissive I am, love the presence of female characters with a well-developed wicked streak.

    I don’t think I’ve ever come across the term “active bottoming”. The first time I submitted to a dominant woman in the flesh, though, I had the idea that I should remain stoic and only yell and writhe if I really couldn’t bear the pain. I held up fairly well under her flogger, but eventually she ordered me to stop trying to suppress my own responses. It wasn’t long before I was moving around much more and making much more noise.

    Now My Lady, who is not the same woman who told me to stop suppressing my responses, lives far away and gives me instructions online. Sometimes I send her photos and video clips that document my obedience, but for the most part I just write to her, and I try to make my e-mails engaging, vivid and erotic.

    I don’t know how much any of this counts as “active bottoming”, but I like to think I’m getting there.

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